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  #21  
Old 16.12.2010, 04:18
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

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There's quite a lot of America-bashing on this forum, which is all fine and dandy, except I've got to go there next week, and I'm starting to get a little worried. I won't be in New York or Los Angeles or anywhere fancy like that, but a small town in the Mid West where, I'm told, it's quite chilly at the moment.

I've never been to the New World before, and I have no idea what to expect, apart from what I've seen at the pictures. I'm guessing that most of what I've seen at the pictures is a load of cobblers.

So... rural middle America: What is it really like? What should I do there? What should I be careful about? What enormous social mistakes should I avoid? What shouldn't I miss?

Also, if anyone has any advice about being stuck in an aeroplane for the equivalent of a British working day, and dealing with the chaps in immigration, I'd love to hear it.

Cheers, er, guys.
I would suggest check the weather reports and bring the appropriate warm clothing. Otherwise, just be yourself. Do you really think it's going to be harder to adapt to Kansas City than Schwyz?
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  #22  
Old 16.12.2010, 06:22
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

1)Under no circumstances should you climb into a barrel naked.


2)Do not treat after dinner conversation like the forum, we all agree that shaven headed pierced incestuous dwarven lesbians are quite acceptable and a tad cool, and that God was a bit of a thicky, but your in laws are probably just getting on line and your freestyle trolling conversation may be a tad acidic for their gentle nature.

3) Brush up on your washboard and Banjo skills.
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  #23  
Old 16.12.2010, 08:48
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

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Lots of trucks, lots of convenience stores, lots of churches and HUGE portions of food.
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i believe it's alot like cannock but with more walmarts
Sounds like I'll be right at home!

Thank you very much.
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  #24  
Old 16.12.2010, 09:00
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

Guns. Brush up your knowledge of guns and you will have an infinite topic for conversation.

Actually all you have to say is "I once discharged a Purdy double barrel...." and they will take it from there right up until you board the plane back. You don't have to do anything but nod sagely and say "Oh really" once a day.
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  #25  
Old 16.12.2010, 09:01
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

It's big - very big.
It's flat - very flat.
In the summer it's hot - very hot.
In the winter it's cold - very cold.

It's a continent country of extremes.

As a Brit you will find the US exciting and dynamic - there is a sort raw energy that permeates American life and enthusiasm for every minor triviality of the day, that we Brits lost to cynicism centuries ago.

There is an openness about the people that, while naive, is also infectiously charming.

Go with an open mind and be prepared to be hugged and loved by your new-world family...
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  #26  
Old 16.12.2010, 09:03
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

If the in-laws are anything like my brother's in-laws out there then remember, especially at Christmas:

1. No alcohol.
2. No swearing.
3. Lots of praying.

Otherwise, I'm sure you'll have a swell time!
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  #27  
Old 16.12.2010, 09:09
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

If you have time, catch Junebug (2005, American Indie, Dir Phil Morrison). Else, SouthPark might help.

If you have time, fly to the core of that raw energy--NYC.

Have fun and safe journey.
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  #28  
Old 16.12.2010, 09:23
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

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It's big - very big.
It's flat - very flat.
Oh, yeah. Its very big and flat. Not a mountain in sight. And very few hills.

I also remember lots of corn fields. Ever see Children of the Corn?
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  #29  
Old 16.12.2010, 09:29
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

...oh, and when asked what you'd like carved from the Christmas turkey, don't ask for breast or leg, say light or dark.
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  #30  
Old 16.12.2010, 09:31
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

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...oh, and when asked what you'd like carved from the Christmas turkey, don't ask for breast or leg, say light or dark.
similarly don't ask to bum a fag off someone or to borrow a rubber...
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  #31  
Old 16.12.2010, 10:02
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

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similarly don't ask to bum a fag off someone or to borrow a rubber...
Uh-oh, I just heard a five gallon can of worms pop.
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  #32  
Old 16.12.2010, 10:04
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

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...oh, and when asked what you'd like carved from the Christmas turkey, don't ask for breast or leg, say light or dark.
I think he should absolutely say leg and breast. They are anatomically correct, after all.
Also, do you have a copy of "The Origin of Species"? It might come in handy, even as a talking point.
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  #33  
Old 16.12.2010, 10:17
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

Take some English cheese with you ,from GG , as US cheese is shite.
No jokes at immigration.
Dont flinch when the security guy pulls on latex gloves - you just have to grin and bear it.
Throw away your sense of humour - the Yanks just dont get it esp irony.
Keep referring to your butler back home.
Make sure they know we gave up on them in 1776.
Dont eat all the food on the plate - you´ll end up a porker.
Ask for a warm beer in a bar this always blows them away.

I love em really.....
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  #34  
Old 16.12.2010, 10:22
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

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  #35  
Old 16.12.2010, 10:28
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

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Take some English cheese with you ,from GG , as US cheese is shite.
No jokes at immigration.
Dont flinch when the security guy pulls on latex gloves - you just have to grin and bear it.
Throw away your sense of humour - the Yanks just dont get it esp irony.
Keep referring to your butler back home.
Make sure they know we gave up on them in 1776.
Dont eat all the food on the plate - you´ll end up a porker.
Ask for a warm beer in a bar this always blows them away.

I love em really.....
Avoid anything, verbal, mannerism, dress, anything, that could ever so remotely be taken as ghey. Walk with hunched shoulders like you've got heavy boots on, arms arched out like a gorilla. Learn to glower appropriately, greet people sincerely, but don't look twice at anybody's wife or girl friend.
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  #36  
Old 16.12.2010, 10:53
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

In a restaurant, it's considered bad manners to eat everything on your plate (not that you could anyway).
Instead, adopt the local custom of allowing the restaurant to pack the remaining left-overs on your plate so you can eat them cold for breakfast.
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  #37  
Old 16.12.2010, 11:04
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.


Don't forget to invite your hosts out for dinner as a "thank-you-for-not-shooting-me"


(Assuming, of course, that they haven't shot you... )


Attachment 21732

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  #38  
Old 16.12.2010, 11:05
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

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Alas, we can't afford to fly business class, but the sleeping tablets are already arranged, and I'm planning on taking an unabridged copy of Boswell's "Life of Samuel Johnson", so that should help a bit.

Do I need to wear special socks or anything? I see them advertised a lot, but my wife, who thinks of transatlantic flights like I think of the journey across the Zurichsee, scoffs at the notion.
If you manage to read Boswell through on the flight you will find plenty of snippets of information to last you the trip. Here's a couple.

Quote:
"I am willing to love all mankind, except an American"
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"Sir, they are a race of convicts, and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging."
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  #39  
Old 16.12.2010, 11:17
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

Don't forget to sleep with your sister and start tuning the banjo.
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  #40  
Old 16.12.2010, 11:48
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Re: America: Why it's brilliant, and all that.

dude...

3 words: Dukes Of Hazzard

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