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Old 20.10.2017, 22:30
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Incident during our absence

We came back from relaxing holidays in Spain just to face the horror.

During our absence 20’s old (my wife’s son) decided to throw a party with friends, despite being told three times not to do so. Drinks, drugs, Red Bull were present ... God knows what else this youth were thinking to take.

Coming back home saw the car utterly destroyed. Rear bumper completely crashed and needs replacement, trunk indented also needs complete replacement, two doors indented on the left side and undersides damaged and also both need replacement. House full of empty bottles and cigarette stench everywhere. Some furnitures damaged.

Drunk and stoned irresponsible youngster without driver’s license bumped three nearby cars on parking lot trying to reverse and was reported by neighbours to the police shortly after trying to escape. Cut long story short, he appeared at the police station and were asked to apologize to the neighbours plus pay all the damages. He doesn’t have a job and needs to find one. He must report regularly back at the police station and update on his progress with social rehabilitation.

I was totally pissed off and we sent him away to cousins in hope he grows up and faces reality of life. Rude awakening so to speak.

Coming back to the car story. Rather old 2006 E90 BMW 325i with 143,000km on odometer but in excellent condition after service new brake pads and spark plugs installed. No full casco and only house hold insurance for accidents. I hoped to drive the car for few more years but now I need to change it. They quoted me 7...10kCHF in Switzerland and 5kCHF in Germany for repairs. Wondering if it’s worth it at all. No go is my conclusion!

Totally emotionally drained thinking to myself how family member could have done something idiotic and immature like that. Lost trust and lack of respect besides material damage. You try to teach them something useful in life and that’s how you get rewarded. Stupidity has no boundaries.
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Old 20.10.2017, 22:45
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Re: Incident during our absence

Hope you added your bills to the total he owes.

And shouldn't this be in the complaints section of the forum?

Question is - is this typical behaviour for him or a one off? If a one off then yes, maybe he'll learn. If it's typical then he's never likely to.

Shame your holiday has been spoiled through such inconsiderate behaviour.
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Old 20.10.2017, 22:48
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Re: Incident during our absence

That is awful, Jacek. Horrible to come home to such damage.

Was he sorry? How did he explain what he did? Sounds like he is incredibly immature and really needed a babysitter, a neighbour/friend to keep an eye on your apartment and car. He sounds incredibly spoilt.

He needs his own place, a job to pay for his own life/ possessions. Only then will he understand what it means to have responsibility and respect.

Sorry about your car.
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Old 20.10.2017, 22:51
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Re: Incident during our absence

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Hope you added your bills to the total he owes.

And shouldn't this be in the complaints section of the forum?

Question is - is this typical behaviour for him or a one off? If a one off then yes, maybe he'll learn. If it's typical then he's never likely to.

Shame your holiday has been spoiled through such inconsiderate behaviour.
Within last two years no other incident than ... once when he took out from the wallet few hundred franks without permission. Got hell for it and he was well behaved again. Other than few times, when he disappeared for weekends but rather had no money for serious abuse of anything greater than Red Bull and vodka. Not that he used to drink and smoke regularly. He was under our good supervision. Few other times he was left home alone - no problem.

Not that we left car keys outside for him to have them. They were well concealed in the drawer.
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Old 20.10.2017, 22:55
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Re: Incident during our absence

Worst I ever did was move everything out of the living room so that our drummer had space, and were loud enough that all of my mother's glassware (which she never used) was reduced to shrapnel.

However, my parents were impressed that we hadn't touched the liquor cabinet.

Oh, and this happened at least twice.

Tom
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Old 20.10.2017, 23:02
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Re: Incident during our absence

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That is awful, Jacek. Horrible to come home to such damage.

Was he sorry? How did he explain what he did? Sounds like he is incredibly immature and really needed a babysitter, a neighbour/friend to keep an eye on your apartment and car. He sounds incredibly spoilt.

He needs his own place, a job to pay for his own life/ possessions. Only then will he understand what it means to have responsibility and respect.

Sorry about your car.
Well, I didn’t notice if he was really sorry because I was beyond myself raged in anger. I guess, I rather felt a tiny bit sorry for him when I saw my wife hitting him repetedaly with tennis racket. She was even more crossed and dissspointed with her son.

