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  #81  
Old 22.11.2010, 14:07
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

I've a teen-thing at home and although she is a very good girl, sometimes (rarely) do I have to lay down the law.

I've raised her with respect, which of course goes both ways. Also the idea of: if you do what is asked of you and you follow the rules- the world is your oyster. And finally, "I am your Mother not your friend.".

This has worked with her and I am darn lucky. As I mentioned above, the few times I have had get on her, I've had her chose her punishment after making it very clear what she has done wrong. Believe me, she choses punishments I would never have thought of.

Being a parent is a learning process, each child is different. What works with one might not work with another.

Back to Nils question: 3 hours late is not acceptable for an adult and even less so for a child. As Tiny Fey said in 30 Rock, "that's a deal breaker".
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  #82  
Old 22.11.2010, 14:20
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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.... And finally, "I am your Mother not your friend...
That's how we've raised our kids as well. If you want to be friends with your children when they're adult, you can't treat them as friends when they're children. You are their parent, first and foremost - it's about their well-being, not about feeling good about yourself.
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  #83  
Old 22.11.2010, 14:32
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

How does one discipline a teenager?

Well in our family, it seems you ship rebellious teenagers to Switzerland to live with their aunt and uncle for the summer...

...where we frog-march the youngsters up and down mountains until they learn that 'whatever' is actually not the only word in the English language.


Seriously, my sisters feel that spending time with adults who are not the children's parents has been a good safety valve once teenage hormones/rebellion kicks in. The youngsters are in a foreign country, a bit out of their comfort zone so are more likely to think before acting. A summer in Switzerland is sort of independence with training wheels.

The rules here are indeed different than back home; drinking is not forbidden, one can order a beer or glass of wine anytime one wishes. With the thrill of the forbidden fruit gone, it's a good opportunity to learn to drink responsibly. I mean, having to listen to your old uncle wax eloquent about the merits of this burgundy or that bordeaux - seriously uncool.

The 16 year olds cannot drive so the risks are minimized, at least in comparison to the idiocy they can get up to in California when peer pressure kicks in. The youngsters get a train pass, an SBB timetable, and our blessing to explore. The only hard-and fast rule is that the child makes his/her own plans, then discusses them with me. If he/she cannot make it home by the time planned a phone call is expected.

By setting expectations for sensible behavior high but keeping the rules less restrictive, the youngsters do indeed tend to self-limit rather than test boundaries. And, that we are not their parents means the thrill of testing boundaries is much reduced. Actually, I've been very impressed at how my flighty, sullen, rebellious nieces and nephews have risen to the occasion - they are growing into delightful, interesting, thoughtful - and fun - almost-adults, and I always look forward to their next visit.

Of course, if I screw up this whole in loco parentis thing, I can just ship said teenagers back at the end of the summer, and let their parents deal with them.
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  #84  
Old 22.11.2010, 15:24
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

Yeah, I think shipping your kids to relatives is a great idea. I think they should be exposed to different authorities, different sets of rules, so they see their parents actually have a point every now and then and they aren't only after their kids' necks out of principle, which teens often feel, in their self pity drama moments...I remember being on great terms with my favorite aunt when things got sticky at home, I think every teen should have an access to a relative outside of the primary family who can lend a patient ear, and a change of scenery, different attitude, distance..That's really healthy. And expecting from them to chip in works better, if that didn't work at home, teens are usually a lot more cooperative with others than their own parents, who they often take for granted. I think for some teens negating their parents and opposing them equals getting an independent mind, some really need that to find themselves..

I remember a talk I had not so long ago, a teen asked me why they have to work so hard with me, I had to explain I have high opinion of them and so expect a lot, they also work hard to impress me since they know I appreciate it and value their efforts. If that is possible to explain to our own teens and have them get it, I think most of the mission is accomplished, no? I don't really think they would understand the whole "I am legally responsible for you, etc". that gets shoved down their throat so often. Just makes them rebel more, maybe they do understand laws but I think it attracts to want to break it. Things get easier when I explain expectations, consequences for me if we don't reach the goal, not just consequences for them, maybe parents can do the same.

