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Old 28.10.2010, 13:29
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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But now something inside me has changed. The lack of control over basics - big things like do we stay or do we go, smaller things like can I get away for a few days' family visit - the inability to make plans until 'a, possibly b or maybe even c happens, all of which may change if d is implemented, which we will not know until e is discussed' is giving me ulcers....Glass of wine and a good book - that's my coping strategy. Wishing you all the best, Nic.
Wow, this sounds exactly like what we're living at the moment. I was exceedingly wound up the other day because its our 1st anniversary soon and I turn 30 in a couple of weeks and I am unable to even organise a night out for a few drinks because up until a couple of days ago I had no idea where we would be! I now know that we'll be in San Francisco... but not where in San Francisco and our plans have changed so many times in the last days and weeks that I'm hesitant to even attempt to organise something until a day or so beforehand. Also I've no idea if my husband will be in meetings or work dinners or .... well, you get the idea

I think I'm going to have to go to the store for some wine... I'm covered on the book front.

All the very best to you too.
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Old 28.10.2010, 13:38
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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if i didn't know better, i would have thought that suggestion was made by a girl
That's my feminine part talking......
Masculine part would have said something more ... masculine...
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Old 28.10.2010, 13:45
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Its so nice to know I'm not the only one feeling this way! Especially as most people in Aus only see the shiny side of our life and don't want to know that behind it is often an awful lot of stress and frustration. Thank you.

I'm working on giving my husband his sane wife back. I'm sure thats the best present I can give
If it helps, you arent the only one out there who is feeling this way. Reading your original post made me feel like I could have written that myself. I came from a fast paced, high stressed job with a reasonably sized team under me that I was used to managing daily - and suddenly, the only things I could control are the TV remote and bloody washing machine dials.

Like a dog with lots of energy to burn but no opportunity to, I took it out on my husband - who already has the burden of a longer commute than the average person, as well as a stressful job. Naturally, things didnt go too well and like an out of body experience, I saw myself slowly hitting the self destruct button. Upon reflection, one of my faults is that I tend to internalise alot of things. I dont do well sharing problems as I tend to try and solve them on my own whilst giving off really moody vibes, so its really good that you've recognised the problem and want to do something positive about it.

As for not being able to plan - just go ahead and plan anyway. Seriously. Cancel the drinks if you are really needed to move. People will understand that its not your fault. Rather than stressing yourself out, waiting for the other shoe to drop, just grab life by the balls and worry about the consequences later. Its just drinks, gatherings and trips. These can be worked around - refunded or rescheduled. Yes, its a hassle but I'll choose that hassle than sitting on your bum fretting, and letting the system win. An example: we bought tickets to the U2 concert way before our B permits were to be approved. There was always an uncertainty and possibility that we had to leave the country, but I rather get those tickets, sulk that I wont get to see them if we had to leave, rather than not buying them and banging my head against the wall if the B permit gets approved and we are still here but we didnt dare buy them. Well, a big finger up to the system - we are still here and saw U2!!

A coping mechanism I've adopted is to rely on your friends back home - or someone here if you are comfortable enough. Its hard not being able to receive a hug via skype or chat but just setting up regular chats helps. Even the most random of chats with a good friend really lifts your day.

Another is to turn the whole frustration on its head and pick up a hobby or a goal that you've given up / never had time for in your earlier days due to adult responsibilities like mortgages and work.