I agree about him having his own place to man up. We want to experiment with cousins first who let him stay until he will have found a job to see if there is no other underlying serious problem.

He just has an attitude of he knows it all better deep in his heart but rather quiet in front of us. Not in front of his friends though, when he is acting like a leader.

I think he needs a job and face reality of being an adult.
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Old 20.10.2017, 23:05
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Re: Incident during our absence

And you thought Catalonia was gonna be wild!

At the age of 20 with this attitude it's time to part. He can apply with RAV or social security if he's not able to support himself. It will be a refreshing lesson for him.
And you neither have to apologize to the neighbours nor pay the bills either, no matter what the police says. Well, apologizing to the neighbours might be a good idea anyway.

Sorry you're in this situation. (Is it really your "wife's son" or just the usual "look what YOUR son did"? )
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Old 20.10.2017, 23:07
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Re: Incident during our absence

That sucks.

As for the BMW, If the color is common I'd buy the parts at a german dump in the same color and replace them myself. If money is not the issue just sell as is and get another one.
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Old 20.10.2017, 23:13
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Re: Incident during our absence

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And you thought Catalonia was gonna be wild!

At the age of 20 with this attitude it's time to part. He can apply with RAV or social security if he's not able to support himself. It will be a refreshing lesson for him.
And you neither have to apologize to the neighbours nor pay the bills either, no matter what the police says. Well, apologizing to the neighbours might be a good idea anyway.

Sorry you're in this situation. (Is it really your "wife's son" or just the usual "look what YOUR son did"? )
He was told by the police to apologize to the neighbours. Official letter came that my wife opened on his behalf (as he is not here anymore thanks goodness). There is a list of the neighbours to whom he must apologize. Landlord was rather cool seeing us look very perplexed and all he wanted was having him to apologize to the neighbours. Police wouldn’t even talk to us but him. All bills are coming to him. I don’t care how he is gonna deal with it but all I know he has to find a job, if either pay pro rata or make special arrangement - so be it, but he must sort out that shit he left behind. No compromise.
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Old 20.10.2017, 23:25
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Re: Incident during our absence

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Well, I didn’t notice if he was really sorry because I was beyond myself raged in anger. I guess, I rather felt a tiny bit sorry for him when I saw my wife hitting him repetedaly with tennis racket. She was even more crossed and dissspointed with her son.

I agree about him having his own place to man up. We want to experiment with cousins first who let him stay until he will have found a job to see if there is no other underlying serious problem.

He just has an attitude of he knows it all better deep in his heart but rather quiet in front of us. Not in front of his friends though, when he is acting like a leader.

I think he needs a job and face reality of being an adult.
Very wise to keep an eye on whether his actions are more than just a lack of maturity.

I hope this is the turning point for you as a family and he begins to grow up and finds his (adult) feet.
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Old 20.10.2017, 23:33
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Re: Incident during our absence

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Very wise to keep an eye on whether his actions are more than just a lack of maturity.

I hope this is the turning point for you as a family and he begins to grow up and finds his (adult) feet.
Yeah. He just comes from RSA and maybe found it too boring and no excitement for his liking ...

Anyway, this is CH and things are working the way they work. Take it or break it. Not literally!
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Old 20.10.2017, 23:40
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Re: Incident during our absence

If it's any consolation at all Jacek...and I doubt it is at this point in time...my (now retired former barrister) brother and I did similar, if not worse in some eyes. It's just part of growing up... hopefully.
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Old 20.10.2017, 23:46
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Re: Incident during our absence

Perhaps I am just weird, but your first post in this thread really shocked me. Earlier, on another thread, you had been so supportive to a new member who seemed to have made a bit of a mess of his life, with enormous debts. Here, almost the whole post is about the car and the damage the lad and his 'friends' have done.

I can really understand bitter disappointment and also rage at being let down like this by a chap who, at the age of twenty, should know better.
However, I would have expected a thread in the Family Matters section, asking if anyone had had this sort of experience and what they had done to help a close member of the family to pull himself together and make something of his life.

Why did he go off the rails? Did he want to impress his buddies? He has no job and no money. How else can he show off?
He may not behave like a responsible adult, but he is not being treated like one either. Your wife opened his letter? He was told three times not to have a party?
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I rather felt a tiny bit sorry for him when I saw my wife hitting him repetedaly with tennis racket. She was even more crossed and dissspointed with her son.
No comment.