One thing I noticed, I send kids to a school detention for all sorts of troubles (dangerous behavior, disrespectful, work not done, etc.), it has to be discrete, swift and rationally explained. It is really about how one present the punishment. If you talk to them and say - you haven't done your work, couldn't focus, something prevented you, you need to come back and redo, they take it a lot better than me spieling over their inappropriate conduct, yady ya they could cite from so many adults lamenting at them. It's like with positive parenting and tots. If I tell my child we really have to skip our afternoon fun plans since our morning attitude exhausted us, teaches them a lot more about responsibility, consequences, and they get to save their overly sensitive rebellious face. I like telling teens how expected their rebellion is, how cliche it sometimes is, they seem to want to do the opposite, too.

Why do I think removing a kid's bedroom door is a...rather strange thing to want to do..I think I'm the only one here, so I'll shut up, but I think teens need dignity, even if they "sinned". Completely removing privacy sounds like a reason to want to disappear once the kid hits 18.
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  #85  
Old 22.11.2010, 15:37
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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...
Why do I think removing a kid's bedroom door is a...rather strange thing to want to do..I think I'm the only one here...
No. You're not the only one. I wouldn't do it, and can't imagine circumstances where I'd want to.
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  #86  
Old 22.11.2010, 17:25
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

My daughter and son are 25 and 27. My daughter has told me that I was tough at times and that now she appreciates it.

I believe that the job of a parent is as a guide. The biggest gift you can give to your children is independence. Naturaly they will want to rebel or may seem rebellious as they try to establish this indepence. As parent you need learn and be aware of the difference between controlling and guiding. If you control them to much then your message is I do not trust you. Give them opportunities to prove to you that they are responsible.

Parents need to be aware of the possible pitfalls in such areas alcohol, drugs and sex. You can not prevent them from these things but you can educate them so that they can make the right decisions.

You need to have open discussions and above all learn to listen rather give advice. Try to keep your mouth shut when they want to talk to you. How do you feel wqhen your partner does not listen to you when you want to share and offers advice to tells you what to do.

Take an interest in their lives and spend time with them if you can

Last but not least, stop trying to be the best parent or do whats right. Trust in your instincts.
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  #87  
Old 22.11.2010, 18:15
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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Sadly, this teenager in my example is a lazy, spoiled teenager who doesn't bring good results from school, spend all of her time on internet and her phone. She doesn't work and has no responsibilities whatsoever besides helping in the house.
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success ... depends on a) whether said child knows they were wrong and b) whether they respect their parents or not. In this case, it doesn't sound like that's true (I may be wrong).
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No you are right, I believe that respect isn't there. Because if mom says something to her, dad comes behind and screws up everything!
Dad's the one who needs a serious kick up the @rse - he's the one who needs to learn some discipline and respect, if he undermines his wife's efforts.

The teenager is just being, well, a teenager - pushing the boundaries and taking the p1ss, safe in the knowledge that she can play her parents off against each other.
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Old 22.11.2010, 18:33
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

my personal take is this:
- she can be late but 3 hours is taking the mick
- she would be grounded for two weeks for refusing to answer the phone. This is a no-no in my book
- once the two weeks lesson is up, I would tell my child that once in a month they have the chance to phone up and be late. This is an olive branch and allows them to learn some responsibility and not see me as a ogre.

This gives enough rope to either roam or hang herself.

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Old 22.11.2010, 18:58
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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You need to have open discussions and above all learn to listen rather give advice. Try to keep your mouth shut when they want to talk to you.
Good one. As ex A star student with an attitude, I can only confirm that parents sometimes need to be taught a couple of things about real life outthere, like an update. My parents had no idea of most dangers I encountered at that age, and still did not fall for any of them, other parents may have a better eye-sight and would then need less lecture on the modern world. Still, listing, just in case we can learn something about the subculture the teens get involved in.
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Old 22.11.2010, 18:59
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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my personal take is this:
- she can be late but 3 hours is taking the mick
- she would be grounded for two weeks for refusing to answer the phone. This is a no-no in my book
- once the two weeks lesson is up, I would tell my child that once in a month they have the chance to phone up and be late. This is an olive branch and allows them to learn some responsibility and not see me as a ogre.

This gives enough rope to either roam or hang herself.

KB's perspective looks reasonable - not answering the phone and 3 hours late is simply unacceptable. But you know what - you'll never get it right. Teenagers are all different and with completely different maturity levels.

