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  #21  
Old 16.12.2011, 16:55
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Re: Tough Divorce

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So does this mean because you have always been staying at home (and not financially contributing) he should pay you to carry on staying at home?
I don't know the OP situation, but since you are making an assumption based on one sentence, I will make an assumption myself based on the same sentence. I think that what the OP means is: having always been a stay-at-home mom, and being a foreigner, I don't mind coming back to Switzerland, however, I am afraid that I might not have enough/current/locally acceptable qualifications to be able to find a job and support myself, and plus being a foreigner (and perhaps not speaking the local language) is a further complication.

I know many a stay-at-home partner (or wannabe SAH partner) who faced this dilemma at some point - what if one day I want to/have to get back into the workforce? Would my qualifications be outdated? Would I be hired? Ideally, requalification is possible, but it takes time and money that the OP might not have readily available at the moment, not to mention the immediate stress of going through her personal life problems.

Maybe I am misreading your post, but if I understand you correctly, your implication that only financial contributions count in a couple and that a stay at home partner is "getting a free ride" are IMO simplistic and inaccurate, not to mention highly offensive for people who, by choice or necessity, take that route. I would add also that, most often than not, the choice of having one partner working outside the home and one partner working inside the home is a common decision within the couple, based upon what works for that particular couple.

To close, no one is "blaming the guy". The OP posted about finding herself in an abusive situation and how to get out of it. We don't know the OP and have no reason to doubt that this is indeed the truth. If this is the truth, I believe she got some good advice in this thread on how to deal with it.
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  #22  
Old 16.12.2011, 17:20
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Re: Tough Divorce

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Maybe I am misreading your post, but if I understand you correctly, your implication that only financial contributions count in a couple and that a stay at home partner is "getting a free ride" are IMO simplistic and inaccurate, not to mention highly offensive for people who, by choice or necessity, take that route. I would add also that, most often than not, the choice of having one partner working outside the home and one partner working inside the home is a common decision within the couple, based upon what works for that particular couple.
I don't think he was implying that a stay at home partneris getting free ride, but rather that once the partnership is over it seems a little odd to expect that your ex continue to support you staying at home. At least that's how I read it.
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  #23  
Old 16.12.2011, 18:58
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Re: Tough Divorce

Principia Discordia:

That's precisely my point. She may have been a stay at home mum, because she wanted to or because she/they had agreed to that, but the situation is different now. She wants to get divorced. She will have to work, what she did before is irrelevant. This is my point.

@Federica: Its best to understand someone's post before getting offended because you took things the wrong way, IMO. :-)
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  #24  
Old 16.12.2011, 19:39
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Re: Tough Divorce

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My non-suisse husband and I have been married for 10 years and have 1 daughter. After years of verbal abuse I left 3 years ago with our daughter to my home country but after about a year I realised that the lifestyle was too different for her and decided to send her back. In the course of 3yrs he has asked for me to come back but everytime I did- something would happen for me to distrust him and force me to leave. Now all of a sudden he wants a divorce. My question #1- is what happens if I don't agree #2- if it comes down to a divorce can I get custody of my daughter and how much financial rights I have. I don't mind moving back to Suisse but I have always been a stay at home mom. My husband has not paid for my living expences since I have moved out becuase I live with my parents. He tells me I don't need my own lawyer but I am afraid that since he is the one talking to him I will get screwed. Please help
You don't mention your home country, but if you have not been served papers from a Swiss court, you could start a divorce process in your home country, the laws there might be more suitable for you. It seems that he now wants to divorce you, and he can probably get a quick decision from a Swiss court. You should get 50 % of his accrued pension fund from the date of your wedding to the date of your divorce.
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Old 16.12.2011, 20:44
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Re: Tough Divorce

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My non-suisse husband and I have been married for 10 years and have 1 daughter. After years of verbal abuse I left 3 years ago with our daughter to my home country but after about a year I realised that the lifestyle was too different for her and decided to send her back. In the course of 3yrs he has asked for me to come back but everytime I did- something would happen for me to distrust him and force me to leave. Now all of a sudden he wants a divorce. My question #1- is what happens if I don't agree #2- if it comes down to a divorce can I get custody of my daughter and how much financial rights I have. I don't mind moving back to Suisse but I have always been a stay at home mom. My husband has not paid for my living expences since I have moved out becuase I live with my parents. He tells me I don't need my own lawyer but I am afraid that since he is the one talking to him I will get screwed. Please help
Do I understand correctly that the girl is living with her father for the last two years because you have decided to send her back? And now you would like to get custody of your daughter and financial support?
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Old 17.12.2011, 03:04
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Re: Tough Divorce

No I don't. As for why- because I still love him in many ways. Now why did I leave? Because although I love him and loved him all these years he was making me feel insignificant. Obviously it was not like this in the beginning. It all started when our child was born. Gradually. I probably didn't even notice. I actually started believing that he was right. That I was a useless person and that I was doing something wrong. But I couldn't figure what? Until one day I realized that there was nothing wrong with me. That is why I left. When we are far apart, he is very sweet and wants me to come home. When I get there he always finds something wrong. It has been a never ending circle and I understand in my head that its time to end it one way or another. I decided to post because I wanted to know where I stand in a situation like this.
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Old 17.12.2011, 03:28
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Re: Tough Divorce

You don't have to give explanations to anybody. As everybody else has advised get a lawyer, they are the only ones that will tell you for sure where you stand. your circumstances are very different from the ones I've read in the forum and even mine. I understand what you are going through, specially on this time of the year when the family should be together, but you will be allright if you want to be. Your child will give you all the strenght that you need, you will see. And the other advise I can give you is to get also therapy for you, you need to be healthy in mind to take your life to a better level, to fight for your child and I really hope at some point you two are able to sit down and realize that the only one that will suffer if you 2 are not friends is your child. Divorce can get ugly but some people manage to leave that behind and just be polite to each other for the sake of the kids.
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Old 17.12.2011, 04:09
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Re: Tough Divorce

Thank you, after reading some of the posts I felt that I needed to explain the situation more in order to get precise advices but in the end a lawyer and a therapist is what I need. I mentioned that I have always been a stay at home mom, meaning that I have no personal means of paying for lawyers or therapists. If I use my husbands then he will find out. I suppose I am in a rut?
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  #29  
Old 17.12.2011, 08:12
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Re: Tough Divorce

Monday, if I understand correctly your baby is being raised in Switzerland by his/her father ?
If this is the case, and he's a good parent, then logically what would be the grounds for custody and/or financial support ?
In Switzerland, it's quite equal.
If he can prove that he has been providing alone, over a certain amount of time, for your child and that the little one is well adjusted, it could be difficult for you to have any claims.
In fact, once you start working and are independent, he could ask you for child support.
Nevertheless all opinions should be just read and then discarded as none of us know your situation, it's a public forum, you really need a lawyer and we're not here to judge one way or the other.

Find a Swiss lawyer asap. Consider a few hundred francs for some good advice.

Not sure how much verbal abuse is going to weigh in the balance with which parent is raising the child.
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Last edited by Sky; 17.12.2011 at 09:37.
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