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Old 19.07.2011, 00:18
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Bygones

Someone started a thread on grudges and bad family relations last year, I think. Maybe it was Nil or Music Chick. I'm sorry I couldn't find it.

My grandmother died this morning. She was 99 years old. My Mum rang to tell me - also that she wouldn't be going to the funeral as relations were really bad between the two of them. My Mum was not a wanted child and made all of her life to feel so.
So in a way I understand her.
But we grandkids were also made to feel it wasn't right to visit Grandma - as kids we were punished if we went around - and thus my daughter (her great granddaughter) barely knew her.
Life is so short and although it's a cliché, shouldn't we let bygones be bygones?
One day it is all over and done with for all of us.
Shouldn't we love the people we want to love and tolerate those who deserve our understanding - no matter what they do? When I look back at my grandmother's life, she didn't have an easy time either and often lashed out at others to redress the balance. So now no one will go to her funeral - except me - I would like to go. She never really did me any wrong.( My family will frown upon this though. )

In the last two years of my life, I have met so many caring, helpful, selfless people who have helped me in my situation and I have hopefully learned from them that the meaning of life and love extends far beyond the boundaries of petty family disputes.

The death of someone so young and full of life as Begga has also brought this home to me.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, but I feel so sad.
We really should try to make the best out of this imperfect life.
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Old 19.07.2011, 00:41
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Re: Bygones

Leni, I am so really sorry for the moment you are going trough and aplausse that you are going to her funeral. Nobody should tell you how to feel and i do believe that your grandma will be really happy to see you there. I will pray for her rest to.
God bless you Leni and may she rest in peace.
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Old 19.07.2011, 00:48
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Re: Bygones

Do what your heart says, too often we let our head and politics decide. My mum also didn't want me to hang out with my paternal grandmother much because she had stabbed her in the back during the divorce - a sentiment I understand, but still, I couldn't help what had happened. Thankfully, things got sorted out, unthinkable if I was in your situation. I wish you strength.
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Old 19.07.2011, 07:04
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Re: Bygones

Perhaps it would be best not to paint yourself with the color of other people's feelings ?
..and simply set aside the worries regarding who will attend, who won't etc.
They shouldn't influence your decision any more than you should influence theirs, for neither will ever really know how the other feels or the experiences lived.
It is as it is.
You don't owe an excuse or an explanation for your loving feelings for your grandmother.
My condolences for your loss.
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Old 19.07.2011, 07:48
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Re: Bygones

Leni, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think you should do what your heart tells you is right for you and let the others worry for themselves. If you feel it is right for you to go to your grandmother's funeral, go.
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Old 19.07.2011, 09:15
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Re: Bygones

The funeral is also a time to meet distant relations and friends of the departed. Carers and neighbours may appreciate a family representative. This may be the last chance to speak with those people.

Last edited by Uncle Max; 19.07.2011 at 16:30. Reason: typo
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Old 19.07.2011, 09:20
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Re: Bygones

Leni, I'm very sorry for your loss.You are your own person and it's up to you to use your own best judgement on whether to go to a funeral or not. If people are offended by it then that's them using their best judgement and so it's up to them. Good luck.
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Old 19.07.2011, 11:17
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Re: Bygones

Are you referring to this one Leni?

Toxic relationship between kids and parents

I am so sorry to hear of your grandmother. I just lost mine back in May. She was 94. She was the one whom I spent the first 5-6 years of my life whilst my parents were out at work. I didnt even go home on certain weekends - by choice.

The relationship between her and my mum was stormy at best. They never saw eye to eye. I was always on the receiving end of my mum slagging her off. Great example for your kids eh! So I can somewhat empathise with how you are feeling.

All I can say, is to echo what the others have said on this thread: follow your heart and do what you think is right by yourself. If there is anything that I've learnt recently is that life is too short for "what-ifs" and the "shouldve, wouldve, couldve". Its too damn short for any bad feelings especially between family members. You cant do anything about what your mum feels towards her own mum - she has to sort it out for herself. She cant stop you from going to the funeral either. Yes, she might not be happy but are you really going to miss saying the last goodbye to your grandmother, just because of disputes that you werent involved in?

You can do what is right by yourself and go to bed at the end of the day telling yourself that you've done what your grandmother would have been proud of.
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Old 19.07.2011, 11:42
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Re: Bygones

Sorry about your loss Leni. I think you should go with your gut feeling, going to funerals has always helped me, especially as no one here knew the person who died.

Let your mum deal with her own problems and the consequences, do whats right for you and your daughter.
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Old 19.07.2011, 11:57
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Re: Bygones

Sorry for your loss Leni, I do applaud your courage, for making the decision to go to your Grandma's funeral.

Now would be a great opportunity for everyone to get together, and put the past in the past,(even though you never forget) since death is so final.

Much strength.
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Old 19.07.2011, 16:26
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Re: Bygones

Thank you for all your supportive comments.

Normally, I would follow my own feelings, it's true, but my Mum is very important to me. She is a good person and she is ill herself, so I am worried that it would cause her inner turmoil if I went to the funeral.
I have just phoned and asked for the funeral date, but she doesn't (want to) know!!
I think my call has made things worse. I offered to take her but she refused.
Anyway, without going on too much about my personal issues here, I would just urge people to heal their rifts and keep up family contacts before it really is too late.
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Old 19.07.2011, 19:49
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Re: Bygones

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Thank you for all your supportive comments.

