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Old 21.11.2010, 21:23
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

I think restrictive treatment will only backfire. Not that kids should be let do whatever and whenever, but by 16 I would expect our kiddo to have some kind of independence and reasonable amount of responsibility. I'd say 10pm if we know where she is, and if she needs an extra time she can always negotiate as long as we know (safety, will somebody walk her home, how many grown ups, and what reason she is out, who's there, how safe she feels, does she need to be picked up or have some friends stay over at ours). If you are restrictive, the grounding/confiscations etc. prevail, then you lose trust. What do you do then? It will start innocently with fibbing, then completely making stuff out, and I cannot imagine that kind of atmosphere..I was a handful, but always told my folks where and what we were up to, took mom to gigs and practices so they knew. I would told them, let them disagree, do my own thing. But didn't count on a support from them, then. If a kid wants to be supported (fed, clad, pocket cash), then the kid needs to let the parents decide what the appropriate time back home and safety measures should be. If a kid wants to rebel and not respect the rules, let her live on her own terms, but support herself. I know it is hardcore, does not have to go that far at all, but having a frank discussion about it probably makes some things open. Takes away the whole rebellion charm.
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  #22  
Old 21.11.2010, 21:25
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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The success of grounding depends on a) whether said child knows they were wrong and b) whether they respect their parents or not. In this case, it doesn't sound like that's true (I may be wrong).
No you are right, I believe that respect isn't there. Because if mom says something to her, dad comes behind and screw up everything!

For my case, discipline worked wonder, I was scared like hell of my mother.
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Old 21.11.2010, 21:28
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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I believe that you were pretty independant and responsable at this age. Sadly, this teenager in my exemple is a lazy, spoiled teenager who doesn't bring good results from school, spend all of her time on internet and her phone. She doesn't work and have no responsabilities what so ever beside helping in the house.
That's her parent's failure. She just does what she is allowed. They need to straighten their own act first, then be on her back. Does not sound like an example of responsible parenting.

Give her responsibility, but be consistent. It is very easy to be inconsistent and spoil your kid, no work, actually. If one just gives and tries to buy a kiddo out, it will most probably result in a quiet home for a few hours, you buy yourself love, affection and peace fora few mins, then she asks for more, or she will go somewhere else where she expects things for free without any work/responsibility..It's dangerous to spoil your child. I feel bad for a spoiled child, not much of survival skills.
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Old 21.11.2010, 21:37
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

I think the booze obsession of teens happens when a) it's forbidden fruit b) it's too expensive. Booze was cheap at home, the age of consent 15 and drinking age as well, and people behaved relatively sensibly. No big deal, my buddies went through the usual couple of big parties, then you get tired of it, no extremes, though. I think in cultures where it is so demonized, not only you get drunk anytime you can but also on anything you get your hands on, just high on the opportunity. I think responsibility for people's own life makes them grown up fast. Shielding them and banning stuff just creates counter reaction that could end up more dangerous than if you just let them live a bit (and secretly supervise, at least a tad).
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Old 21.11.2010, 21:40
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

With today's teenagers, I would go for something about money. The parents don't buy her anything for a given time, or a deal a colleague of mine made with a 16 y.o.:
- back before 10 pm, it's all good
- back 10 to 11, 100 francs refusal credit
- back 11 to 12, 200 francs refusal credit... and so on...
Refusal credit is money that the parents do NOT give the teeny. In any form and at anytime they want. In his case, it involved once three days skiing holliday booked instead of four days. Another time, I think it was a cell-phone or something electronic that was refused on this ground. I must say she is a strict colleague that stand strong when saying no since the kiddo is born, so it works for them.

