So it's Monday morning and after the roast dinner (complete with sprouts) last night I am feeling a little gassy, stomach slightly swollen and pressing uncomfortably onto my trouser buttons. The solution is of course to fart.
However I am at work, sitting at my desk across from and next to my work collegues who will obviously notice if I let off a ripper.

So I think to myself, it's time to stand up and wander into the kitchen, which hopefully will be empty, to get a drink. Sure enough the kitchen is empty, so its time for dust off.
A quick trouser breather and I am feeling much better, the stink is terrible however and I am just about to make my hasty retreat when my boss appears from nowhere and opens his mouth to speak, and a look of death comes over his face.
We both stand there looking slightly embarrassed, aware that I am the cause of the stench before politely carrying on with our Monday morning pleasantries.


So go on, tell me your inopportune fart moments.


fake edit: Going to the toilet to break wind is a silly suggestion.

a quite yoga room

After suffering a crushing defeat at the hands of the French on Saturday, I proceeded to drown my sorrows (Well, in truth, I started well before kickoff) in 10-12 pints of Guinness. Yesterday was not a good one. I live on my own, but still had to take a number of short balcony breaks...

I'll never drink again.


Disclaimer: In the above statement, the term "never" refers only to the period of time between Sunday February 14th, 2010 and Wednesday February 17th, 2010, between the hours of 02:00 and 17:30 Central European Time

Job interview, first date, second date, meeting the in-laws, elevators,escalators (especially going up), crowded train..when is the right time ???

whilst being attended to in the trouser lingusitics department by a rather lovely blonde lady ...

oh how we laughed .... not

Just put headset on so you don't hear it or more scientific approach.

• Not as relevant in CH, but in a cubicle just before the boss shows up with a new cute employee

• during a massage

• at a demonstration of a gas-suppressing supplement

Unless of course it is a variety show watched by millions

when I was about 9 years old and one of my mums friends husbands was helping me with my maths homework. The latter half of the lesson I'd spent clenching as had wind brewing, and I guess I was looking a bit uncomfortable which he took for me not understanding the maths...etc. Anyway, finally got it all done and when i stood up, did a huge and very noisy trump.....could not blame it on a squeaky chair or shoes. I being of tender age was quite mortified, he just looked at me and politely asked if I needed to use the toilet before I went home. I said no thanks and made a hasty retreat, and never asked for help with my homework again.

__________________
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

the lift is the worst, i remember being in a hotel once, it was a posh one too. the lift was huge and had gold trimmings, it had floor to ceiling mirrors so even if you tried to avoid looking at anyone, it was impossible. I often look up in lifts, well i could see everyone's reactions when we were sure someone had let one go...



it is true, the silent ones are the deadliest..





ps. my farts smell of roses, of course

Revenge time.

I was a teacher of 14 to 18 year olds in England. When I needed to fart in lessons I would stand next to the student who had given me the most grief that lesson and do a massive SBD (silent but deadly). Then I would say loudly, "Phew, someone has a funny tummy today". No one ever blamed the teacher.

Of course this technique cannot be used too often.

during a shiatsu massage course when everyone was dead quiet concentrating and my wife pressed down on the old point 5 and 6 in the stomach region

problem was we both couldn't stop laughing our heads off - was friggin hilarious - and luckily the others (i believe) saw the lighter side of it

please don't be giving Dougal's breakfast any ideas!

....at the hairdresser after deciding to hold it in (but it's too eager), when she leaves to get you a coffee but instantly returns (pre-dispersal) to ask if you want milk or sugar. This obviously has not happened to me. Obviously.

Are you sure?

Our spouses know best and recognize it... little innocent "psssssssssssss" calls out for evacuation of room inhabitants otherwise domestic violence might lead to casualties amongst civilians

In a gondola

During a squash game, 5 setter preferably. A strategically placed fart could easily turn the game around

Mmm chicken tikka masala ...

8.30 on a Friday morning, in a bright classroom in Athens, in front of a group of 18 - 25 year old women, all of them silent, gazing expectantly with their big brown Balkan eyes at their young and slightly nervous teacher who is about the start the first lesson of the semester.

I shall never drink Amstel again.