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Old 21.11.2010, 22:17
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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I always laugh when I see 17 year old kids in the States on TV sneaking alcohol and doing beer bongs etc. 17 was when I stopped drinking (or at least getting drunk). I experimented with it briefly at 14, didn't like it, and that was it.
Yeah, just look at Daytona beach at spring break, it's mostly college kids, acting like 13yr olds, bizarro land.

I wasn't into drinking, either, it was boring. But I grew up with a dad who told me all the time that red wine is great for blood cells, white one does sumfin for imunity, shots improve my blood pressure and beers are for boobs.

Anyone would be turned off booze after that...

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Work is an idea... you have something here...
You see, that's where apprentisage gets it right. It's a wake up situation, and could be achieved at mere 15 here, wundebar. And it can be pretty tough, real world, real work. They hesitate to rebel against that, since they would be against themselves...Not as fancy as rebelling against their poor ol parents and profs.

Phos, do people who spend time with dozens of teens everyday count? Everyone was a teen once, why wouldn't one have an opinion..

The world where just studying is expected from teens and not chippin in with anything else is a strange one.
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  #42  
Old 21.11.2010, 22:20
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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I'm not so sure about getting input from posters who have no teenage daughters, let alone a kid, or a wife or husband for that matter.
You are free to ignore these messages, but the input stays.

I see around hundred children more hours every day than their parents. Some are so rebelous that there is nothing I can do in my class to make them follow or participate, others I manage to change their attitude. I am trying things out and deal with your teeny daughters and sons hours each week. Authority is just as much authority as THEY give you, not what you impose on them. That is my imput, whether you ignore it or not.
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Old 21.11.2010, 22:22
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

I have survived 3 teenagers. From a very young age I have to admit I was really strict with them but maybe it was because I had strict parents. When they were 16 they knew the rules about what was expected regarding schoolwork, behaviour outside etc. If they messed up school and fluffed up exams then I was not going to bail them out .
I figure that if they are taught the rules you must trust them that if they get into a situation they will automatically know what is right or wrong. I didn't impose coming home times and left it to them. It was interesting that most times they were home early.
I'm not saying it is the right thing but it worked for us and I can honestly say I was so lucky that we had no real problems but I have known some parents have nightmares.
I think the groundwork needs to be done way before the teenage years..
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Old 21.11.2010, 22:23
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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Because, that is parenting that borders on neglect. Also, as musichick mentioned, rules come with stablity. They show caring and love. I wouldnt want my kid to feel ignored. I also cannot see myself going to sleep calmly, knowing my child could potentially be in a dangerous situation. Either extreme seems unhealthy.

Now I have a question to you, nil since I am still exploring this topic myself. When you left home and were no longer under your parents supervision, did you feel a need to explore your independince?
Thanks for you answer, it does make a lot of sense!

My mother throwed me out of the house when I was 19 years old because I came half an hour late after letting her know about it. Since she didn't agree with it.... I wasn't a rebel teenager at all. She was very very veeeeery strict with discipline and it was the cause of a lot of tension.

I had to be back home at midnight during weekends (at 19 years old) and 10 pm during the week. I wasn't allowed to go to sleep to my friend's house and at 15 years old I came 15 minutes late from the time allowed (9 pm) and wasn't allowed to go out for 1 month.

So I believe that I had a lot to catch up when I found myself suddenly sharing an appartment with 3 other girls... But I had to work and study...

I began to explore my independance around 25 years old. School finished, good job in an other country and plenty of invitations to party!

I wished that I had more respect and trust from my mother when I was a teenager. But maybe I wouldn't be who I am now if I had more freedom, maybe I would have put myself into trouble...

But I doubt it, knowing my personnality!
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Old 21.11.2010, 22:36
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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16 years old being out until midnight, really?

Am I the only one who thinks it is too late for this age?
Looks like it.

I wouldn't tell my 16 year old when he/she has to be home. The only thing I'd ask him/her is to stay with the friends. That was my parents requirement during my teen years. For the rest, I could stay out and drink as much alcohol as I liked. I'd do it similarly with my kids (not that I have any yet).
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Old 21.11.2010, 22:39
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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I believe that you were pretty independant and responsable at this age. Sadly, this teenager in my exemple is a lazy, spoiled teenager who doesn't bring good results from school, spend all of her time on internet and her phone. She doesn't work and have no responsabilities what so ever beside helping in the house.
That sounds like.....wait for it.......a teenager
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Old 21.11.2010, 22:39
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

I wonder when it is the parent's good intentions that keep them being really strict, and when it is their inability to deal with their own anxiety of having almost grown up child that can get her/himself easily in a trouble and parents obviously don't trust enough to let the reins little loose. It's a tough one. I think it is worth investing ourselves way earlier, than be alarmed all of a sudden when they turn teen.

