know a good one? [jokes thread]

[Verena Scherer]

My made-up joke:

What is the difference between the Democrat and Republican headquarters?

The first is the House of Flying Daggers and the second is the House of Dying Flaggers.

[Caleb]

A man walked into a church, stepped into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them... twice."

The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never, Father, I'm Jewish."

"So why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."

[gbn]

A plumber gets caught on "Builders from hell" shaggin houseowners dog on CCTV. Women sues him but judge dismisses the case as he was corgi registered.

[gbn]

I bought my wife a bag and belt for her birthday - the Hoover works a treat now!

[gbn]

Old flame

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic.' Wow! I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now,' I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge.'

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby grey haired older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to f *ck off.

	Quote:	swisscheese
	For all the Brits in the audiance. Why do the Brits drink warm beer? Because all the refrigerators in England are made by Lucas.

Q: Why don't the English make computers?

A: Because they couldn't find a way to make them leak oil.

[grumpygrapefruit]

I just read in the Yorkshire Evening Post about a nightclub in Barnsley where the kids are grinding up ecstacy tablets and mixing them with vodka to make a thin paste which they then rub into their gums for an instant high.




It's called Eee Ba Gum

[gbn]

Q: What's the difference between an Italian grandmother and a black dress?


A: 20 kilos and a black dress

[Nickers]

	Quote:	grumpygrapefruit
	I just read in the Yorkshire Evening Post about a nightclub in Barnsley where the kids are grounding up ecstacy tablets and mixing them with vodka to make a thin paste which they then rub into their gums for an instant high. It's called Eee Ba Gum

I want to give you a groan for that grumpy!!

[gbn]

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

[Caleb]

A Man goes into a bar and sits down, he sees a sign that says "Ask about free drinks for life" so he casually asks the bartender. The bartender says:

- Well no one has ever done it but what have to do is drink this entire bottle of pepper vodka, then help the alligator out back with his bad tooth and finally go upstairs to the please the lady who has never had an orgasm.

The guy goes back to drinking but after a couple drinks he gets up, downs the vodka and heads out back to the alligator. Everyone in the bar stops talking and listens. They hear a loud chomp, the man screams and then there is a lot of russling around before they hear the most god awful inhuman sound they've ever heard, then complete silence. They all hang their heads for a moment of silence when the door bursts open and the man walks out, his clothes tattered. He stumbles over to the bartender and says:

- Now where'd you say that woman with the bad tooth was ?

[Thalwiler]

So, Pavarotti gets up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter waves him through.

“Hi Pav, come on in, been expecting you.”
“Well, thankyou very much” says Pavarotti, “but I’ve got a letter here from the Pope. It’s addressed to God. Who should I give it to?”
“Oh, I can take that.” says Saint Peter, and opens the envelope. Inside is a note on headed Vatican paper: HERE’S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU.

[grumpygrapefruit]

A cod is swimming along when he comes across a squid that doesn't look too bright. "what's wrong with you?" asks the cod. "I'm feeling really ill" replies the squid. The cod suggests he takes him along to someone who might help and the squid thankfully follows the cod along to his mate the haddock. "what's this?" asks the haddock.

"It's that sick squid I owe you"

roll on the groans

[terryhall]

I won't bother with the rest of the joke, but the punchline is

"It seems that Hans who does dishes is as soft as Yafez when it comes to a mild green hairy-lipped squid"

You can add your own detail surrounding the maitre'd and kitchen staff of a seafood restaurant...

[Gronk]

What do you call a three barrelled gun?

A Trifle.

What nationality is Mr Sheen?

Polish.

[tigerli]

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female?

To find out the answer, look down...
































































































Look down, not scroll down

[terryhall]

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

He was outstanding in his field...

[Polorise]

If you find 30 English Rugby supporters buried up to their neck in sand what do you have?

Not enough sand ......

[Caleb]

Two weasels are sitting together at a bar drinking and having a conversation. One weasel starts to get beligerant and finally yells, "Oh yeah?! Well, I fuc*ed your mother last night!"

The entire bar falls silent. The other weasel doesn't seem concerned and quietly continues to sip his Guinness (because weasels only drink Guinness).

The first weasel gets even more irate and yells at the other again, "Didn't you hear me? I fuc*ed your mother last night and she took it up the ass! What do you think of that, HUH??"

The first weasel puts down his pint and says, "Shaddup, Dad, you're drunk."

[Polorise]

A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver's license. He sent off all the forms and all was fine but he was asked to take an eye test.

So off he goes and gets himself an appointment the same day, and sits down in the examining chair.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."