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Old 22.09.2011, 23:01
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Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

In the cherished tradition of McSweeney's "Open Letters To People Or Entities Who Are Unlikely To Respond" ( see http://www.mcsweeneys.net/columns/op...ely-to-respond ) I thought I'd make a space for such letters here for both the cathartic and the comedic value it might have. Might be fun, might not, but what the hell. I'll start.

Dear Guy Who Designed My Apartment Kitchen,

Thanks for the overwhelming amount of cabinet space that even I, an admitted collector of useless kitchen gadgets, specialty baking pans, and adorable serving dishes that I rarely use, could not come close to filling. However, in spite of the abundance of cabinet space, I'd like to know why you added a refrigerator that is smaller in size than a hotel minibar. This is a 3 bedroom apartment which, had I two teenagers, I'd be shopping twice a day to feed due to the lack of space inside of this essential appliance. Also, the oven is so tiny as to make it difficult to decide which 'middle' rack I want as what it means is that I must decide if I want to burn the top or the bottom of whatever I'm baking. It comes with a rotisserie attachment, but if it's anything larger than a cornish hen, e.g. tiny, it won't turn. The big bone of contention, however, is my curiosity as to why you put the oven next to the refrigerator. I understand that not everyone understands thermodynamics, but have you never watched a snowman melt on a warm day and cried? I bake bread and crank the oven up to the top of the scale and listen to my refrigerator struggle to keep cool. I'm sure it looked cool in your autocad design but, take it from me, form over function really sucks. Just sayin'.

Sincerely yours,

A tenant who cooks and who has unkind thoughts about the kitchen daily
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Old 22.09.2011, 23:04
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

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In the cherished tradition of McSweeney's "Open Letters To People Or Entities Who Are Unlikely To Respond" ( see http://www.mcsweeneys.net/columns/op...ely-to-respond ) I thought I'd make a space for such letters here for both the cathartic and the comedic value it might have. Might be fun, might not, but what the hell. I'll start.

Dear Guy Who Designed My Apartment Kitchen,

Thanks for the overwhelming amount of cabinet space that even I, an admitted collector of useless kitchen gadgets, specialty baking pans, and adorable serving dishes that I rarely use, could not come close to filling. However, in spite of the abundance of cabinet space, I'd like to know why you added a refrigerator that is smaller in size than a hotel minibar. This is a 3 bedroom apartment which, had I two teenagers, I'd be shopping twice a day to feed due to the lack of space inside of this essential appliance. Also, the oven is so tiny as to make it difficult to decide which 'middle' rack I want as what it means is that I must decide if I want to burn the top or the bottom of whatever I'm baking. It comes with a rotisserie attachment, but if it's anything larger than a cornish hen, e.g. tiny, it won't turn. The big bone of contention, however, is my curiosity as to why you put the oven next to the refrigerator. I understand that not everyone understands thermodynamics, but have you never watched a snowman melt on a warm day and cried? I bake bread and crank the oven up to the top of the scale and listen to my refrigerator struggle to keep cool. I'm sure it looked cool in your autocad design but, take it from me, form over function really sucks. Just sayin'.

Sincerely yours,

A tenant who cooks and who has unkind thoughts about the kitchen daily
Sounds like I have 1/3 of the cabinet space you do, and twice the refrigerator.
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Old 22.09.2011, 23:05
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

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Sounds like I have 1/3 of the cabinet space you do, and twice the refrigerator.
I'll trade
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Old 22.09.2011, 23:05
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

You're new here ?
The whole European continent is designed like that.

*don't even think of roastin' that thanksgiving turkey.. it won't fit*

Last edited by Sky; 22.09.2011 at 23:22.
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Old 22.09.2011, 23:27
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

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You're new here ?
The whole European continent is designed like that.

*don't even think of roastin' that thanksgiving turkey.. it won't fit*
Nah, even my tiny Stockholm apartment had bigger appliances...which is why I left half of my baking stuff back in the states with my sister. And a turkey? Hell, I don't think I could roast a whole chicken in this thing it's so small. My husband, much to his credit, saw how large and bright and nice the kitchen was and thought of me...unfortunately, he's not the cook. But I have to say the oven next to the fridge is the big fail here....
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Old 22.09.2011, 23:41
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

Everybody looks at me weird when I complain about the fridge next to the oven being commonplace in Switzerland. I'm glad I'm not the only weirdo...

Yay!
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Old 22.09.2011, 23:47
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

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Everybody looks at me weird when I complain about the fridge next to the oven being commonplace in Switzerland. I'm glad I'm not the only weirdo...

