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Old 28.10.2010, 12:03
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Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

I had an epiphany this morning...
I have been making my husband unhappy.
The saying 'miserable wife, miserable life' most definitely has a ring of truth to it.
My husbands job is stressful (I forget sometimes as he copes with it so well) and he's given us amazing oportunities to see the world with his job. We've both had to make sacrifices; our life plan has taken so many detours it's looking like an etch-a-sketch attacked by six toddlers.

Our life is so uncertain at the moment that we can't commit to anything as we don't know where we'll be living or where we'll be next month let alone next year. We're facing enormous pressure from his job to move to the US. As I'm an anal retentive recovering perfectionist who feels comfortable when I'm either dealing with a crisis or working towards a goal, having the goal posts turn into 'the end of the rainbow' (you can never find it... it keeps shifting) and not being allowed to fix crises has been driving me insane.

Leaving the organization of our life in the hands of the inept monkeys that seem to be in charge of the HR department where my husband is employed. Being at home twiddling my fingers and itching to get my hands on the organization of our travel/ visas etc but not being allowed to touch. Organizing our side of the arrangements and then seeing the whole lot fall in a heap when someone 'forgets' to apply for visas makes my blood boil and I turn into an inwardly seething shrew. Externally I'm fine but dig a little below the surface (or see me for who I really am; my husband is scarily in tune with me) and the reality comes out.

I've been miserable.

I've felt as though I've had no purpose and a bit of self pity and dare I say depression had kicked in.
I've made life difficult for my husband by pushing for decisions to be made when he's not in a position to make them and by not being my usually motivated, happy and self sufficient self.
I've blamed my bad mood on my husbands work issues. But really, I'm pissed off with my lot in life and my stagnation whilst people at home and surrounding me have gone onto do amazing things. I'd not seen that I should be working around the issues we've been having instead of letting them stop me in my tracks.

Seeing me unhappy and struggling here has made my husband unhappy and I've made his life hard the last few months. For that I'm exceedingly sorry.*

So my derriere has some serious boot marks this morning (self inflicted).

Have you experienced this? How do you remind yourself to see the forrest instead of the trees?

* And I've told him
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Old 28.10.2010, 13:04
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Your post just took me back in time for a moment.

We went through the same thing as a couple. Me and my wife, moved here, her as a trailing spouse and for sometime, life was hard.

The same things were going on with us as are with you. And it was very very hard to get by each day.

Recently she found a job and now we are both happy and living like we are supposed to.

My advice to you : Find something to keep you occupied. Find something that takes your mind off everything else. There are some things which are beyond your or your husband's control to change, and when you have time to think about them and how you would really like to change them...thats when the proverbial sh*t hits the proverbial fan.

Take it easy. Do things that make you happy. And if you are happy within, everything will be fine. I am sure you will see the change in the environment of your household.

Relax, take it easy. Somethings are better left on fate. No point banging your head against them.

Best of luck, and hope to hear good things from you again soon.

Oh and PS : Get off that other sad thread.
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Old 28.10.2010, 13:14
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Babies?

CK
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Old 28.10.2010, 13:23
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Hey you are not responsible for all the misery
You also are not in an easy position (is hubby worrying about YOU??)
Take a step back, and let life take its course (no use worrying about what you cant change.
Take every hurdle as you get to it and you'll find they arnt so big
A few years ago everthing looked so black for my family and weve managed to pull through(which at the time didnt think we would) and life now is even better than before.
And on a last note sometimes its good to make men miserable
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Old 28.10.2010, 13:29
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

I feel for you (and husband) truly...as I was thinking the exact same thing about my life. I am such a control freak that due to circumstances in our lives where I can not take control of where it is going has just left me feeling so frustrated that giving up and going out running out the door until I am shot like a rabid dog seemed like a good idea.
Poor husband is left to pick upthe pieces, until I came to my senses last night...bi**h slapped myself and am trying to stay calm and just don;t sweat the small (or big) stuff...
Men get women flowers when they want to apologize, what can I get my hubby?
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Old 28.10.2010, 13:34
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

>what can I get my hubby?

Not get, give. Give him some more trust. Or, to put it another way, give some slack in the leash. You might be pleasantly surprised what comes of it.

CK
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Old 28.10.2010, 13:43
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

Thanks for posting this Nic.

I think many of us are in similar situations and it's nice to know we are not alone.

I think every marriage goes though the same and it's not always the husband on the receiving end so give yourself a break. Having said that I should follow your example and apologise and I should follow my advice and give myself a break

Enjoy the ride and good luck
Nats
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Old 28.10.2010, 13:46
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

I think, to start with, high career guys marry certain types of women. I might be completely off, but the way you want to have things functioning, logical and in order, must be appealing to your hubby. Now, it becomes a burden if you over do it, it is logical you did, considering your circumstances and how unstable your life probably is at the moment. But I'd start with being easy on yourself. So what, you are stuck here for a moment, things are out of your control, it happens sometimes in life...Try to see how you can cotrol other things, unrelated to your hubby's career or life. Even if you guys have to leave, sign up for something intense, get into a language course, every day, or some extreme gym program, generally, invest in yourself, so you see there is a program, deadline, goals to go for. Sign up in online learning, get a degree no matter where you are you can always pick up where you left off. If that helps you, who cares about the small things, you know? The housework, other little things...The worst is, or was for me, while tending a small child was somewhat taken for granted by both of us, not being able to create a social network was difficult, since we weren't sure if we were staying, I haven't properly moved here yet because was not sure we were going to pull it off, didn't have my own life/work/goals and I am extrememly goal orientated, so to create a support that gives you other perspective and kicks you in the butt when you overdo things, so you don't have to constantly kick yourself in your own ass was super important...it takes time, though Hang out with other people, their really tricky situations (financial, papers, political, etc.) they are in will make you realize, you are so much better off than they are, it's not their personality traits that complicate thier lives, but things they do not have control over. Your reaction to unstability and unpredictabilty of of high career, you do have control over. Baby steps. Show appreciation, for a little things, to your huby, and I would ask for appreciation, too, if you think you are not getting it. It will help you appreciate yourself.
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Old 28.10.2010, 13:47
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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what can I get my hubby?
a car
a ps3 ?
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:00
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