Normally, I would follow my own feelings, it's true, but my Mum is very important to me. She is a good person and she is ill herself, so I am worried that it would cause her inner turmoil if I went to the funeral.
I have just phoned and asked for the funeral date, but she doesn't (want to) know!!
I think my call has made things worse. I offered to take her but she refused.
Anyway, without going on too much about my personal issues here, I would just urge people to heal their rifts and keep up family contacts before it really is too late.
Cant you go and not tell her anything?
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Old 19.07.2011, 20:11
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Re: Bygones

There is another Nil's thread My mom: the nagging queen, too, if it can bring any info...

Sorry for you loss, Leni. I wouldn't run my life based on other people's neurosis, being there and for your granny might actually bring some resolution for you. It's your emotional wellbeing, not your moms. Goold luck, whatever you decide..
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Old 19.07.2011, 20:26
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Re: Bygones

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Cant you go and not tell her anything?
It's taking place in my home town in the UK, so I would be staying at Mum's.
Also, I really understand the hurt my Grandmother caused my Mum all her life, so I feel like a traitor even asking to go.
Not one person from our side of the family is going.
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Old 19.07.2011, 20:56
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Re: Bygones

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It's taking place in my home town in the UK, so I would be staying at Mum's.
Also, I really understand the hurt my Grandmother caused my Mum all her life, so I feel like a traitor even asking to go.
Not one person from our side of the family is going.
I understand. On the other hand since its important to you, maybe just pop in for a few minutes? Tell your mom you are going for a walk or something. Ok she may suspect where you will be but you wont actually tell her..
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Old 19.07.2011, 21:17
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Re: Bygones

That really is a tough one. I'm sorry to hear that.
I wish you strength to support and help your mom with all of her memories and thoughts and her feelings.
Perhaps she will really need you to be strong for her.
Kind regards,
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Old 19.07.2011, 21:29
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Re: Bygones

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It's taking place in my home town in the UK, so I would be staying at Mum's.
Also, I really understand the hurt my Grandmother caused my Mum all her life, so I feel like a traitor even asking to go.
Not one person from our side of the family is going.
This is a tough one. First of all, sorry for your loss. It is never pleasant to have to deal with the death of someone and being in a situation where you know you'll hurt someone else, it is even more complicated, sad and frustrating in the same time.

I fully understand what you are going through. What is sad is your mom putting her relationship with her mother on you and force you to take a side until the very end. Even if she doesn't tell you to not go, you know deep down what she wants and she will be hurt and angry about it.

I thing you have to take the decision by putting both of them on a scale. Will you be able to live your life without regrets of not going to the funeral or will you be able to stand in front of your mom without feeling guilty.

I understand what other people say, and I think they are right. But if this woman as been very mean to your mom, to the family, if she made them miserable, don't you think your mother deserve some support and loyalty?

It is a tough decision and I believe the outcome will have repercussion you need to think of. Sometimes it is not just a question to live you life and let others dealing with their problems.

What do you think?
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Old 19.07.2011, 21:31
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Re: Bygones

I am so sorry to hear your news and understand your feelings of not upsetting your Mum.
However, she was your Grandmother and maybe in the years to come you might regret the fact that you were not there.
Yes, she was your Mum's mum but also she was your grandmother. If you maybe explain that it is something that you have to do might she just accept that?

Not an easy time for you -Take care
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Old 19.07.2011, 21:32
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Re: Bygones

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It's taking place in my home town in the UK, so I would be staying at Mum's.
Also, I really understand the hurt my Grandmother caused my Mum all her life, so I feel like a traitor even asking to go.
Not one person from our side of the family is going.
It is a tough one. If somebody seriously hurt either of my folks, I think I wouldn't want to ever see them. Not even dead. It's a tough one when to pursue your own bond to people, the fact it is granny is kinda irrelevant (just makes it heavier) and when to actually feel immoral to pay a tribute to somebody who has made some damage to somebody you love (if this damage is a serious one, and not just caused by two different parties seeing things differently)...If nobody of your side shows up, that pretty much gives a message and it means to be that way. The fact you do show up, could be interpreted so many ways, not just you wanting to make peace, or represent..I don't know. Mom wouldn't want me to be influenced by her private issues, on the other hand wouldn't probably spare me explanations, so I can make informed choices. Should you have enough hard data, that menace happened, then act upon it. Should you consider the data irrelevant, and see the moment differently, through your own eyes and not through your mom's experience, then go, but then don't be split by a moral dilemma. Either, or. Nothing in between.
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Old 19.07.2011, 21:36
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Re: Bygones

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It is a tough one. If somebody seriously hurt either of my folks, I think I wouldn't want to ever see them. Not even dead. It's a tough one when to pursue your own bond to people, the fact it is granny is kinda irrelevant (just makes it heavier) and when to actually feel immoral to pay a tribute to somebody who has made some damage to somebody you love (if this damage is a serious one, and not just caused by two different parties seeing things differently)...If nobody of your side shows up, that pretty much gives a message and it means to be that way. The fact you do show up, could be interpreted so many ways, not just you wanting to make peace, or represent..I don't know. Mom wouldn't want me to be influenced by her private issues, on the other hand wouldn't probably spare me explanations, so I can make informed choices. Should you have enough hard data, that menace happened, then act upon it. Should you consider the data irrelevant, and see the moment differently, through your own eyes and not through your mom's experience, then go, but then don't be split by a moral dilemma. Either, or. Nothing in between.
This is what I was trying to say but in so much better words! Thanks MC
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