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Old 26.05.2011, 10:52
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in-laws issues

Something troubles me about being married and having in-laws (german)but they are not the problem. What bothers me is that i like them too much to a point that i compare my own parents(Filipinos) to them and im not happy. I think i now dislike my own parents and wish they would be like my inlaws! Is this a normal feeling? Am i being an ingrateful b*tch for it?

Maybe its just a temporary effect of how my parents behaved when they were here. I needed them here to support me on my wedding but somehow they acted like divas and needed me to do every little thing for them. I even had to convince them and my husband did all the preparation/visa processing for them to get here. I was really disappointed and after they left i was numb about not going to see them for a long time. All those little things that they could do but chose to order me around when i was already going insane with the pressure. They built up and seeing them leave was actually a relief for me. I feel guilty now even though i was nice to them the whole time they were here.

How do you handle these changes in your life? i know i cant expect them to change but i did change. And in my eyes i see no reason for them to not improve their lifestyle/habits (i wont go into details anymore). Is this just a thing with interracial/cultural marriages? I think so. But somehow it sucks. I feel like im not their little angel anymore and like i abandoned them. I intend to visit them every now and then but im afraid its just not the same. I might not enjoy it anymore, i would have to do alot of adjusting and suppressing negative feelings.
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Old 26.05.2011, 11:20
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Re: in-laws issues

Ok, I moved this to an OffTopic section, since I do not think it is CH specific, so don't get mad.

I get your gripe. I also think, weddings are horrifically stressful, and if you happen to have too much on your shoulder, you might not necessarily tolerate what you would tolerate some other time.

I also hear you on the wedding and having guests who expected me, the already overloaded sole manager of it all, to entertain them, show them around and act like a travel agency. I thought people come to a wedding not to do a favor to the married couple, but to feel good about being allowed to be a part of something new, nice and positive. Not everyone sees it this way, though. Forget the divas who showed up with the "take care of me on your wedding day" attitude and chuck it down for being hurt their girl is not theirs anymore. Sometimes people act strange if they feel they are being left out, they need to assert their importance, etc. Had it too. Things are nice, here, don't forget, they might have felt jealous or compared to how life is here as opposed to there. Plus, if they think you ran off to have a better life here, than there, it might make them feel like there is wasn't good enough. What do we know...

You are lucky for having a set of folks near, who are helpful, who don't overload you with any guilt and who are supportive, as parents should be, in my opinion. The fact it is not your set of biological parents, that's life. Enjoy them and let them know how much you appreciate this.

Give your folks a break, stay in touch, formally, but I wouldn't necessarily go out of my way to comfort them, since your comfort on your big day didn't seem to be a priority to them when you needed. They will learn. Everyone does. And we chill. Things will be alright again.
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Last edited by MusicChick; 26.05.2011 at 11:40.
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Old 26.05.2011, 11:45
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Re: in-laws issues

Thanks MC, im not mad. The EF vacation did me good and i should already know by now where to put this.

About being invited at the wedding. Even back home, the pressure and stress are usually distributed to the entire extended family, both bride and groom. And thats what i expected from my biological parents. I didnt expect so much from the in-laws and know nothing of their culture but they surprised me with how much help (even legwork) they provided. And at the last minute, they even shouldered the bill for the venue.

Ok i didnt consider also that my own parents might have bad feelings about me leaving but we had a plan when the sightseeing will be and when to just focus on the wedding. It makes me sad, is it normal for the wife to drift away from her family like this?
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Old 26.05.2011, 12:02
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Re: in-laws issues

I have the exact opposite situation: I also married a German. When I compare my in-laws to my own parents, I love my mommy and daddy even more. My own husband, though, is ashamed of his parents and when I mention his mother in a *nice* way I only call her "monster-in-law". Having a Nazi grandma that liked to call me "ausländer schlampe" also didn't help to set the mood with my in-laws.

Anywaaaaaaaaaay.

I married in Portugal. I organized the whole wedding together with my mom (though my mom did most of the organizing in itself, since I was working in Germany at the time). We organized EVERYTHING including hotel and transportation to church/ place for "wedding meal" (how's the eating and party called in English?). My in-laws? They complained that the private bus that picked them up at the hotel was late, that they didn't get the first row on the church, that the wedding was too expensive and too noisy (because their "german" way says wedding should be smaller than 50 people AH AH AH. Funny part is they didn't pay anything since tradition is bride's family pays wedding).

