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Old 28.10.2010, 16:31
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Ladies, ladies, let me let you in on a secret. Guys don't care what the house looks like. Have you seen a bachelor pad? You don't earn your keep ironing the sheets, you earn it creasing them again.
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Old 28.10.2010, 17:09
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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not all single income families have the luxury of paying 30CHF an hour, once a week to have a maid / cleaner come in.

Another aspect to it is the "guilt of not earning your keep". My other half suggested employing someone to help me cope with the ironing load before, but I felt super guilty and said no because I feel like I need to "earn my keep" - if that makes any sense.
housemaids are cheaper than divorce lawyers.
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  #43  
Old 28.10.2010, 17:26
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

I so feel for you! I could write a whole poste about that myself.. We're here because of my husband's job but have to say we both wanted to go back to Europe. The thing is I thought it would be easier for me to get a proper job. However, I've tried hard and I am now happy with the balance I've found. The first time , I became a house wife, it was to follow him in Hamburg, 18months later we moved to Shanghai with me having found a full time teaching job and him working as well..a perfect situation!

Here, my kids are happy, I'm working a little , not up to my qualifications and experiences and I don't get much money but at least I'm doing something outside of the house, and I have made lots of efforts to integrate. I have also time for my older daughter to do quite a few extra curicular activities and I can work out at the gym 4 times a week.. I have also more time with my 2 year old as i would have anywhere else. This country does not allow you otherwise anyways.

But as I say , I've found a good balance and I manage to keep very very busy.. So busy, I don;t know where I could fit a full time job anymore! Have to say, I am a horrible housewife , my husband cooks!

And now, my husband tells me he's not happy in his job and is talking about moving somewhere else.. I think he is going through middle life crisis but I am now absolutely depressed and scared that I am going to have to start all over again somewhere again as the trailing spouse.. It's an ironic change of situation anyways.. I should be the one with the big job and we could stay here. I've made so much efforts here and my daughter as well, i feel it is all a waste. He wants to move to a place in the middle of nowhere..for a city girl like me, i think i'm going to be buried alive.. If I move from Swizterland, it has to be with a job in hand to move forward, not backwards! So we have to come to a compromise.... moving maybe but somewhere where there are also opportunities for me..
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Old 28.10.2010, 17:28
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Too much love and communal hugging on this thread. I might have to chip in with some soul searching warm fuzzy stuff too....

Seriously though. The advice on these pages is good and solid. Wish you all the best.
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  #45  
Old 28.10.2010, 17:30
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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a car
a ps3 ?
He doesn't drive and he already has one (I also got him a PSP)
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Old 28.10.2010, 18:14
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

My goodness... reading this thread is imho shocking... Here are a group of intelligent powerful women who, as soon as they no longer have a job to define them, seem to loose sense of who they are...

Why not flip the idea that you're here because of your other half and start being here for YOU?

Ok, so there are limits to say your social life when you first get here, language barriers and employment is not easy or in some cases possible. But you're intelligent resourceful women right?

As you did before in your high power jobs, you'll cope now. You had to be flexible to change and adapt to new deadlines and problems as they arose and the same you can do now.

And worrying about not needing your husbands?? You never did. You're blessed to have him in your life just as he is to have you but that doesn't mean you need him... makes it sound so.. mundane, business-like... Be grateful that you have a partnership and remember it is exactly that... not a dependancy. Granted, there are financial dependancies and you do have to take another person's needs and commitments into consideration, but you're equal...

Neither the universe nor anyone in it owes you a thing, only you owe anything to yourself. Give yourself and those around you a break. Things are the way they are... just view life exactly as it is with no value judgement attached and learn to accept it.

(and on the days were you feel like life keeps serving you nothing but S**T, accept it, and then go pummel the crap out of your cushion or punch bag)
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Old 28.10.2010, 18:18
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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why be such a score-keeper? if you have time to help him out, then just do it!

some sage advice from julie london:

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careful you don't get into a tit for tat spiral whereby you make him miserable to 'punish' him for not helping you.

if minor things like housework/laundry, i'd get a cleaner/housemaid and be done with it. money well spent and better things to spend time and mental energy on.
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housemaids are cheaper than divorce lawyers.

Well, hopefully this thread helped some feel better, it's actually made me feel worse.