wow.. Needed to read a post like this today.. I can completely relate to you frustration.. In order to alleviate feeling bored I found a job doing something that is not necessarily my passion but will keep me busy here.. But 2 weeks im still feeling miserable and completely taking it out on my husband and expecting him to fix the problem...
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:03
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

I used to be able to blithely roll with the punches; I've organized international moves on a week's notice, re-invented myself as the situation required, saw the possibility of change as a thrill not a threat.

But now something inside me has changed. The lack of control over basics - big things like do we stay or do we go, smaller things like can I get away for a few days' family visit - the inability to make plans until 'a, possibly b or maybe even c happens, all of which may change if d is implemented, which we will not know until e is discussed' is giving me ulcers.

I blame Switzerland. Living in a land where one plans to the nth degree, where a simple coffee invite must be issued four weeks in advance, has had it's effect.

Or maybe I've just grown older.

Glass of wine and a good book - that's my coping strategy. Wishing you all the best, Nic.
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:04
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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My advice to you : Find something to keep you occupied. Find something that takes your mind off everything else. There are some things which are beyond your or your husband's control to change, and when you have time to think about them and how you would really like to change them...thats when the proverbial sh*t hits the proverbial fan.
Thank you for your sage words of wisdom. I'm currently clearing off the inch of dust in my studio (I'd let myself think that because I was not sure what I was doing next I shouldn't start a project I couldn't finish) and I'm researching writing and photography courses that can be taken online
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:08
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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I feel for you (and husband) truly...as I was thinking the exact same thing about my life. I am such a control freak that due to circumstances in our lives where I can not take control of where it is going has just left me feeling so frustrated that giving up and going out running out the door until I am shot like a rabid dog seemed like a good idea.
Poor husband is left to pick upthe pieces, until I came to my senses last night...bi**h slapped myself and am trying to stay calm and just don;t sweat the small (or big) stuff...
Men get women flowers when they want to apologize, what can I get my hubby?
Its so nice to know I'm not the only one feeling this way! Especially as most people in Aus only see the shiny side of our life and don't want to know that behind it is often an awful lot of stress and frustration. Thank you.

I'm working on giving my husband his sane wife back. I'm sure thats the best present I can give
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:14
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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...
I have been making my husband unhappy.
The saying 'miserable wife, miserable life' most definitely has a ring of truth to it............I've been miserable...........I've made life difficult for my husband
Don't worry about it, love. You sound very much like a normal, functioning wife to me.

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Men get women flowers when they want to apologize, what can I get my hubby?
PS3
IPhone4
New Mountain Bike
New Road Bike
New Car
New Sports Car
New 4x4 Car
New Computer
New Computer Games
Wii
Trip to Czech Republic with his mates
Trip to Amsterdam with his mates.
Trip anywhere with his mates.

I can carry on if you like.
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:17
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

MusicChick you are so very right and its one of the things that has had me feeling down. My husband married a successful, motivated, driven, happy and slightly overwound woman who held her s*** together. Somehow our move here had me feeling that that woman dissolved. I'm so used to thinking through things (both in study, work and home life) that having so much time on my hands has had me over-thinking and worrying about things I have absolutely no power over. I've forgotten how to roll with the punches.
You make some excellent points in your post. Sincere thanks!
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:17
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Thank you for your sage words of wisdom. I'm currently clearing off the inch of dust in my studio (I'd let myself think that because I was not sure what I was doing next I shouldn't start a project I couldn't finish) and I'm researching writing and photography courses that can be taken online
Thanks but these were far from sage words of wisdom. This is just things that life eventually teaches us.

And that's a good start. Try going out more often and meeting people. Spending time outside can brighten your day a lot.
Being inside all the time has a nack of pulling you down.

Take care.
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:19
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Don't worry about it, love. You sound very much like a normal, functioning wife to me.
Yous sound like a good drinking buddy to my other half...

But he is right. What you wrote sounds pretty much like 80% of the expat trailing spouses, unless you are so busy organizing wile parties or trips. When one learns the language, thinks are a lot easier, too.

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Trip to Czech Republic with his mates
I second the trip to Czech Rep, go, go, go, it can be so romantic there...But I think you should rather go with him.
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:22
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Men get women flowers when they want to apologize, what can I get my hubby?
Take him in you arms and tell him how much you love him.
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:22
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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Take him in you arms and tell him how much you love him.
if i didn't know better, i would have thought that suggestion was made by a girl.

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Men get women flowers when they want to apologize, what can I get my hubby?
i think a threesome would be well received

failing that, an early steak and blowjob day
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Old 28.10.2010, 14:28
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Re: Have you made yourself and your husband miserable?

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i think a threesome would be well received

failing that, an early steak and blowjob day
Phil - you are so.....errr... basic Must admit tho, it did make me chuckle
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