They also behaved like little kings, like the rich part of the family that goes to the third world country to get served. I don't think you're a bad person for having angry feelings towards the behaviour of your parents. My husband harbours same thing and I still think he is the most compationate, caring person in the world.

I think most people forget the pressure bride and groom have preparing their wedding. And because they are getting so much attention, family might envy that and act a little bit weird to get some spotlight too.

Cheer up, you are not a bad person for it. Jus try to move on and think about the positive sides of your parents. Most important thing is to keep diplomatic. Enjoy your new parents and cherish them greatly. Though I only gained moody, scrudgy, annoying in-laws, my husband gained a mom and a dad. Makes me happy to share my parents, I'm sure it will make your husband/ huband's parents happy too
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Old 26.05.2011, 12:02
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Sorry you're going through this in your life at the moment. The only thing I can think of is as MusicChick said, just continue to be in contact with your parents. Respect them and be kind to them. Things change, they always do. It may be a few years from now, it may be many years from now. It's really cool that you're in-laws are so great. Love them for it.
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Old 26.05.2011, 13:31
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Re: in-laws issues

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Ok, I moved this to an OffTopic section, since I do not think it is CH specific, so don't get mad.

I get your gripe. I also think, weddings are horrifically stressful, and if you happen to have too much on your shoulder, you might not necessarily tolerate what you would tolerate some other time.

I also hear you on the wedding and having guests who expected me, the already overloaded sole manager of it all, to entertain them, show them around and act like a travel agency. I thought people come to a wedding not to do a favor to the married couple, but to feel good about being allowed to be a part of something new, nice and positive. Not everyone sees it this way, though. Forget the divas who showed up with the "take care of me on your wedding day" attitude and chuck it down for being hurt their girl is not theirs anymore. Sometimes people act strange if they feel they are being left out, they need to assert their importance, etc. Had it too. Things are nice, here, don't forget, they might have felt jealous or compared to how life is here as opposed to there. Plus, if they think you ran off to have a better life here, than there, it might make them feel like there is wasn't good enough. What do we know...

You are lucky for having a set of folks near, who are helpful, who don't overload you with any guilt and who are supportive, as parents should be, in my opinion. The fact it is not your set of biological parents, that's life. Enjoy them and let them know how much you appreciate this.

Give your folks a break, stay in touch, formally, but I wouldn't necessarily go out of my way to comfort them, since your comfort on your big day didn't seem to be a priority to them when you needed. They will learn. Everyone does. And we chill. Things will be alright again.
I do so agree with what you say, but I feel sad for Stephanie and just wonder if maybe her parents were tired and overwhelmed.
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Old 26.05.2011, 13:43
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Re: in-laws issues

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I do so agree with what you say, but I feel sad for Stephanie and just wonder if maybe her parents were tired and overwhelmed.
It's true. Honestly, weddings are like births, exceptionally stressful and also nice, so do not count on any normality. Things get lot less acute later on, if you can just enjoy your new status and not let dark thoughts spoil it, you might feel different in a couple of weeks/months. Just focus on your new family. It's not like we love all the time with the same intensity, all our family.
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Old 26.05.2011, 13:54
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Re: in-laws issues

It depends on how strong your relationship with your family previously was.
Very normal to compare parents - especially you've just got new ones and they are lesser work than those you've been living with all your life.

But trust me, that will wear off and you will soon get to know the in-laws in much more detail as they are geographically nearer - whether you end up liking or hating them, no one knows! (for the record, I used to think my MIL was the easiest going lady ever when I first met her, till...er..nevermind. long story! sorry hubs, if you are reading this!)

The relationship between you and your parents might have also been strained this trip because of the wedding pressure and how hectic everything was. You had to juggle your child, your wedding, the nerves, and taking care of their needs! They were also out of their country and comfort zone. Really also isnt easy to let go of the fact that their little girl has gotten married. Give it a few months for the dust to settle and for everyone to adjust to the new changes - life will go back to normal.
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Old 26.05.2011, 17:20
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Re: in-laws issues

Thanks for the responses. Sorry about your inlaws Helm. Im so happy about mine but my husband already warned me about my MIL, i guess it could still change because we visited inlaws only three times so far(less than a week each). There´s still alot to know about them and i wont be so upset if it turns out my bioparents are not so bad after all compared to them.
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