I remember I wasn't really into rebellion, since it hurt me the most when folks were disappointed, I just needed to explore the world on my own. So it was not to oppose per se, I think my parents trusting me made me independent, so I had guts to leave home early. Most relationships smooth into 20s and all is forgotten. I am afraid, though, if one is extremely strict and unreasonably limiting, it not only throws some individuals into rebellion, but for some it can spoil the bond for long time...
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Old 21.11.2010, 22:42
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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That's a bold unsupported generalization that may or may not be true in this specific case. If kids or so 'street smart' why are teenage alcohol abuse and teen pregnancies still such a problem?
Supported by my experience, in general yes. Just what fraction of 15 yr olds are you saying are pregnant , or victims of alcohol abuse ? it's a small number isn't it ? By and large , my statement stands.
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Old 21.11.2010, 22:42
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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Looks like it. If you as a parent have done a decent job that is.

I wouldn't tell my 16 year old when he/she has to be home. The only thing I'd ask him/her is to stay with the friends. That was my parents requirement during my teen years. For the rest, I could stay out and drink as much alcohol as I liked. I'd do it similarly with my kids (not that I have any yet).
You know, I don't want to be judgemental here or pointing at peoples directly, but maybe... just maybe, if kids were having more discipline these days, just maybe they wouldn't be into so much trouble...

In plenty of thread we saw comments about the kids today having no respects, no responsabilities, no good education... Could it be that they are too free of doing what ever they want? I would tend to believe that maybe a lack of discipline is in the case.
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Old 21.11.2010, 22:49
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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You know, I don't want to be judgemental here or pointing at peoples directly, but maybe... just maybe, if kids were having more discipline these days, just maybe they wouldn't be into so much trouble...

In plenty of thread we saw comments about the kids today having no respects, no responsabilities, no good education... Could it be that they are too free of doing what ever they want? I would tend to believe that maybe a lack of discipline is in the case.
This is a complaint that is probably thousands of years old
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Old 21.11.2010, 22:52
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

Come on Nil. Really? You gonna play the "teenagers are lazy slackers" card that middle-aged parents have been saying for 50 years? Are you really gonna sprout the "teenagers were more responsible in my day" lines?

The fact is that teenagers think the whole world is against them, their hormones are running around like mad and they really have inward thoughts. The fact that this girl came home at all just goes to show that maybe shes had decent parenting. Maybe midnight is too late. Maybe not. Depends on relationships families have with their kids

From being a teenager a short (relatively short ) time ago, I can tell you that teenagers are probably better now than they were when i was a young bloke. More aware of difficult situations and aware of dangers certainly

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Old 21.11.2010, 22:55
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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You know, I don't want to be judgemental here or pointing at peoples directly, but maybe... just maybe, if kids were having more discipline these days, just maybe they wouldn't be into so much trouble...

In plenty of thread we saw comments about the kids today having no respects, no responsabilities, no good education... Could it be that they are too free of doing what ever they want? I would tend to believe that maybe a lack of discipline is in the case.
I'm not sure, but you might be right about the discipline. My parents were strict when I was a kid: be polite, help in the house, sit quietly in the church etc... But I'm not raising a kid in these days. I can imagine that it's difficult to hold up rules if people around you think you're way too strict.
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Old 21.11.2010, 22:56
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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You know, I don't want to be judgemental here or pointing at peoples directly, but maybe... just maybe, if kids were having more discipline these days, just maybe they wouldn't be into so much trouble...

In plenty of thread we saw comments about the kids today having no respects, no responsabilities, no good education... Could it be that they are too free of doing what ever they want? I would tend to believe that maybe a lack of discipline is in the case.
It's not a lack of discipline, it's a lack of respect... When given in large doses, it comes back. Treating them like kids instead of pre-adults is dis-respecting them in their eyes. Giving them freedom under the constraints of love and respect will grow them towards the adult you want them, and the adult they want to be. We need to stop the cycle of historically repetetive parenting and adjust our methods to work in their world, not ours. if you think you have to discipline a teenager, then you are too late. Grow them up to avoid the pitfalls in teenage years though love and respect, they should feel they have to respect your views because you love them and are looking out for them, and for no other reason than to avoid harm and danger...This they should have learnt 5 -10 years earlier... They should know whats right at 16 , not have to be told it.
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Old 21.11.2010, 23:07
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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It's not a lack of discipline, it's a lack of respect... When given in large doses, it comes back. Treating them like kids instead of pre-adults is dis-respecting them in their eyes. Giving them freedom under the constraints of love and respect will grow them towards the adult you want them, and the adult they want to be. We need to stop the cycle of historically repetetive parenting and adjust our methods to work in their world, not ours. if you think you have to discipline a teenager, then you are too late. Grow them up to avoid the pitfalls in teenage years though love and respect, they should feel they have to respect your views because you love them and are looking out for them, and for no other reason than to avoid harm and danger...This they should have learnt 5 -10 years earlier... They should know whats right at 16 , not have to be told it.
This is absolutely true! Did you watch this british show called the World strictest parents?

