At a party with my youngest (3) introducing myself to one of the kids I've not met before:

Me: hello, nice to meet you, my name's Lisa and this is Andrew
My son: No it's not!
Me (ignoring him as no idea what he means): well, would you like to come and play - Andrew's got all the trains out.
Andrew: But it's not! It's not! It's not it's not it's no!
Me (confused): What's not?!
Andrew: your name - it's not that thing you said. Your name is M-U-M-M-Y. [said in the tone of "what are you a moron?"]

i had a student (she was just learning english and 5) say, when i was reading a book about an iguana- 'i know, i know that-' and very proud looked at the other students, saying, 'it's a marijuana!!!".

another student who spoke almost no english came in singing, 'i like big buts and i cannot lie, no other brotha can deny...' how he knew that song so well, i'll never know as it took him quite a while to say, 'i'm fine thank you'.

i turned the tables on my 3 year old grand niece and 6 year old grand nephew when they asked me why i was so fat.
i replied that was because i ate children!!!!
you should have seen the expessions on their faces!
i had to assure them that i was joking.

I think it was probably because it was in the movie "Shrek".

Yep, done that, if a sudden smell of drains insults my sinuses, I will ask my 2 yo, "Have you done a poo-poo, or made a brown biscuit (farted)?"
He knows what I'm asking, and will reply, "Made a brown biscuit Daddy."

I also had a rather horrified if amused wife on the phone, when he introduced her for the first time to Daddy's rude version of 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' by belting it out at full volume in front of the paediatrician (a charming elderly Swiss lady, who's English is perfect).
Little boys are born with balls way out of proportion to the rest of their bodies, and I would rock him to sleep singing:

Twinkle twinkle little Charles
Where d'you get those massive balls
They are big and they are round
They must weigh a couple 'a pound

I never really twigged that he would memorise it, and nowadays we have to listen carefully to work out whether he's going to sing the original classic, or the re-release, whereupon a rapid intervention is required.

Cheers

Jim

..and its a worry when your husband starts calling you this too...

I would have been laughing really hard if not for the fact that I learnt a hard lesson that kids absorb what you say like sponges.

I cussed under my breath once in front of my niece ("chee-bye" - which is the C word in a dialect) and she heard it. I back peddalled hastily and said that it means "bye". I didnt think she would remember. Needless to say, she repeated it when I was leaving and my MIL was NOT impressed. If looks could kill.......

I stayed away for about a month before I dared showed me face again.

__________________
Remember when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and b****-slap the mother-f***er upside the head.

Soooo Slammer had spent two hours sunday morning in the gym and decided to motorbike to Rohrschach and take a stroll along the promenade.
Quite pleased with myself for having lost 30kilos, gut sucked up far enough as not to pass out. Shoulders back chest out and with a John Wayne gait my reflection in shop windows was starting to look reeal good, especially with all the biker gear on.
Mummy, daddy one kid in the pram and another by the hand. Kid looks at me in wide eyed, jaw dropped amazement.
Slammer puffs hisself out another notch.
"Yeh kid" methinks "look at me, the badass biker"

"Mummy" the kid says in a open mouth gasp "isn't that man fat?"

Pfffffffffffft!

I have 100's of these (3 kids 5 and under), I try and remember a few.

One I remember is, we were on a flight from Zürich to City Airport in the summer when all of a sudden, my 3 year old, points to the clouds out the window and shouts at the top of his voice in a panic 'Oh no daddy, volcano ash'. Cue whole plane in laughter.

My 2 2/1 year old daughter is beginning to understand what the word "beautiful" means. We went for a walk yesterday late-afternoon and she pointed to the moon above (she is fascinated with the moon) and said "booteefool moon". She also pointed to a butterfly in one of her books and said "booteefool butterfower"

Last one I promise.
7-year old's been on bbc.co.uk checking for Football news:

"Hey Daddy, England's got lots of new players - and one of them's got girl's hair!"

Trying not to laugh:
"Yes, that's Andy Carroll - he plays for Newcastle"

"Newcastle. Newcastle. Do they speak English in Newcastle?"

Laughing:
"Yes, they try to"

"Oh good, they all speak English in Newcastle"

Apologies to Geordies, I love you all really

I haven't spawned anything yet, but here's one from when I was wee:

Apparently 5 year old me had discovered an ant hill in garden. I was crouching next to it squashing the ants as they came out. Next thing my dad appears behind me -

Dad: What are you doing?
Me: Squashing ants.
Dad: That's not very nice... you know, that ant has a mummy and daddy. They'll be waiting for it to come home, and you just squashed it. Now, that's a very nice thing to do is it?

*pause*
*contemplate*

Me: Dad?
Dad: Yes? (expecting regret, apologies)
Me: Does the ant's mummy and daddy know where I live?

Dad: You're not my daughter for nothing...

This happened about 30 mins ago i was having a little argument with my daughter (we was running late, and she was being a snail) anyway i asked her why she had to answer me back all the time (she always wants the last word), and she said "don`t ask me ask God he made me" i was speechless needless to say she got the last word that time because i was laughing my head off, and couldn`t think of a reply.

My ex gf brother in law came home from work.

Ex Gf niece: Daddy, Daddy I missed you, can I go ride a pony....blablabla (usual chidren's gibberish)
Ex Gf brother in law: sure..blablabla....where is mommy?
Ex Gf niece: Mommy is with uncle...
LIB: Oh $hit!!!!

Sitting at the traffic lights yesterday with my two daughters in the back of the car. All of us enjoying a rare moment of silence, I glanced back and saw both girls deep in thought. It's so interesting, I thought, they're hard at work processing and figuring out the world around them. Childhood is so amazing.

Suddenly, out of the silence, my just turned three year old pipes up "Mummy, when I grow up I want big boobs like you".

2 year-old, who's been learning what is appropriate table behaviour (and loves telling others off for such things as disturbing others at the table) and also when it's appropriate to sing (when cooking is good, when going for a walk is good, but not so much at the table), to her 6 month old sister who gets very excited about sitting at the table to eat her vegetable puree while we have lunch and starts babbling: don't sing at the table, [baby's name]

One day I will stop posting things here, but she just comes out with the cutest and funniest things!

I was reading a story to my friends 4 year old son who was sitting on my knee. He poked me in the boobs and asked if I was having a baby. "No", I replied. He says: "Well then you marry too much!"

I am always telling my kids to say please, and thankyou, if they don`t say please then they don`t get what they asked for, the other day i was in a stress helping both my kids with there homework, and i wanted to write something down on a piece of paper to show them how to do something. without thinking i said to them give me a pen, they turned round, and said NO YOU DIDN`T SAY PLEASE

Yeah... I wanted them too, but I guess it isn't genetic!

I can;t stand vegemite either. Marmite is much nicer.

Steak AND sausages?