If you have a real rebelious teeny, I doubt that anything works. They do what ever they want, the parents are legally obliged to care for the teeny anyway. And they know that. They love you, but they are ruthless.
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Old 21.11.2010, 21:42
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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I guess I have a lot to learn about what is it to be a teenager... My years weren't nice and I certainly didn't keep a nice memory. I was in an army discipline kind and I won't tell you what time I had to be home, that would give you a heart attack.
The thing about maturity is that it doesn't come with age. As an example I was with my family recently - three cousins, one 38, one 9 and one 2. The 38 year old goes to give the 2 year old a permanent marker to play with and the 9 year old steps in because (she says) "what if she writes on the walls?". I promise you, the 9 year old is more mature than the 38 year old. He has a job, drives a nice car but in all the ways that count, he's a child. The trick is, to give slightly more responsibility to the child than they're actually comfortable with. If everyone has to be home by 9, make it midnight for your kid. They'll end up home watching TV by 8pm. There won't be any boundaries to test, staying up late will seem boring. Give them aspirations, targets to aim for, paint them a picture of how life can be.
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Old 21.11.2010, 21:44
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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I think the booze obsession of teens happens when a) it's forbidden fruit b) it's too expensive. Booze was cheap at home, the age of consent 15 and drinking age as well, and people behaved relatively sensibly. No big deal, my buddies went through the usual couple of big parties, then you get tired of it, no extremes, though. I think in cultures where it is so demonized, not only you get drunk anytime you can but also on anything you get your hands on, just high on the opportunity. I think responsibility for people's own life makes them grown up fast. Shielding them and banning stuff just creates counter reaction that could end up more dangerous than if you just let them live a bit (and secretly supervise, at least a tad).
I always laugh when I see 17 year old kids in the States on TV sneaking alcohol and doing beer bongs etc. 17 was when I stopped drinking (or at least getting drunk). I experimented with it briefly at 14, didn't like it, and that was it.
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Old 21.11.2010, 21:49
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

I feel old!
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Old 21.11.2010, 21:49
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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I think the booze obsession of teens happens when a) it's forbidden fruit b) it's too expensive. Booze was cheap at home, the age of consent 15 and drinking age as well, and people behaved relatively sensibly. No big deal, my buddies went through the usual couple of big parties, then you get tired of it, no extremes, though. I think in cultures where it is so demonized, not only you get drunk anytime you can but also on anything you get your hands on, just high on the opportunity. I think responsibility for people's own life makes them grown up fast. Shielding them and banning stuff just creates counter reaction that could end up more dangerous than if you just let them live a bit (and secretly supervise, at least a tad).
I think so too.

I grew up with practically no house rules. Really. Yet my siblings and I never tried rebelling because there was no one to rebel against. You want to go out for the night? Fine, just be available and specify when you should be expected home. Of course that is extreme and I cannot imagine doing the same with my own kids, but there should be a happy medium somewhere.
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Old 21.11.2010, 21:49
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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With today's teenagers, I would go for something about money. The parents don't buy her anything for a given time, or a deal a colleague of mine made with a 16 y.o.:
- back before 10 pm, it's all good
- back 10 to 11, 100 francs refusal credit
- back 11 to 12, 200 francs refusal credit... and so on...
Refusal credit is money that the parents do NOT give the teeny. In any form and at anytime they want. In his case, it involved once three days skiing holliday booked instead of four days. Another time, I think it was a cell-phone or something electronic that was refused on this ground. I must say she is a strict colleague that stand strong when saying no since the kiddo is born, so it works for them.

If you have a real rebelious teeny, I doubt that anything works. They do what ever they want, the parents are legally obliged to care for the teeny anyway. And they know that. They love you, but they are ruthless.
Parents are not obliged to provide the latest fashion, electronics or anything fancy. But I would hate to push things into the "I won't buy your your 500fr handbag if you don't empty the dishwasher tonight" scenario. If a kid is ruthless, it is because somebody, at some specific occasion, let them feel they can be. I know they are supposed to care more for peers than us by that time, I do wonder, sometimes, how much we are actually helping them feel alienated by how we deal with things...

I just saw recently the biggest rebel of my last year, all transformed in a wonderfully responsible grown up human being, since he entered the world of work a few months ago. I was very proud of him. He grew like nobody else.
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  #31  
Old 21.11.2010, 21:53
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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I think so too.

I grew up with practically no house rules. Really. Yet my siblings and I never tried rebelling because there was no one to rebel against. You want to go out for the night? Fine, just be available and specify when you should be expected home. Of course that is extreme and I cannot imagine doing the same with my own kids, but there should be a happy medium somewhere.
Why would you do something different if it was working well for you? Why the need to change the formula?
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Old 21.11.2010, 21:54
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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The thing about maturity is that it doesn't come with age. As an example I was with my family recently - three cousins, one 38, one 9 and one 2. The 38 year old goes to give the 2 year old a permanent marker to play with and the 9 year old steps in because (she says) "what if she writes on the walls?". I promise you, the 9 year old is more mature than the 38 year old. He has a job, drives a nice car but in all the ways that count, he's a child. The trick is, to give slightly more responsibility to the child than they're actually comfortable with. If everyone has to be home by 9, make it midnight for your kid. They'll end up home watching TV by 8pm. There won't be any boundaries to test, staying up late will seem boring. Give them aspirations, targets to aim for, paint them a picture of how life can be.
Very true. We tried the over-saturation thing early, it works. Our little one can't be asked to eat chocolate, she still goes for ice-cream despite our reversed order of food (desert first, etc..), but freedom is a good thing, even with tots. Too much of it, though, or big amount without any commentary, is destabilizing...I wonder if that can happen to some teens, too. If they feel like we would love them more if we were stricter..? People are so different, there really isn't one theory for all.
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Old 21.11.2010, 21:58
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

