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Old 31.08.2010, 10:20
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Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

Exactly one year ago, I got my heart smashed to smithereens in the most unpleasant circumstances with far too many issues and "why this shouldn't have happened you selfish %&?*!!!" to go into. For various reasons, I generally feel that people and in particular men can't really be trusted, not in a "I hate all men way" but more in a "don't expect anything and just do your own thing" sense. So this was another thing and it has really had a profound effect on me, including pushing away anyone who ever tries to get close to me and not allowing myself to feel anything like a romantic emotion. I think I'm sort of ok with this modus operandi but - other people aren't. And I understand that it is hurtful for someone, especially friends, when a person basically gives off a "if you are here, fine, if you are not here, also fine" vibe.

Sometimes I also think that, if I don't sort this out now, I'll never get away from this way of seeing things. On the other hand, it's easier this way, the biggest nuisance is, as I said, other people trying to convince you that "that special someone is out there". He might be, yeah, but I'm hoping he won't find me as I feel I can't deal with being hurt like that again. But maybe I'll miss something that is important in life.

So, because there is a range of people of all ages here, I wonder how you dealt with this sort of situation, what made you trust again or maybe what made you NEVER trust again. Also - why is it so important for people to believe in "the one true love" when reality shows us it doesn't really work most of the time?
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Old 31.08.2010, 10:33
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

The reason why people should trust again is because not only are there trustworthy people in the world, but I can't imagine what kind of dead-inside, joyless shell of a person someone would become if they trusted no-one, and never let anyone else in. **** happens, you get hurt, and then get over it... that's life. Learn from it and apply those things to the next relationship... that's all anyone can ever do.

As for why this whole "you'll meet the one" thing is still pushed... I think it's an integral part of many peoples desires to fall in love and meet the one person who is going to look after them and be there for them throughout life. Never having to worry about being alone again, always having someone to rely on... whether realistic or not, these are things many people would jump at if they had the chance.

Personally I think all "The One" really is, is a perfect combination and marriage of physical and personality traits that probably make for around 0.5% of the people you ever meet. When you factor in that you may not be their perfect option, or that they may already be attached, or not even notice you exist... then the chances further slim down into oblivion. I know it's possible, and I really hope I meet that person, but I have to accept it might not happen. I do, however, live in hope.

"Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all", as they say... unless of course you got married, divorced and royally ****ed over, in which case that quote probably holds little meaning.
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Old 31.08.2010, 11:12
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

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So, because there is a range of people of all ages here, I wonder how you dealt with this sort of situation, what made you trust again or maybe what made you NEVER trust again.
Sorry to hear of the experience.

I understand where you're coming. I went with someone for six years before they dumped me for somebody else in my third year of University. Over the phone! On my birthday!
She wasn't a bad person really. We were both at college at the other end of the country. A few months later she wanted to get back together but my pride wouldn't let me and we continued on our separate ways. Might not have seemed it at the time but the way things ended up I'm glad things turned out as they did.

There's no magic answer here. People have skins of different thicknesses. Some feel more hurt than others, for longer than others. Some can pick themselves up and move on immediately. For others it's a case of once bitten twice shy.

What made me sluff off the rejection? Well I was young for a start and young people bounce back easier. Older people are bound to be more cautious. But if it happened later in life I guess it would come down to whether the fear of being rejected again was bigger than the fear of spending the rest of my life alone. Eventually one side would win out, in my case probably the latter.

I wouldn't be so arrogant as to tell you that pushing back all the time is compounding the hurt of the original rejection. Only you can tell when you're ready. Just take it in your own time and try and keep the door open.
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Old 31.08.2010, 11:25
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

A long time ago I learned that trust is something you decide to do, there is only a few instances when you can say someone "earned" your trust.
As for "romantic" relationships, once the trust is broken for it is goodbye, son long tschuusli, I can't trust again. About friends it really depends on the issue, I have stopped talking to "friends" because they have stolen from me as why would I put up with that? or because they tried being abusive which I just don't tolerate. I can really hold a grudge but once a person apologises I tend to let it go, this has to be a legitimate sorry though.
I would recommend though as Richdog said to open your heart and be positive in thiking that even though you have had bad experiences, and believe me everyone does, there are people who are worth your trust. You just have to listen to your heart, us women know when we are being lied to and when we cannot trust but sometimes chose not to listen, don't do that
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Old 31.08.2010, 11:32
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

I feel your pain sista!
Can't really give you any solid advice since I've been struggling with exactly the same for.. humm.. also one year. I'm just going to throw in the classic clique; Time heals. And there is nothing wrong with taking a long time for yourself to pull yourself together before you risk your heart again.
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Old 31.08.2010, 11:52
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

Kittster FTW...

