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  #61  
Old 29.10.2010, 11:14
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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cool idea: get him a dirndl !


eh


maybe I should explain: get a dirndl for yourself and model it for him

Complete with litre Mass of beer...perfect.
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  #62  
Old 29.10.2010, 20:31
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

I am trying trying trying so hard not to make him miserable (but I fear I am just very trying).

I left my job in the UK to follow H here. I have constantly for the past 12 years compromised my career (s) for him. The first occasion I followed him from a big UK city to the sticks when I had just been offered promotion and was making $$$. I reasoned that as we were both young at the time I could start again in a different career. I also reasoned that as I was more confident than him it would be easier for me to fall into something else and do well. I then moved again (to the sticks again) and started another career (which wasnt really what I wanted to do but opportunities in the area were limited). I grafted in this job for 8 years and ended up in a senior position. H then decided that he wanted to move abroad. We moved here and I again gave up my career.

I agreed to the move and didn't whinge about it as I now had young children so it made sense in a way for me to take a break for a couple of years.

My job doesn't translate into switzerland. There is no equivalent here that I can enter into without excellent Swiss.

I am now a stay at home mother. My days revolve around the demands of toddlers and a baby. It was fine at first but now I am feeling pretty depressed.

Because of my broken career path I now have 2 degrees and a MSc in three random unrelated subjects, the sort of experience which would not swing in the private secor and thus not much hope of getting a job in 12 months time in anything more than as someones cleaner/secretary/childminder.

I have not talked about how unhappy I feel to H as I feel that it is unhelpful but inside I feel angry and depressed.

Now I face having to do another postgrad qualification in order to be able to get a job which will fit around him. I also have to learn German and then Swiss. All this with a gaggle of kids.

To say I was feeling demoralised would be an understatement.

I've gone from a confident optimistic girl to a dowdy, worn-out depressed bore.
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Old 29.10.2010, 20:46
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

I cannot imagine someone with 2 degrees and an Msc in totally unrelated subjects being a bore... you must be a fount of all sorts of information...

If you're having these feelings inside, I can only advise you find a way to get them out and sort through them... A bit like an attic full of stuff, you always know its up there and you don't really want to go because the mess will irritate and old memories may flood back, but at the same time you don't want to keep living with the mess.

Now, I'm not saying you need to see a therapist. Of course, if you feel that's an option than go for it. But there are a number of other ways... good friends and family are a start. Though I often feel a complete "outsider" is much easier to talk to. I have a friend who I never see or hear from unless she needs to unload and sort through her thoughts. It used to bug me but now I get it. I'm her "outsider". She doesn't ever have situations where her day to day world collides with me and so feels less inhibited, I guess.

Have faith in yourself... you're clearly a surviver, you are flexible and dynamic but perhaps you just need to remember who you are... again, anyone who can change and take on two degrees a Msc, work her way up two different career ladders AND cope with kids is quite amazing in my book...
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  #64  
Old 29.10.2010, 20:50
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Have you explored employment opportunities at any of the international firms in Zug? There are many of them whose language requirements are English rather than German.

BTW I totally agree with what Lynn said.

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I am trying trying trying so hard not to make him miserable (but I fear I am just very trying).

I left my job in the UK to follow H here. I have constantly for the past 12 years compromised my career (s) for him. The first occasion I followed him from a big UK city to the sticks when I had just been offered promotion and was making $$$. I reasoned that as we were both young at the time I could start again in a different career. I also reasoned that as I was more confident than him it would be easier for me to fall into something else and do well. I then moved again (to the sticks again) and started another career (which wasnt really what I wanted to do but opportunities in the area were limited). I grafted in this job for 8 years and ended up in a senior position. H then decided that he wanted to move abroad. We moved here and I again gave up my career.

I agreed to the move and didn't whinge about it as I now had young children so it made sense in a way for me to take a break for a couple of years.

My job doesn't translate into switzerland. There is no equivalent here that I can enter into without excellent Swiss.

I am now a stay at home mother. My days revolve around the demands of toddlers and a baby. It was fine at first but now I am feeling pretty depressed.

Because of my broken career path I now have 2 degrees and a MSc in three random unrelated subjects, the sort of experience which would not swing in the private secor and thus not much hope of getting a job in 12 months time in anything more than as someones cleaner/secretary/childminder.

I have not talked about how unhappy I feel to H as I feel that it is unhelpful but inside I feel angry and depressed.

Now I face having to do another postgrad qualification in order to be able to get a job which will fit around him. I also have to learn German and then Swiss. All this with a gaggle of kids.

To say I was feeling demoralised would be an understatement.

I've gone from a confident optimistic girl to a dowdy, worn-out depressed bore.
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  #65  
Old 29.10.2010, 22:11
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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I cannot imagine someone with 2 degrees and an Msc in totally unrelated subjects being a bore... you must be a fount of all sorts of information...
Lynn, I am a font of all sorts of shite
People used to listen to me when I talked. These days people just think 'awwww bless' .

