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Old 07.10.2010, 22:56
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Living a nightmare, please help!

I have no idea where to start, but here i go.
2 years ago i was a woman visiting a friend in zurich who met a wonderful man. We met, fell in love and we started living together it was all too fast but i was living in such fairy tale that nothing else matter to me. He proposed and while looking details about the wedding (the marriage permit was taking long) i got pregnant, still super happy and in love until he started changing.
** Note: He has a difficulty using his arms, hands etc. **
At the begining of the relation he asked me for no help at all, but i wanted to make him feel released from the stress of dressing up and some things that he can do, but cost him much effort. So after getting pregnant he started demanding all these help in a much agresive way no please, but hurry up i need to get dressed now and so on. He also has a son that was living with us because the mom has problems with alcohol so i had to start waking up early and prepare the kid for school because he wanted to sleep and he started going out with friends at night and i also wanted to meet my friends for caffe and talk and he will respond that i cant because i have to take care of his son. Still in love and stupid i was allowing that to happen. Also because of his problem he is 100% IV which means he has almost no money and I (illegally because i was not married) started to work as babysitter, or whatever i could to help the finances and in the moment i receive the money he will ask for it and i was always with empty pockets. He was making all posible for me not to handle money so i have no where to go. The baby came and things started to get better, we got married and we decided to go to my country to spend some time (that was going to release financial presure because his money was worthed much more thare than here) To my surprise the pill failed and got pregnant again. things again started to get bad because i was a prisioner in my own country in 8 months i couldnt get to see any of my friends, and i had to ask for permission to visit my parents and if he give me permission i had no permission to take the car so my mom had to picked me up. Im writing and cant help ask myself how i allowed all that to happen, but i did. anyways we returned to switz with the promiss we will go to therapy and try to make all better but now with profesional help. Instead of that here he ia even worse, he is verbally abusive im no lmore than a s***t when he gets angry he starts yelling so loud my son now a year starts crying ans i ask him to calm down but he says he doesnt care etc.
So now i reaches bottom and told him i wanted to go back to my country and he told me if i leave him he will never send me the alimente for the kids and i need to see how to go back. the funny thing is that i only get money when im sent to pay the parking spot and he knows that i have no way to go back and he receives from the IV 700 fr per kid. i have no where to go, nobosy to talk to because since we started he managed to keep me far from all the friends i have made and now i dont have the phone numbers etc.
Any idea of what can i do? I called the hausfrau and they tell me they can help, has anybody heard about it? im pregnant with 8 months of baby #2, what will happen if i leave my husband? Im afraid he fight for the kids, i mean he cant take care of them because he needs help self for getting dressed, but he is swiss and i die if he take my babies. who will pay for the hospital? how do i get divorse? he is so agresive that im afraid to tell him again i want to go. because last time he told me to go now and i had no money even for the train or any idea where to go.
I forgot to mention that since we came back we havent been able to find apartment and we are living with his mom and they have me under the loop at the point that my mother sent me some documents and my mother in law gave the the letter open.

Any advise is welcome, thank you in advance.

Last edited by Longbyt; 12.10.2010 at 22:06. Reason: Removed keyword
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Old 07.10.2010, 23:03
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

Leave. This is considered emotional abuse - the cutting off of your resources etc. Take your kid and go back to your home country and start anew. initiate divorce proceedings from there. You've got the support there, two hands and legs - you wont starve. Let him dare try come after you.

Last edited by summerrain; 07.10.2010 at 23:14.
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Old 07.10.2010, 23:10
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

Sorry to hear your sad story. First thing to do is to try to resolve your differences. If that does not work, then get a divorce.

My understanding is that Switzerland is much like the US when it comes to divorce. Property is divided equally, and the party that has more money (or made more money during the marriage) has to pay alimony (support the spouce). If the kids are living with you, then the father will have to pay child support. If he can not afford it, then the state will step in and pay. You will NOT be left standing on the streets with two children.

My advice is to talk to a divorce lawyer or a marriage counselor.
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Old 07.10.2010, 23:13
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

My advice is to talk to a divorce lawyer or a marriage counselor.[/QUOTE]


thank you for your replay, any suggestion of lawyer? in my country the first consultation is free because is merely to expose your case, but i know in the states even a question by phone is charged, any idea how is here?
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Old 07.10.2010, 23:19
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

honestly reinita, i would go back to mexico and take your kids with you. it sounds like he is not stable at all and you are really in a corner here, and in the end your children are suffering from his abuse. at least in your country you have your family support and can deal with things from there. the money is important, especially for all the help you've given and for his own children, but first and foremost, i think, is the happiness, health and wellbeing of you and your children.

best of luck
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Old 07.10.2010, 23:29
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

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honestly reinita, i would go back to mexico and take your kids with you. it sounds like he is not stable at all and you are really in a corner here, and in the end your children are suffering from his abuse. at least in your country you have your family support and can deal with things from there. the money is important, especially for all the help you've given and for his own children, but first and foremost, i think, is the happiness, health and wellbeing of you and your children.

best of luck
Maybe i was not so clear, what keeps me here is not that im waiting for him to give me money, im 8 months pregnant i cant travel anymore and i was asking if anybody knows how can i do it because if i leave him and he cuts my ensurance, what can i do? of course i will go with or without his financial help but right now i need to know with whom to talk. meaning lawyer etc. if anybody had a divorse and can advise. that is the real point
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Old 07.10.2010, 23:34
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

I'm not used to abusing my gf....but I googled the proper authority in Zurich...http://www.ist.zh.ch/content/interne...t/de/home.html

Let me know if you need help with the language.
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Old 07.10.2010, 23:34
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

ah- didn't understand that, i thought you had two babies already. unfortunately, i don't know for your area, but i have a friend who (during a bad time in her former marriage here in lausanne) had gone to a safe house for women were they received counseling and help for themselves and their children. maybe other posters know something like this closer to you...

in any case, stay strong and take care of yourself for your little ones- hopefully this will turn around for you soon!
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Old 07.10.2010, 23:36
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

I am sorry that you are in such a difficult situation.
I suggest you look at the Information and Help Centres on here and see if you can get advice from the experts.
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Old 07.10.2010, 23:36
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

Sorry to hear about your story. Difficult to find the solution to personal problems on the interweb but soothing words of consolation will do...

