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  #81  
Old 30.10.2010, 01:09
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Once the kids get a little more self sufficient they don't need you quite as much but you still have to be there. Does that make sense? There is also the loss of your own identity and financial independence. The guilt attached to having a girlie lunch because you know you've just spend half the weeks grocery money and the fact that you have to explain that to someone else. Having to ask for money when you have been used to supporting yourself is just the worst feeling and for one hate it. I wouldn't never be denied anything but its the fact I have to ask
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What do I miss?

The adrenaline, the appreciation from clients and bosses, the social interaction, banter in the office, just basically in the thick of things (I sometimes miss having my phone beeping every 5 minutes), and oh, the ability to buy an insanely expensive pair of shoes, and go on lovely holidays with my own hard earned cash without a tinge of guilt.

BTW, I am not a mum, but free time is not really something my friends with kids have. I think you've underestimated the enormity of motherhood and juggling it with running the household.
wow. you must have really enjoyed your job!

i enjoy my job and like the company i work for, but i enjoy my free time much more!

i don't think there should be guilt re: spending money when you are a stay at home mum because your doing a 'job' as much as your husband is and so they money should be shared.

that said, with my ex, even when we were both working, we both consulted each other on major purchases even though we were spending our own money.
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  #82  
Old 30.10.2010, 01:31
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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wow. you must have really enjoyed your job!

i enjoy my job and like the company i work for, but i enjoy my free time much more!

i don't think there should be guilt re: spending money when you are a stay at home mum because your doing a 'job' as much as your husband is and so they money should be shared.

that said, with my ex, even when we were both working, we both consulted each other on major purchases even though we were spending our own money.
I did. I represented a major phone company to the media in Asia Pacific, and a perk of the job (besides the launches, fluffeh parties and stressful crisis management we get into) was that I got to play with new phones before they hit the market. It was great.

Cant say I miss it that as I did before. I still chat with ex colleagues and I cant help but feel a little smug (and incredibly blessed) when I hear them bitching online or whinging about their day on Facebook. I think that comes with time, acceptance, adapting to your surroundings and adopting the situation to fit you rather than fight against the tide. Attitude is the key. Once that switch in mindset happens, its incredible how different things can suddenly be.

As you can read from all the posts of the ladies on here, being a trailing spouse is seriously very hard. But with the right attitude, and (hopefully) a strong support network, a state of enlightenment can be attained.

OHHHMMMMMMMM....

As for money matters, me and the boyfriend, now hubby, never questioned each other about our big purchases as long as we contributed equally to the savings account each month - which paid for our mortage back home, trips and savings. Not being able to do that now, well, is not very good for my ego but I'll live.
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  #83  
Old 30.10.2010, 01:52
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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I did. I represented a major phone company to the media in Asia Pacific, and a perk of the job (besides the launches, fluffeh parties and stressful crisis management we get into) was that I got to play with new phones before they hit the market. It was great.

As for money matters, me and the boyfriend, now hubby, never questioned each other about our big purchases as long as we contributed equally to the savings account each month - which paid for our mortage back home, trips and savings. Not being able to do that now, well, is not very good for my ego but I'll live.
yeah. i had parties too. but no shiney gadgets though once i did get an all expenses paid jolly in NY with my gf. still, i would prefer not to work if given the choice - i have so many other things i want to do outside of work.

re: discussion on purchases they usually went along the lines of:

her: what do you think of this ballroom gown
me: do you really need another one?
her: yes, this one is blah blah blah
me: whatever makes you happy
her: tee hee
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  #84  
Old 30.10.2010, 01:59
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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As you can read from all the posts of the ladies on here, being a trailing spouse is seriously very hard. But with the right attitude, and (hopefully) a strong support network, a state of enlightenment can be attained.
it seems not so much being a trailing spouse as having your free time killed by kids. i really would love it if there was a salary coming in and i could spend my time however i wanted.
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Old 30.10.2010, 09:34
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

I agree, I miss having my own salary. now I'm not working, ( well I work but my income is too low to consider it as a work) , I'd rather cut myself an arm that spending my husband's money on stuff for myself. Which means that I don't go to hairdressers or don't go to salon for waxing. I do it at home. I hardly buy any clothes for me.

And the worst thing of all , is that I have to spend his money to buy him a birthday present.. this is the most humiliating and stupid thing! what is the point of that, really?
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Old 31.10.2010, 13:36
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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wow. you must have really enjoyed your job!

i enjoy my job and like the company i work for, but i enjoy my free time much more!
I think what is hard to convey here and understand unless you area FT stay at home parent is that there is no free time.

The assumption that a lot of people have is because you are at home then you are free to do as you wish. I have had a lot of comments over the years like this and I don't think it's meant maliciously at all but unless
you do it then you don't get it. My free time starts at 9pm and ends at 10pm.


