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  #21  
Old 28.03.2012, 00:11
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

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THANK YOU guys, for all your advice and comments!

I just passed everything on to my friend who says to "thank my virtual swiss friends" for the advice

she has a couple of interesting guys on her hands, two of them even witty and good looking (not bad!) one question: one very "romantic" guy (for an italian guy this means usually STICKY) is neither showing his photo nor asking her for her photo, but writing very profound mails about going to live in a lighthouse (). she's perfectly ok with this and even thinks it's a refreshing approach "not based on exterior impressions". to me it seems very strange!!!

what do you think, is it a good or bad sign or maybe completely irrelevant to ask for a meeting without having shared photos?!
If the guy is serious he will have photos. Otherwise what is he hiding?
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  #22  
Old 28.03.2012, 00:21
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

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If the guy is serious he will have photos. Otherwise what is he hiding?
Well, not everyone is 'easy on the eye'. I myself look a little too like my avatar for comfort.

Maybe the guy has a big nose, or ears, or a sleepy eye, etc, etc.

Or he could just be an old goat trying to play away from home, and doesn't want to get caught.

My friend in the UK rejects 95% just on looks alone, and wonders why she is STILL single.
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  #23  
Old 28.03.2012, 00:37
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

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Well, not everyone is 'easy on the eye'. I myself look a little too like my avatar for comfort.

Maybe the guy has a big nose, or ears, or a sleepy eye, etc, etc.

Or he could just be an old goat trying to play away from home, and doesn't want to get caught.

My friend in the UK rejects 95% just on looks alone, and wonders why she is STILL single.
I see both sides. I myself would be more selective like your friend, but MY friend is very tolerant and openly recognizes that most of her men were quite ugly. she says attraction doesn't run along those lines for her and I know it's true. not for me to judge...

still, I find it a bit creepy!
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  #24  
Old 28.03.2012, 00:51
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

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So what is a really good dating site to use in Switzerland?? specifically the Zurich area.
@Chappers: Knock yourself out - so to speak - with the following related threads if you've not come across them already and which may or may not assist you in your quest.

Any good dating scene in Zurich?

Why is it so hard to find a date in Zurich?! (hope my friends wont kill me)

Also this one - Best Dating Websites
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  #25  
Old 28.03.2012, 08:20
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

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one very "romantic" guy (...) is neither showing his photo nor asking her for her photo, but writing very profound mails about going to live in a lighthouse (). she's perfectly ok with this and even thinks it's a refreshing approach "not based on exterior impressions". to me it seems very strange!!!

what do you think, is it a good or bad sign or maybe completely irrelevant to ask for a meeting without having shared photos?!
I'd be concerned about the no-photo, lighthouse dude....
Perhaps he's just looking for an epistolary correspondence ?
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  #26  
Old 28.03.2012, 08:29
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

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I'd be concerned about the no-photo, lighthouse dude....
Perhaps he's just looking for an epistolary correspondence ?
This isnt really my area so could someone explain what the difference is between "a blind date" (been round for hundreds of years, involves meeting someone you dont know the look of but is seen by society as an exciting and very fashionable thing to go on) and "meeting someone from the internet whose photos you havent seen" (recent phenomenon, involves meeting someone you dont know the look of but is seen by society as a dangerous, risky approach which could land you on the wrong side of a sexual assault if your not careful) ?
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  #27  
Old 28.03.2012, 09:49
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

The blind date carries a white stick, and the Internet date carries an Apple. But you do have a valid point, they are both risky if not done properly. And the Internet site often has unrealistic photos, "This was me taken 15 years ago" etc.
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  #28  
Old 28.03.2012, 09:49
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

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I'd be concerned about the no-photo, lighthouse dude....
Perhaps he's just looking for an epistolary correspondence ?
I am too! her time is simply too precious for this kind of teenage approach at ther age.
anyway it's funny because all this activity on the site is making her think of her own personal issues with men in the past... a kind of self-analysis.

I am trying to steer her in the direction of the more straightforward no-nonsense guys with a bit of humour. but I realize that this could be what I would choose and this is not about me... on the other hand she openly admits her taste for men is catastrophic and wants to be guided...
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  #29  
Old 28.03.2012, 09:53
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

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This isnt really my area so could someone explain what the difference is between "a blind date" (been round for hundreds of years, involves meeting someone you dont know the look of but is seen by society as an exciting and very fashionable thing to go on) and "meeting someone from the internet whose photos you havent seen" (recent phenomenon, involves meeting someone you dont know the look of but is seen by society as a dangerous, risky approach which could land you on the wrong side of a sexual assault if your not careful) ?
not necessarily risky but it is only an option for people who don't value exterior appearance much or who are just looking for sex, I think.
just imagine you go to the blind date and the person turns out to have one or even more of your most abhorred physical traits?? how embarassing will it be to get out of the situation without offending him/her?
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  #30  
Old 28.03.2012, 10:03
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

