know a good one? [jokes thread]

[Filton Kingswood]

Oh jeezus im peeing myself here!

[Filton Kingswood]

A man shoots a deer whilst out hunting and takes it home for the deep freeze. His wife says 'The kids wont eat that' to which he replies 'Just dont tell them what it is untill they ask'. Sunday comes and the wife roasts a joint of the animal and sure enough one of the kids pipes up. 'Dad, what meat is this?' Dad replies 'Well Jane its what mum sometimes calles me' So she screams at her brother 'Timmy, Timmy, spit it out! Its Asshole!'

[Phillips]

Bloke shagging wife says bend over we’ll try the social security position- wot the f**k is that she says?? When my balls touch your arse you’re getting the full benefit!!

[Filton Kingswood]

WHAT MEN REALY MEAN.

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means...."As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done." Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie." Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game." Really means...."Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means...."You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping." Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means...."You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you." Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle." Really means...."We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

[asdfasdf]

Two termites walk into a bar and ask, where's the bartender (this one usually takes a while, and saying it out-load a few times)

[asdfasdf]

A priest, and minister, and a rabbi are all discussing how they decide how much of the parish's money they decide to pay themselves in stipend, the priest says, a put a hoola hoop on the ground, throw up a pile of money, whatever falls in the hoop I keep, the minister says, yes I do something similar, but keep the money that falls outside the hoop. The Rabbi says, wow that's amazing I do almost the same thing, whatever money God wants he can keep when it's in the air, and I keep the rest.

[asdfasdf]

a bear walks into a bar, the bartender asks him what he want, the bear replies . . . . .. . . . . ....................
....................... ...............................................
......... ........................
............... .................................................. ....
... .......................................... . . . . . . . . ., a Bud. Then the bartender asks, what's with the big pause?

[asdfasdf]

An Swiss beurocrat is at an national meeting and in order to speed up the proceedings all jokes are numbered. The presenter starts out by saying, number 314, all the beurocrats laugh mildly, but one continues laughing loudly for a full minute after everyone else has stopped. His collegues look at him with anger, he replies, I haven't heard that one before.

The same Beurocrat is later doing a presentation, and slips in number 75. There is a dead silence in the room, one attend whispers to another, some people just can't tell a joke.

[asdfasdf]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A drunk is leaning against a lightpost on the corner of a busy street.

While gazing blearily around, he notices a smartly dressed young man standing a few feet away, watching the people pass by. As the drunk is watching, a lovely lady comes walking along, and the young man says something to her. She immediately smiles, shakes her head, and takes his hand. The two of them together go up the stairs of a nearby row house, and inside.

A short while later, the two come back down, grinning from ear to ear. They embrace affectionately, and the lady departs.

This happens several times in the next few hours with different ladies. Once the lady frowned, and after some further words from the young man, merely nodded her head and walked on. The drunk strained his ears to hear what was being said, but just couldn't make it out. Finally, his curiosity overcame his need for vertical support, and he stumbled over to the young man.

Drunk: "Shay bud. Wha's goin' on?"

Young Man: "Yes, I saw you watching. I wondered when you would come over. Well, it's like this. I watch the people. When I see a lady that takes my fancy, I walk up to her and say, softly, 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' If she is agreeable to the idea, we go upstairs to my room and have a good time. If she becomes upset, I merely say, 'Typical nasty weather.' She assumes that she misheard me the first time, and just keeps going. I can't lose!"

Drunk: "Tha's a great idea! I'll have to run home and try it mysel'."

So the drunk wobbles to his own home and stands leaning against the fence. Soon a very lovely lady comes walking briskly along, and the drunk decides that this is his big chance. So he stumbles over to the lady and grabs her arm.

Lady: "Yes?"

Drunk: "HEY BABE, C'N I STICK A FEATHER UP YOUR ASS?"

Lady: "WHAT?!?"

Drunk: (looking at the sky) "in' rain!"

[asdfasdf]

Recently a group of scientists declared that if it were discovered that a planet killer comet or asteroid was heading towards earth and it were discovered, it would be best for authorities to not inform the public so that they could enjoy there final time on earth and to avert widespread panic. When asked why they chose to make the announcement now they simply said, no reason, and shifted there eyes from side to side.

