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  #61  
Old 20.06.2011, 16:44
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

If I understand you correctly, he wants to go study again in order to try to make more money later. But you are afraid he will just loose a year and be professionally punished later.

It is a tough spot. If he is dangling so much on money, it will be extremely difficult to deal with him in the long term unless he radically changes and stops craving.

If he goes to study again, it might turn out well or worse. It's a risk. But if he stays, it might be that he will resent you forever for not supporting him (whether rightly so or not).

I think the most important thing is for him to stop this craving. If you live your life with a "I want this" "I wish I had that" he will be forever miserable.

May I advise you some books from the Dalai Lama? They helped me a lot when I was in a financial crisis after I finished school. I was so overwhelmed by all I "needed" I got panic attacks.

http://www.amazon.com/Art-Happiness-.../dp/1573221112

Good luck!


P.S.: Not saying you guys should convert to Buddism, mind you... I'm a catholic too, and I know how much pressure is made on men to be the home earners...
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  #62  
Old 20.06.2011, 16:55
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

also, i would say that 1 year and 12k is not really so much for a chance. at least he wont spend the rest of his life thinking 'what if' and resenting you for it.
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  #63  
Old 20.06.2011, 16:58
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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also, i would say that 1 year and 12k is not really so much for a chance. at least he wont spend the rest of his life thinking 'what if' and resenting you for it.
Fully agree. 12k is not even a basic graduate wage in the UK, so what's the downside, exactly?
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  #64  
Old 20.06.2011, 17:01
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

After years being injured by an accident, then a mum and supporter of my husband in his career- I decided it was time for me to go back to studying. It took an awful lot of hard work, adjustment and patience- but my OH supported me all the way. Difficult to say, but perhaps our relationship (41 years now) might not have survived had he not. (remember Educating Rita).

Last edited by Odile; 20.06.2011 at 17:26.
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  #65  
Old 20.06.2011, 17:16
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

well i do agree i dont want him to RESENT me.

and i do want him to study - my point was something he really researched that he would like. he is doubtful about the studying and only doing it because in his mind he says, "it is his last chance".

why not next year? what makes it so desperate for him now.

anyway...it is HIS decision.

i am a woman and we tend to think a little further in the future in terms of planning.

i just wonder if we had kids...if he would continue to be this impulsive.

at the end of the day.....i have to see if it is worth it.

and our relationship isnt just one of DATING. we were a couple with intentions of marriage....

it this was just dating...i couldnt give a hoot!!! to the LEFT!!!
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  #66  
Old 20.06.2011, 17:24
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

My ex didn't want me to take off to CH and leave a good paying job. She wanted to settle down and have kids for quite a few years already.

I would have definitely resented her if I didn't leave, and would be wondering "what if" for the rest of my life.

Things turned out differently, after 2 months here she got kicked to the curb, and found someone better is getting married. I came over here to persue this pipedream, and found EF, so it was a win win for everyone!
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  #67  
Old 20.06.2011, 17:43
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

Oh well...
You are looking for "a random man at the bar advice".
(which seems to count better than your partner's decision...).

You keep doing bad communication (ISNT IT? SHOWING WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE THAT? MAYBE WE ignore YOU?). But we forgive you- Can you do the same for your partner?

Random observations:
It appears what's actually bothering you is that you have not been listened or that what YOU are saying to him is ignore. Maybe he has not consulted you and that's what is bothering you after all. And maybe that's why YOU INSIST on highlighting what YOU THINK.

About his choices:
it's CLEAR that his decision is stupid for you. Not rational, etc, etc...
Mind you it's not like gambling all the money or investing in tupperwares!

I would share your views on the master efficiency, but it's a "door opening", a social recognition that can open him some doors!

The point is you are suppose to support him not to *backstab him*. If you are so convince that it is not a good idea then share decent arguments, prove your point. (which you will find hard to do!)

Also he needs your support now, making a difficult decision.
You prefer the guy who's running into the wall or the one trying to correct his direction?

Also, money matters so much to you? You said you earn more-
Maybe that's another underlying issue!!! he does not live well with that and has to compensate. But it seems obvious to me that money matters for you (you are scared of having little money)- and he is taking a decision to earn more (ie to comply with your feelings) and yet you are not happy??? (Ok MAYBE earn more if is action succeed).