Very good show and it does show exactly what you are saying. Those kids have no respect for their parents and they rebel. When they are dealing with strict parenting, they get shocked but the have respect for the parents because they show them respect in return. They ask them to respect the rules and expect them to do so. But treat them like adult.
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Old 21.11.2010, 23:26
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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This is absolutely true! Did you watch this british show called the World strictest parents?

Very good show and it does show exactly what you are saying. Those kids have no respect for their parents and they rebel. When they are dealing with strict parenting, they get shocked but the have respect for the parents because they show them respect in return. They ask them to respect the rules and expect them to do so. But treat them like adult.
I watched that show, and I sort of saw my upbringing in those "strict" parents. I didn't really see them as strict. I had relatively few rules when I was growing up, but most of them were based around a code of conduct, respect for my parents and respect for the general household. I was never hit or shouted at, but I had a very good sense that if I were to for example swear at my father, the world would come to an abrupt end.
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Old 22.11.2010, 07:26
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

My sister is 16 and is allowed to stay out until midnight ONLY if its not a school night and my mom knows where she is and with whom. That is only when she is at a friends house. If she is out somewhere then is until 10


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I watched that show, and I sort of saw my upbringing in those "strict" parents. I didn't really see them as strict. I had relatively few rules when I was growing up, but most of them were based around a code of conduct, respect for my parents and respect for the general household. I was never hit or shouted at, but I had a very good sense that if I were to for example swear at my father, the world would come to an abrupt end.
lol same here. My dad gets angry once every couple of years (literaly) but when he does get angry run! He is scary!!
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Old 22.11.2010, 08:23
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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PS: That wasn't Little Princess* obviously, but my sister in law's daughter...
Just wait. It'll happen to you one day as well.
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Old 22.11.2010, 08:46
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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I have survived 3 teenagers. From a very young age I have to admit I was really strict with them but maybe it was because I had strict parents. When they were 16 they knew the rules about what was expected regarding schoolwork, behaviour outside etc. If they messed up school and fluffed up exams then I was not going to bail them out .
I figure that if they are taught the rules you must trust them that if they get into a situation they will automatically know what is right or wrong. I didn't impose coming home times and left it to them. It was interesting that most times they were home early.
I'm not saying it is the right thing but it worked for us and I can honestly say I was so lucky that we had no real problems but I have known some parents have nightmares.
I think the groundwork needs to be done way before the teenage years..
I've got one. Out of her three friends, she gets to stay out the longest (11 pm). However, because one of her friend's has very strict parents, she's usually home before. She has her phone with her and has called me about extending her curfew or other things while out.

I know her friends and her friends' parents' well. I also trust my daughter. So far, our discussions haven't been about staying out but about finding family time with her. Still trying to find the balance on that one.

It's not easy finding balance with a teenager. We live in a small village so it's easier for me to let her go out on her own. I want my daughter to have good memories of her teenage years including long talks with friends, harmless crushes, trying out new things and knowing when to say to no, etc. If I find she's abusing her generous curfew or has started drinking alcohol regularly, etc., then we will have to re-evaluate. Til then, I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope all the common sense we've drilled into her has made an impact.
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Old 22.11.2010, 08:55
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

At 16 I was working. As soon as I started working I started paying (small amounts) of board/ rent. I was treated with respect (as an adult) and expected to treat others with it.
My parents expected me to show them enough respect to tell them where I was and when I would be home. They had the power to veto my plans if they thought that they were inappropriate but very rarely did so and reasonably explained why when they did.
By this age the groundwork should be well and truly done! My parents used to give us more freedom and respect when we were well behaved and when we misbehaved we lost privileges (the right to go out to a movie or access to a favorite item or activity) but all of this was applied between the ages of 2 - 15. If you haven't worked it out at a much younger age and your child has no respect for you it's like trying to close the gate when your horse has already bolted...
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Old 22.11.2010, 09:06
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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...
I think the groundwork needs to be done way before the teenage years..
I have three kids - 13, 15 and 19. They don't need much in the way of discipline, because we laid the ground rules early on. Essentially, mutual respect.

As they get older, they get more freedom to do what they choose. There is no "you must be home at this time". But then, except the oldest, my kids don't go out late in the evening. I expect them to tell me when they'll get back, and if they're going to be late to let me know. Simply because I have a duty of care (and love them), and can't exercise that duty without free and frank communication. They know we have their best interests at heart, and that any discipline isn't in place just so that we feel we're in control.
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