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If you're having these feelings inside, I can only advise you find a way to get them out and sort through them... A bit like an attic full of stuff, you always know its up there and you don't really want to go because the mess will irritate and old memories may flood back, but at the same time you don't want to keep living with the mess.
I'm not adverse to therapy but I cant afford it. Sometimes I just think it is the curse of being a woman in this day and age. I grew up a femininist. I believed I could be the best and a was pretty awesome for a while ...but then I got married and had children....

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Now, I'm not saying you need to see a therapist. Of course, if you feel that's an option than go for it. But there are a number of other ways... good friends and family are a start.
My FIL was here last week. I didn't confide anything in him as he is a closet misogynist but he told me ' "you've got a charmed life staying at home with the children all day doing nothing while H works". Argh I nearly swung for him but I kept it back, i am good at that. I know that if it was H who had followed me around we'd be so much better off financially now.

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Have faith in yourself... you're clearly a surviver, you are flexible and dynamic but perhaps you just need to remember who you are... again, anyone who can change and take on two degrees a Msc, work her way up two different career ladders AND cope with kids is quite amazing in my book...
Thank you. I didn;t feel very amazing this morning waking up in a house which resembles a slum and smelling like baby sick all day because I dont have time for a shower. Thank you for replying Lynn, I appreciate it.x
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  #66  
Old 29.10.2010, 22:12
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

So sorry for the hijack OP. Bad form.
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Old 29.10.2010, 22:12
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

It is so hard to remain upbeat and not end up having resentment for living a life that you never ever thought you would. Often our men folk so not recognise the efforts we make to do our best in situations that are alien to us. That we can start to feel trapped, especially if its a way of life you have never experienced. And being made to feel as if you should be grateful for a life that you turned upside down for them. They feel they are giving you a wonderful opportunity, which of course it is. But its a different way of life that can take a long while to get used to. So hard as it is, do we wallow or pick ourselves up and try to find things to fill our day. Be happy and smiling when our guys come home from work, try not to transfer our depression to them. This does not always work, mind you. I myself am struggling with this at the moment myself. He is not used to having me around and I am not used to not getting up and contributing to the household income. But then hang on I am, feeding everyone, cleaning, making sure his favourite shirt is ready for when he goes to the wardrobe, trying to make sure his favourite snacks are hiding in the cupboard when he wants them and being 'hostes with the mostess' when his friends are visiting.

So for me, decisions need to be made. I need to get up off my backside and make my own life and world to fill the gaps. We made a success of our careers and lives before we came here and I for one intend to do all I can to be a success in my new role. A few burnt offerings but am amazed at what I can cook. Look at the Iceland adverts on Brit tv and cringe now

In the mean time, if anyone fancies meeting up for a coffee to chew over the fat and swap ideas, then feel free to pm me
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Old 29.10.2010, 23:20
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Give yourself a break! We women are part of a generation who feel we need to be everything. The brilliant career woman, the perfect mother, the beautiful wife and the slut in bed our OH want.

But you're you. You are just one person and you're exactly right the way you are. The baby vomit smelling flat is just a part or a phase in your life. Stop fighting with yourself, find faith in yourself. You've got o forum full of women who know what you're going through. A coffee and a bitch can really help vent some of the frustration!
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Old 29.10.2010, 23:33
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Give yourself a break! We women are part of a generation who feel we need to be everything.
Exactly. For many husbands, only a couple of these are really key.


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The brilliant career woman, the perfect mother, the beautiful wife and the slut in bed our OH want.
I hate it when my wife stresses out and gets into a funk. It depresses me. You really ought to just chill out and enjoy life. Wives are more enjoyable that way. Get a makeover or something.
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  #70  
Old 29.10.2010, 23:41
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Exactly. For many husbands, only a couple of these are really key.
Is this about bumsex? I don't do bumsex. Should I be worried?
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Old 29.10.2010, 23:50
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

HA! hahahahaha... well, you should check out on youtube what monique has to say about that on the queens of comedy- i'd post it but it's maybe too much for some
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Old 29.10.2010, 23:53
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Is this about bumsex? I don't do bumsex. Should I be worried?
I'm all full of a nasty bug, can barely breathe properly and then you wrote that!

Now having finally stopped wheezing and coughing, I just want to say thanks for that momentous laugh.(and for shifting all that horrid phlegm)
I actually do feel better for it, laughter being the best medicine and all that, cheers my dear.
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Old 30.10.2010, 00:02
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Is this about bumsex? I don't do bumsex. Should I be worried?
You've not lost your sense of humor I see... My prognoses: you'll survive and be just fine...