So this oil worker is in Iraq, in a very isolated area. He works there for several months and there are only men living in the worksite, he is the only new one and the other have been there for some time. The man finally asks what the men do when they want some "Company", and they tell him that they use the camel. The man hesitates for another week, then does his business with the camel. The next day another worker asks him if he knows why the camel is in such a bad mood, so the man explains what happened. The other worker looks shockingly at him and says, we meant we use the camel to get into town!

There is this old lawyer who is married to a young girl, 20 years younger than him, and they are having trouble in the bedroom, so they go to a relationship therapist. And the therapist says, ok we have to introduce some stimulus in the bedroom, get a younger man in there, get him naked and have him fan both of you. This will introduce fantasy into your lovemaking and make it better. So they do that and the wife says, the lovemaking is no better. So they go back to the therapist and he says, we have to take things to an even higher level, the husband and the stud should switch positions. So they do that, and the stud makes love to the wife for three hours, and she is screamking in exctasy, and after she says, I didn't know it could get that good, and the lawyer says to the young man, now that's how you fan a towel.

[Colonelboris]

	Quote:	asdfasdf
	Two termites walk into a bar and ask, where's the bartender (this one usually takes a while, and saying it out-load a few times)

You git! I did this one upthread with a woodpecker.
Good, slow burning joke though. I managed to keep one annoying person going for over a week trying to figure it out. Eventually her borfriend had to explain it to her as she wouldn't shut about it. They've since split up, although the joke was nothing to do with it, but it did give me great pleasure to see someone so annoying racked with mental anguish for so long.

[Rob]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5 Day /10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as
a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can
catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after
her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and
has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the
same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to
find he has lost 10lb, as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5 day / 20 pound program. The
next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing
but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you
catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but
when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. The
next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth
day he weighs himself to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as
promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 lb.
program."Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is
our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, I haven't felt this good
in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
finds a huge, muscular, 6'6" hairy man wearing nothing but pink running shoes and
a sign around his neck that reads:, "I'm Leroy. If I catch you, you're mine..."

[dod]

Nicolas Sarkozy, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said. "Dis is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing ta inform yous dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well, Monsieur Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Roight now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, " dere is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and da entoire darts team from da pub and dat makes eight of us.
Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Monsieur Paddy that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. " Oi'll have ta ring ya back.
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr.Sarkozy , da war is still on. We've managed to get us some infantry equipment! Well, we got two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you monsieur that I have 6,000 tanks and 5 000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. " Oi'll have to get back to ya."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy da war is still on! We've managed to get oorselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple o' shotguns in da cockpit, and four boys from da Shamrock Bar have joined us as well."
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you monsieur that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! !" sa ys Paddy, " Oi'll have to ring ya back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy ! Oi am sorry to inform ya dat we have had to call off da war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says .Sarkozy "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and foinally decided dere is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners.

[Polorise]

[dod]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to go moose hunting.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could only take four moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. Climbing out of the wreckage Paddy asked Seamus,
"Any idea where we are?"

Bejesus, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year", replied Seamus.

[chemgoddess]

A friend of mine told me this, I think it's really funny. (it actually happened too, as far as I know)

So U2 is known for being very political etc at their concerts.

After playing a song Bono starts clapping, about once every second (clap, clap, clap, clap) the audience starts clapping along. Bono says, "Everytime I clap my hands an African child dies."

Some Irish guy near the front row yells out, "Well, in' stop clapping then."

[Eire]

Don't think I have seen this one already but apologies if it is a repost.

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes." The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."

[Verena Scherer]

Men are like cars, I like all different types. Actually, I don't have one but occasionally when the need arises I borrow a friend's- Sorry about the scratches.

[Caleb]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $3.50

Hand Job: $10.00

After checking his wallet, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three beautiful blondes serving drinks to a wide eyed group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your fu**ing hands, I want a cheese sandwich."

[Polorise]

What's the difference between Britney Spears and the Panama canal?

One is a busy ditch.