You need a good lawyer who speaks your language so that you won't get screwed his way, I'm afraid... It might cost but at the end if you win the case he will have to pay all the costs.

If you believe there is no way out from this vicious circle and divorce seems the only tangible solution, I would leave. Afterall, the happiness is the most important factor and will make you make more sensible decisions in the future. Irony, sometimes coming to the country where everything superficially seems to be perfect and running smooth is an illusion. I see few couples on daily basis here unhappy. Older man with money is a sponsor for foreigner coming from less priviledged economically country to offer heaven but it becomes a trap. Older or sickly man needs somebody to take care of... There is always a catch and tit for tat.Switzerland with its dubious greatness can not think money can buy everything neither love for that reason. Take care of yourself and kids. Hope you will make a right decision and get out of this predicament.
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Old 07.10.2010, 23:36
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

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ah- didn't understand that, i thought you had two babies already. unfortunately, i don't know for your area, but i have a friend who (during a bad time in her former marriage here in lausanne) had gone to a safe house for women were they received counseling and help for themselves and their children. maybe other posters know something like this closer to you...

in any case, stay strong and take care of yourself for your little ones- hopefully this will turn around for you soon!
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Old 07.10.2010, 23:43
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

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ah- didn't understand that, i thought you had two babies already. unfortunately, i don't know for your area, but i have a friend who (during a bad time in her former marriage here in lausanne) had gone to a safe house for women were they received counseling and help for themselves and their children. maybe other posters know something like this closer to you...

in any case, stay strong and take care of yourself for your little ones- hopefully this will turn around for you soon!

Gracias, espero que esto acabe pronto por que ya solo estoy esperando el nacimiento de mi hijo para poder salir de este infierno.
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Old 07.10.2010, 23:45
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

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Gracias, espero que esto acabe pronto por que ya solo estoy esperando el nacimiento de mi hijo para poder salir de este infierno.
Cuidate nena, y dejame saber si necesitas algun ayudo.
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Old 07.10.2010, 23:51
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

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Cuidate nena, y dejame saber si necesitas algun ayudo.
muchisimas gracias, estoy leyendo los links que has mandado, muy utiles. hablare por telefono mañana por que no puedo salir a ningun lado sin que el se de cuenta. si puedo irme a la casa de mujeres antes de dar a luz entonces sera muy bueno para mi.
mil gracias de nuevo
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Old 07.10.2010, 23:53
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

You are 8mo pregnant with a toddler on top, your home is unsafe for you, your child and your unborn child. You don't know how this violent man is going to act out tomorrow. This illness has some serious impact on people's mental health. Contact the gemeinde immediately. Authorities have a very good system here how to help somebody who is in a violent situation. Take important documents with you and your child and go to your gemeinde. I am sorry you are going through this. Don't be afraid, you will be helped. If that man is violent with you, does not mind making your child cry, etc. it does not sound you and your child are his priority. Good luck and surround yourself with people, don't stay alone.
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Last edited by Longbyt; 12.10.2010 at 22:17. Reason: key word removed
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Old 07.10.2010, 23:56
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

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muchisimas gracias, estoy leyendo los links que has mandado, muy utiles. hablare por telefono mañana por que no puedo salir a ningun lado sin que el se de cuenta. si puedo irme a la casa de mujeres antes de dar a luz entonces sera muy bueno para mi.
mil gracias de nuevo
No problem...
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Old 08.10.2010, 00:09
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

bueno nena, cualquier cosa- escríbeme si necesita algo. la vida no es fácil, yo se y peor lejo de su gente. ahora hay que hacer la leña del árbol caído y buscar la manera de ser fuerte por los niñitos... digo yo que es mejor a halarse con el niño a un lugar lejo de su esposo y la mamá, but only you can make a decision on what you need right now.
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Old 08.10.2010, 00:44
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

Can we have translations for the Spanish please. I appreciate that a sympathetic ear is very nice to have at the moment, but this is the English Forum and those are four Spanish posts.
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Old 08.10.2010, 00:49
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

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Can we have translations for the Spanish please. I appreciate that a sympathetic ear is very nice to have at the moment, but this is the English Forum and those are four Spanish posts.
Basically...we told her to hang in there and if she needs any help to pm either one of us (Amaraya, me)....she responded that she's thankful for the links and that she will contact the authorities tomorrow as she cannot leave the house because of him.
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Old 08.10.2010, 00:58
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Re: Living a nightmare, please help!

can i summarize?

op-i hope this ends soon i am only waiting for the birth of my child so that i can leave this hell.

lib- take care of yourself and let me know if you need help

op-thanks for the links-very useful, i will call tomorrow because i can't go anywhere without him knowing. if i can leave before i give birth, even better for me.

ama-if you need anything contact me, i know it's not easy, especially away from your family, but now you have make a move for doing the best for your kids.
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