As for bum sex, honey, why should it be all about the mans pleasure?!? I suspect if you're getting yours he'll be more than happy!
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Old 30.10.2010, 00:04
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Thank you for introducing me to Monique, have just been watching her on youtube-and have learnt a new word "FIGGYPUDDING!" LOVEIT!!!
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Old 30.10.2010, 00:27
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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I have not talked about how unhappy I feel to H as I feel that it is unhelpful but inside I feel angry and depressed.

I've gone from a confident optimistic girl to a dowdy, worn-out depressed bore.
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Give yourself a break! We women are part of a generation who feel we need to be everything. The brilliant career woman, the perfect mother, the beautiful wife and the slut in bed our OH want.
wow. reading all this makes me feel more of a fool for allowing my ex to slip through my fingers. she has a great career but was more than happy to be a full time mum - in fact, we used to jokingly argue about who would be the lucky one to quit the job and look after the kids!

what is it that you miss about your job/careers? i'm really surprised, because if i could be financially OK without having to go to work, i would quit in an instant!

i can understand if the kids were giving you no free time, but i would imagine (and maybe i'm wrong here) that most high flying careers would have much longer hours than being a stay at home mum and i would love this extra free time to do my own stuff.

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Is this about bumsex? I don't do bumsex. Should I be worried?
let's not be vulgar, at least call it bumlove.
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  #76  
Old 30.10.2010, 00:28
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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i can understand if the kids were giving you no free time, but i would imagine (and maybe i'm wrong here) that most high flying careers would have much longer hours than being a stay at home mum and i would love this extra free time to do my own stuff.

hahahahahahahahahahah

That's all
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Old 30.10.2010, 00:54
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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what is it that you miss about your job/careers? i'm really surprised, because if i could be financially OK without having to go to work, i would quit in an instant!

Uhm, some like to have a purpose other than making sure the home station is functioning?

I am not sure if this makes me laugh or cringe..It's funny, though. OK - I'll try to elaborate on this. A stay at home parent's work hours never start and never end, pretty much. It's funny how people think it is a light load thing, this light hearted airheaded hopping around, making onself a tea or margarita, sitting on the porch and supervising home, while soaps are on all the time. Well, I have to break it to you, it's not like this. Just to be with a child/dren 24/7 or even half time, plan all the meals, work at a house, fun time and stimuli kids need, all the stuff the other partner needs and has no time for that, social life so family does not kill eachother in cabin fever, traditions so kids grow up into decent humans, health issues of everyone, appointments, family connections, bdays, anniversaries, clothes, snacks, repairs, services, urgent things that pile up, micromanaging everything...Of course, one prioritize and after a while says f* it I can only do so much, let the ironing piles grow, but since there is no boss, no real performance control, everyone with a decent sense of responsibility puts herself/himself into a suicidal overdrive. And then, you want to and need to take care of yourself, I think mainly to keep one's sanity and feel at least a bit attractive for yout other half who ventures out, has worklife, social network, etc if only to refuse it, but it is still there..If I haven't coslept, I think I wouldn't have had a single full night of sleep those 2-3 years, and there is only 1 child. So, no, honey, there is no extra free time for lenghty period of time. One does have to work on perfecting uber schedulling skills to make some time for other things so we don't go crazy. Work was a savior, since it actually gives you a break. Makes me think of my mom who took dermatology clinic night shifts just to get away from her 3 kids a bit to get a night of sleep when she was at home with us, hahaha... So, while being at home is honestly fantastic in many ways, being a master homemaker is important and can be fun,but being able to work is really an advantage at times, too.
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Old 30.10.2010, 01:19
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Uhm, some like to have a purpose other than making sure the home station is functioning?
i'd rather replace the purpose of work with the purpose of raising my kids.
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Old 30.10.2010, 01:29
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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i'd rather replace the purpose of work with the purpose of raising my kids.
Once the kids get a little more self sufficient they don't need you quite as much but you still have to be there. Does that make sense? There is also the loss of your own identity and financial independence. The guilt attached to having a girlie lunch because you know you've just spend half the weeks grocery money and the fact that you have to explain that to someone else. Having to ask for money when you have been used to supporting yourself is just the worst feeling and for one hate it. I wouldn't never be denied anything but its the fact I have to ask
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Old 30.10.2010, 01:45
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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what is it that you miss about your job/careers?

i can understand if the kids were giving you no free time, but i would imagine (and maybe i'm wrong here) that most high flying careers would have much longer hours than being a stay at home mum and i would love this extra free time to do my own stuff.
What do I miss?

The adrenaline, the appreciation from clients and bosses, the social interaction, banter in the office, just basically in the thick of things (I sometimes miss having my phone beeping every 5 minutes), and oh, the ability to buy an insanely expensive pair of shoes, and go on lovely holidays with my own hard earned cash without a tinge of guilt.

BTW, I am not a mum, but free time is not really something my friends with kids have. I think you've underestimated the enormity of motherhood and juggling it with running the household.
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