I remember when I was pregnant with my first I believed that I could use my maternity to study/read/socialise etc. It just doesn't work like that. I was listening to another pregnant women telling me she was going to use her maternity 'wisely' and finish her thesis for a PHD and bake while the baby slept. I smiled-who the am I to burst her bubble?

With my first she would sleep for 2hrs in the middle of the day which was bliss and meant I had time for a cup of tea and to catch up on housework. When you have more than one child suddenly that goes out of the window as they never all sleep at the same time.

You can't read, you can't watch TV, you can't even listen to R4 to keep your brain tuned (as you'd never be able to hear it anyway.). BC I used to love having a cup of tea at my desk at 8am and reading the BBC news website. Then at 12-30-1pm i'd eat lunch at my desk and chat and read the paper. I can't remember the last time I was able to drink a cup of tea unimpeded from start to finish.

When I was pregnant with my second a friend gave me one of those thermos cups that truck drivers have. I didn't get it at the time-I do now and it was one of the most thoughtful and useful gifts anyone ever gave me.

Of course when women say things like the above it's usually countered with the assumption that you never actually did a real stressful paid job so you don't know what you are talking about.

Raising children is not stressful but it is relentless for the first few years, and monotonous and wearing and tiring

It's not 'freetime'
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Old 31.10.2010, 13:38
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

But today is Sunday!! Yey. Husband has taken the eldest down the park and I HAVE just drunk a cup of coffee from start to finish. Hurrah!

Happy sunday everyone!
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Old 31.10.2010, 13:43
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Nothing I like more than spending my hubbies money , and what could be better than buying him a birthday presant with his money that he doesnt like
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Old 31.10.2010, 21:44
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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i don't think there should be guilt re: spending money when you are a stay at home mum because your doing a 'job' as much as your husband is and so they money should be shared.
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Nothing I like more than spending my hubbies money , and what could be better than buying him a birthday presant with his money that he doesnt like

Buahaha. There is some twisted advise you get out here on this interwebs thingy. I hope none of you are really taking each other too seriously.

The number cause of divorce: Money!!!
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Old 31.10.2010, 22:10
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

I would suggest that:

1) You make it easier for your husband by not moaning at him as it is quite obvious he already has issues at work.

2) You appreciate what you have instead of moaning at what you haven't got.

3) Stop worrying what other people have and are doing with their lives.
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  #91  
Old 31.10.2010, 22:22
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Please re-read the original text, take a moment (longer would be better) to think about it, then write back again.

I'd be interested to see what you think second time around.
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I would suggest that:

1) You make it easier for your husband by not moaning at him as it is quite obvious he already has issues at work.

2) You appreciate what you have instead of moaning at what you haven't got.

3) Stop worrying what other people have and are doing with their lives.
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Old 31.10.2010, 22:33
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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I would suggest that:

1) You make it easier for your husband by not moaning at him as it is quite obvious he already has issues at work.

2) You appreciate what you have instead of moaning at what you haven't got.

3) Stop worrying what other people have and are doing with their lives.


Wonder why you are single? .....Ummmmmmmmm
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Old 31.10.2010, 22:37
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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So sorry for the hijack OP. Bad form.
You didn't hijack it. You contributed honestly; and helped me and others see that we're not the only ones struggling to deal with the issues that arise from giving up a career and following our other halves into another country. Thank you.

I hope that you find the solutions that you are searching for and that motherhood becomes a little easier for you. Don't beat yourself up. You seem a smart woman with a wonderful sense of humor and I'm sure that if it comes across on a forum it will be even more evident in person.

Maybe get yourself a babysitter just a couple of hours per week and to give yourself some 'you' time? Everyone needs some time to themselves occasionally
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Old 31.10.2010, 23:28
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Wonder why you are single? .....Ummmmmmmmm
I've never wondered but I have wandered.
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  #95  
Old 01.11.2010, 00:13
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Be proud of youself, you brave ladies! reading all these posts reminds how hard it would have been for my wife.

My wife went through similar situation. She used to work before we moved here 4 years ago. She spent initial few months enjoying alps but as time passed, she felt that she needs to earn or do something to keep her busy. She refrained from shopping and try to save as much as possible. Being a doctor, it was impossible for her to do anything without learning fluent german.

She researched few cost-effective german courses and did one. She made her own friends and her network grew. they had pot lunches. She also did an integration program. She then learnt about RAV and then somehow persuaded them to provide her an intensive B1 course. She also gave A2 exam and recently cleared the same with 94% marks. Know-how of german really helped her. She reads all newspapers and always behind offers. well, she is far from getting a job but I am sure she will clear advanced german exams (C1/C2) and I just hope that she gets a job she deserves.