Phil... my situation is so far from the suggestions being a possibility...

Well, except perhaps for the last one. But that, for now, and hopefully ever, is all I'll say about that, except to say it has been on my mind a lot lately.

(His mother gave me a Coop gift card for my birthday... which was spent on groceries. Just to give a taste of how far from possible hiring a maid to help with the ironing is.)

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not all single income families have the luxury of paying 30CHF an hour, once a week to have a maid / cleaner come in.
**kisses SR**
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  #48  
Old 28.10.2010, 18:54
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Took me right back to my early years in the UK- a husband who loved me very much but was working nights, week-ends, up to 140 hours a week sometimes (unbelievable now). One day I realised I just had to get on with MY life, instead of being miserable and making him feel guilty and miserable too. I did some adult classes and voluntary work - and then decided to go to UNI for full time study. I finally met some people I could really talk to and felt a real buzz. The beginning of an interesting career. My OH never felt threatened by my 'emancipation' and new life, and supported me all the way. We learnt to be supportive of each other, trust each other - and yet have our own lives too, our careers and even friends. I so feel for you as the uncertainty about his job and location means you can't really get stuck into anything. Sincerely hope you will know some time soon what is happening to his job, so you can try and find ways of finding a life of your own, rather than feel you are just 'attached' to his, as I felt in those days. xx
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Old 28.10.2010, 20:56
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Perhaps all those of us in Suisse Romande, who ever felt this way, could meet up for a good chinwag and cheer up session?
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Old 28.10.2010, 21:03
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Ladies, ladies, let me let you in on a secret. Guys don't care what the house looks like. Have you seen a bachelor pad? You don't earn your keep ironing the sheets, you earn it creasing them again.
So should I take back that French maids outfit with matching feather duster?
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Old 28.10.2010, 21:17
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Been there done all that. Don't take your eye off the ball.
Get busy , join in , do SOMETHING.
My former wife didn't. 3 years of purgatory. She left and returned to the UK , I stayed , result divorce. Don't let it get this far . I'm now broke!!
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Old 28.10.2010, 21:18
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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PS3 DONE
IPhone4 Doesn;t want it he hates apple
New Mountain Bike Nah
New Road Bike Done
New Car Hahaha
New Sports Car idem
New 4x4 Car Hates them
New Computer Done
New Computer Games There are no new ones he doesn't have
Wii Done
Trip to Czech Republic with his mates Yeah right
Trip to Amsterdam with his mates. He is Dutch
Trip anywhere with his mates.

I can carry on if you like.
....................
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  #53  
Old 28.10.2010, 22:26
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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French maids outfit with matching feather duster?
Now that's a possible gift for your husband Angela
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Old 28.10.2010, 22:56
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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My goodness... reading this thread is imho shocking... Here are a group of intelligent powerful women who, as soon as they no longer have a job to define them, seem to loose sense of who they are...

Why not flip the idea that you're here because of your other half and start being here for YOU?

Ok, so there are limits to say your social life when you first get here, language barriers and employment is not easy or in some cases possible. But you're intelligent resourceful women right?

As you did before in your high power jobs, you'll cope now. You had to be flexible to change and adapt to new deadlines and problems as they arose and the same you can do now.

And worrying about not needing your husbands?? You never did. You're blessed to have him in your life just as he is to have you but that doesn't mean you need him... makes it sound so.. mundane, business-like... Be grateful that you have a partnership and remember it is exactly that... not a dependancy. Granted, there are financial dependancies and you do have to take another person's needs and commitments into consideration, but you're equal...

Neither the universe nor anyone in it owes you a thing, only you owe anything to yourself. Give yourself and those around you a break. Things are the way they are... just view life exactly as it is with no value judgement attached and learn to accept it.

(and on the days were you feel like life keeps serving you nothing but S**T, accept it, and then go pummel the crap out of your cushion or punch bag)
haha where did all that come from? That was not the sense that I got from any of these posts at all but good perspective.
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Old 29.10.2010, 00:48
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Well, hopefully this thread helped some feel better, it's actually made me feel worse.

Phil... my situation is so far from the suggestions being a possibility...

Well, except perhaps for the last one. But that, for now, and hopefully ever, is all I'll say about that, except to say it has been on my mind a lot lately.

