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Old 21.03.2011, 20:59
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Getting involve in your friend's life

I have a question for you, EF Folks.

I guess it is maybe a gender thing but for what I know, we girls are pretty close to our girlfriends and tend to share a lot with them. We know all details and pieces while guys keep it light and simple. And yes, I have nothing to hide to her and she tells me everything too.

My best friend is like my sister and I will always stand next to her, take her side and fight for her. I will also kick her butt when she needs it and be there for a wake up call when the need is there too. And I expect her to do the same for me.

When she comes to me and tells me what is going on, what is the problem or what stupid thing her husband did, I know she wants me to support her and give her my opinion (good or bad). She may needs to have someone who understand what she is going through and also to have someone who would feel the same in the same situation.

My husband won't get involve in his best friend's life with his opinion nor will have a good talk when his friend act like an idiot. He won't say something until his friend brings it in the conversation and even then, it will be as neutral as possible...

Is it a guy thing?


It drives me crazy! Because my best friend is married to his best friend. And we both know how Dick Head his friend can be. Don't get me wrong, I love him (the friend) very much, he was my witness at our wedding. But let's face it, we both know he needs a real kick in his behind but hubby won't do it.

As a man, as a woman what is your involvement?

Is this a gender thing?
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Old 21.03.2011, 21:28
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

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Is this a gender thing?
Yes.

The only problems I discuss with other men is motorcycle related stuff, which most, but not all, women have no clue about.

Tom
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Old 21.03.2011, 21:45
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

I point at people and laugh.

No one asks me for my advice any more.
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Old 21.03.2011, 22:21
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

You would have to be very certain that your girlfriend's view of her husband is really correct and that his behaviour is completely outrageous before:
- getting involved
- asking your husband to compromise his friendship
- potentially destroying your pleasant relationship

balance..

if it's just every day husband/wife stuff, stay out, be quiet, listen.
if it's a serious problem, weigh the pro's and the con's of the consequences first.

Old wives saying from down south:
Fra moglie e marito,
Non si metto un ditto

Between wife and husband there's no space for anybody else (very loose translation of the meaning)
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Old 21.03.2011, 22:38
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

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Old wives saying from down south:
Fra moglie e marito,
Non si metto un ditto

Between wife and husband there's no space for anybody else (very loose translation of the meaning)
Between wife and husband, you don't lay a finger (exact translation).

Tom
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Old 21.03.2011, 22:42
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

Nils .. you ever read that book "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus"?

Well .... it is so true.

Men, when/if they speak about something, it is a very serious matter, and if it is voiced as a question, then it is something very serious, and needs fixing.

Women speak about everything - and do not seek fixing - merely a (sympathetic) listener.

And this is where multi-tasking comes into the story.

When a woman speak to a man, he has to give up his daydreaming and concentrate, and unless the subject is absolutely rivetting and he is at all capable of fixing it, he will be unable to concentrate on even tying his shoelaces while listening, while working out possible solutions.

Meanwhile .. the woman will, usually, have already changed the subject, (having mentally solved the problem while speaking about it), and be now discussing re-arranging the garden, or whatever needs changing, seeing she seems to have his attention, and seized the moment .......

By the time the man realises his opinion is no longer valid, and has lost track of what she is talking about ...... well ...... this could be one of the reasons he does not get involved in his friends problems, because he needs to be able to concentrate on only ONE set of problems at a time?

And women are able to concentrate on lots of sets of problems.
Women are fixers. They like everyone to be happy.
Men like to be happy. And have no problems to fix.
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Old 21.03.2011, 22:44
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

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I have a question for you, EF Folks.

I guess it is maybe a gender thing but for what I know, we girls are pretty close to our girlfriends and tend to share a lot with them. We know all details and pieces while guys keep it light and simple. And yes, I have nothing to hide to her and she tells me everything too.

My best friend is like my sister and I will always stand next to her, take her side and fight for her. I will also kick her butt when she needs it and be there for a wake up call when the need is there too. And I expect her to do the same for me.

When she comes to me and tells me what is going on, what is the problem or what stupid thing her husband did, I know she wants me to support her and give her my opinion (good or bad). She may needs to have someone who understand what she is going through and also to have someone who would feel the same in the same situation.

My husband won't get involve in his best friend's life with his opinion nor will have a good talk when his friend act like an idiot. He won't say something until his friend brings it in the conversation and even then, it will be as neutral as possible...

Is it a guy thing?


It drives me crazy! Because my best friend is married to his best friend. And we both know how Dick Head his friend can be. Don't get me wrong, I love him (the friend) very much, he was my witness at our wedding. But let's face it, we both know he needs a real kick in his behind but hubby won't do it.

As a man, as a woman what is your involvement?

Is this a gender thing?
yes, this is normal for a guy. if you think he needs a kick, then do the kicking yourself.
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Old 21.03.2011, 22:47
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

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Nils .. you ever read that book "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus"?

Well .... it is so true.

Men, when/if they speak about something, it is a very serious matter, and if it is voiced as a question, then it is something very serious, and needs fixing.

Women speak about everything - and do not seek fixing - merely a (sympathetic) listener.

And this is where multi-tasking comes into the story.

When a woman speak to a man, he has to give up his daydreaming and concentrate, and unless the subject is absolutely rivetting and he is at all capable of fixing it, he will be unable to concentrate on even tying his shoelaces while listening, while working out possible solutions.