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not necessarily risky but it is only an option for people who don't value exterior appearance much or who are just looking for sex, I think.
just imagine you go to the blind date and the person turns out to have one or even more of your most abhorred physical traits?? how embarassing will it be to get out of the situation without offending him/her?
First time you meet should be for a Coffee, nothing more. You can always try & turn it into dinner if it's worth going further.....People will often lie, women are often married but don't mention anything on their profile. She mentioned it on the 4th date!
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  #31  
Old 28.03.2012, 10:07
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

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First time you meet should be for a Coffee, nothing more. You can always try & turn it into dinner if it's worth going further.....People will often lie, women are often married but don't mention anything on their profile. She mentioned it on the 4th date!
yes, the lies are what are worrying me a bit. the older you get the more some people think they have to hide (whether justifiedly or not)

as for the first meeting she also thinks of having coffee in a busy bar at
8 o'clock in the morning. excellent idea.
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  #32  
Old 28.03.2012, 10:18
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

People do lie, but many don't.

I never did, as I always couldn't see the point, as any lie would eventually be found out.

And yes, a coffee or beer in a public place is always a good way to meet the first time.

Tom
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  #33  
Old 28.03.2012, 10:22
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

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This isnt really my area so could someone explain what the difference is between "a blind date" (been round for hundreds of years, involves meeting someone you dont know the look of but is seen by society as an exciting and very fashionable thing to go on) and "meeting someone from the internet whose photos you havent seen" (recent phenomenon, involves meeting someone you dont know the look of but is seen by society as a dangerous, risky approach which could land you on the wrong side of a sexual assault if your not careful) ?
OK, I'll bite. The main difference is that blind dates are usually the result of a more or less personal recommendation - friend of a friend's brother etc. It's certainly not an absolute guarantee but it does contribute to our perception of blind dates as a less risky approach. We tend to assume our friends won't knowingly set us up with dangerous nutcases, and usually they don't.

Internet dating is seen as neither more nor less risky than answering personal ads in the newspaper (which have been around for over 150 years). It's not the technology that's the issue, it's the absence of mutual acquaintances who can vouch for the person's basic respectability.
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  #34  
Old 28.03.2012, 10:33
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

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OK, I'll bite. The main difference is that blind dates are usually the result of a more or less personal recommendation - friend of a friend's brother etc. It's certainly not an absolute guarantee but it does contribute to our perception of blind dates as a less risky approach. We tend to assume our friends won't knowingly set us up with dangerous nutcases, and usually they don't.

Internet dating is seen as neither more nor less risky than answering personal ads in the newspaper (which have been around for over 150 years). It's not the technology that's the issue, it's the absence of mutual acquaintances who can vouch for the person's basic respectability.
agreed. paradoxically, the numerous men that have almost managed to ruin her life up to this today were apparently "safe" and met over the conventional channels: the high school love, the respectable and mature friend of friends, the university colleague. for god's sake, even the faculty librarian! anyway, all people she knew long before dating them...

so I think this is maybe a more controlled way of selecting the right person for someone who has a totally bulimic and self-punishing approach to relationships.
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  #35  
Old 28.03.2012, 10:59
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

Venice, first and foremost, good luck to your friend!

I have no tips or experience with regards to online dating, so I leave this to other more experienced posters/friends.

However, I have a suggestion that might (perhaps) be helpful to your friend. I would personally prefer to exchange pictures beforehand, but if she is really interested in meeting the no-picture guy, she should go for it. For a coffee in a public place, granted, but there is no harm and all to be gained in going out with someone once.

I would always go for a first date with someone that somehow caught my attention, always with a relaxed approach, and the mindset that this will not necessarily turn into a relationship. If she is honest with herself and the counterpart, she will easily find out on date 1 whether she is interested in seeing the guy for a second date, or not. They could also find out that, while there is no potential for a relationship, they have met someone cool who could be a friend, or a business contact, or whatever. See my point? The problem I see in a lot of cases is people being too eager to be in a relationship at all costs, and projecting these expectations and anxiousness to the counterpart, and getting unnecessarily nervous about the situation.

So, be safe, meet in a public place for a coffee, let your friends know where you are, but walk into the date with the mindset that this is what it is and nothing more: just one date.

Good luck!
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  #36  
Old 28.03.2012, 11:40
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

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Venice, first and foremost, good luck to your friend!

However, I have a suggestion that might (perhaps) be helpful to your friend. I would personally prefer to exchange pictures beforehand, but if she is really interested in meeting the no-picture guy, she should go for it. For a coffee in a public place, granted, but there is no harm and all to be gained in going out with someone once.

I would always go for a first date with someone that somehow caught my attention, always with a relaxed approach, and the mindset that this will not necessarily turn into a relationship. If she is honest with herself and the counterpart, she will easily find out on date 1 whether she is interested in seeing the guy for a second date, or not. They could also find out that, while there is no potential for a relationship, they have met someone cool who could be a friend, or a business contact, or whatever.

