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  #21  
Old 06.08.2012, 15:34
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Re: Stuck in the middle (family drama)

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Nil how about asking your dad?
I spoke to my mom, she explained to me her reasons.
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  #22  
Old 06.08.2012, 15:36
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Re: Stuck in the middle (family drama)

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I spoke to my mom, she explained to me her reasons.
Ah! ok. Did you find the reason valid? Either way stay out of it. Just tell you aunta that it has nothing to do with you.
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  #23  
Old 06.08.2012, 15:39
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Re: Stuck in the middle (family drama)

what I tend to do in these situations (which do unfortunately tend to happen in families and friendships) is tell both sides to grow the **** up. granted, this is easier for dudes, since most squabbles are fully resolved with a little silence, followed by a firm punch on the shoulder, a couple of beers and some kind of sports event.
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  #24  
Old 06.08.2012, 15:41
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Re: Stuck in the middle (family drama)

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I spoke to my mom, she explained to me her reasons.
so now you have to explain to us, since you involved us all instead of just calling her up in the first place.
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  #25  
Old 06.08.2012, 15:43
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Re: Stuck in the middle (family drama)

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so now you have to explain to us, since you involved us all instead of just calling her up in the first place.
Phil has a point Nil
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  #26  
Old 06.08.2012, 15:43
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Re: Stuck in the middle (family drama)

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so now you have to explain to us, since you involved us all instead of just calling her up in the first place.
No I don't have to explain to you all. I wanted to have your opinions based on the facts I had. I spoke to my mother later since her time zone is different than ours.

I don't know if her reasons are true but I was pushed to take a side and I did.
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  #27  
Old 06.08.2012, 15:45
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Re: Stuck in the middle (family drama)

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No I don't have to explain to you all. I wanted to have your opinions based on the facts I had.
Yes but your facts have changed so update us and then we can update our advice too lol
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  #28  
Old 06.08.2012, 15:51
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Re: Stuck in the middle (family drama)

Ah families. Where would we be without them. Having a nice cocktail in peaceful and quiet surroundings would be my bet.

As your mother isn't giving any explanation and her friend doesn't know what the problem is you can either withdraw your friendship or say to your mother that while you respect her decision not to have anything to do with this woman, you are an adult and will make your own decision regarding further contact/friendship with her. Make it clear that you won't tell this woman anything about your mother if you decide to keep the friendship going.

She has no right to expect you to drop a friendship of 40 years, just because she's had a falling out with her and she's effectively bullying you by making such a demand. If she insists/threatens to cut you off too, then insist she explain what caused the rift so you can make an informed choice and not just follow a blind instruction. If she wants your support in this then you are owed an explanation no matter how angry/embarrassed/hurt she is.
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  #29  
Old 06.08.2012, 15:55
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Re: Stuck in the middle (family drama)

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Ah families. Where would we be without them. Having a nice cocktail in peaceful and quiet surroundings would be my bet.

As your mother isn't giving any explanation and her friend doesn't know what the problem is you can either withdraw your friendship or say to your mother that while you respect her decision not to have anything to do with this woman, you are an adult and will make your own decision regarding further contact/friendship with her. Make it clear that you won't tell this woman anything about your mother if you decide to keep the friendship going.

She has no right to expect you to drop a friendship of 40 years, just because she's had a falling out with her and she's effectively bullying you by making such a demand. If she insists/threatens to cut you off too, then insist she explain what caused the rift so you can make an informed choice and not just follow a blind instruction. If she wants your support in this then you are owed an explanation no matter how angry/embarrassed/hurt she is.
No, she, my mother and the woman had a friendship over 40 years. I got to know her very well and always been like an aunt for me. I didn't have intact with her for a very long time.

I got some reasons and explanations form my mother and took my decision to not keep contact with her ex-friend.
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  #30  
Old 06.08.2012, 16:00
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Re: Stuck in the middle (family drama)

Maybe time will tell.
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  #31  
Old 06.08.2012, 16:01
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Re: Stuck in the middle (family drama)

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No, she, my mother and the woman had a friendship over 40 years. I got to know her very well and always been like an aunt for me. I didn't have intact with her for a very long time.

I got some reasons and explanations form my mother and took my decision to not keep contact with her ex-friend.
Is that what you want, Nil? Given that the ex friend is to date unaware of the reasons she has offended your mother maybe your mother should be encouraged to let her know and perhaps give the friend the benefit of an explanation. It might be a big misunderstanding and your mum just got the wrong end of the stick.

It sounds as if you were very close to this friend of your mum. I would find it hard to sever all ties with someone effectively by proxy, i.e. via your mum taking offence over something she may or may not have misunderstood.

You know best because you have spoken to your mum about the reasons but it does seem like a terrible waste of 40 long years of friendship, plus your own relationship with this friend.
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  #32  
Old 06.08.2012, 16:05
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Re: Stuck in the middle (family drama)

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Is that what you want, Nil? Given that the ex friend is to date unaware of the reasons she has offended your mother maybe your mother should be encouraged to let her know and perhaps give the friend the benefit of an explanation. It might be a big misunderstanding and your mum just got the wrong end of the stick.