My kids are 23 and 27. When they were teenagers we agreed reasonable discipline together, so they had a hand in the consequences. Refusing to take a parent's call without good reason equalled 'phone grounding' (no phone). And rather than imposing curfews, we tried an escalating curfew. That is, meet the curfew and next time we'll extend it (up to a point), so responsible behaviour was rewarded.

All worked really well for my son.

But we completely failed with my daughter. She drank, she lied, she put herself in dangerous positions - and we tried everything to help. In the end, despite a few memorably successful periods we had a young woman who ended doing everything you dread for your daughter. And I pretty much mean everything. It turned out she was bipolar and I beat myself up daily for not recognising it. She's medicated now, and clean, and we're raising her daughter but it ain't been no picnic.
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Old 22.11.2010, 19:16
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

Most importantly, you have to keep the lines of communication open. If she feels threatened by your response to her actions then you probably are less likely to get a true story out of her. If you can convey your concern without condemning her, she can save face and ultimately appreciate your willingness to understand the situation. People make mistakes, teenagers need to make mistakes. Its part of growing up. I would ask her what happened. Listen to her. And ask her what she thinks is a proper way to solve the issue. She didn`t return at the agreed time. You were worried. How can you work together to make sure you don`t end up in the same dilemma again? Can she agree on a time that she can show up at? Compromise shows respect for her feelings. It`s not that you are a doormat to be walked over, but a mature reasonable adult that knows it`s difficult growing up sometimes. I would discuss a consequence for not showing up for the agreed upon next time. And follow through with it. Good Luck!
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Old 22.11.2010, 21:45
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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Dad's the one who needs a serious kick up the @rse - he's the one who needs to learn some discipline and respect, if he undermines his wife's efforts.
Weejeem, You get the nail right on the spot. You have no idea how deep and far this attitude from the dad is going. Yes, the kids don't respect the mother because the dad doesn't respect her discipline...

So one way or the other... the kids are the one who will suffer from it in short AND long run.
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Old 22.11.2010, 23:03
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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Good one. As ex A star student with an attitude, I can only confirm that parents sometimes need to be taught a couple of things about real life outthere, like an update. My parents had no idea of most dangers I encountered at that age, and still did not fall for any of them, other parents may have a better eye-sight and would then need less lecture on the modern world. Still, listing, just in case we can learn something about the subculture the teens get involved in.
Just want to mention subculture does not necessarily equal danger, I think you didn't mean it that way, just semantics. There is stupid behavior and then subculture, which usually means the opposite of mainstream culture, or counterculture, unofficial culture. Does not mean dangers teens get themselves in, for whatever reasons.

Parents will never parent exactly the same way, that's why functioning family is such a plus, two poles complementing eachother. But united approach to the most important issues is vital, too bad people don't sometimes realize it. It requires maturity to see that far. It is very destabilizing, takes a life time for a kiddo to get over it.
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  #94  
Old 22.11.2010, 23:59
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

In deed, I ment both.
Subcultures have all their specific dangers. And specific unwritten rules to in a way take care of their members. Listening to the teen can be a lesson for parents. To put it in crude terms: I didn't get the aids-info from family in the 80ies, nobody did. Thanks for the subculture. See, parents, those unknown people you don't like actually saved your son's life.
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Old 16.04.2018, 22:46
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

Wear her shoes and try thinking the way she does . Perhaps you cant solve the problem but you may see your own mistake
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Old 17.04.2018, 09:22
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

Actually its quite easy, just cut the cash flow to him/her...
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Old 17.04.2018, 09:55
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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Wear her shoes and try thinking the way she does . Perhaps you cant solve the problem but you may see your own mistake
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Actually its quite easy, just cut the cash flow to him/her...
You know that posting 8 years later the kid in question is most likely done with college by now...
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Old 17.04.2018, 11:13
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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You know that posting 8 years later the kid in question is most likely done with college by now...
Now he probably has kids on his own...
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Old 17.04.2018, 11:21
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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You know that posting 8 years later the kid in question is most likely done with college by now...
Wouldn't it be interesting to find out how that kid turned out? .

Pretty cool probably like most kids
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Old 17.04.2018, 11:23
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Re: How do you discipline your teenager?

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Actually its quite easy, just cut the cash flow to him/her...
how many teenagers have you brought up (oh if only it was sooooo easy- mine are now 44 and 42 and have turned out great- but they did put us through the mill).
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