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  #41  
Old 20.06.2011, 16:32
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

firstly, my MAIN issue is NOT making decisions TOGETHER.

secondly, he ONLY wants to talk if i am saying things to support. any type of critic he gets defensive. this is causing us to not communicate.

so i wanted some "random guy at the bar" advice.

this is not be all to end all...just another angle.

i am quite competent to know how to WEED out various comments.
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  #42  
Old 20.06.2011, 16:34
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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Seriously---I've heard it a million times, about how finances ruin a relationship. But I would never continue or enter a relationship that was affected by finances. That being said, it would be nice to have a partner who has at least the potential to have the same earning power as I do, but would never reject someone because of it. I spent almost a decade in a relationship where I essentially made nothing, and she was working good 44 hour weeks. Finances were never a big issue
in my last relationship, we had a good financial relationship. i had the important job of earning the money, and she had the important job of spending it.

which was quite good actually, as enjoyed I the earning part and she enjoyed the spending part. it's all about teamwork

Last edited by Phil_MCR; 20.06.2011 at 17:12.
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  #43  
Old 20.06.2011, 16:34
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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secondly, he ONLY wants to talk if i am saying things to support. any type of critic he gets defensive. this is causing us to not communicate.
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i am quite competent to know how to WEED out various comments.
I'm starting to notice a pattern between OP and OH... anyone else?
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  #44  
Old 20.06.2011, 16:35
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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AdrianLondon - I used the GBP 12k based on his salary only...because HE is making the decision on his own....so I felt it is right he sorts it out on his own.

we have been together almost 2 years btw.

good to have feedback.

i will let him do what he wants and let the balls fall where they may.

but i have to say...AGAIN--- i make the twice as much as he does...

Bingo.
Problem found.
I have to say, though, that IMO you can't survive in IT if you hate the job you're doing.
I feel privileged at times, because I love my job and it's paid handsomely.
And I do work in IT.
Of course, most of what I do is not really creating any "value" (unlike producing cheese - a job, I only have the highest respect for).
So, yes, from time to time I dabble with the idea of "what if...".
I did give up a previous (safe) IT-job for an "adventure" that quickly took a disastrous turn and almost bankrupted me.
But when my money had more or less run out, this job-offer from Switzerland came and the budget was in the balance again, rather quickly ;-)

But if you really hate your job and really want to quit it for something else - IMO you should gain some experience in that "something" else some time before you actually quit.
(Or have a new job lined up already that lets you gain the experience).
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  #45  
Old 20.06.2011, 16:39
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

Well...

Do you mind that he is going to school?
Or that he makes less?
Or that he communicates poorly about all this?
Are you questioning his level of maturity?
That you haven't really been asked?
Is it because you might want kids and feel excluded?
Are you scared his studies might make him distant? Will you be able to relate to him?

I wonder if the real issue here is not cash, since it seems you equal it to power, but lack of communication. You can't buy somebody's envolvement and inclusion.

Maybe this is the way he wants to get equal to you, especially if you rub in that you make more. He is a man, after all.

If he is not communicating, maybe you should find a professional who will train you in communication, should you need it, or him, or try to explain to you or him what is going on..

Just a thought. Good luck whatever you figure out.

Changes are sometimes hard to accept, and not only for those who act them, but also for the people around.
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  #46  
Old 20.06.2011, 16:45
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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i am quite competent to know how to WEED out various comments.
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I'm starting to notice a pattern between OP and OH... anyone else?
Kinda- "I want to further my education and do something different with my professional life" PLUCK, pesky weeds.

We are being drip fed vague info at best- we still don't know what the relationship is (first post is missing a word ). From the OP's depiction the guy's a childish self centered loony. Going just on that, then she's right to be wary of his new endeavor, and honestly at the 2 year point has gone far enough to cut losses and find a good man. But what do we know?!
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  #47  
Old 20.06.2011, 16:53
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

32 is a bit early for mid-life crisis.
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  #48  
Old 20.06.2011, 16:54
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

and...what will you try out....in....your....next.....relationship?
do you know already?

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in my last relationship, we had a good financial relationship. i had the important job of earning the money, and she had the important job of spending it.

which was quite good actually, as enjoyed the earning part and she enjoyed the spending part. it's all about teamwork
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  #49  
Old 20.06.2011, 17:11
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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but i have to say...AGAIN--- i make the twice as much as he does...and if i did that...he would not accept it.

and he earns €1500 /month NET....so that is not a lot after paying expenses.
i don't get it. are you in a personal relationship or some sort of financial partnership?

to me, it's normal that you support each other.
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  #50  
Old 20.06.2011, 17:13
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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and...what will you try out....in....your....next.....relationship?
do you know already?
i was hoping it would be a case of us both earning money, then quitting our jobs and spending the rest of our time making babies
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  #51  
Old 20.06.2011, 17:13
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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i don't get it. are you in a personal relationship or some sort of financial partnership?

to me, it's normal that you support each other.
I thought you knew..... (NSFW)

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  #52  
Old 20.06.2011, 17:22
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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so i wanted some "random guy at the bar" advice.
I would go and get EXACTLY that.
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  #53  
Old 20.06.2011, 17:23
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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I would go and get EXACTLY that.
just that??' nothing more???
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  #54  
Old 20.06.2011, 17:25
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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just that??' nothing more???
well, get totally drunk so you won't remember what has been said.
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  #55  
Old 20.06.2011, 17:29
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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well, get totally drunk so you won't remember what has been said.
Yeah, just don't eat the peanuts!

