Go Back   English Forum Switzerland > Off-Topic > Off-Topic > General off-topic  
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:06
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: USA, former Zurich
Posts: 2,041
Groaned at 14 Times in 14 Posts
Thanked 4,811 Times in 1,660 Posts
BokerTov has a reputation beyond reputeBokerTov has a reputation beyond reputeBokerTov has a reputation beyond reputeBokerTov has a reputation beyond reputeBokerTov has a reputation beyond reputeBokerTov has a reputation beyond repute
Opposites attract…or not?

Lately I have been meditating quite a bit on the topic, as a consequence of some discussions - more or less heated – as well as some opinion exchanges with friends.

Then yesterday evening, as I was hand-rolling tens of gnocchi and watching “It Happened One Night”, a great movie which talks about two completely different people stumbling upon each other by random chance and falling in love, I asked myself: can it really work, in real life?

I have been “polling” people, and got interesting replies: there is the party of “love conquers all” and there is the party of “the differences between you will kill you and it will never last”. Someone said that one needs to look in the eyes and in the heart, and, if one likes what he/she sees, he/she should not let differences get in the way. Someone else said that what matters is sharing a common vision and goals. It all sounds good, but very “theoretical” to me, and, funny enough, coming from people who are married/together with “similar” people – same religion, same political views, same language, same age bracket, etc.

I know it is like the “million dollar question” and it really depends on the individuals involved, but I would be interested and would very much appreciate reading if any EF-er has a personal success or failure story to share.

Can opposites (religion, political views, life story, background, age, etc. or a combination of any/all of the above) stay together without killing each other or driving each other crazy?

Obviously the topic is of great relevance to...ehm...a "friend of mine". Cheers!

Last edited by BokerTov; 19.09.2011 at 18:19.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:20
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

+ =

'nuff said.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:24
Caviarchips's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Basel Stadt
Posts: 3,979
Groaned at 99 Times in 77 Posts
Thanked 6,677 Times in 2,388 Posts
Caviarchips has a reputation beyond reputeCaviarchips has a reputation beyond reputeCaviarchips has a reputation beyond reputeCaviarchips has a reputation beyond reputeCaviarchips has a reputation beyond reputeCaviarchips has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

Quote:

'nuff said.

Quite enough thanks.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:24
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

Definitely - chalk and cheese works
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:25
Natasha's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: St Anton am Arlberg, Austria
Posts: 2,732
Groaned at 61 Times in 57 Posts
Thanked 3,248 Times in 1,167 Posts
Natasha has a reputation beyond reputeNatasha has a reputation beyond reputeNatasha has a reputation beyond reputeNatasha has a reputation beyond reputeNatasha has a reputation beyond reputeNatasha has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

@ DB

Really? You call that opposites?

Interesting, as both avatars really embrace the ghey .
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:26
Phil_MCR's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Basel
Posts: 14,939
Groaned at 294 Times in 198 Posts
Thanked 18,988 Times in 7,986 Posts
Phil_MCR has a reputation beyond reputePhil_MCR has a reputation beyond reputePhil_MCR has a reputation beyond reputePhil_MCR has a reputation beyond reputePhil_MCR has a reputation beyond reputePhil_MCR has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

as a professional relationship therapist, i can inform you that, contrary to popular belief, many studies have shown that similarity is a key component in a successful long term relationship and this has been shown in many studies. more important is that the parties believe they are similar:

http://spr.sagepub.com/content/10/1/5.abstract

Quote:
Perceptions of self and spouse play a central role in marital relationships. Using data from 219 newlywed couples, we examined the relative importance (to marital well-being) of partners' similarity and understanding of conflict styles. These data include reports of behaviors of the self and spouse during their most recent disagreement. Behaviors were categorized as either constructive or destructive to resolving the conflict, and data from each category were analyzed separately. Measures of perceptions of similarity based on one spouse's report, actual similarity between spouses' separate reports and spouses' accuracy in reporting (or `understanding' of) each other's behaviors were derived from these reports. Consistent with earlier studies, perceived similarity was shown to be higher than actual similarity and was a stronger positive predictor of marital well-being. This finding highlights the importance of partners believing that they are similar. The strongest predictor of marital well-being for wives was wives' understanding of their husbands. For husbands, both spouses' self-reports of their own behaviors were the strongest predictors. These gender differences are discussed with regard to differences in orientation toward and power in relationships.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:29
grumpygit's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: geneva
Posts: 1,476
Groaned at 29 Times in 16 Posts
Thanked 1,508 Times in 695 Posts
grumpygit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygit has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