You will feel extremely blessed that you are given this opportunity to pursue your passion whilst others are slogging away trying to keep up with mortgages and bills. Sorry if it comes across as a little condescending and smug, but I felt so liberated and blessed to be given the luxury of time and space to pursue something that I always wanted to, that the thought of re- entering the corporate rat race, with all the backstabbing politics now, rather appalling. PM anytime you need a chat, or if you fancy a day trip to Zürich.
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Old 28.10.2010, 13:46
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Wow, this sounds exactly like what we're living at the moment. I was exceedingly wound up the other day because its our 1st anniversary soon and I turn 30 in a couple of weeks and I am unable to even organise a night out for a few drinks because up until a couple of days ago I had no idea where we would be!
Relax. This is an expat website: We are all having the same story:
- I did not buy pop concert tickets this year as the employer of my wife continuously said she would move "in two months or so". It took 1.5 years.
- I just found myself a new apartment and had an issue as I had to sign that you would keep it till 2012 (! Which local would ever have a problem with that?)...
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Old 28.10.2010, 13:55
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Men get women flowers when they want to apologize, what can I get my hubby?
While some of the guys have mentioned expensive things, I have a hard time with that for two reasons - if my hubby wants something like that, he simply buys it () and since he does that, I don't feel right spending that kind of money on anything, ever.

So... a solution I've come up with is this:
Massaging foot scrub. Since my sweetie works on his feet all day, this is something he really enjoys, or at least claims to.

There are a few recipes here.

I kinda like this one, but would pick up some nice smelling massage oil (instead of using baby oil), maybe one of those "warming" ones, and let things progress how they may.

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SEA SALT FOOT SCRUB
1 cup sea salt (you can use table salt if you'd like)
1/4 cup uncooked cornmeal
1/4 cup baby oil (or any other type of oil you'd like to use)

Combine all ingredients in a bowl. Wash feet and then rub sea salt foot scrub gently into feet and rinse.

This foot scrub recipe can also be used as an all over body scrub.


Meanwhile, regarding the topic... I've been doing this also, to some extent but it is a bit of both of us making each other miserable.

I get hung up on things I think he "should" do even though there ARE other solutions available. I get all stubborn and simply let it wait until he does it... and am still waiting on some things.

I'm a little afraid though that if I do start doing those things myself, and let myself figure out just how much I don't need him to do... will I still want to stick around?

On the other hand, I know that these thoughts have a lot to do with my emotional state which has nothing to do with him. There is a lot going on in my life right now that is pulling my emotions to focus on the US and my family there. Blaming him for things not being perfect here could easily simply be me looking for excuses to "run" to them.
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Old 28.10.2010, 13:58
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Could it be just the föhn ?
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Old 28.10.2010, 13:58
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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If it helps, you arent the only one out there who is feeling this way. Reading your original post made me feel like I could have written that myself. I came from a fast paced, high stressed job with a reasonably sized team under me that I was used to managing daily - and suddenly, the only things I could control are the TV remote and bloody washing machine dials.

Like a dog with lots of energy to burn but no opportunity to, I took it out on my husband - who already has the burden of a longer commute than the average person, as well as a stressful job. Naturally, things didnt go too well and like an out of body experience, I saw myself slowly hitting the self destruct button. Upon reflection, one of my faults is that I tend to internalise alot of things. I dont do well sharing problems as I tend to try and solve them on my own whilst giving off really moody vibes, so its really good that you've recognised the problem and want to do something positive about it.

As for not being able to plan - just go ahead and plan anyway. Seriously. Cancel the drinks if you are really needed to move. People will understand that its not your fault. Rather than stressing yourself out, waiting for the other shoe to drop, just grab life by the balls and worry about the consequences later. Its just drinks, gatherings and trips. These can be worked around.

A coping mechanism I've adopted is to rely on your friends back home - or someone here if you are comfortable enough. Its hard not being able to receive a hug via skype or chat but just setting up regular chats helps. Even the most random of chats with a good friend really lifts your day.

Another is to turn the whole frustration on its head and pick up a hobby or a goal that you've given up / never had time for in your earlier days due to adult responsibilities like mortgages and work.