Yay!
I'm glad I'm not alone as this isn't rocket science! Thermodynamics at a basic level isn't hard to understand...put a snowball on a bonfire and, well, it'll melt real quick. In terms of energy efficiency, this has to rate pretty horribly, really. Not that my fridge is big enough to really cause much of a drain, but I really hate lukewarm yogurt....
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Old 23.09.2011, 00:46
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

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Everybody looks at me weird when I complain about the fridge next to the oven being commonplace in Switzerland. I'm glad I'm not the only weirdo...
My fridge is far away from the oven, but my little brother has his next to the oven. Years ago we tested the power consumption by timing the compressor On cycles, just for fun, because he said it's bad and I said nope. With the oven on full blast, the fridge used about 5% more electricity than normally. With the oven on (very often not even on full blast), say, about two hours a week (2 in 168 hours = 1 in 84 hours), that makes an overall increase in power consumption of 0.06%, so you can forget that. Even an oven that is used far more frequently will not make a measurable dent in your budget.

There are many things in Swiss kitchens that may be criticized, but the thermodynamics between the oven and the fridge are not an issue. Those huge walk-in fridges that are almost standard in American kitchens ARE an issue. And so are the American ovens that are as big as the average Swiss double garage, with a dissipation surface that is active for every little gratin for two but actually calculated for the Thanksgiving turkey that happens once a year.
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  #9  
Old 23.09.2011, 00:48
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

Dear Tony

The Swiss population of 7'870'100 is made up of people in the following age groups,
the years & as a %
_0-19 years 20.9
20-39 years 26.7
40-64 years 35.6
65 + . years 16.8

Switzerland does not have a very large young group, as in the third world, nor does it have a large older group as in the western world: it has an ideal population with around ²/³ of the population available for work, about 5'846'800 souls.

I am sure you are kept up to date with Swiss statistics and you will know that approximately 22.437% of the Swiss population are not permitted to own the famous little red Büchlein, about 1'762'900. Many of these foreigners are working hard, doing the lower paid jobs the natives turn their noses up at.

Now Tony, I am sure you all sit around your Stammtisch every weekend, thinking up new ways of scaring the voters into believing we will soon be over run with fresh foreigners taking our jobs. But Tony, there aren't any jobs left! There are no homes for the invaders to live in! Morning & evening the commuter trains are full to bursting! It is impossible to find a cleaner or a nanny.

Please, the next time you see Christian in Zurich, have a word in his ear and ask him if he knows of anyone in the party with a bit of common sense! Get their names on the ballot papers quickly! We need some intelligent members, as soon as possible!
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Old 23.09.2011, 01:05
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

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Years ago we tested the power consumption by timing the compressor On cycles, just for fun
A new entry for the next "what to do in Switzerland on Sundays" thread
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Old 23.09.2011, 01:25
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

Dear ladies who share confined areas with others,

I realise that spritzing on your 'scent' in the morning is a moment of luxury but, please, one spritz or three dabs really is enough. Anything else reminds me of a randy tomcat marking his territory. A special mention goes to the ladies at my gym who douse yourselves in sweet 'I'm so sexy' weaponry (Omnia and Hypnotic Poison seem to be de rigueur) before meeting their personal trainers or starting the 'I'm here, look at me' pseudo-workout - I can smell you across the room and I frankly would find it less shocking if you stripped off naked to ensure maximum attention instead. I might just puke on your shoes next time you decide to work out next to me - changing machine has not been enough in the past, it's like trying to escape Pepe le Pew...

Yours, the lady with the still-functioning scent organ
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Old 23.09.2011, 10:31
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

Here is one addressed to the dolled up, hair gelled, cellphone whilst driving, very important moron in that black Audi I see every now and then in the morning.
Hallo! I am the traffic obstruction riding the red motorbike that you encounter at the roundabout heading to the A5, north Base from time to time. I know that you are far more important than me and that I take up your valuable seconds when you race round the bout. However I would like a little bit of road for myself, just a bike sized bit mind you.
I know that you are most important and do not need to take heed of other traffic and I have seriously contemplated following you to tell you this at the next traffic light.
However after our little chat, you may find your stupid cellphone rammed so far up your rear end that you will need the assistance of a Nokia technician to answer it in future.

Have a nice day
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Old 23.09.2011, 11:11
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

to a certain (or maybe two) work colleague
good for you for doing a phd. that doesn't make the rest of us stupid though. i know it might shock you, but i just don't want to do a phd. i prefer getting paid more, thank you very much.
and that i lack ambition as i sometimes take up tasks that you think are below your level and i am not focused on one goal. guess what, my goal is try out different things, to work with different people and to always do everything with a smile, regardless if it is photocopying or being the lead author of a paper published in a prestigious journal (wait, you didn't expect i could do that, did you).
also, next time you make one of your "funny" comments about me wearing make-up or taking time to do my hair you might get a reply instead of a smile.
now excuse me as i have to go and paint my nails.
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Old 23.09.2011, 11:12
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

Dear various people at public pool,

1) The Backstroke Guy/Gal™. I can understand it must be enjoyable to kick the water with your knees like a Spanish lady crushing grapes, but it would make everyone's life around you easier if you made an effort to do it in a straight line. We can't all avoid you as you start diagonally cutting across people's lanes like a hot knife through butter. Can't see where you're going, you say? Well, that should make you ask some questions about whether swimming like a drunk sea otter is optimal for human beings.