I say that whilst you can have some opposites, there are definitely some commons that are essential. A common mother tongue for me is very important. Im sure others will disagree but thats my view. You need to understand each other perfectly when challenges come along.
A common view on such things as lifestyle (smoking drinking eating) are also important.
Love will overcome lots of things but over time there are some common points that form your roof beams!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:31
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

A more serious answer might be: none of us is a caricature.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:35
Kristanez's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Home and native land
Posts: 600
Groaned at 4 Times in 4 Posts
Thanked 589 Times in 252 Posts
Kristanez has a reputation beyond reputeKristanez has a reputation beyond reputeKristanez has a reputation beyond reputeKristanez has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

I don't think I even know what I believe about this, but I guess I can share some of my beliefs about love.

I think love is something we choose, and in a long-term committed relationship, it needs to be chosen day after day, moment after moment. In this way, love is a verb, and is shown in our actions.

I think that love can be easier to give when you see eye to eye, on matters that related to our values, and are important. Some that come to mind are: sex, money, children, housework and religion. In this regard, there are many people we could love and live with for the rest of our lives, but some would be easier than others. But is easiness the most important factor?

Another idea that has helped me quite a bit is that of love languages, how we give and feel loved in return. The idea is there are five (1) physical affection, (2) words of affirmation, (3)giving gifts, (4) quality time, and (5)acts of service. I think problems can arise when two partners have different love languages and have never discussed it. Both give love, while both feel unloved, and conflict and resentment builds up, when in a way, they are speaking different languages. I think it is more important to at least understand and respond to each other's love language than to necessarily have the same beliefs.

I think that differences become deal-breakers, when people cannot respect the other person's beliefs / actions.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:36
Sagitta's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Winterthur
Posts: 706
Groaned at 3 Times in 2 Posts
Thanked 1,174 Times in 489 Posts
Sagitta has a reputation beyond reputeSagitta has a reputation beyond reputeSagitta has a reputation beyond reputeSagitta has a reputation beyond reputeSagitta has a reputation beyond reputeSagitta has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

I also believe that there must be some mutual recognition of similarity for a relationship to be a happy one.
For me this recognition should go beyond all the superficial and accidental traits such as race, nationality, religion or political views. I’ve felt affinity with people from totally different backgrounds than mine and I’ve often felt a stranger in my own land.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:37
NotAllThere's Avatar
Modulo 2
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Baselland
Posts: 15,020
Groaned at 308 Times in 263 Posts
Thanked 23,155 Times in 9,401 Posts
NotAllThere has a reputation beyond reputeNotAllThere has a reputation beyond reputeNotAllThere has a reputation beyond reputeNotAllThere has a reputation beyond reputeNotAllThere has a reputation beyond reputeNotAllThere has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

My wife and I are very different in many ways - we were born into entirely different cultures 6000 miles apart. I think it makes for a more interesting relationship.

Of course, the biggest difference between us is that she's female and I'm male. Often everything else pales into insignificance over that! (Girls are just... weird).

Viva la difference.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:37
Peg A's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Basel
Posts: 4,422
Groaned at 158 Times in 125 Posts
Thanked 5,428 Times in 2,510 Posts
Peg A has a reputation beyond reputePeg A has a reputation beyond reputePeg A has a reputation beyond reputePeg A has a reputation beyond reputePeg A has a reputation beyond reputePeg A has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

Sure I'll go with "opposites attract" but just like in any other relationship, it's work that actually makes it last.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:39
Pancakes's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Zurich-ish
Posts: 5,168
Groaned at 290 Times in 207 Posts
Thanked 10,927 Times in 4,110 Posts
Pancakes has a reputation beyond reputePancakes has a reputation beyond reputePancakes has a reputation beyond reputePancakes has a reputation beyond reputePancakes has a reputation beyond reputePancakes has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

I was watching a lecture recently that was given by a psychologist from Harvard, and he mentioned the fact that there is some kind of "phenomenon" (which psych's don't quite yet understand) where, when two people are together for a while, they become more and more similar. So maybe, even if opposites do attract, they seem to lose their polarity with time.

Anyways, I guess I can only speak for myself, but I do know that I am NOT attracted to someone who holds different political or religious views from myself. In fact, a few years ago, I was at a party and this guy was following me around. At first, I thought "Okay, you're cute." But then as soon as soon as he opened his mouth and his Republican sentiments starting pouring forth, I was immediately turned off.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:39
miniMia's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: romandie
Posts: 9,971
Groaned at 101 Times in 92 Posts
Thanked 9,106 Times in 4,522 Posts
miniMia has a reputation beyond reputeminiMia has a reputation beyond reputeminiMia has a reputation beyond reputeminiMia has a reputation beyond reputeminiMia has a reputation beyond reputeminiMia has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

Studies also who that people tend to be attracted to people who look like them.

