know a good one? [jokes thread]

[draculin]

A little old lady went into the Bank of England one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office the customer is always right)! The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, £165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "well, for example, I'll bet you £25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet £25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady than said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet. "£25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.

The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. Well, okay," said the president, £25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She Replied, "Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of England's president's balls in my hand."

[Polorise]

Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills,they were labeled 'LSD'?" Granny replies, " the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

[bravesocks]

Q. What do you call an Aardvark thats just been beaten up?

A. A Vark

A man walked in to a bar...and said

'Ow' !

[Polorise]

For sale, Chariot, 15 lady owners, no wheels, contact The RFU

Grandpa's potatoes

Letter from Grandpa to Grandson:

"Dear Grandson, I am not as strong as I used to be, and since you are in jail, you are not here this year to help me dig the ground over to plant my potatoes. I'm afraid it won't be a very good potato crop next time."

Grandson replies by telegram:

"Grandpa. DON'T TOUCH THE GARDEN. That's where I hid the bodies"

No sooner has Grandpa read the telegram than the police arrive at his door, and proceed to start looking for bodies.

Telegram from Grandpa to Grandson:

"The police have dug up the complete garden. They didn't find any bodies."

Telegram from Grandson to Grandpa:

"It's OK. You can plant the potatoes now. Sorry I couldn't help more."

and for your German speaking friends and colleagues:

Der Opa & seine Kartoffeln

Ein alter Mann hat sein Leben lang jedes Frühjahr Kartoffeln in seinem Garten gepflanzt. Dieses Jahr aber kann er nicht, da sein Enkel, der im Knast sitzt, ihm den Garten nicht umgraben kann.

Verzweifelt schreibt er einen Brief in den Knast:

Lieber Enkel,
dieses Jahr werde ich wohl nicht so viele Kartoffeln pflanzen können. Du fehlst mir, ich werde wohl den Garten selber umgraben müssen, aber das wird wohl nicht viel werden.

Viele Grüsse,
dein Opa Sepp


Der Enkel antwortet umgehend per Telegramm:

Um Himmels Willen Opa, grab nicht im Garten, da hab ich doch die Leichen verbuddelt!!!

Kaum hat Opa das Telegramm in Händen, da erscheint schon die Kripo und wühlt den ganzen Garten durch, findet aber nichts.

Mittags bekommt Opa ein weiteres Telegramm aus dem Knast:

Lieber Opa,
mehr konnte ich nicht für dich tun. Hoffentlich kannst du jetzt deine Kartoffeln pflanzen....

Gruß,
dein Enkel Franz

[Rob]

Three newly married men were having a drink and telling each other about the duties they had assigned to their wives on their return from honeymoon.

Terry had married an American lady and bragged that he had told her she was going to do all the dishes and all the housework. He said he'd had to nag her for a couple of days but on the third day he had come home to a clean house and found that all the dishes had been washed and put away.

Jimmy had married an Australian and he boasted that he had ordered his wife to do the dishes, all the cleaning, and all the cooking. He said that nothing happened on the first day, but the next day was somewhat better, and by the third day, the house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge hot dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Scottish girl. He said that he had explained that her duties were to clean the house, to wash the dishes, to mow the lawn, to do the laundry, and to prepare and serve three hot meals a day. He went on to say that he couldn't see anything on the first day nor on the second day, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down, enough anyway for him to see out of his left eye so that he could fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, fill the washing machine and call in a landscaper.

And one for the Americans (from a guy I know that works in aviation):

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, 'Where have you been?'

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, 'I'm still confused.'

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. 'For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.

Balance in all things,' God continued pointing to different countries. 'This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, 'What's that one?'

'Ah,' God said. 'That's Washington state, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of airplanes, coffee, and software.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, 'But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.'

God smiled, 'There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there'.

[terryhall]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in West Virginia . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister!!! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

...and now one to balance it out a bit...

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived in a Las Vegas casino and bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes
then quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know, I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[dod]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!

[terryhall]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows
her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute
steal at only $20."

"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a
result its language is a touch flowery".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad
minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she
buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at The
woman. "F===! .... me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying
not to laugh.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un-f===king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new
prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes," complain the
girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new
pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.

"In-f==king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but
the same old clients .... How ya doin', Dave?"

[terryhall]

Apologies for the double post...

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Iowa. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'" The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up. The last one to give up wins and gets the duck.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

"We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, Father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

celebRate!!!"

[Polorise]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[Nairda]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.
A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked,
"What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one."
She said that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked
her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in
the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car
which had its bonnet up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is click here.

[chemgoddess]

Oh, man. I so beat you to that one about 5 pages ago. I do love it. One of my favorite all time jokes.

	Quote:	bravesocks
	A man walked in to a bar...and said 'Ow' !

So a proton is walking down the street talking to his buddy, says to him, "I think I lost an electron." Buddy answers, "Are you sure?" Proton says, "Yeah, I'm positive."

Q. If a bear in California, and one in the Northern arctic fall into water, which one would dissolve faster?
A. The bear in Alaska because it's polar.

Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.

"A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water"."

[Nairda]

Chemgoddess - It shames me to say it, but now you've pulled your webcam back a little and posted a fresh picture I can't help but feel a tad disappointed...

[Nathu]

Oooh science jokes.

All numbers went to a party and had a blast. Only e stood alone in the corner. Finally 5 came over and asked, "why are you so sad?" "Oh," answered e with a deep sigh, "I just can't integrate myself!"

Hope it works in English, too.

Every couple has its moment.

Edit: it's a Physics joke.

[larrylizzard]

well most of my jokes are better told than written. Here is a nice English/Swiss German joke for you, im not sure if it will come accross as its a word joke and depends on how you say it.

Q. Why did the mushroom go to the party?
A. Because he's a fun guy (fun-gi)

Get it?

[dod]

Bad day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


H eard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

H ow could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

Someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.




-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.




//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.




################################################## ##

C ongratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.




************************************************** ******************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

W hen we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.




//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

W e have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?




++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.




================================================== ===

C ongratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?




%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.




)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

[Nairda]

	Quote:	Nairda
	Chemgoddess - It shames me to say it, but now you've pulled your webcam back a little and posted a fresh picture I can't help but feel a tad disappointed...

Thanks for changing back .

Just noticed you were spinning pics in *THAT* thread!