Go Back   English Forum Switzerland > Off-Topic > Off-Topic > Jokes/funnies  
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #201  
Old 24.08.2007, 22:09
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: US
Posts: 296
Groaned at 1 Time in 1 Post
Thanked 22 Times in 17 Posts
Verena Scherer has made some interesting contributions
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

My made-up joke:

What is the difference between the Democrat and Republican headquarters?

The first is the House of Flying Daggers and the second is the House of Dying Flaggers.
Reply With Quote
  #202  
Old 25.08.2007, 22:19
Caleb's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Zürich
Posts: 1,099
Groaned at 14 Times in 12 Posts
Thanked 1,950 Times in 764 Posts
Caleb has a reputation beyond reputeCaleb has a reputation beyond reputeCaleb has a reputation beyond reputeCaleb has a reputation beyond reputeCaleb has a reputation beyond reputeCaleb has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A man walked into a church, stepped into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them... twice."

The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never, Father, I'm Jewish."

"So why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."
Reply With Quote
  #203  
Old 26.08.2007, 00:19
gbn's Avatar
gbn gbn is offline
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Zuri Oberland
Posts: 2,747
Groaned at 104 Times in 71 Posts
Thanked 2,398 Times in 1,124 Posts
gbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A plumber gets caught on "Builders from hell" shaggin houseowners dog on CCTV. Women sues him but judge dismisses the case as he was corgi registered.
Reply With Quote
  #204  
Old 26.08.2007, 00:19
gbn's Avatar
gbn gbn is offline
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Zuri Oberland
Posts: 2,747
Groaned at 104 Times in 71 Posts
Thanked 2,398 Times in 1,124 Posts
gbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I bought my wife a bag and belt for her birthday - the Hoover works a treat now!
Reply With Quote
  #205  
Old 26.08.2007, 00:20
gbn's Avatar
gbn gbn is offline
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Zuri Oberland
Posts: 2,747
Groaned at 104 Times in 71 Posts
Thanked 2,398 Times in 1,124 Posts
gbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Old flame

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic.' Wow! I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now,' I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge.'

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby grey haired older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to f *ck off.
Reply With Quote
  #206  
Old 26.08.2007, 02:09
JVC
 
Posts: n/a
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
View Post
For all the Brits in the audiance.

Why do the Brits drink warm beer?

Because all the refrigerators in England are made by Lucas.
Q: Why don't the English make computers?

A: Because they couldn't find a way to make them leak oil.
Reply With Quote
  #207  
Old 04.09.2007, 18:24
grumpygrapefruit's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: NL, UK & sometimes ZH
Posts: 6,369
Groaned at 38 Times in 37 Posts
Thanked 17,377 Times in 4,467 Posts
grumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I just read in the Yorkshire Evening Post about a nightclub in Barnsley where the kids are grinding up ecstacy tablets and mixing them with vodka to make a thin paste which they then rub into their gums for an instant high.




It's called Eee Ba Gum
Reply With Quote
  #208  
Old 04.09.2007, 18:29
gbn's Avatar
gbn gbn is offline
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Zuri Oberland
Posts: 2,747
Groaned at 104 Times in 71 Posts
Thanked 2,398 Times in 1,124 Posts
gbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Q: What's the difference between an Italian grandmother and a black dress?


A: 20 kilos and a black dress
Reply With Quote
  #209  
Old 04.09.2007, 18:29
Nickers's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Zurich
Posts: 3,696
Groaned at 41 Times in 35 Posts
Thanked 4,899 Times in 1,697 Posts
Nickers has a reputation beyond reputeNickers has a reputation beyond reputeNickers has a reputation beyond reputeNickers has a reputation beyond reputeNickers has a reputation beyond reputeNickers has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
View Post
I just read in the Yorkshire Evening Post about a nightclub in Barnsley where the kids are grounding up ecstacy tablets and mixing them with vodka to make a thin paste which they then rub into their gums for an instant high.




It's called Eee Ba Gum
I want to give you a groan for that grumpy!!
Reply With Quote
  #210  
Old 04.09.2007, 20:47
gbn's Avatar
gbn gbn is offline
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Zuri Oberland
Posts: 2,747
Groaned at 104 Times in 71 Posts
Thanked 2,398 Times in 1,124 Posts
gbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"
Reply With Quote
  #211  
Old 05.09.2007, 08:49
Caleb's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Zürich
Posts: 1,099
Groaned at 14 Times in 12 Posts
Thanked 1,950 Times in 764 Posts
Caleb has a reputation beyond reputeCaleb has a reputation beyond reputeCaleb has a reputation beyond reputeCaleb has a reputation beyond reputeCaleb has a reputation beyond reputeCaleb has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A Man goes into a bar and sits down, he sees a sign that says "Ask about free drinks for life" so he casually asks the bartender. The bartender says:

- Well no one has ever done it but what have to do is drink this entire bottle of pepper vodka, then help the alligator out back with his bad tooth and finally go upstairs to the please the lady who has never had an orgasm.

