During the long drive to my parents when my daughter had just turned three we got caught in a traffic jam in the outside lane of a dual carriage-way. As we slooowly approched the the end of the dual carriage-way we obviously had to merge back into the single lane but got stuck beside a huge lorry. Sitting stationary in the middle of the road, indicators on and with nowhere to go, the first car after the lorry (a silver merc estate, driven by an elderly gent) tightened right up so we couldn't get in. The second car (another silver estate...is this a common trait of silver estate drivers?) did exactly the same and just the driver drew up level with the back seat of our car, my daughter turned to the window and said "Ooh, you f**ker!".

She'd never said anything remotely like that before (and hasn't said anything like it since) so we thought it best not to draw attention to it and just let it pass with no comment but my wife and I spent the remainder of the journey desperately trying not to let on that we were nearly pissing ourselves laughing. Just a shame the windows weren't open! (Will hasten to add that it did make me much more aware of my vocabulary whilst driving)

I don't have any children of my own but I have a few fond memories from teaching...

We'd done a month's work of work on The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe (this was 5 & 6 year olds). At the same time we'd done an Religious Education unit on the life of Jesus. I had an observation due by the RE co-ordinator and the vicar. So I did this lesson comparing Aslan and Jesus. Went like a charm... Jesus was born at Christmas and Aslan came at Christmas... Jesus died and came back to life and so did Aslan... The two at the back were nodding, all looked good. Then I decided to test their understanding of the difference between fantasy and religion.

Me: So, we've found lots of similarities between Aslan and Jesus. But can anyone think of a big difference?
Pause. Thinking faces. Hands go up. I pick a middling child.
Me: Yes XXX?
Child: Aslan has four legs and Jesus has two!
My classroom assistant got the giggles at this point. I tried again.
Me: Yes, you're quite right, Aslan is a lion and Jesus was a man... but I was thinking of a more important difference.
Longer pause. More hands. I pick another child.
Me: What do you think?
Child: C.S. Lewis made Aslan up but no-one made Jesus up.

I got a very good report from my observers in the back row for that!

On a totally different spectrum...

I'd taken over a class (again 5 & 6 year olds) in January. My classroom was a demountable that was always freezing so I spent the first couple of months in warm jumpers. Then one day when the weather was warmer I came in wearing a blouse. During the course of the day a little girl, who was very affectionate, came over to give me a hug - I think I'd just told them we were going to have a treat. I was sitting down and as she hugged me she became aware of a part of my anatomy she'd never noticed under the jumpers. She let go and said (very loudly) "Goodness Miss Hill you've got really big boobs!"

I struggled not to laugh, as did my two assistants (both considerably better endowed than me). Finally I managed to control myself and I gently explained that perhaps next time she should refrain from commenting on ladies' assets, as some ladies didn't like it.

Of course, it being England, I had to go to the (male) headteacher at the end of the day and report the incident to protect myself in case it went home in mangled form... which was more embarrassing than the actual comment!

Over the weekend my 19 month old son made a interesting and funny assumption. My wife is 7+ months pregnant and he seems to understand that there is a baby in there an enjoys cuddling and kissing the belly.

Anyway on the weekend we were at my parents in law (Swiss) and his grandfather who is a fairly typical grandfather with a nice big beer/cheese/grappa belly so my son looks, points at his belly and says "baby".

Its confusing being young!

Just out of bed this morning, still bumbling around waiting for the first caffeine hit to properly take effect when the following exchange leaves me stumped...

Daughter: Daddy, why do boys have nipples?

(My wife's pregnant so boob, bump and baby related questions are all the rage)

Me: I don't know darling. (Please do say if anyone out there does actually know the answer to this!)
Daughter: Girls have them to feed babies but boys don't have babies. Boys are strange! I want to have a baby one day, maybe when I'm six.
Me: Maybe you could wait until you're a bit older? You know, get an education first.
Daughter: Why?
Me: So that you can do more interesting things.
Daughter: With my nipples?
Me:...............!?!?!?!

My daughter met one of her great aunts after a long period the other week.