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  #56  
Old 20.06.2011, 17:30
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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My is having one. Last week he said he will QUIT his job...take out a loan to study for a masters (in a course which will not provide him a better job -maybe set him back due to lack of experience of knowledge of the sector since he didnt really research what it would be like to do a job in Sustainable Business coming from an IT background).

This means being poor...living as a student in a different country alone for a year. Coming back to his home country with no money...no job...and a huge loan to pay back.

I tell him it is a risk that he will have to suffer the conseqences for for years! He will not listen. He feels if he doesnt do something NOW he will lose his chance in life.

I mean...that last statement I cant imagine him really believing...but he does which shows his desperation and anxiousness for change.

Any advice?

I did exactly the same thing at 32yo.

....... I ended up here in Switzerland.




but for the record, my first mistake was to follow money. The second mistake was to follow my passion.

Finally, I looked at the skill set I did poses and worked out where it was best positioned in the future.

Starting from scratch, is exactly that. High risk

Following a passion, usually results in a limited and challenging income (there are success stories, but many fail).

taking the time to think about what you are good at and what you've learnt and working out how best to reposition yourself with future opportunites takes it's time..... but well worth the wait.


that's my two cents.
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  #57  
Old 20.06.2011, 17:33
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

i am not scared.

he is the sweetest guy i know....i feel he will/would be loyal to me till the end (and I have never even felt such a way about anyone).

i care a NOT a JOT about money....and when we started dating...he said the same.

however, over the last months...increasingly he makes comments like, " i wish i could buy a house...but that wont happen". i say...dont worry...we buy one together but he still feels it is MINE. i say it is OURS...but he is not convinced.

then he compares himself to others. i tell him...you shouldnt....but he does and i think he reacts to that stimulus.

i dont mind him studying...i dont mind him making less...not at all....but there are fundamental relationship things.

and plus....he wants to feel financially stable before getting married....eherm....this doesnt look like the road towards stability...which is the same road that leads to ......M...

i am a traditional catholic girl at heart...he knows that...and it is important to me for US to think like US at the very least.
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  #58  
Old 20.06.2011, 17:38
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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he is the sweetest guy i know....i feel he will/would be loyal to me till the end (and I have never even felt such a way about anyone).

ihowever, over the last months...increasingly he makes comments like, " i wish i could buy a house...but that wont happen". i say...dont worry...we buy one together but he still feels it is MINE. i say it is OURS...but he is not convinced.

and plus....he wants to feel financially stable before getting married....eherm....this doesnt look like the road towards stability...which is the same road that leads to ......M...
.
He sounds like a very nice man. A good investment for a happy future. Someday, you may want to have children and then suddenly you'll find it's hard to continue working like you had before children. Your boyfriend's logical thoughts may grant you a more peaceful and joyous life in the future.
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  #59  
Old 20.06.2011, 17:38
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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i am not scared.

he is the sweetest guy i know....i feel he will/would be loyal to me till the end (and I have never even felt such a way about anyone).

i care a NOT a JOT about money....and when we started dating...he said the same.

however, over the last months...increasingly he makes comments like, " i wish i could buy a house...but that wont happen". i say...dont worry...we buy one together but he still feels it is MINE. i say it is OURS...but he is not convinced.

then he compares himself to others. i tell him...you shouldnt....but he does and i think he reacts to that stimulus.

i dont mind him studying...i dont mind him making less...not at all....but there are fundamental relationship things.

and plus....he wants to feel financially stable before getting married....eherm....this doesnt look like the road towards stability...which is the same road that leads to ......M...

i am a traditional catholic girl at heart...he knows that...and it is important to me for US to think like US at the very least.
well, i think this is part of the problem. many people are traditional in thinking that the man should be the breadwinner in the relationship and it will just not work if it is not the case.

to me, it sounds like this is causing the stress in the relationship and you're not really happy to be funding him on his little gamble. also when a girl says "sweet guy" it sounds a lot like "loser" to my ears...
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Old 20.06.2011, 17:42
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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i am not scared.

he is the sweetest guy i know....i feel he will/would be loyal to me till the end (and I have never even felt such a way about anyone).

i care a NOT a JOT about money....and when we started dating...he said the same.

however, over the last months...increasingly he makes comments like, " i wish i could buy a house...but that wont happen". i say...dont worry...we buy one together but he still feels it is MINE. i say it is OURS...but he is not convinced.

then he compares himself to others. i tell him...you shouldnt....but he does and i think he reacts to that stimulus.

i dont mind him studying...i dont mind him making less...not at all....but there are fundamental relationship things.

and plus....he wants to feel financially stable before getting married....eherm....this doesnt look like the road towards stability...which is the same road that leads to ......M...

i am a traditional catholic girl at heart...he knows that...and it is important to me for US to think like US at the very least.
That's a nice insight, thanks for this honesty.

It's hard to tell what is going on...Trust your guts. If you are panicky because you fear he is not that into you, then give him and you a break. Guts will always lead you the right direction. Some guys cannot get over their nice and sweet catholic girls being more successful.

I also thought why all this pain when you are only dating. Ie testing eachother. It's normal. When you feel like things are going the wrong way, be open about it. Then see how he reacts. But you cannot really feel and tell him, I fear I am not important to you because you want to go to school. You will agree it sounds rather...weird. You can say I hurt because I fear I am not included. That his goals might not want to be for you as a couple, but himself without you being included. It's normal to feel this way if communication is broken. You might inspire him and he might reveal he does not feel supported, he feels inadequate. You will just have to talk to find out. I would hang out with other couples, being around people who are in happy relationship sometimes stimulates positive and constructive communication.

And count on the fact, that he might not want his catholic girl anymore. There is plenty of phish and all that..
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