I don't believe there is that "special one" I think you find a mate and that's about it.

I have gotten hurt more than one time.. being and endless romantic through infancy/teenage years/young adulthood... I finally wised up and just gave up on the whole issue of "the one true love" and stuff. It seems that it is just an idea that is imposed to get you to work "while" that appears. Sorta like a carrot on a stick....

I do sometimes miss that somewhat special feeling of being "in love" or having this expectation and hopes and whatever....

I sadly, don't have any good advise for you on how to make this better.
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Old 31.08.2010, 11:58
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

I think when I was younger, I saw too much of the wrong side of relationships, all except for that of my parents.

I saw the guys who were separated from their wives due to duty (on short-term assignment) or who had spouses who for whatever reason would not move, even when on long term assignment. I think this gave me a very cynical outlook on relationships in general and it stuck for a long long time.

When I finally decided to try to trust a guy, he burned me hard. It was long distance but before I even gave him a chance, we had a lot of discussions about what I was looking for... He used the distance to his advantage, having a lot of "girlfriends" come to visit him in between my opportunities to visit. When I found out, I realized that what he wanted was different than me, so I played it safe (health wise) and tried to accept things as they were (spending time together was THAT good and my hopes he'd come to see the importance of OUR relationship were that strong). The last straw though was when he called me at work to tell me that another girl had just miscarried his baby.

So, it took a while to trust again, even a little. My husband was at me for a couple of years before I'd spend any personal time with him. I still don't trust completely, thankfully he loves me enough that we can work through it together.


In order to get there though, I had to completely change my life. I started doing activities which were very different from before. Some of the changes were not so good (more time - too much time - spent at home) and some were good (took a chance on trying to go back to school) but if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't have been ready for love when I found it and it found me.
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Old 31.08.2010, 12:29
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

We all faced a similar situation at some time in our life. So let me try my personal answer to this. It may or nor apply to you.
But there is one thing that you need to know before reading any further: everything will depend from you wanting to take something out of this situation or not. It's up to you to decide if you want to learn from the experience before deciding if you want to "heal" from the experience.

Part 1: what is love?
Not a trivial question. But you can have 2 perceptions of love. One is driven by desire, desire of something that makes you suffer if he/she is not here. it's the "i miss you" as a way to say "i love you". Once you fullfil your desire, you don't feel the same intensity. The second perception of love is driven by "joy". You feel your whole soul full of joy just because the object of your love exists. This joy gives you also the power to overcome the daily life. You rejoice at the existence of this person/object.
If we make a comparison, the first type of love is like hunger and the second type of love is like "appetite". You eat because you are hungry or you eat because you have good appetite. The former is a lack the later is joy.

Part 2: are you hungry or do you have appetite?
Today you lost appetite, because you took something poisonous that made you sick. Your friends are telling you that are other dishes outside, that your new favourite food is for sure outside. You are probaly hungry from time to time, but this does not help you. You need appetite again.

Part 3: so what now?
Now you need to learn what type of food you'd like to have in the future, what allergies do you have, what type of diet you need. Your body/soul needs to learn again having appetite. It takes time...that's why it's a good healer. To learn again you need to analyze your experience and take something out of it.

So it's my simple (simplistic) way of seeing things, hope it can help you rejoice at life again.
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Old 31.08.2010, 12:41
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

I've always thought that the notion of the one true love is created by all the silly chick flick films in Hollywood - and definitely proven so rightly, as I grow older and learnt several sharp lessons.

Whoever sees what happens in Pretty Woman after Richard Gere "rescued" Julia Roberts from her street walking profession? Or after Patrick Swayze had that wonderful last dance with Jennifer Grey in Drty Dancing?

Purlease.

Love and relationships are HARD work. I say bollocks to people who say otherwise. And the pain is like no other when it ends, especially if you've put in your heart and soul in it - and can definitely empathise if you have problems trusting that species again for quite some time. I find it very very hard to trust a person once something unpleasant happens (be it a relationship or even friendships). In fact, I admit that I have a defense mechanism that shut them out of my life for good - which is bad because people do deserve second chances. But I guess its my mind's subconscious way of protecting myself from being hurt again.