So, be safe, meet in a public place for a coffee, let your friends know where you are, but walk into the date with the mindset that this is what it is and nothing more: just one date.
very sensible words that bring me back to earth... then I'll let her go on with it. I think I was fretting too much.
like with kids: I have to learn to "let her go"
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  #37  
Old 28.03.2012, 11:47
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

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a few days ago I helped my childhood friend, a single working mother, subscribe to Parship Italy. actually it was my idea because after many disastrous relationships she has been alone for quite a while and starting to really suffer from loneliness. since I know at least two wonderful and lasting couples that have met on a dating site, I don't see why should she shouldn't give it a try, too. Parship seems serious and has moderators, which seems a good thing (a bit like EF)

well, after the initial "let's do it for the fun of it" now she has received a lot of messages from men who seem sincerely interested and interesting. this is making her feel really great and positive, but now she's calling me every few hours asking me how she should react or answer to certain messages. some are asking directly for a telephone contact or for an encounter.

HELP! having no concrete experience myself I am afraid of giving advice which might lead A. to further disappointment B. to physical danger for herself and her child.
how would you say that she can recognize someone with bad intentions? maybe it's my bad impression of italian men in general, but there are so many out there who are just looking for some horizontal action (nothing against that, but it shouldn't be the only thing). not to mention serial killers???!!!
I'm feeling guilty now already... THANKS!

O.K. Have a think about this. In order to make sure that all turns out well a dater, especially a female dater needs to establish incentives which keeps the other person in line. Russia and the USA had incentives during the cold war which kept each other in line. That being if one side attacked with neuclear weapons the other side had so many that the chances were that they would be able to retaliate. That was an incentive to both parties to behave. And a very strong one at that!



So just apply this to internet dating. How? Well an incentive is...
  • secure records of the persons identity: Incentive=police become involved if he/she breaks laws.
  • meet the persons friends: Incentive=social pressure & embarrassment amognst his/her piers (very big incentive).
  • meet the persons parents: Incentive=same as above.
  • Inform the person that you always tell a friend/relation that you are dating and will call back when safely home alone etc. Incentive= again police become involved.
Precautions:
  • A smart phone app' with GPS tracking to allow Police to locate phone.
  • Friend or relation who you phone when home alone after dateing.
  • Most important of all you should both earn each others trust not give it out for free.
Hope this helps you out.

For more on incentives check out: thoughtmaybe.com/video/the-trap

The first part covers the thoery of incentives. It's called "F..k you buddy". The relevant part about incentives is about 9 and 1/2 minutes in.

Last edited by Jack of all trades.; 28.03.2012 at 12:02. Reason: more info'
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  #38  
Old 28.03.2012, 11:52
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

Common sense and being invited to his Facebook account is crucial.
Meeting him in a neutral place with lots of people around you helps.
Don't promise him anything and don't put yourself in a place where you're not in control.
Tell someone where you're going and who you're meeting.

There are a lot of weirdos out there but there are a couple of genuinely nice men out there too.

The older we get, the more baggage we have so be forgiving and open-minded. (OK, this sentence was more for me.)

Good luck.
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  #39  
Old 28.03.2012, 12:19
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

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OK, I'll bite. The main difference is that blind dates are usually the result of a more or less personal recommendation - friend of a friend's brother etc. It's certainly not an absolute guarantee but it does contribute to our perception of blind dates as a less risky approach. We tend to assume our friends won't knowingly set us up with dangerous nutcases, and usually they don't.

Internet dating is seen as neither more nor less risky than answering personal ads in the newspaper (which have been around for over 150 years). It's not the technology that's the issue, it's the absence of mutual acquaintances who can vouch for the person's basic respectability.
A friend of mine has firmly resisted Internet dating so far for fear of what she terms "the complete unknown" but has no problem with going on blind dates arranged via friends, colleagues or family members as she knows they will not set her up with, in her words, "loons or fruit cakes".

Going slightly off-topic here but a female work colleague once placed an ad in a UK publication to sell a stereo cassette recorder and naively listed her first name but thankfully only a work number for contact. Long story short, she ended up being bombarded with calls from guys who were not in the least bit interested in the cassette recorder but in meeting her. One became a real nuisance, would not stop ringing and started issuing threats/making lewd suggestions. It got so bad that she even had to get her boss to start answering her phone at one point . In the end her work number had to be blocked and changed and she had to go to the police station to file a report of harassment. All that for trying to sell a cassette recorder!

Some days later she was chatting about the incident with a male work colleague who immediately burst out laughing and said that particular publication was well known for guys looking through the buying and selling ads sections specifically for females listed as the contact. His wife had also found this out the hard way when she put an ad in it selling their son's roller skates!
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  #40  
Old 28.03.2012, 12:20
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Re: How SAFE are dating sites?

When starting any relationship, there is always the danger of repeating past mistakes. The warning signs might be there, but the endangered person feels comfortable with this as they have the experience and it feels familiar, and believe they can manage their situations. Which is why victims of violence often go out with violent people, - ask any marriage guidance councellor.

Another point is that extremely beautiful people have problems meeting partners, and often join up with unsuitable partners out of desparation. If you see an attractive person, just behave sensibly and ask them out. Maybe your friend chooses ugly men because she has less confidence?
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