As she knows we live in France, bordering on Switzerland and Germany, she asked my daughter the following

Aunt: "So, what language should I speak to you in?, English, German or French" (knowing that she is learning them at school)

Daughter: "English, but I do speak English with a French Accent"

Oh my, I didn't see that one coming!

Staying with friends this weekend, I heard the following gem from their three-and-a-half-year-old son, talking to his younger brother:

"Do you know why dinosaurs can't chase you? It's because their legs are extinct."

Lately my daughter has been coming out with some crackers, and this morning was no exception.

Her: Mummy, I look lovely all dressed in pink.
Me: Yes you do
Her: Oh, you're wearing black and white, you look like Alfie (our black and white dog), so that means you look like a dog........!




Anyone want to adopt a cute 4 year old?

You can keep her! Can i have Alfie?

No Thanks, she is too mean.....

This is many years ago...my son was 3. I was on a project and used to be away Monday to Friday. Son got in the habit of sleeping with me on Sunday nights, so he would know when I left early on Monday morning.

So this one Monday I get up at 5, and am ready to leave for the airport at 6am. Son woke up and my wife carried him out so he could wave goodbye to me. As my taxi arrives, he starts crying and tells me he doesn't want me to go. I asked the taxi to wait and talked to him for 2 minutes, explained that daddy needed to work hard so that we could live in a nice house and wear nice clothes, and get toys... he insisted he didn't want any of those, just wanted me to stay. I then tried... "and go to Disneyworld..." at which point he ran out of sacrifices and said "OK then, when will you be back?".

So it looks settled, and i get into the taxi... just as it starts to pull away, he jumped out of my wife's lap, ran down to the taxi, and howled... "OK OK I never want to go to Disneyworld again. I promise ... NOW can you stay?"

Needless to say I missed my flight. Still brings a tear to my eye every time I think about it...

That was a wake up call kid's version to let you know that all those things didn't matter in his world. His dad was more important...

My 4 year old this morning: "What's my full name?"

So I tell him his first, middle and last names.

Then: "What's my empty name?"

Very logical!

My two girls love dressing up. Last night, my 5 year old put on a traditional Omani dress we had bought for her on a trip to Muscat. She presented herself with a twirl and asked "How do I look?" . "You look beautiful", I said, "like the Queen of Sheba".

She thought about it for a minute and then said "How about you call me Your Majesty from now on?".

We'd just finished our breakfast cereal. I leaned over to my little 3-year-old cherub and whispered, "I have a secret to tell you..."

"What is it?", he replied, big blue eyes sparkling, wide with anticipation. (My secret is the same, every morning. I tell him I love him, then he gives me a kiss and off we go to kita. Boy, kids really do love repetition, don't they?)

Just as I started to tell him my secret, he stage-whispered in perfect synch with me, "I love you!"

"Snap!", I exclaimed.

"Crackle! Pop!", he replied.

What's that 0-3 advertising demographic called, again?

I got asked a few days ago why do people have little hairs on their butts...I didn't quite know what to say to a 4yr old nor didn't really want to ask how does she know...

So we went for a shopping trip the other day to Laufenburg, Germany. It's the town where half the city is in Germany, half is in Switzerland, divided by a river. My youngest kept asking me all the way there "when are we in Germany". I explained that we have to cross the bridge. So he kept his eye out until he saw the bridge! About halfway through the bridge he asked "are we there yet??" I said, yes, we are. He sits back and says " Ahhh, Germany. The land of fear and sausages."

My 5 year old got up from bed one morning with exaggerated slowness. I asked him what's up. He holds up one hand and says, "I am resuming Windows...."

4 year old on Osama Bin L's demise watching BBC News Channel

"That man with the beard's been shot dead"



I love him.

The other day I drove Mini MC to daycare, she watched the car window for a minute and said "the rain is tickling the window", made me smile. Yesterday, we drove for hours and she watched sun set over the lovely landscape between Dresden and Hof, "the sun has darkness as a comforter and a cloud as a pillow". Kids think in lovely concepts.