Moreover you said *impulsive*: doing a master is long and tedious- far from being "impulsive". I think the guy should know, having done a BSC-



In addition, what about his current situation? Obviously he has enough of IT/Computers! He is adult enough to realize it. Maybe that something else to explore!
Would you rather he get stuck with that for ever?


Etc, etc...

But to be honest it seems you have more issues that he has, based on your comments!

I hope you have enough self observation to realize that for the best of your relationship!!
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  #68  
Old 20.06.2011, 17:58
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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P.S.: Not saying you guys should convert to Buddism, mind you... I'm a catholic too, and I know how much pressure is made on men to be the home earners...
funny...his has 2 sisters who are Buddhists...though they were brought up Catholic...which we both are.

well...i do have issues...in no way am I saying I am perfect.

i like structure, order, organisation, forethought, ...i am quite methodical in that way. in my life what i have achieved has been strategic ever since i can remember.

WE are different like that...and i liked that about him. he liked that about me. i can learn to be less strict...and he likes to learn how to try to be more disciplined.

we know our issues...and long time ago said we would work through them.


anyway...I DONT CARE ABOUT MONEY....but i have worked hard for what i have....and take care to watch how i spend it BECAUSE i worked hard.

my mantra..."easy come...easy go...easily acquired...easily neglected/lost".
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  #69  
Old 20.06.2011, 18:09
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

sounds like you are just scared of change and risk-taking. in general, women are more risk-averse than men.
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  #70  
Old 20.06.2011, 18:37
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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If he is not communicating, maybe you should find a professional who will train you in communication, should you need it, or him, or try to explain to you or him what is going on..
.
....I OFFERED to pay for him to go to a Career Coach or Counselor. He didnt accept it. He says he doesnt want to hear what they have to say either.
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  #71  
Old 20.06.2011, 18:38
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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sounds like you are just scared of change and risk-taking. in general, women are more risk-averse than men.

duh! me is Femail...hehehehe. of course i am risk averse.

HOWEVER, i have been self employed for almost 10 years in that time have amassed a nice small portfolio .....

so i do take RISKS....just a bit more calculated...and thought through
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  #72  
Old 20.06.2011, 18:52
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

ok. so if he does it, and all goes well, everyone is happy.

if he does it an fails. you lose a bit of money but can nag him forever.

it's win-win for you!
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  #73  
Old 20.06.2011, 20:55
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

After reading your posts, I don't think you two are destined to be together. You really shouldn't be posting these intimate details about your significant other to an anonymous forum, the whole world can read this, for crying out loud. Just think how he would feel if he stumbled upon this thread.
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  #74  
Old 20.06.2011, 21:09
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

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After reading your posts, I don't think you two are destined to be together. You really shouldn't be posting these intimate details about your significant other to an anonymous forum, the whole world can read this, for crying out loud. Just think how he would feel if he stumbled upon this thread.


Yes, indeed. The term being entitled to ones' dignity springs to mind...
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  #75  
Old 20.06.2011, 21:34
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Re: Mid Life Crisis at 32- Quits Job

Dear OP, you fell in love with him for certain qualities, it would be such a shame to fall out of love with him for exactly the same factors that attracted you to him in the first place.

If you try to change him, he just might, but then he wouldn't be the person you wanted and he would feel uncomfortable with this change that is not really his (just done to please his loved one).

Now, I don't really believe that this issue is about his studies. It seems to me that it's more about your different expectations of each other.

Simply take a step back, take a deeeeep breath, turn off EF and your PC and sit down for a heart-to-heart talk.
He needs to know your worries (not us) and you must be ready to hear what he is feeling.

This good-catholic-girl-let's-get-married-and-have-kiddies could be really daunting. A man likes to feel that he can provide for his family, which is perhaps why he'd like to further his education. He also needs to feel that he's in control of his own life (this can be difficult if you're financially depending on somebody else for permission to complete your dreams).

Don't let all of your effort, hard work and energy get in the way of your relationship. Put it all aside, because even if you may be right on a lot of points.... what would that bring you if you can't find an understanding with the person you love ?
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