2) The Gossipy Old Ladies™. I'm all for people going to the pool together for company and encouragement, but this is ridiculous. Two ladies of advanced age and volume doing breast stroke (or some kind of minimalist abstract version of it) all while not going very fast and talking side by side. Pirates had horror tales of such things. Your slow speed, considerable water displacement, and irrepairable need to not separate makes you effectively queens (usurpers) of 1/4th of the pool. If one slows down, the other usually stops and doggie-paddles in a circle waiting, all while continuing to talk about how your favourite diet pills have been outlawed again. Newsflash: those things don't work, and the pool won't help much either the way you do it.

3) The Ex-Swimmer Douchebags™. I'm sorry your career in watch marketing had to cut short your sure-fire gold mine of a dream of being a competitive swimmer, but you don't have to grace us with your presence several times a week for half an hour just to do everything but swim. From what I can tell, you guys mostly sit on the side of the pool talking about the subtleties of overpriced time pieces (I'm convinced some of these people use the water for business negotiations and covert job interviews to make sure no one is wearing a wire), the good old days of swimming competitions, and the 5% less body fat you used to have. Every once in a while you'll offer swimming tips to the more attractive ladies in the pool (The Gossipy Old Ladies™ go largely ignored, unsurprisingly) and two of you will have a quick race to the other side while a third guy counts your time on his bought-with-the-company-discount wrist bling. True to form, the race is of course conducted in an extremely disruptive manner with no consideration for the swimmers around you. After barely 30 minutes, you go back to work, having burned a whopping 75 calories, high-fiving each other all the way about what an intense workout you just had. Feeel the buuurn.

Yours truly,
The Guy Who's Wet with Rage and Wants to Swim in Peace™.
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Old 23.09.2011, 11:25
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

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Everybody looks at me weird when I complain about the fridge next to the oven being commonplace in Switzerland. I'm glad I'm not the only weirdo...

Yay!

Spice cabinet directly above the stove top anyone? The placement of fridge - oven combo as well as the spice cabinet have always left me a little perplexed.
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Old 23.09.2011, 11:42
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

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to a certain (or maybe two) work colleague
good for you for doing a phd. that doesn't make the rest of us stupid though. i know it might shock you, but i just don't want to do a phd. i prefer getting paid more, thank you very much.
and that i lack ambition as i sometimes take up tasks that you think are below your level and i am not focused on one goal. guess what, my goal is try out different things, to work with different people and to always do everything with a smile, regardless if it is photocopying or being the lead author of a paper published in a prestigious journal (wait, you didn't expect i could do that, did you).
also, next time you make one of your "funny" comments about me wearing make-up or taking time to do my hair you might get a reply instead of a smile.
now excuse me as i have to go and paint my nails.
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Old 23.09.2011, 11:46
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

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Sounds like I have 1/3 of the cabinet space you do, and twice the refrigerator.
me too.

I'm storing stuff in the refrigerator that doesn't need to be put there just because I'm right out of space in the cabinets. I've even got the spare light bulbs in the refrigerator. I really don't know what the designer was thinking. The big ones must have been extra cheap that week.
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Old 23.09.2011, 12:12
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

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There are many things in Swiss kitchens that may be criticized, but the thermodynamics between the oven and the fridge are not an issue. Those huge walk-in fridges that are almost standard in American kitchens ARE an issue. And so are the American ovens that are as big as the average Swiss double garage, with a dissipation surface that is active for every little gratin for two but actually calculated for the Thanksgiving turkey that happens once a year.
It's a problem when the inside of the fridge on the side next to the oven is warm to the touch Either someone skipped the insulation that should be between them or...something.

And I'm really not exaggerating that the fridge is about the size of a dorm fridge. I get it that Euros think that our Yankee appliances are too big but, really, I think this is a bit too far in the other direction. I have a hard time squeezing a 9" cake pan into the oven as well. So...I bake a lot of flat foods.
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Old 23.09.2011, 12:15
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

Dear Random youths at railway stations,
Next time you sit in a huge group on the stairs when a train has pulled in and is emptying, don't be surprised if you get an irate commuter's knee in the back of your head because you won't get out of the frigging way.
Sincerely,
An irate commuter
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Old 23.09.2011, 12:21
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Re: Open Letters to People Unlikely to Respond

ok, everybody.. all at once now.. take a deep breath and repeat after me...
.
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