Anyway, being 12 years in a relationship with someone who is very much opposite to me and who doesn't look anything like me, I can tell you that it CAN work.

I won't go so far as to say it will always work. But even if you are opposites there must be some core values that are compatible. I guess it's down to what do you have in common and how does that mesh with what is opposite.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:41
adrianlondon's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Basel
Posts: 9,131
Groaned at 170 Times in 153 Posts
Thanked 25,643 Times in 6,892 Posts
adrianlondon has a reputation beyond reputeadrianlondon has a reputation beyond reputeadrianlondon has a reputation beyond reputeadrianlondon has a reputation beyond reputeadrianlondon has a reputation beyond reputeadrianlondon has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

I agree with Phil_MCR. Some small opposites (I mean some small parts of one's personality, not dating Ouchboy) work well but generally - even if you're both from different cultures - it helps if you share a similar outlook on life.

My personal experience is that opposites can lead to some fantastic sex but the relationship never holds.

So, if you want to date an "opposite", make sure you can bear each others' company eg by going on holiday together. If you want to date someone similar, then make sure the sex stays good before committing :)
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:50
Pancakes's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Zurich-ish
Posts: 5,168
Groaned at 290 Times in 207 Posts
Thanked 10,927 Times in 4,110 Posts
Pancakes has a reputation beyond reputePancakes has a reputation beyond reputePancakes has a reputation beyond reputePancakes has a reputation beyond reputePancakes has a reputation beyond reputePancakes has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

Yeah, I learned the hard way that cultural differences can really take their toll on a relationship. I'm now in my second relationship with a "non US-American" and there have definitely been some arguments that have ensued because of cultural differences. But I think it helps when both people realize (and are willing to admit) that they are BOTH 'victims' of their own culture and that neither culture is superior.

But I do think that one of the biggest "things" holding my marriage together is the fact that my husband and I both share such similar interests (e.g. physics and ambient music). We're also both usually quite content with staying home and don't want or need a crazy social life. I think it can be really difficult when one person likes to go out all the time and the other likes to stay home.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:53
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

Quote:
View Post
But I think it helps when both people realize (and are willing to admit) that ... neither culture is superior.
Difficult when one partner is English, though.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:57
MathNut's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Kt. Glarus
Posts: 4,415
Groaned at 34 Times in 32 Posts
Thanked 10,952 Times in 3,253 Posts
MathNut has a reputation beyond reputeMathNut has a reputation beyond reputeMathNut has a reputation beyond reputeMathNut has a reputation beyond reputeMathNut has a reputation beyond reputeMathNut has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

Quote:
Difficult when one partner is English, though.


Speaking of which, I do believe it's my turn not to make the tea...
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:59
st2lemans's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Lugano
Posts: 32,496
Groaned at 2,577 Times in 1,840 Posts
Thanked 39,636 Times in 18,680 Posts
st2lemans has a reputation beyond reputest2lemans has a reputation beyond reputest2lemans has a reputation beyond reputest2lemans has a reputation beyond reputest2lemans has a reputation beyond reputest2lemans has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

Well, my fiancee is from here, and, other than summers in Italy, has never lived anywhere else. Also, she only speaks Italian (which has been quite good for mine). Her father was an artist, with a studio that takes up a third of the house, so she grew up with two stay-at-home parents, while mine both worked outside the home. She's a cleanliness freak, and I, ummm, am not (if my motorcycles are dirty, I go for a ride in the rain!)

Talk about opposites!

Tom
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 19.09.2011, 18:59
Phil_MCR's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Basel
Posts: 14,939
Groaned at 294 Times in 198 Posts
Thanked 18,988 Times in 7,986 Posts
Phil_MCR has a reputation beyond reputePhil_MCR has a reputation beyond reputePhil_MCR has a reputation beyond reputePhil_MCR has a reputation beyond reputePhil_MCR has a reputation beyond reputePhil_MCR has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Opposites attract…or not?

one of the biggest stress factors is money, e.g. when one partner is a natural saver, and the other a liberal spender.
Reply With Quote
Reply




Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
illusion.....or not absami General off-topic 1 13.05.2011 18:28
not NOT buying a bus ticket or abonnement, being smart? Evita is here Transportation/driving 97 30.10.2010 18:14
How to attract squirrels CheesyKiwi Pet corner 20 23.04.2010 11:45


All times are GMT +2. The time now is 17:13.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2022, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0