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Old 20.06.2011, 12:37
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Can aggressive women change?

A person in one of my many circles of friends has struggled to get a boyfriend since she split with her ex about 3 years ago. I'm told by many (including members of her family) it is because she is really hyper, aggressive and argumentative, I actually like (get on well with) feisty people and being spoken for never really thought about it from a relationship perspective but in a way I think she is trapped in herself.

I suppose she is quite nice looking and I really like her (as a friend) and it is really hurting her to know she may get left on the shelf, on the rare occasion she has a go at me (for no reason) I laugh about this... but otherwise I feel sorry for her.

I was going to word the question: "men don't really like aggressive women do they?" but I thought I would be more optimistic with the title I chose in the end because I think they can and for her I hope she will, as she does try really hard to take control of this (apparantly) not very good aspect of her character.

She is not alone I know, many women are but she is reaching the point where she wants to have a family.
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Old 20.06.2011, 12:43
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Re: Can an aggresive woman change?

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A person in one of my many circles of friends has struggled to get a boyfriend since she split with her ex about 3 years ago. I'm told by many (including members of her family) it is because she is really hyper, aggressive and argumentative, I actually like (get on well with) feisty people and being spoken for never really thought about it.

I suppose she is quite fit (nice looking) and I really like her (as a friend) and it is really hurting her to know she may get left on the shelf, on the rare occasion she has a go at me (for no reason) I laugh about this... but otherwise I feel sorry for her.

I was going to word the question: "men don't really like aggressive women do they?" but I thought I would be more optimistic with the title I chose in the end because I think they can and for her I hope she will, as she does try really hard to take control of this (apparantly) not very good aspect of her character.

She is not alone I know, many women are but she is reaching the point where she wants to have a family.
I've seen plenty of women (even plenty on this forum), that seem overly aggressive, and mistake it as confidence. When in reality, it's just their insecurity which makes em to behave aggressive/hostile towards other people. In general, anybody can change, but it requires some intensive soul searching...
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Old 20.06.2011, 12:43
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Re: Can an aggresive woman change?

Probably. But only if she accepts that she can be/is aggressive, i.e. has a behaviour she wants to change.

My 5 raps: people generally don't like aggressive people - whatever gender.

That doesn't mean people don't like people who challenge them.

The two are sometimes interchangeable, but they are not the same.

You can challenge your partner in different ways, but that doesn't mean you need to be aggressive.

As with anger-management it is a learnt process that you have to work hard one, doubly so if you are an adult (vs. a child).

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I've seen plenty of women people (even plenty on this forum), that seem overly aggressive, and mistake it as confidence. When in reality, it's just their insecurity which makes em to behave aggressive/hostile towards other people. In general, anybody can change, but it requires some intensive soul searching...
I realise the topic of the thread is "women", but I still fixed that for you...
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Old 20.06.2011, 12:47
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Re: Can an aggresive woman change?

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I've seen plenty of women (even plenty on this forum), that seem overly aggressive, and mistake it as confidence. When in reality, it's just their insecurity which makes em to behave aggressive/hostile towards other people. In general, anybody can change, but it requires some intensive soul searching...
How do you know they are female?

There is one member that I have been convinced for months was a woman until I read one particular post which suddenly made it clear it was a chap...

(Not that they were aggressive at all, though... )
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Old 20.06.2011, 12:48
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Re: Can an aggresive woman change?

Is there possibly a medical reason for her behaviour? Could you suggest this to her?

Or do you think it is just a general frustration at life?

Aggression can be controlled, but personality cannot change.

Would she be satisfied with a man that could not accept her for how she is?
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Old 20.06.2011, 12:49
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Re: Can an aggresive woman change?

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Probably. But only if she accepts that she can be/is aggressive, i.e. has a behaviour she wants to change.

My 5 raps: people generally don't like aggressive people - whatever gender.

That doesn't mean people don't like people who challenge them.

The two are sometimes interchangeable, but they are not the same.

You can challenge your partner in different ways, but that doesn't mean you need to be aggressive.

As with anger-management it is a learnt process that you have to work hard one, doubly so if you are an adult (vs. a child).



I realise the topic of the thread is "women", but I still fixed that for you...
Her or in general (I was thinking) couldn't decide so asked mods which is more interesting
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Old 20.06.2011, 12:49
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Re: Can an aggresive woman change?

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How do you know they are female?

There is one user that I have been convinced for months was a woman until I read one particular post which suddenly made it clear it was a chap...

(Not that they were aggressive at all, though... )
Because they've openly stated, that they're female.
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Old 20.06.2011, 12:52
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Re: Can aggressive women change?

From my experience, I'd say that women can be ultra aggressive for about 10 days of the month, the rest of the time they're just normally aggressive, but still unable to park.....

Before you all groan, they do seem to be good at baking cakes and finding things in supermarkets.
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Old 20.06.2011, 12:54
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Re: Can an aggresive woman change?

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.....
Aggression can be controlled, but personality cannot change.
.......

proof needed
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Old 20.06.2011, 12:57
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Re: Can an aggresive woman change?

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proof needed
Would this help?

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Old 20.06.2011, 13:03
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Re: Can aggressive women change?

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From my experience, I'd say that women can be ultra aggressive for about 10 days of the month, the rest of the time they're just normally aggressive, but still unable to park.....

Before you all groan, they do seem to be good at baking cakes and finding things in supermarkets.
Im groaning you. I cant bake no matter what!
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Old 20.06.2011, 13:04
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Re: Can an aggresive woman change?

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proof needed
Personality is somewhat dependant on your brain structure.

Aggression can be directed and released as has been done here by the Information Manager of Telecom. (One needs to be somewhat aggressive to succeed in business.)

