Some musings on a cold and damp Friday evening. Huddled in my one room pokey hole under the roof, wrapped in a blanket with a hot water bottle and a glass of red as company while listening to Svefn-g-englar on youtube reminds me that I am on the cusp of having had sixty years on this rock.
Not as old as some on this honorable forum, then again not as young as most but I’m coming to the conclusion that there are more days behind me than are in front.
What’s left? Ten, fifteen… twenty, love to get at least another twenty, the last two decades went by in a flash, so fast that I got whiplash of the brain, my mind is still in 2010. It hasn’t caught up yet. I feel cheated somehow.
Soon in geological terms the Slammer will be no more, sometimes in bed before sleep kicks in, with my mind racing I make a mental note to delete my browser history, you never know.
What´s left after we are gone? Remembered by whom? Kids, sure, grandkids, probably. Greatgrandkids… „Who´s that man in the picture mummy?“ „Your great granddad sweetie!“ After that you are just a figure on an old photograph, stored in the Attic until some big clean out, sooner even if your presence is on a digital medium… I have pictures of my grandma getting married 100 years ago, the picture is as clear and as crisp as on the day it was taken. I can’t even access the storage medium I had five years ago.
Forgotten, gone without a trace.
As I said, I´m musing and three glasses in so don’t expect coherent thought.
Last trip to the UK I got a Murphy 104 baffle board wireless from 1946, my dad had one and I had it in my room when we first moved to Germany in 1972, it was the only way I was able to listen to something in English, RTL, AFN from out of Augsburg, Wolfman Jack on a Saturday night, radio Caroline on SW, obviously on a clear night. BBC world service. Numbers stations, little things like that. The old radio vanished after my divorce but it preyed on my mind and I had to get one.
I am having my old Pentax analog camera serviced now that Kodak has brought back Ektachrome and Ilford has restarted production of black and white 35mm film. I rescued a few surviving comic books from the sixties mum had in a cupboard, Beno, Bimbo, Dandy etc. not many things left but enough to get nostalgic when I see them. Why am I clinging to things from so long ago?
I have started to scour eBay for things that I had as a child or growing up that have vanished over the years and that I have now started to miss. Not that I would spend money but its nice to look at them and remember.
Can some of you ancients tell me that it is just a phase and will soon pass or is it going to be like this until the clogs pop?

PS. Memo to me, shouldn´t listen to Sigur Ros in such a frame of mind.

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Back in Bavaria, god´s own belly button.

I’ve not felt nostalgia for anything in a long time.

I remember the times when I used to though, man they were good times.

Really? Check your pulse, perhaps you are already in the great beerhall in the sky and havn´t realized it.

In the end, it all really doesn't matter. You've done your best and you can't change the past.

Breathe and feel the good energy around you.

Get onto SM like Twitter etc - you wont find any time neither for nostalgia nor melancholy. You'll be too busy ranting and tilting at windmills.

That said, to really UNDERSTAND - deep inside your head - that change is the only constant try Vipassana - it's free!!

Can't say I do really, maybe because I was never that attached to things to start with. Only thing that's been with me almost my whole life is my teddy bear. He was a birthday present for my 2nd birthday and he's been with me ever since. He'll turn 66 next month.

And it's just as well I'm not nostalgic for things from my youth; hubby has more than enough stuff he keeps - a whole 4 bed house full.

Really really like your message slammer.
It’s spot on and I’m guessing it gives words to feelings many of us have but cannot define.
You’ve got a good soul.

My doctor and some of my family would send you to a Tai-Chi class...after the wine wears off.

I'd say, Sigur Ros is sappy like that. You need 65 Days of Static, Nick Drake, Kaleo or Anton Bruckner.

Time being wasted is a relative feeling...Working with and investing into young generations usually feels like time well invested. Try to see if you could spend a little time in some photography teaching position, or writer's group, editing kids' papers, etc. There are so many young people who need real life attention and would appreciate it from a knowledgeable person (that you are, and full of humor and a big heart)..it is not obvious to the society, but not all young people have somebody to learn from. Life is tough for them, at least as tough now as for us.

Elliot Smith or Sufjan Stevens might be better for sap.

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"L'homme ne peut pas remplacer son coeur avec sa tete, ni sa tete avec ses mains." J.H. Pestalozzi

“The only difference between a rut and a grave is a matter of depth.” S.P. Cadman

"Imagination is more important than knowledge." A. Einstein

Maybe it's the wine... I get like that sometimes if I drink, especially if I'm alone. Also, this is the time of year for warm, nostalgic melancholy, it seems.

Svefn g englar is my very favorite track by Sigur Ros. Just... exquisite. I especially love the one video where they're playing it live and he bows his guitar so beautifully. Thank you for reminding me of it actually... I hadn't heard it in quite a while.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWR-jJ3v1pk

Not into meditation that much, actually I have been doing a lot of drawing, that´s when I get into the hypnozone and can spent ten or fifteen hours at a stretch there.
(deviantart, slammer999) Thankfully I´ll be back to work on Monday with something else to worry about.

Would you kindly post a link please?

https://www.deviantart.com/search?q=Slammer999

Nostalgia's not what it used to be, back in the day...

Your paintings are absolutely beautiful.

I can definitely see a particular theme.

That’s talent.

Wow... Very nice!

My little boy has an obsession with vintage military aircraft, and he is also very impressed.

My new nickname for you is da Vinci. Again... very nice!

Perhaps a bit of Escapism

Send it the aeronautic association here, they'll.pay you to make a calendar and posters. Love the detail!

You could also escape by painting hot ladies in bikinis and send it to Pirelli!

Here comes one of these pragmatic inputs people don't really want to hear ....

What I know about you from your EF presence you left Malta because you wanted to see you grandchild more often in Germany. And it looked like fate agreed, you found a job ... lost it yet found an other one. But then fate kind of took off to take care of someone else while you are without job in a far too little home to feel comfortable in. So sure, you reminisce, cling to things from long ago and wonder where the good times have gone.

That was the first stage. You've been in it for a while now. Time to do some serious sorting out now.
So the first question is: Do you really see your grand-child that much more often than if you had to fly in from somewhere to see her? * (I think it was a girl, right?)
The second question would be: Is there a better place than Germany for you to be when finding a job is difficult and money is tight? And where do you actually have friends/mates to have some fun with?
Once you answered those two questions for yourself, you take it from there. Because if you don't, yes, probably it will be like it is now until the clogs pop. The phase has already lasted too long for you to actually just hope it will change out of the blue.
And don't give me the "it's not easy ...", nope, it is not and maybe you didn't reach your "Schmerzgrenze" (pain threshold?) yet.
59 (right?) is too early to "lay down and give up". At least find yourself a good place to do it - then it will change names to "relax and enjoy" early retirement.

As I said, a rather pragmatic post but it's what I would/will do in this situation. Do not skip question 1 and 2, they are essential.

* maybe not move to an island this time to be able to visit grand-child by motor bike without extra ferry costs etc.

edit: Just read you got a job again. Congrats! So maybe it is a phase, due to corona-confinement to you little home?

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It's all a matter or perspective.
So move your butt and look at it from the other side