You will feel extremely blessed that you are given this opportunity to pursue your passion whilst others are slogging away trying to keep up with mortgages and bills. Sorry if it comes across as a little condescending and smug, but I felt so liberated and blessed to be given the luxury of time and space to pursue something that I always wanted to, that the thought of re- entering the corporate rat race, with all the backstabbing politics now, rather appalling. PM anytime you need a chat.
You've just made me laugh and cry at the same time (in a good way )
I feel like I could have written your post. I can't wait until I feel as you do in your last paragraph.
Strangely enough I'd looked into study here but then wiped the idea due to having no idea if we'd be around long enough. I'd never even thought of doing online courses... *facepalm*
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Old 28.10.2010, 13:58
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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I get hung up on things I think he "should" do even though there ARE other solutions available. I get all stubborn and simply let it wait until he does it... and am still waiting on some things.
why be such a score-keeper? if you have time to help him out, then just do it!

some sage advice from julie london:

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Old 28.10.2010, 14:03
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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So... a solution I've come up with is this:
Massaging foot scrub. Since my sweetie works on his feet all day, this is something he really enjoys, or at least claims to.
I had to bully my husband into letting me give him a pedicure and foot massage as his feet started to look like they should belong to a hobbit .

Funny that after the first one he has no hesitation in accepting now
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:09
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

You are definitely not alone, even though I know it seems so at times. There are tons of women here in the same boat (i.e me), and some days are better than others. I noticed above you are thinking of finding a writing course online; I think that's a great idea! #1) I can tell you write well "our life plan has taken so many detours it's looking like an etch-a-sketch attacked by six toddlers," and with a tinge of humor!
Next month from Nov 1-30 is National Novel Writer's Month: http://www.nanowrimo.org/
You write a book in a month, kill your inner editor, and it's a goal worth accomplishing. I'm gonna do it! Why not with all this time?!
I hope you find solace soon; it's super hard sometimes, with the hubby and his sense of accomplishment from his career, and this built-in source of purpose, leaves you feeling rotten. Sucks! Dwell on it, write about it, and soon there will be a solution, and the sun will come out...
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:14
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Oh and PS If you do go to San Fran, PM me and I could 'show you around' because I am from there!
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:19
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

I'm sorry you are feeling so miserable. What works for me when I am feeling down or defeated or even kicked in the teeth by the sh*t life throws my way, is forcing myself to go out, to breathe some fresh air, to take a brisk walk and find beauty in nature or people or animals. Old ladies with cute dogs tend to be my target and they and their dogs loved to be fussed over!

I find this refreshes my mind, and puts me into a stronger and better mood. I rationalise my problems by thinking "at least I have the freedom to enjoy this beauty; freedom to walk down the streets safely, and unimpeded!"

Then I go back home and cook something delicious for my partner. He is, as most men are, highly-motivated and appeased by yummy food! To see him eating everything I have lovingly prepared puts a smile on my face too.

Sincerely hope you feel better soon - it's not easy living in a foreign country, but life is what you make it. The world will not change for you, you have to change for the world.
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:23
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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why be such a score-keeper? if you have time to help him out, then just do it!

Actually, it's not things he needs to do for himself that I get so hung up on like that to make (or want to make) him miserable BUT things that *I* need help with and he COULD help me with and I think he SHOULD help me with... put keeps delaying said help... rather than me having to rely on new, barely known "friends" for help.
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:34
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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You've just made me laugh and cry at the same time (in a good way )
I feel like I could have written your post. I can't wait until I feel as you do in your last paragraph.
Strangely enough I'd looked into study here but then wiped the idea due to having no idea if we'd be around long enough. I'd never even thought of doing online courses... *facepalm*
ah but you dont need a course to prove that you are worth your salt - least not in the creative field. I looked to enroll in doing another degree too - something I REALLY like this time, rather than parental pressure - Music - but I need to be extremely fluent in spoken and written German to keep up with the course work. I was irritated at YET another road block but I have to keep reminding myself that I am in a German speaking place so I need to accept those rules.

Doesnt stop me from getting frustrated for a while though. Baaaahhh, I learnt that I've got to be patient - a trait that requires a life time of cultivation for me. In the meantime, I still surround myself with music because I love it and came to the conclusion that the degree is nice to have but not absolutely necessary. I've also found alternative qualifications which I am working on but guess what!!!? No suitable teacher as yet because I am so fussy and there is a long waiting list for good teachers at the Zurich Conservatorium. Roadblock AGAIN. Life's a bitch, booohoohoo, moan moan moan, but I am happy (on most days) to plod along slowly and work things out on my own.

