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Old 03.09.2009, 08:55
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Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

?

Booyakashak it breaks my heart when people in relationships lack self respect. All the EF stories aside I know a lady who has been going out with a complete idiot for few years. I knew he was an idiot even before I met him based on what I heard from her. Once I met him all my doubts got confirmed instantly. They have never lived together. Lady plans her life around him while he puts himself first. Anyway guy dumps her saying that he wants to be free and have more freedom. Lady on the other hand is desperate to have him back. She knows that he is bad news but wants him back anyway. I have seen bad signs from the start but the lady is intentionally being blind as a bat. It's like she wants to brush everything under the carpet and have him back.

Guy is kind of ugly and knows he will have tough time doing better so he might even come back

Everyone has to live their own life so I have washed my hands and can't be polluting my own life with other peoples cr@p. You can't help someone who does not want help. Another interesting thing is that this lady is very selfish when it comes to people who genuinely care for her but when it comes to this guy she becomes a door matt I have seen people come from really broken homes and they have turned out fantastic while others from similar or even perfect backgrounds have turned out weak and with low self respect.

Let us not even bring all the topics on EF where people want their partners back who have had serious affairs and f@kd around.

So my question is why do some people have such low self respect?
Why get into things that you know will make your life more miserable in the short and long term?

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  #2  
Old 03.09.2009, 09:20
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

I wish I knew. I think though that a person lives the life that he/she wants. If I were you I would not get upset anymore but if she is unhappy you can alsways tell her it is her fault. Nobody makes choices for us, we do. And we have to learn to live with the consequences.
If I told you some stories...
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Old 03.09.2009, 09:23
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

1. Loneliness
2. Insecurity
3. Love

Any one of the above three will override self-respect. It IS hard to watch a bad relationship continue, especially when one person is a giver and the other a taker.
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Old 03.09.2009, 10:11
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

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1. Loneliness
2. Insecurity
3. Love

Any one of the above three will override self-respect. It IS hard to watch a bad relationship continue, especially when one person is a giver and the other a taker.
I completely agree with you but could having bit more self-respect take care of No.1, No.2 and dare I say No.3? Maybe people are getting the relationships they actually deserve (good and bad)? I mean yes lot of luck is involved when you start going out with someone but after a while if you continue to be in a bad relationship then you have yourself to blame....no?
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Old 03.09.2009, 10:14
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

I guess there is not a more bizarre thing than a man/woman relationship. An endlessly endless rollercoaster until one just drops dead from it all.
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Old 03.09.2009, 10:22
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

It's the age-old story and sadly, love (or what some people mistake for it) overrides everything. Being sensible goes right out the window.

It's sometimes a battle to claw yourself back to reality, but with a bit of self-discipline, it can be done.
Dev, it's hard to watch this happening and telling your friend to open her eyes just isn't going to do it. She will realise it herself eventually, but it will be a painful enlightenment.
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Old 03.09.2009, 10:31
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

Duration of relationship is also an important factor which makes us "stick or get used to" another person and it is difficult to break certain habits later... Few years is long enough to build up a relationship in which we tend to reject negative image of our spouse (no matter how bad the other partner treated us) and any advices from outside are met with lots of opposition from us. We loose self-respect in eyes of the others but we personally do not feel it that way.
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Old 03.09.2009, 10:47
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

Hey everyone! I'm i love and lovin it! that's all folks!
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Old 03.09.2009, 10:49
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

Can confirm that, see it all the time. Thing is, I think it doesn't have much to do with true love, or emotion overriding reason, it's our ability to cheat ourselves into believing something we know is not true. And the fact that most people aren't exactly just striving for happiness. We all do things we know are stupid and are not going to make us happy. I sometimes do it for the excitement, because I know I can put things back on track if needed. Sometimes for the lack of control, which I enjoy. Or just for the heck/experience of it. I am utterly convinced that all those people in bad relationships aren't (just) blinded by love that prevents them from seeing clear. They for some reason just don't want what others consider a normal, happy relationship. As with anything in life really, people aren't just going for happiness.
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Old 03.09.2009, 10:53
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

Spot on, I'd say.
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Old 03.09.2009, 10:55
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

Defining love and why people are attracted to one another is a science devoid of obvious facts and logic. (Although the "ugly" tag hinted at by the OP would be a good indication of visual aesthetics which we all indulge in).

When you are in a relationship the old adage of "there must be more" seems to apply.

When you are on your lonesome, you'd sacrifice a major limb to have someone take you under their wing.