The guy goes back to drinking but after a couple drinks he gets up, downs the vodka and heads out back to the alligator. Everyone in the bar stops talking and listens. They hear a loud chomp, the man screams and then there is a lot of russling around before they hear the most god awful inhuman sound they've ever heard, then complete silence. They all hang their heads for a moment of silence when the door bursts open and the man walks out, his clothes tattered. He stumbles over to the bartender and says:

- Now where'd you say that woman with the bad tooth was ?
__________________
HEAVEN IS A BATHTUB WITH BOOKS THAT DON'T GET WET
Reply With Quote
  #212  
Old 06.09.2007, 15:25
Thalwiler's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Thalwil
Posts: 329
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 85 Times in 63 Posts
Thalwiler has no particular reputation at present
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

So, Pavarotti gets up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter waves him through.

“Hi Pav, come on in, been expecting you.”
“Well, thankyou very much” says Pavarotti, “but I’ve got a letter here from the Pope. It’s addressed to God. Who should I give it to?”
“Oh, I can take that.” says Saint Peter, and opens the envelope. Inside is a note on headed Vatican paper: HERE’S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU.
Reply With Quote
  #213  
Old 06.09.2007, 15:34
grumpygrapefruit's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: NL, UK & sometimes ZH
Posts: 6,369
Groaned at 38 Times in 37 Posts
Thanked 17,377 Times in 4,467 Posts
grumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A cod is swimming along when he comes across a squid that doesn't look too bright. "what's wrong with you?" asks the cod. "I'm feeling really ill" replies the squid. The cod suggests he takes him along to someone who might help and the squid thankfully follows the cod along to his mate the haddock. "what's this?" asks the haddock.

"It's that sick squid I owe you"

roll on the groans
Reply With Quote
  #214  
Old 06.09.2007, 16:11
terryhall's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Die Südkürve
Posts: 1,791
Groaned at 11 Times in 10 Posts
Thanked 1,030 Times in 552 Posts
terryhall has a reputation beyond reputeterryhall has a reputation beyond reputeterryhall has a reputation beyond reputeterryhall has a reputation beyond reputeterryhall has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I won't bother with the rest of the joke, but the punchline is

"It seems that Hans who does dishes is as soft as Yafez when it comes to a mild green hairy-lipped squid"

You can add your own detail surrounding the maitre'd and kitchen staff of a seafood restaurant...
Reply With Quote
  #215  
Old 06.09.2007, 16:16
Gronk's Avatar
Newbie 1st class
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Zurich
Posts: 25
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 11 Times in 7 Posts
Gronk has no particular reputation at present
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

What do you call a three barrelled gun?

A Trifle.

What nationality is Mr Sheen?

Polish.
Reply With Quote
  #216  
Old 11.09.2007, 12:52
tigerli's Avatar
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Aargau
Posts: 223
Groaned at 4 Times in 1 Post
Thanked 263 Times in 136 Posts
tigerli has earned the respect of manytigerli has earned the respect of manytigerli has earned the respect of many
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female?

To find out the answer, look down...
































































































Look down, not scroll down
Reply With Quote
  #217  
Old 11.09.2007, 13:34
terryhall's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Die Südkürve
Posts: 1,791
Groaned at 11 Times in 10 Posts
Thanked 1,030 Times in 552 Posts
terryhall has a reputation beyond reputeterryhall has a reputation beyond reputeterryhall has a reputation beyond reputeterryhall has a reputation beyond reputeterryhall has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

He was outstanding in his field...
Reply With Quote
  #218  
Old 11.09.2007, 13:44
Polorise's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: about there
Posts: 2,738
Groaned at 25 Times in 25 Posts
Thanked 2,325 Times in 1,259 Posts
Polorise has a reputation beyond reputePolorise has a reputation beyond reputePolorise has a reputation beyond reputePolorise has a reputation beyond reputePolorise has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

If you find 30 English Rugby supporters buried up to their neck in sand what do you have?

Not enough sand ......
Reply With Quote
  #219  
Old 12.09.2007, 09:22
Caleb's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Zürich
Posts: 1,099
Groaned at 14 Times in 12 Posts
Thanked 1,950 Times in 764 Posts
Caleb has a reputation beyond reputeCaleb has a reputation beyond reputeCaleb has a reputation beyond reputeCaleb has a reputation beyond reputeCaleb has a reputation beyond reputeCaleb has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Two weasels are sitting together at a bar drinking and having a conversation. One weasel starts to get beligerant and finally yells, "Oh yeah?! Well, I fuc*ed your mother last night!"

The entire bar falls silent. The other weasel doesn't seem concerned and quietly continues to sip his Guinness (because weasels only drink Guinness).

The first weasel gets even more irate and yells at the other again, "Didn't you hear me? I fuc*ed your mother last night and she took it up the ass! What do you think of that, HUH??"

The first weasel puts down his pint and says, "Shaddup, Dad, you're drunk."
__________________
HEAVEN IS A BATHTUB WITH BOOKS THAT DON'T GET WET
Reply With Quote
  #220  
Old 12.09.2007, 11:29
Polorise's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: about there
Posts: 2,738
Groaned at 25 Times in 25 Posts
Thanked 2,325 Times in 1,259 Posts
Polorise has a reputation beyond reputePolorise has a reputation beyond reputePolorise has a reputation beyond reputePolorise has a reputation beyond reputePolorise has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver's license. He sent off all the forms and all was fine but he was asked to take an eye test.

So off he goes and gets himself an appointment the same day, and sits down in the examining chair.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
joke




Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT +2. The time now is 12:20.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0