I wont lie to you that everyday is a zen one, where you'll see the big picture all the time. There are some days when frustration sets in but the key is to learn to be calm with yourself in the middle of all this chaos, and find a constructive way to release the pent up energy in order to minimise these episodes. Some cook, some write a blog, some play music, and some do photography. The list is endless....but how many people have the luxury to pursue this leisurely? *smug cow emerges again*
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:36
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Phil - you are so.....errr... basic Must admit tho, it did make me chuckle
He gets embarrassed when you laugh at it.
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:41
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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There are some days when frustration sets in but the key is to learn to be calm with yourself in the middle of all this chaos, and find a constructive way to release the pent up energy in order to minimise these episodes. Some cook, some write a blog, some play music, and some do photography. The list is endless....

I think I love you, will you have my babies (for me)?


I've been thinking about this, actually some of these. I used to be in band way back in high school and although I played flute for 7 years, I picked up saxophone for my last year so I could participate in "stage band" (playing rock / jazz / pop type music rather than classical / concert music) and did far better than I ever did playing flute.

Maybe I'll ask Santa for a sax for Christmas.

Also, as much as we swap recipes or talk about cooking and as many cooking blogs as I read or come across, I keep thinking to do that too... except that I really need people to help get rid of the end product. I don't want to regain ALL the weight I lost after arriving here.
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:57
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I think I love you, will you have my babies (for me)?


I've been thinking about this, actually some of these. I used to be in band way back in high school and although I played flute for 7 years, I picked up saxophone for my last year so I could participate in "stage band" (playing rock / jazz / pop type music rather than classical / concert music) and did far better than I ever did playing flute.

Maybe I'll ask Santa for a sax for Christmas.

Also, as much as we swap recipes or talk about cooking and as many cooking blogs as I read or come across, I keep thinking to do that too... except that I really need people to help get rid of the end product. I don't want to regain ALL the weight I lost after arriving here.
Why not start up a grub-club in Basel like a simple pot luck, once or twice a month? Host it at someone's house, and everyone (keep it to 5-6 pax max) brings a dish - you can be each others' guinea pigs, with constructive criticism about each others' dish and swap recipes!

PS: the sax is a great idea. If you really loved it before, I am sure it'll be great to pick it up again. I can say till I am blue in the face but music is really therapeutic. Be sure to butter up the neighbours way before hand though.
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Old 28.10.2010, 15:40
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Actually, it's not things he needs to do for himself that I get so hung up on like that to make (or want to make) him miserable BUT things that *I* need help with and he COULD help me with and I think he SHOULD help me with... put keeps delaying said help... rather than me having to rely on new, barely known "friends" for help.
careful you don't get into a tit for tat spiral whereby you make him miserable to 'punish' him for not helping you.

if minor things like housework/laundry, i'd get a cleaner/housemaid and be done with it. money well spent and better things to spend time and mental energy on.
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Old 28.10.2010, 16:13
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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if minor things like housework/laundry, i'd get a cleaner/housemaid and be done with it. money well spent and better things to spend time and mental energy on.
not all single income families have the luxury of paying 30CHF an hour, once a week to have a maid / cleaner come in.

Another aspect to it is the "guilt of not earning your keep". My other half suggested employing someone to help me cope with the ironing load before, but I felt super guilty and said no because I feel like I need to "earn my keep" - if that makes any sense.
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Old 28.10.2010, 16:16
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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not all single income families have the luxury of paying 30CHF an hour, once a week to have a maid / cleaner come in.

Another aspect to it is the "guilt of not earning your keep". My other half suggested employing someone to help me cope with the ironing load before, but I felt super guilty and said no because I feel like I need to "earn my keep" - if that makes any sense.
It makes perfect sense to me. Its why I clean the house (my mil says too much) even though I detest it (the cleaning not the house)
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