(His mother gave me a Coop gift card for my birthday... which was spent on groceries. Just to give a taste of how far from possible hiring a maid to help with the ironing is.)
Don't feel bad, Peg. I do think to get stuck between: a guilt of not being able to chip in, financially, earning our keeps by manic strategies on how to keep our costs to minimum, especially in situation when we had to change countries and continents, not knowing the lingo and having their career completely shut - and the guilt of not being able to run home to our families since they seem to voice their needs to us. The two scenarios are painful. Especially, if your other half might possibly spend and not think twice about it. To have a bit of a cleaning help so you can actually venture out and get life for yourself, learn language, get a job, make yourself at home, mark your territory here, be in control, have a support network. If your hubby doesn't chip with housecare at all, I'd ask him to get a helper. Your family will cope, too, they are grown ups. Do what you need to do. You did not move here to become someone's cleaner, personal assistant, a cook, a maid, unable to make decisions over your own life. You had life before (and quite juicy, it was fun to read the belly thread..). I learned in life, one has to be fully functioning, in order to help others. Sometimes, we like to help others to distract our attention from ourselves, because we fear that if we follow our dreams others won't cope. They will, though. Just like we do, when we had to move here...It's absolutely normal to feel anxiety about jumping straigt at it, into all the options that there are here. But, unless you do it, you don't do a favor to yourself, nor your relationship, nor peeps at home. And it is painful to tolerate, personally....I completely see the point of Lynn's post and agree with her. Sometimes we use our partner's life choices and situations as an excuse, so we don't have to make the necessary first steps here for ourselves, in an unknown territory, with things we are not familiar with and the handicap we feel, rather than realizing A) it will make us 100x stronger, B) handicaps are sometimes privileges that we do not see, an advantage C) our partner fell in love with an independent person. An anxiety to start doing your thing can be overwhelming, but you will get a lot of love and respect in return, even if it looks like you won't. And when your partner supports you in this, you will love him even more. It's not going to help anyone that your bday Coop card was spent on groceries while others spent on things unrelated to you. Because, you will look back one day, and get mad. I am sorry this is coming out so crass, I am not a very diplomatic person...You are a tough girl, and you have a lot to offer, don't forget that about yourself. Besides, music is a great way to start, it brings friends, connections, work...Hugs.
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  #56  
Old 29.10.2010, 00:53
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Yes, of course. Go to a spa, get your hair done, and go shop for some lingerie for yourself... for your husband.

Trust me on this.
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Old 29.10.2010, 02:14
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Don't feel bad, Peg. I do think to get stuck between: a guilt of not being able to chip in, financially, earning our keeps by manic strategies on how to keep our costs to minimum, especially in situation when we had to change countries and continents, not knowing the lingo and having their career completely shut - and the guilt of not being able to run home to our families since they seem to voice their needs to us. The two scenarios are painful. Especially, if your other half might possibly spend and not think twice about it. To have a bit of a cleaning help so you can actually venture out and get life for yourself, learn language, get a job, make yourself at home, mark your territory here, be in control, have a support network. If your hubby doesn't chip with housecare at all, I'd ask him to get a helper. Your family will cope, too, they are grown ups. Do what you need to do. You did not move here to become someone's cleaner, personal assistant, a cook, a maid, unable to make decisions over your own life. You had life before (and quite juicy, it was fun to read the belly thread..). I learned in life, one has to be fully functioning, in order to help others. Sometimes, we like to help others to distract our attention from ourselves, because we fear that if we follow our dreams others won't cope. They will, though. Just like we do, when we had to move here...It's absolutely normal to feel anxiety about jumping straigt at it, into all the options that there are here. But, unless you do it, you don't do a favor to yourself, nor your relationship, nor peeps at home. And it is painful to tolerate, personally....I completely see the point of Lynn's post and agree with her. Sometimes we use our partner's life choices and situations as an excuse, so we don't have to make the necessary first steps here for ourselves, in an unknown territory, with things we are not familiar with and the handicap we feel, rather than realizing A) it will make us 100x stronger, B) handicaps are sometimes privileges that we do not see, an advantage C) our partner fell in love with an independent person. An anxiety to start doing your thing can be overwhelming, but you will get a lot of love and respect in return, even if it looks like you won't. And when your partner supports you in this, you will love him even more. It's not going to help anyone that your bday Coop card was spent on groceries while others spent on things unrelated to you. Because, you will look back one day, and get mad. I am sorry this is coming out so crass, I am not a very diplomatic person...You are a tough girl, and you have a lot to offer, don't forget that about yourself. Besides, music is a great way to start, it brings friends, connections, work...Hugs.
very well said! it's so true. and to add, sometimes it seems like times are tight and the money isn't there for certain things, but you still really need to take a bit of that money and time and do something to make yourself feel (and get) better. a spa, lingerie, all that is good, but it is fleeting and the need to do more will still be there. a language course, a sport or activity, something that can get you out of the mundane and into a point where you can start to feel and see things moving and changing- that's very important! especially when you've (we've, i've, etc) left the activities and people who make you the you that you know and are. it's true, there's a definite feeling of depression and helplessness in being stuck, especially when money is tight and language is an issue, but it is only as much of an issue as you allow it to be. at some point there will either be resentment and more depression or some kind of a movement where you need to start redefining yourself in terms of where you are within the resources and things you can do. personally, it wasn't until i started to work a bit, learn some of the language and just get out and into my community that i felt my feet on solid ground.