Meanwhile .. the woman will, usually, have already changed the subject, (having mentally solved the problem while speaking about it), and be now discussing re-arranging the garden, or whatever needs changing, seeing she seems to have his attention, and seized the moment .......

By the time the man realises his opinion is no longer valid, and has lost track of what she is talking about ...... well ...... this could be one of the reasons he does not get involved in his friends problems, because he needs to be able to concentrate on only ONE set of problems at a time?

And women are able to concentrate on lots of sets of problems.
Women are fixers. They like everyone to be happy.
Men like to be happy. And have no problems to fix.
This is pretty amazing how true it is...
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Old 21.03.2011, 22:49
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

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yes, this is normal for a guy. if you think he needs a kick, then do the kicking yourself.
My kick won't get the same result because it is a woman's point of view kick. What he needs is a man's point of view kick. It does not have the same effect....
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Old 21.03.2011, 22:51
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

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Women speak about everything - and do not seek fixing - merely a (sympathetic) listener.

And this is where multi-tasking comes into the story.

When a woman speak to a man, he has to give up his daydreaming and concentrate, and unless the subject is absolutely rivetting and he is at all capable of fixing it, he will be unable to concentrate on even tying his shoelaces while listening, while working out possible solutions.
I'm not convinced they need a (sympathetic) listener, rather simply someone they THINK is listening.

My girlfriend, being a stereotypical 'latin' type, speaks incessantly. Granted, it has been good for my Italian, but I can walk out of the room, go to the toilet, return, and most often she won't have noticed my absence!

Any woman who believes that a man is actually listening to her as she rambles (as is invariably the case) is, ummm, normal.

Tom
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Old 21.03.2011, 22:52
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

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My kick won't get the same result because it is a woman's point of view kick. What he needs is a man's point of view kick. It does not have the same effect....
then get a sex change, or leave the matter well alone.
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Old 21.03.2011, 22:53
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

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Women are fixers. They like everyone to be happy.
Men like to be happy. And have no problems to fix.
Then please come and fix all my motorcycles that need fixing (ok, they aren't broken, but they do need maintenance)

Tom
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Old 21.03.2011, 22:55
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

It's not a gender thing, but cultural...In some cultures it is considered rude to give unsolicited advice, unless asked, as otherwise it is seen as know-it-all and intrusive. On other cultures (like mine ), it's considered selfish not to act and not share your view and try to protect your friend's wellbeing. If you think your friend is doing something bad and you don't tell him and reason with "good manners" people would call you an alibist. I can see both approaches having pros and cons, would appreciate honesty from friends, but also letting me having my own control over my own life and relationship. I tend not to get involved between partners, though. What do we know that is happening and why...
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Old 21.03.2011, 22:59
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

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then get a sex change, or leave the matter well alone.
I will leave it alone.... Because it doesn't change and my friend is the one who has to grow some back bone and kick his ass... It is emotionally consuming to get angry, sad or mad because of the situation. I can't do nothing to change it and as long as she doesn't do something, it will remain this way.

But I was very curious to know how guys and girls see problem resolution and emotional involvement in a very close friend or family member relationship.
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Old 21.03.2011, 23:00
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

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Then please come and fix all my motorcycles that need fixing (ok, they aren't broken, but they do need maintenance)

Tom
That is when men are happy ...... fixing their motorcycles... That`s why motorcycles were invented.
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Old 21.03.2011, 23:03
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

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Then please come and fix all my motorcycles that need fixing (ok, they aren't broken, but they do need maintenance)

Tom
We are not that different. When you are fixing your bikes you are not thinking about something else. It help you to just focus on one task and empty your brain.

I do the same too. Not with bikes but other things that I like to do.
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Old 21.03.2011, 23:06
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

By the way, I thought that psychology matters, advise in relationship had its place in Family matter.... Not General Off-topic!
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Old 21.03.2011, 23:08
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

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I will leave it alone.... Because it doesn't change and my friend is the one who has to grow some back bone and kick his ass... It is emotionally consuming to get angry, sad or mad because of the situation. I can't do nothing to change it and as long as she doesn't do something, it will remain this way.

But I was very curious to know how guys and girls see problem resolution and emotional involvement in a very close friend or family member relationship.
That is the value of close friends/family...... To be good listeners when others have problems. By speaking their problem aloud they will usually find their own solutions, most especially when able to do that with someone they can trust to not repeat what they are saying, to others.

At most, it would require one to pay very close attention to what they are saying ... and be able to fine-tune their gabbling down to the crux of the problem for them to concentrate on. A sort-of clearing out of the dead-wood so they can actually see what their problem is, if indeed there IS a problem. Everyone has their own solutions - once they can identify the problem.
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Old 21.03.2011, 23:09
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

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By the way, I thought that psychology matters, advise in relationship had its place in Family matter.... Not General Off-topic!
Yes I really do agree wit you. It's not Off-Topic at all.
Gender differences and reactions was a subject I've been thinking of too.
It belongs in psychology (hence Family Matters)

Mods would you kindly consider returning it to it's original place please ?
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Old 21.03.2011, 23:13
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Re: Getting involve in your friend's life

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That is when men are happy ...... fixing their motorcycles... That`s why motorcycles were invented.
So true.

Even during coffee breaks at work I fabricate tools or parts for my bikes!

Tom
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