I agree with all of the above:
Sit down with her and tell her that if she is going to be late to please call you - and when you call her she needs to answer the phone!
9pm is to early, do find out what times her friends need to be home Midnight or so is more appropriate, unless it`s a school night of course
Tell her if she gets to stay out that late she has alot of responsibility to carry, and if she can`t keep her promise to be home on time or to call when she is going to be late etc there will be consequences.
If you have to explaine to her consequences then you are a bit late..sorry
Try to work it out even if its tough..unless you like a teeny like me
Was out all night even during the week! But hey sundays when i got home like 7amish or so i made breakfast My mother did ask me not do make it that early! Oh well
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Old 21.11.2010, 21:59
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

I agree, MusicChick, situations with teenies always have an history attached to it. That's the reason why I wrote about the history of my colleague with her son. I don't know if it is good to start justifying punishments anyway. Some think the teeny must understand the logic of punishment, other think the teeny just need to be confronted with plain pure stockhard refusal of adults just because of the creadibility an adult has as such, and evenmore as a parent. Explaining or confronting, I don't know.
Work is an idea... you have something here...
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Old 21.11.2010, 22:02
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

I'm not so sure about getting input from posters who have no teenage daughters, let alone a kid, or a wife or husband for that matter.

My daughter is not 16 yet, but a lot of the disciplining I am doing now is in preparation for the time she turns 16. I expect my kids to have a rebellious streak just as much as I had. I was horrible. In comparison, my kids are very well behaved. I hope they stay that way.

Anyways, I've been working on the concept of a trust account with them. The more trustworthy they are, the more freedom and privilege they get. Coming home late, past midnight, at the age of 16 would constitute a major withdrawal from her trust account. Continual withdrawals would result in lost of freedom and privileges. I would not allow my daughter to go wild at that age. There are enough of those people out there. I don't feel a need to raise another one. And yes, I do believe mine is special.
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Old 21.11.2010, 22:07
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

I got my first paid work at 15. That was the end of pocket money from my parents. If I wanted to go out, I had to earn the money. I missed many parties because I had to babysit, or have to wake up early to go to work on saturdays and sundays. I was allowed to work as long as it didn't interfered with my school.

I believe this is what miss in those kids right now. No job, no responsabilities and free money coming from the house tree...
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Old 21.11.2010, 22:10
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

16 years old being out until midnight, really?

Am I the only one who thinks it is too late for this age?
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Old 21.11.2010, 22:10
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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Why would you do something different if it was working well for you? Why the need to change the formula?
Because, that is parenting that borders on neglect. Also, as musichick mentioned, rules come with stablity. They show caring and love. I wouldnt want my kid to feel ignored. I also cannot see myself going to sleep calmly, knowing my child could potentially be in a dangerous situation. Either extreme seems unhealthy.

Now I have a question to you, nil since I am still exploring this topic myself. When you left home and were no longer under your parents supervision, did you feel a need to explore your independince?
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Old 21.11.2010, 22:12
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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I got my first paid work at 15. That was the end of pocket money from my parents. If I wanted to go out, I had to earn the money. I missed many parties because I had to babysit, or have to wake up early to go to work on saturdays and sundays. I was allowed to work as long as it didn't interfered with my school.

I believe this is what miss in those kids right now. No job, no responsabilities and free money coming from the house tree...
My parents thought that me working on minimum wage was exploitation. The condition was as long as I got good grades.

I was given a set allowance that I had to make do with and by everything I needed from, including toiletries and keep my horse.

I turned out to be good at saving
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Old 21.11.2010, 22:16
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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16 years old being out until midnight, really?

Am I the only one who thinks it is too late for this age?

Yes and no. In a city, out clubbing or not knowing where they are, Yes, too late. At a friends house, with other parents around, no, not a problem for me.
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