and difficult, i could see, if you don't know where you'll be in a few. but it seems a gift so if you are worried about where you'll be in a few weeks time or can't make plans, then don't! a few months of unplanned activities is something many people would love to have, and something you may regret not taking advantage of once you are settled in your new home. enjoy the freedom it allows you to decide what to do that day- it's a precious thing, really, something that i cherish when i have these vacations (yay teachers schedule!).
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Old 29.10.2010, 09:35
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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MusicChick you are so very right and its one of the things that has had me feeling down. My husband married a successful, motivated, driven, happy and slightly overwound woman who held her s*** together. Somehow our move here had me feeling that that woman dissolved. I'm so used to thinking through things (both in study, work and home life) that having so much time on my hands has had me over-thinking and worrying about things I have absolutely no power over. I've forgotten how to roll with the punches.
You make some excellent points in your post. Sincere thanks!
You aren't the only one who have felt disolved...
But, honestly, no, you didn't forget to roll with the punches. One does not forget it. You still are a successful, motivated, driven and slightly overwound woman (besides that's a necessary quality, often, to make sure things get done...), that does not go away, either. It is absolutely ok to say to oneself, this move was not a very conducive one to my career and to how I am used to go about things. It's ok to say, I was stuck, didn't really know how to be a housewife all of a sudden, probably not my thing. It's ok to feel unstable decisions in terms of where the home will be are making your coping harder, it would be like that for most people I know. You plant yourself somewhere, then you have to pick up and go again.. If you don't really plant yourself, since you want to preserve energy, you are isolated and lonely. If you do plant yourself, you get stressed about having to leave people you invested in. It's ok to feel, without having any emotions about this and resentment to your hubby or guilt, ok, next time I will start making sure I have a life, career, independence, and then if the house is ok, hubby has a hot dinner, his feet are massaged and we can take a few days off together...Because all these things can be taken care of a few days after you make the steps that ensure you yourself can survive somewhere. I am sure he would gladly have his feet wait and have you satisfied, and on a mission again. To have your own life and then put that on hold, for whatever reason, takes its toll, and then we happen to have no energy for the simplests of things, don't feel appreciated nor are able to enjoy all the perks this place can offer (and it can offer so much if you are in the right mindset). It's also absolutely ok to not be completely thrilled with a place like this, if the circumstances aren't too favorable for your personal, professional and social life. You don't have to feel like an unappreciative wench, why would you...

Just kick back, plan your new start somewhere, check in with schools at your new place so when you get there something is going on already, sign into online stuff. Get moving on matters here as well, so you don't feel like you are wasting your precious time, eventhough you might feel like your time is not worth anything now since it does not immediately translate into cash or career. Having time on hand helps when you need to make peace with yourself, anyways, and define your expectations and needs. But, most of all, Cali will make things so much easier for you in some aspects, you will see...
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Old 29.10.2010, 09:50
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....................
the new call of duty for the ps3 comes out soon, if he likes shooters get it for him ?
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Old 29.10.2010, 09:51
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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So should I take back that French maids outfit with matching feather duster?
cool idea: get him a dirndl !


eh


maybe I should explain: get a dirndl for yourself and model it for him
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