If you are really honest with yourself (ignoring all external factors), you'd figure out that life is one big compromise in each and every facet. If you are in a loving relationship then enjoy it for what you feel it is and don't compare notes with others. When you start searching for better or more you soon realize that everything you thought was a given was fragile, possibly artificial and no longer the same.

Don't compromise on your heart, chase your dreams, but realize that you'll possibly fall flat on your face during the search. The brave get up and keeping trying, the broken hearted stay down and reminisce (or post their crap on EF). Self respect needs to be learnt; I don't believe that this module is built in as standard before they sever the umbilical.
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Old 03.09.2009, 10:56
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

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Can confirm that, see it all the time. Thing is, I think it doesn't have much to do with true love, or emotion overriding reason, it's our ability to cheat ourselves into believing something we know is not true. And the fact that most people aren't exactly just striving for happiness. We all do things we know are stupid and are not going to make us happy. I sometimes do it for the excitement, because I know I can put things back on track if needed. Sometimes for the lack of control, which I enjoy. Or just for the heck/experience of it. I am utterly convinced that all those people in bad relationships aren't (just) blinded by love that prevents them from seeing clear. They for some reason just don't want what others consider a normal, happy relationship. As with anything in life really, people aren't just going for happiness.
Do you run to others crying for help and support? If yes then it might be same
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Old 03.09.2009, 10:59
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

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Do you run to others crying for help and support? If yes then it might be same
Am a bit slow in the morning.. but what are you trying to ask me ?
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Old 03.09.2009, 11:00
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

When you are in love you dont see sense.Nothing else matters to you.

Im not saying she is right im just sharing my view of why i think things are like that
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Old 03.09.2009, 11:04
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

A wise old lady once told me...

'being in love is a sickness from which we are eventually cured'

Love is not to be confused with being in love.
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Old 03.09.2009, 11:15
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

Any or all of below:
She thinks she does not deserve better.
She knows she's imperfect as hell, so why should she expect her man to be a near-perfect person?
Better the devil she knows...
She thinks men are horrible anyway, so if she wants a life with one, she is prepared to put up with a lot.
She might have grown up in a whole family but someone along the way, insidiously or unintentionally, drummed up her sense of low self-esteem.

(Imago Relationship theory says that we choose the spouse who exhibits a combination of all the traits of our caregivers/parents hoping, this time around, to get over the friction, obstacles, unmet expectations and challenges.)
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Old 03.09.2009, 11:21
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

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Am a bit slow in the morning.. but what are you trying to ask me ?
Never mind I was playing with you

What I am saying is that if you are in a relationship (god or bad with or without genuine love) and if you are convinced that you are happy then that is fine. Even if you are living a lie at least you are happy in that lie.

Personally I have issues living a lie so it won't float my boat properly but I understand that we are all different.

On the other hand if you are crying and asking others for help about the relationship then it is obvious that it ain't working FFS.

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Any or all of below:
She thinks she does not deserve better.
She knows she's imperfect as hell, so why should she expect her man to be a near-perfect person?
Better the devil she knows...
She thinks men are horrible anyway, so if she wants a life with one, she is prepared to put up with a lot.
She might have grown up in a whole family but someone along the way, insidiously or unintentionally, drummed up her sense of low self-esteem.

(Imago Relationship theory says that we choose the spouse who exhibits a combination of all the traits of our caregivers/parents hoping, this time around, to get over the friction, obstacles, unmet expectations and challenges.)
Very interesting post dear Argus
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Old 03.09.2009, 11:29
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

Ok, got it now. But I disagree. Some people aren't just fooling themselves into the belief that they are happy. They are just really not going towards happiness. They know their relationship is going to make them miserable most of the time, but they still go for it.
That's what I was trying to say.
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  #19  
Old 03.09.2009, 11:33
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

Have you guys read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood? It explains some of the mechanisms behind this type of behavior.

And I don’t think it necessarily applies just to women ...
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Old 03.09.2009, 11:35
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Re: Don't people have self respect? (relationships)

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Ok, got it now. But I disagree. Some people aren't just fooling themselves into the belief that they are happy. They are just really not going towards happiness. They know their relationship is going to make them miserable most of the time, but they still go for it.
That's what I was trying to say.
So kind of knowingly wanting to be unhappy and miserable? Why do some of them then say that they want to be in a happy and genuinely loving relationship? Sorry to be harsh to such people but something don't seem right up there
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