To the dog: Yes i like you but i dont want you to sit on me when im in front of my laptop.

To the cats: You have food and water. Why the f*** are you crying at 3 in the morning?

To the other half: Wake up!! The day its almost over and you are still in bed?

To lots of people here: Use the search button!!!

To any one of the numerous PhD students using our system: Regarding your query, please have your mother call us. She is apparently much more experienced at solving your problems than you are.

Why can't you say those things? I tell my cats daily what I think about their habit of waking me up half an hour before I was planning to get up. Not that it makes any difference, but nevertheless.

To some people on this board:

You're weird.

"No, really, I think we should try the jabba the hut outfit tonight in bed... it's just sooooo sexy..."

To my cat: just eat the dry food and stop strategically starving yourself in the hope of something better.

Mine was just doing this yesterday after getting a serious brushing and bath. Definitely was of the opinion that something else had better be on the menu.

to sygirl : let's meet for manor breakfast

to slaphead : 10 to 6?







can't say it as i can't afford the plane ticket...

How the **** did you manage to become an IT Manager while knowing so little about IT or management?

"Crikey, you've really piled on the pounds these last few years darling..."


EDIT: Note to partner who lurks on here - "Just kidding sweetheart !"

EDIT 2: Can someone please check on me in a few days time ?

No , i really dont want another piece of chocolate/cake/etc thank you.

ps ; yes its growing back nicely.

I'd love to say this to someone who has just broken wind, preferably someone in a queue somewhere public, like the post office.:

(Really loud) Excuse me, did you just fart?

I wish I could say

SHUT UP YOU F**CKING A**HOLES!!!

to the dumba**es who scream outside the bar across the street and wake up my daughter. Then drop a dozen water balloons on their gelled hair. But my windows are within range of half filled beer cans.

...and the obvious on topic reply.

"Yeah, that was me...I just farted, what do you reckon, egg and onion or cabbage ?"

people ask me that all the time...

"Oh just get on with it". But only when I'm working the Samaritan's switchboard.

To myself : Stop wasting time reading pointless threads and get a life.

To many, many women:
"Your eyebrows not only completely disfigure you, but also instantly tell anyone who looks at you that you have self-esteem issues." As soon as I can operationalise a study to prove this observation, I will.

"Skinny jeans are not for everyone. In fact, they are for almost nobody. Dito for leggings, treggings, sarouel trousers, high-waisted anything, and pretty much any other fashion trend you are misguidedly following."

To general public - if someone has just mentioned that they do not eat meat then saying "But if you like animals so much, why do you eat all their food, he he" is not really that funny and original. Wasn't the first 300 times I heard it, is not getting any better with age either.

To all these people with cats: They stink. Vile creatures.


IT WAS the cat getting married that finally pushed me over some furry edge. I don't like cats. I've never liked cats. And if my past behaviour is an indicator of my future performance - as "behavioural interviewing", a process which is all the buzz in recruitment these days, seems to think it is - well, I'll never like cats.
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