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Old 20.06.2011, 13:14
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Re: Can aggressive women change?

I think aggressive people need to learn that their behavior is not necessarily challenge others, but rather themselves. There is no point in putting stones in your own path. It takes lots of change-managing your personality and life style, but the first step must come from the person itself - others can only give advice or draw attention to this unbalanced fact that dominates the character.

As a first step it might help to understand why one feels the inner necessity to challenge everyone. Why is it not possible to calmly bring your point across?
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Old 20.06.2011, 13:16
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Re: Can an aggresive woman change?

In recognizing this is a problem, your friend is already more than half way to addressing the situation, so that is a definite plus in her favour.

I know someone in the UK, also very nice looking, whose excessive aggressiveness and overly argumentative nature really turned men off her in the past. In fact, she had a problem forming and maintaining female friendships too as a result.

She's in her early 40s now and realized some years back that she just had to change or, quite frankly, be left on the shelf with only herself to blame. Luckily for her she was able to turn things around and is in a steady relationship now and has a child.

The change started with her stepping back and taking a long hard look inside at herself and working really hard on those aspects of her character she knew were the barriers to her finding love, maintaining friends etc. This took real dedication, determination and resolve on her part over a long period of time and I doubt it was an easy process for her as she is also a very proud person. She did it, however, and so can your friend BUT only if she really wants to and is willing to continue putting in the hard work to make it happen...
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Old 20.06.2011, 13:17
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Re: Can an aggresive woman change?

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I've seen plenty of women (even plenty on this forum), that seem overly aggressive, and mistake it as confidence. When in reality, it's just their insecurity which makes em to behave aggressive/hostile towards other people. In general, anybody can change, but it requires some intensive soul searching...
In all fairness, I think this applies to (some) men as well.

I call it the "Joe Pesci syndrome."

I have a good friend who has a really condescending tone to her voice and often comes off as being extremely self-righteous. Needless to say, she has been single for the past 6 years and can't seem to figure out why. But what is so frustrating about it is that she is so quick to accuse men of being "pigs" when they're not interested in having a serious relationship with her, and yet she never seems to really "look in the mirror" (so to speak) and consider that maybe the source of the problem is actually her.

To the OP -- I think that your friend (and mine) could both use some honest advice from a friend. I think that's one of the most valuable things that friends can do for one another -- provide a new/alternative perspective, because I think it's impossible for us to view ourselves with even an ounce of objectivity.
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Old 20.06.2011, 13:22
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Re: Can aggressive women change?

Have we met?

The bit about insecurities is not necessarily so though. Some of us just have a bit too much testosterone and it tends to make us snarly. Kinda like men. Unless we are a bit estrogeny in which case we are a bit snarly.

hth

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A person in one of my many circles of friends has struggled to get a boyfriend since she split with her ex about 3 years ago. I'm told by many (including members of her family) it is because she is really hyper, aggressive and argumentative, I actually like (get on well with) feisty people and being spoken for never really thought about it from a relationship perspective but in a way I think she is trapped in herself.

I suppose she is quite nice looking and I really like her (as a friend) and it is really hurting her to know she may get left on the shelf, on the rare occasion she has a go at me (for no reason) I laugh about this... but otherwise I feel sorry for her.

I was going to word the question: "men don't really like aggressive women do they?" but I thought I would be more optimistic with the title I chose in the end because I think they can and for her I hope she will, as she does try really hard to take control of this (apparantly) not very good aspect of her character.

She is not alone I know, many women are but she is reaching the point where she wants to have a family.
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Old 20.06.2011, 13:27
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Re: Can aggressive women change?

What kind of aggression are we talking about here?

Aggression can be a serious psychological problem which can only (sometimes badly) managed with medication, though this is usually more common on men.

In exemple:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intermi...osive_disorder

I have a friend that suffers from this and this is not something easy to deal with.


Aggression might also be an accumulation of frustration and a call for help/attention. It might be a side effect from a deep set depression. Can and should be dealt with the help of a professional.


On the other hand, I have been accused of being extremely violent by my husband's family. Reason for it is cultural differences (Portuguese speak louder than Germans, even when not angry) and the fact I was raised with only male friends (making me use my fists a little bit more often than nice girls). When people get to know me, though, they pretty much notice my “aggressiveness” is actually just misunderstood cultural differences.

An adult aggressive behaviour is usually not easy to change without medication, but it all depends on the underlying cause. It might simply be PMS.

On the other hand, I find feisty women way more interesting than plain boring passive ones, though we usually frighten the crap out of men.
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Old 20.06.2011, 14:00
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Re: Can aggressive women change?

Sounds like your friend is a lively woman and I don't think there's anything wrong with it as long as she feels comfy with herself. You like her so there'll be other guys who'll like her that bit more.
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Old 20.06.2011, 14:04
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Re: Can aggressive women change?

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On the other hand, I have been accused of being extremely violent by my husband's family. Reason for it is cultural differences (Portuguese speak louder than Germans, even when not angry) and the fact I was raised with only male friends (making me use my fists a little bit more often than nice girls). When people get to know me, though, they pretty much notice my “aggressiveness” is actually just misunderstood cultural differences.

An adult aggressive behaviour is usually not easy to change without medication, but it all depends on the underlying cause. It might simply be PMS.

On the other hand, I find feisty women way more interesting than plain boring passive ones, though we usually frighten the crap out of men.
Sounds like there is a language imbalance, too. Physical violence isn't the same as aggression. You can be aggressive without physically lashing out.
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Old 20.06.2011, 14:24
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Re: Can aggressive women change?

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but still unable to park.....
I disagree.. I seen plenty of men cannot drive properly never mind parking! and I have seen woman change a car tire by side of road when a man just standing uselessly by..
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