He may desperately need support to get over this bad patch in his life. I hope, for his sake and for yours, that this is forthcoming.

P.S. A car key 'hidden in a drawer' is asking for trouble.
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Old 20.10.2017, 23:49
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Re: Incident during our absence

Well, there was even an article re: accidents under intoxication in the area. He wouldn’t tell us the whole truth but the article says it all (for those who read German). Just a hint for parents in similar situation, put all the valuable objects in your house and lock them away from youngsters when away. Better be safe than sorry. I learnt my lesson too ...

http://www.polizeiticker.ch/news/art...nfluss-108640/
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Old 21.10.2017, 00:06
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Re: Incident during our absence

This is why we get old & grey, dearest jacek. Know the feeling.
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Old 21.10.2017, 00:11
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Re: Incident during our absence

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I would have expected a thread in the Family Matters section, asking if anyone had had this sort of experience and what they had done to help a close member of the family to pull himself together and make something of his life.
.
Aw, come on, Longbyt, please. Jacek is plainly beside himself with rage, frustration, helplessness, feeling he'd like to blame the lad, feeling somewhat sorry for him, etc.

Whatever the background, however this sorry tale came to pass, right now Jacek is probably not exactly in a fit emotional state (I doubt I would be, were I to find myself in his shoes!) to carefully choose the right sub-section of a forum nor to ask about which kind of help he, his wife, or the young man himself need. That may come later.

Longbyt, I happen to agree with you about several of the other points you raised, by the way, such as anyone opening anyone else's mail, or hitting anyone with a tennis-racket (here: mother -> son).
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Old 21.10.2017, 00:13
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Re: Incident during our absence

Send him to serve military service, will come back just like new.
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Old 21.10.2017, 00:15
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Re: Incident during our absence

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Perhaps I am just weird, but your first post in this thread really shocked me. Earlier, on another thread, you had been so supportive to a new member who seemed to have made a bit of a mess of his life, with enormous debts. Here, almost the whole post is about the car and the damage the lad and his 'friends' have done.

I can really understand bitter disappointment and also rage at being let down like this by a chap who, at the age of twenty, should know better.
However, I would have expected a thread in the Family Matters section, asking if anyone had had this sort of experience and what they had done to help a close member of the family to pull himself together and make something of his life.

Why did he go off the rails? Did he want to impress his buddies? He has no job and no money. How else can he show off?
He may not behave like a responsible adult, but he is not being treated like one either. Your wife opened his letter? He was told three times not to have a party?
No comment.

He may desperately need support to get over this bad patch in his life. I hope, for his sake and for yours, that this is forthcoming.

P.S. A car key 'hidden in a drawer' is asking for trouble.
I disagree, the two debt-situations are not comparable at all.

Help getting over what bad patch in his life? Having mucked up the trust of his family, his stance in the neighbourhood and his start in a new country within one night?
The constant pampering and solving problems for adult "children" produces those who still rant about how unfair life is at the age of 40.

A good kick in the butt, a few addresses (Sozialamt, Schuldenberatungsstelle etc.) can work wonders.
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Old 21.10.2017, 00:17
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Re: Incident during our absence

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Send him to serve military service, will come back just like new.
In Namibia? Harsh
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Old 21.10.2017, 00:18
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Re: Incident during our absence

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Aw, come on, Longbyt, please. Jacek is plainly beside himself with rage, frustration, helplessness, feeling he'd like to blame the lad, feeling somewhat sorry for him, etc.

Whatever the background, however this sorry tale came to pass, right now Jacek is probably not exactly in a fit emotional state (I doubt I would be, were I to find myself in his shoes!) to carefully choose the right sub-section of a forum nor to ask about which kind of help he, his wife, or the young man himself need. That may come later.

Longbyt, I happen to agree with you about several of the other points you raised, by the way, such as anyone opening anyone else's mail (here: mother -> son).
Well, normally we don’t go that route to open anyone’s letters but here the situation is a bit different as he also happens not to speak/read good German well fluently enough to understand the content. Besides he is not staying here anymore and all correspondence is being addressed to here.

The letters content has listed all the neighbors families to be apologized to. That’s a police order, the landlords request and our order too.
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