You are on a good path though - realising what is happening around you and want to make positive changes. Just focus on being more aware about the people closest to you and make sure that they understand what you're going through and provide the appropriate support. Real friends will never abandon you no matter what but dont mistake their nonchalance as not caring. They might just want give you space.

You just need the time to work through that maze and come out much stronger and wiser.

Take all the time you need.
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Old 31.08.2010, 13:00
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

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Take all the time you need.
The answer, in a nutshell.

Some things can't be forced - trust is one of them. It comes when it's ready, and not before.
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Old 31.08.2010, 13:03
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

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Part 1: what is love?

I would like to contribute the following to this question:



Have I mentioned that my defense mechanism when things get too serious is to just be ridiculous and childish?
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Old 31.08.2010, 13:25
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

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Have I mentioned that my defense mechanism when things get too serious is to just be ridiculous and childish?
You didn't need to, we see it every time something related to women, sex or relationships pops up.
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Old 31.08.2010, 13:31
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

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You didn't need to, we see it every time something related to women, sex or relationships pops up.

Eyy.... I resent that.... I mean, it's true but still.....

sorry kittster for having derailed ur thread a bit ..
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Old 31.08.2010, 14:01
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

I think it is a rare occasion as we get older not to have been burned in one way or another. If you don't get burned, it means you didn't put yourself out there. And as a result, you missed out on something. Whether it would have been better than what you are experiencing now is hard to say-hindsight is always 20/20. Experiences, good and bad, always teach you something. Maybe it isn't what you wanted to know, but you at least know for the next time.

I was burned badly about 10 years ago. I mean, really badly. And of course, I look back and say, I should have known it was coming. But I blissfully ignored the signs and what happened happened. To this day, I still have not let myself fall back off that cliff (so to speak). I think I am waiting for someone to prove to me that they deserve that last piece of me and I haven't felt that (yet). I happily still hold out for that one love. I won't settle. And I enjoy exploring a bit in the meantime. hehe.

But I have trusted again. Because for me, the alternative is much worse. The void created by not trusting and not having any meaningful relationships is a cold, dark way to go through the world. It may be an easier way, but it will be far less fulfilling.

You will know when the time is right. Only you. No one can tell you when it happens. No one can tell you who it will happen with either. And you have to trust yourself first and foremost. Be aware of how you may be sabotaging yourself. That is what matters. Then you will get out of your own way at some point. when it feels right...

Last edited by JLF; 31.08.2010 at 14:36.
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Old 31.08.2010, 17:18
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

Thank you for all the thoughtful responses, it's always good to hear from someone who is a bit "removed" from the issue, to get some perspective.

I knew I would be a bit sad today, so I arranged for some nice things to do to cheer me up. And I thought I could have a bit of a think of how I want to proceed from here. It baffles me that this thing that happened still has me in tears now - I'm normally someone who will try and rationalise EVERYTHING as far as they can, solving things with my head. But this thing, it's all heart and I'm not very good at that. Like Begga said, it feels like not knowing what path to choose and trying to figure out with your head where to go. I suspect that the head does not have the answer but it just seems so much safer.

The time thing is relevant, I agree, it's just hard when the world around you feels they have to speed time up for you. I think I'd be utterly useless at a relationship now, more so than usual, as I'd bail at the first sign of things not working or suspicion that there could be ulterior motives. And yet, I also have this "secret" wish for the Hollywood knight in shining armour that will go out of his way to prove that not all men are bad but let's be honest, that's a bit like some men think that women are actually Jenna Jameson once you get their clothes off. It's not going to happen and I'd worry that I'm just a "project" for the guy. In my opinion, a relationship is best WITHOUT co-dependency and the shadow of disappointments past looming over it.

Regarding the dying alone - we all die alone. And nobody is lonelier than the person left behind. I've seen that with quite a few elderly friends and family, it's heartbreaking. My grandfather has been alone for twenty years now, yes, he has a lot of friends, but he's never had that "special someone" again.
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Old 31.08.2010, 17:32
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

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But this thing, it's all heart and I'm not very good at that.
Nobody is. That's why affairs of the heart are so bloody hard - and why they are so delightful when they work out.

The trick is to enjoy what you have while you have it, without worrying too much about the future. You got over heartaches in the past and survived - if it all comes crashing down around your head you'll survive this too. So just do what works while it works, and worry about the bad stuff when/if it happens.