It sounds as if you were very close to this friend of your mum. I would find it hard to sever all ties with someone effectively by proxy, i.e. via your mum taking offence over something she may or may not have misunderstood.

You know best because you have spoken to your mum about the reasons but it does seem like a terrible waste of 40 long years of friendship, plus your own relationship with this friend.
I know. I managed to convince her to at least explain her reason to the friend, which she did via an email. She made also very clear to me that I should show loyalty to her and well.... I got no choice or let's say, choices of very unpleasant consequences.
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  #33  
Old 06.08.2012, 16:11
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Re: Stuck in the middle (family drama)

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I agree- just tell here the truth and that you cannot take sides, but would love to keep in touch.


You are lucky you are not 'pig in the middle' with close family involved. One of my brothers married very late, and his wife had a huge argument with my parents. I was not involved in any way, shape or form- and lived in the UK at the time. My sister-in-law asked me to decide if I was on her side or my mum's- and I explained I couldn't possibly do that. A/ because the argument had nothing to do with me B/ because I was not present and couldn't possibly have all the facts C/ because my mother was elderly and not well.

Her reply was that as I wouldn't choose- she would make the choice for me. She refused to ever see us again (that is me, my OH and children- with whom she had got on so well before, and who had welcomed her in the family). Which is fine I suppose. But she forbade my dearest brother from seeing us - and when he did, in secret, she found out and made his life an absolute misery for months. He loves the extended family his marriage gave him- and they love him so much too- and he now knows that choosing to keep in touch with us would cost him not only his marriage, but the loss of all those cousins, uncles, aunts, nephews and step-grand-children. It's been 15 years now - and I am not allowed to see him. It is absolutely tragic, but I have to accept it because I do not want to lose is step family where he is so happy. And because I realise that she is mentally ill.
Nil, that's good news that your mother has explained and you've taken a decision based on that. Hopefully, in time the rift may heal and they will be friends once again.

Odile, I feel so sad for you. I married into a family who weren't speaking to each other and while it didn't affect me as I didn't know the "opponents" I think it is very sad that something said in the heat of the moment can cause such anguish and pain between family members for such a long time. The split in mine lasted for well over 20 years (I don't know how long it had been going on before I met and married my husband) and it was only in the last 3/4 years that they began to talk to each other again, apart from birthdays and Christmas. At least they had managed to reconcile before they all passed on, but it just seems such a waste. I hope one day you will be lucky enough to speak with your brother and his family again.
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  #34  
Old 15.08.2012, 21:38
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Re: Stuck in the middle (family drama)

I feel for you, Odile - so sad when people don't care about others and leave no space for compromise or just simple understanding

Nil, I agree with most of opinions - clarify your position to both of them, and don't try to force your mom's attitude change on this. She might feel misunderstood and get the impression that you don't care about her. It's her life and let her live it the way she wants. And maintain your relationships with your "auntie" if you want (I would).
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  #35  
Old 15.08.2012, 22:16
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Re: Stuck in the middle (family drama)

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I agree- just tell here the truth and that you cannot take sides, but would love to keep in touch.


You are lucky you are not 'pig in the middle' with close family involved. One of my brothers married very late, and his wife had a huge argument with my parents. I was not involved in any way, shape or form- and lived in the UK at the time. My sister-in-law asked me to decide if I was on her side or my mum's- and I explained I couldn't possibly do that. A/ because the argument had nothing to do with me B/ because I was not present and couldn't possibly have all the facts C/ because my mother was elderly and not well.

Her reply was that as I wouldn't choose- she would make the choice for me. She refused to ever see us again (that is me, my OH and children- with whom she had got on so well before, and who had welcomed her in the family). Which is fine I suppose. But she forbade my dearest brother from seeing us - and when he did, in secret, she found out and made his life an absolute misery for months. He loves the extended family his marriage gave him- and they love him so much too- and he now knows that choosing to keep in touch with us would cost him not only his marriage, but the loss of all those cousins, uncles, aunts, nephews and step-grand-children. It's been 15 years now - and I am not allowed to see him. It is absolutely tragic, but I have to accept it because I do not want to lose is step family where he is so happy. And because I realise that she is mentally ill.
From the information you've given us your sister in law is an emotional blackmailer which is a very very ugly thing indeed. I can understand your brother being put in an even more uncomfortable situation but someone so lacking in empathy almost to the point of sociopathy should seek help.
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  #36  
Old 29.08.2012, 12:43
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Re: Stuck in the middle (family drama)

Any update on the soap opera?
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  #37  
Old 29.08.2012, 13:17
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Re: Stuck in the middle (family drama)

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Any update on the soap opera?
Nope

(too short)
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