She is now on vacation and reading these posts, I am missing her. I wish I had so much courage as you ladies have. Bravo!!
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  #96  
Old 01.11.2010, 09:53
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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I think what is hard to convey here and understand unless you area FT stay at home parent is that there is no free time.
i understand when you have children, but in the situation where you do not have children, i find it amazing that someone would prefer to have a job than enjoy their free time!
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Old 01.11.2010, 10:17
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

I think the main distinction comes when you think free time/work responsibilities. Since, when one is employed and her shift is over, free time starts. If you have a family, though, or kids, etc., and don't work or work less then full time, most people I know like that unfortunately treat themselves or get treated as they don't qualify for free time, even if they spend the 100% of their time making sure the family is functioning so the other can have a career and support the family.

I miss working a lot, then clocking out, the healthy balance of personal/professional life. When one goes overboard with professional life on account of personal life, that ain't healthy. However, when one goes over board with personal/family life on account of professional life, it maybe damaging to some people, too. All those 2nd, 3rd pilliers here have a purpose, and not just for the guys. The good old notion of every woman being happy to put her career/life on hold while nurturing her family and dealing with the whole stress in a grateful way since she is the one who "does not have to work" and gets to stay home....I actually do not know anyone who would be thrilled with this, didn't have to pop some pills to deal with this or didn't dream of future changing soon. To deal with this while relocating brings another bitch, stay at home people have a lot harder time to integrate, find a social circle that suits them, some can't learn the language well, etc..It can be socially disqualifying.

Depending on the topic, though, PhD can be done while working part time, managing home and having a small child, it's a major bitch and lot of sacrifice for all, one needs a lot of support and letting go off the idea of nights for sleep, etc. even the ironing seems like a nicely deserved break, hahah, cramming in old age sucks... I am grateful, though, somehow it's working, despite the whole program being 100% harder than one in here, and here one even gets paid for it, ugh. People fly from home with suitcases full candy and canned goodies, I travel with books, no fun.
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Last edited by MusicChick; 01.11.2010 at 11:25.
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Old 01.11.2010, 10:21
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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i understand when you have children, but in the situation where you do not have children, i find it amazing that someone would prefer to have a job than enjoy their free time!
At the end of the day, having kids does not change the mindset of a responsible partner that stays home..If you have a kid, you spend your time running around his/her needs and your partners needs, or your family needs in general, if you don't, it's the same. There are deadlines, as well, there are restrictions, just like any other job. The fact you don't get your butt reamed afterwards or a promotion by a boss nor a paycheck, well....some do.

I don't think the difference is job/no job. But how responsibly one applies oneself. There are people who have free time after they clock out, then there are people who share their time with partner/family, so the free time isn't really free, is it...yet they make a point of enjoying it.
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Old 01.11.2010, 10:36
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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The fact you don't get your butt reamed afterwards or a promotion by a boss nor a paycheck, well....some do.

Yeah. DilysDidoreth made it perfectly blunt and clear that this is optional.
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Old 01.11.2010, 14:02
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

I miss work

I miss my own hard earned disposable income

I miss the feeling that I've contributed or accomplished more than having the washing done and the house tidy.

Leaving a career in Australia where I was respected for what I could do and what I contributed to the company to come to a country where I don't understand the language and am back to reciting 1 = une 2 = deux 3 = trois is demoralising. Its easier if you're at work as you have wins every day and a sense of accomplishment that I just don't get doing housework. I also miss the company of others in the office and someone to chat to over the water cooler. Whilst I don't feel ready to have children yet I also envy women who have them as they have company and the home doesn't feel so empty whilst their husband is at work.

I've not sat on my arse at home alone; I've joined clubs, taken french classes and created a network of friends but this hasn't given me purpose and for someone who thrives on being driven; floating around without any real structure is a new form of torture.

Also as others have mentioned; spending my husbands money is hard. My pride took a beating for at least the first 6 months just using the money my husband earned on groceries. I'd supported myself from the age of 16 and undoing 14 years of being proudly self-sufficient to rely on another was hard. I still have trouble spending money on myself (one of the reasons my husbands wardrobe is currently much nicer than mine) and I feel a need to justify everything I spend. But at least I don't have to worry about my husband griping (like many other men I've heard) about how much I spend . My husband is awesome and doesn't begrudge me anything. He'd be happy for me to spend more of his hard earned money. But I still feel bad about it.

I've taken over running the household, paying the bills and anything that falls outside of my husbands work. But I still don't have the sense of accomplishment that I'd get every day at work or at school.

So I've decided to continue studying with the Open university in Australia. This way if we move I can continue my studies and I can also stay sane and focused on something other than cleaning the house (which seems designed to keep me insane).

I'm coming to the conclusion that trying to shoehorn myself into the mould of the 1950's housewife just isn't going to be a good fit for me long term. We'll deal with it and work around it. But I'm not going to be happy if my whole life is cleaning a house and running after kids. And thankfully my husband can see this. So I'm going about trying to create the life I want

It seems like quite a few of the women on this forum have and/or are creating the lives they want. Thanks for providing me with some inspiration
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