As far as being ready for a relationship is concerned, you never will be. Nobody is. After my little upset a few years ago, I wanted a companion, and had convinced myself that I'd found someone suitable a few times, but I certainly wasn't looking for love. I wanted no part of that horrible, soul destroying madness that had led me into so much trouble in the past.

Yet, after a wonderful evening of conversation turned into a week long fling, and the week long fling turned into a proper relationship, and the proper relationship turned into an engagement, and the engagement turned into a marriage, after all this I realised that love, after all, is what I wanted, and what I got.

If you'd told me that this would happen at that fateful Fasnacht, of course, I'd have laughed in your face. But so it goes.

Sometimes life has its own way of announcing that it's the right time.

Left to our own judgment, few of us would commit ourselves to a proper relationship, always being convinced that "we're not ready" or that "we're not suited to these kinds of things".

We never are, never will be. So what? Do it anyway.
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Old 31.08.2010, 17:39
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

"...I generally feel that people and in particular men can't really be trusted..."
"...not all men are bad but let's be honest..."

Is this for real?

Perhaps men aren't the problem but the choice of man. Good luck.

"And any time you feel the pain,
Hey Jude, refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.

For now you know that it's a fool
Who plays it cool by making his world a little colder.
Da da da da da da da da da da..."
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Old 31.08.2010, 17:46
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

There are loads of decent men out there * - they are not all cretins!!

One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, girl.........!









*Well, I know one, at least.
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Old 31.08.2010, 17:53
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

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"...I generally feel that people and in particular men can't really be trusted..."
Shitty childhood, less than brilliant teens, yadda yadda, long story, violins optional.

One of the reasons I'm veering on the "this whole love thing is not for me" is that I feel I'm not able to get away from my empirical evidence and give someone the benefit of the doubt. I've done it, it blew up in my face, so I feel I better not try again. Some people are also hard to live with and I think I'm one of those individuals, a bit of a damaged good. Maybe I'm cynical but I feel that, in our society, everyone is aiming for the least amount of liability for a maximum return. So if someone is chronically ill or has some issues that the partner can't do anything about, it's not worth the trouble.

But then I miss having someone that I can make happy, make the world a little more special for, someone to share things with, to tell about that great thing I saw when I get home. I don't expect them to be here all the time, but to have someone who's there, it's a nice feeling. But being nice and friendly seems to be a fast ticket to being a doormat and I wonder how you can gauge between healthy selfishness and being "the person whom the other person always has to run after". It's all very complicated.
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Old 31.08.2010, 19:32
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Re: Trusting people again after you've been disappointed - how did you manage it?

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Shitty childhood, less than brilliant teens, yadda yadda, long story, violins optional.

One of the reasons I'm veering on the "this whole love thing is not for me" is that I feel I'm not able to get away from my empirical evidence and give someone the benefit of the doubt. I've done it, it blew up in my face, so I feel I better not try again. Some people are also hard to live with and I think I'm one of those individuals, a bit of a damaged good. Maybe I'm cynical but I feel that, in our society, everyone is aiming for the least amount of liability for a maximum return. So if someone is chronically ill or has some issues that the partner can't do anything about, it's not worth the trouble.

But then I miss having someone that I can make happy, make the world a little more special for, someone to share things with, to tell about that great thing I saw when I get home. I don't expect them to be here all the time, but to have someone who's there, it's a nice feeling. But being nice and friendly seems to be a fast ticket to being a doormat and I wonder how you can gauge between healthy selfishness and being "the person whom the other person always has to run after". It's all very complicated.

I think that when it gets to that point, or when someone's life gets to that "place," the thing to do is to devote yourself to becoming your own best friend. Do things you enjoy, don't worry about getting into things you don't like to do.

Next is to look for other people who enjoy doing the things you do. Generally if you are truly having a good time though, others will gravitate toward you and some of them will become your friend - no need to look for them usually.

The rest happens relatively naturally - as long as you are truly enjoying yourself. You don't have to rush, you don't have to look... when you are ready, love will find you.

So far as running after someone vs being chased, I think with the right person, it is a little bit of both. I know though that for hubby and I, we started out with him chasing me but now it is more a balance. I don't see anything wrong with letting yourself be chased for a while... particularly if you are up front about not being ready to settle.
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