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  #241  
Old 27.09.2007, 01:00
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
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  #242  
Old 27.09.2007, 05:45
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Who's Your Daddy?

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms:

01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins; child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue, where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad, as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
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  #243  
Old 27.09.2007, 15:21
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
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The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.
03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue
Hmm. I say again: hmm. It really is a rare event for British roads to be so long that they have such high house numbers.
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  #244  
Old 27.09.2007, 16:07
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I doubt if there are many British roads called Grand Avenue either.
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  #245  
Old 27.09.2007, 16:49
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

At least 11 of them believe it or not...

Grand Avenue, Marlborough, Wiltshire SN8 3
Grand Avenue, Cardiff, South Glamorgan CF5 4
Grand Avenue, Seaford, East Sussex BN25 2
Grand Avenue, Hassocks, West Sussex BN6 8
Grand Avenue, Worthing, West Sussex BN11 5
Grand Avenue, Surbiton, Surrey KT5 9
Grand Avenue, Lowestoft, Suffolk NR33 7
Grand Avenue, Hove, East Sussex BN3 2
Grand Avenue, London N10 3
Grand Avenue, Cardiff, South Glamorgan CF5 4
Grand Avenue, Lancing, West Sussex BN15 9

This has to be a candidate for the least useful information in any post, on any subject, on any bulletin board, ever.
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  #246  
Old 27.09.2007, 17:08
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Worst analogies ever written in a high school essay.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
Joseph Romm, Washington

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
Russell Beland, Springfield

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Roy Ashley, Washington

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Russell Beland, Springfield

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake
Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Unknown

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
Russell Beland, Springfield

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other leaving from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth
Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Russell Beland, Springfield

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of
metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Unknown
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  #247  
Old 27.09.2007, 18:21
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Subject: A History of the World

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or history teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level.

Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother`s son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother`s birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they didn`t take to it. One of Jacob`s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David`s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn`t have history. The Greeks created three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable.

Achilles appears in the Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, bumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the lava. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn`t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived the the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.

Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In Midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son`s head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being.

Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello`s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.

Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumsised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "Hurrah!" Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear`s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.

He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim`s Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the war, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America`s greatest President. Lincoln`s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettsburg Address while travelling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and was shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth`s career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltar invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was created by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon`s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn`t bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for sixty-three years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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  #248  
Old 28.09.2007, 11:38
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I've finally found out what IKEA is for...

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  #249  
Old 04.10.2007, 19:49
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Re: I've finally found out what IKEA is for...

Caught Speeding? This is what you do…

Ros



Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
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  #250  
Old 05.10.2007, 12:34
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.


St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a

penis?" She giggles and shyly replies "Well I once touched the head of one

with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger

in the holy water and pass through the gates.


St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Katrina, have you ever had

any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well

once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand

in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls and one

girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the

front of the line St. Peter says "Mary, what seems to be the rush?"


The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want
to do

It before Wendy sticks her ass in it."
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  #251  
Old 05.10.2007, 21:21
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Attachment 1517

Welcome to the dark side...

Last edited by gbn; 13.09.2009 at 19:07.
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  #252  
Old 08.10.2007, 15:05
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Collection of eBay feedback ratings :

POSITIVE: Item shipped quickly, have been having erotic dreams about seller. Thanks!

POSITIVE: Thanks for great Rainbow Brite lunchbox. Should shrunken head be inside?

NEUTRAL: Excellent communication, but should’ve poked holes in box before shipping the kitten. Refunded.

NEGATIVE: Despite indication in listing, I could not fit item into any of my body cavities.

NEGATIVE: Honda R-Type sticker did not add horsepower as advertised.

NEUTRAL: Item shipped promptly and in good condition, but I should not have to bid on birthday presents from my parents.

POSITIVE: I don’t really remember what I ordered. But I’ve been sitting in the box it came in all day, and it’s great!

NEGATIVE: Product didn’t work, possibly broken. I woke up this morning and was disappointed to find I still believe in Jesus Christ our Savior.

POSITIVE: Excellent Buyer. A++++++. Thrilled by the quartz movement of the “Rolex”. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

NEGATIVE: Should have been clearer that seller only accepts payment in Bhats via Eastern Union Moneygram.


POSITIVE: Plain brown packaging seemed to fool my wife. Thanks!

NEGATIVE: Very nice monkey mascot costume, but it’s a size 34, not a 63 as advertised.

NEGATIVE: Lederhosen not as pink as the picture led me to believe.

POSITIVE: A+++++. Items are exactly as described. Best case of kalashnikovs I’ve ever bought. Allah Akbar!

NEGATIVE: This is clearly the ninth, NOT THE SIXTH, repackaging of Mad Super Special #24.

POSITIVE: One of the scents mixed in with the packing peanuts remind me of a passionate weekend in Rio… was that you?

POSITIVE: The way you wrote my zip-code makes me weak in the knees. Such smooth strokes. A+!

NEGATIVE: Though you did nothing wrong, I am giving you this negative feedback to teach you that the universe is arbitrary and unfair.

NEGATIVE: Buying this Space 1999 Lunchbox did not fill the void in my empty life for as long as I’d hoped.
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  #253  
Old 08.10.2007, 15:33
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I wonder if ebay ships these:


http://bunchofnerds.com/2007/07/vide...creeps-us-out/

Please be warned not for the sensitive, I vascillated between horror, hilarity and sympathy.
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  #254  
Old 09.10.2007, 21:32
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I saw a newsflash on the BBC just now.

The minibus carrying Stephen Hawking, the eminent physicist, has been in a motorway crash.

Rescuers estimate it will be a another 6 hours to extract the bus from the wreckage.

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  #255  
Old 10.10.2007, 07:32
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a huge failure.
The reason:
In Africa they didn’t know what ‘food’ meant
In India they didn’t know what ‘honest’ meant
In Europe they didn’t know what ’shortage’ meant
In China they didn’t know what ‘opinion’ meant
In the Middle East they didn’t know what ’solution’ meant
In South America they didn’t know what ‘please’ meant
And in the USA they didn’t know what ‘please’ meant, And ALSO what ‘the rest of the world’ meant!!
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  #256  
Old 10.10.2007, 21:14
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

heres one for all you zurich dwellers... the monkey wanted to go on holiday, but he didnt know where and so he asked a bird "Where are you going on holiday" The bird answered " my mum can fly good ,my dad can fly good" then we fly in the holidays..O.K. then he asked a fish " where are you going in the holidays?" the fish answered " my mummy can good swim my daddy can good swim, then we go swimming in the Holidays. Then the monkey asked the crocodile where are you going in the holidays and the crocodile answered " my mum has a big mouth my Dad has a big mouth then we go to ZURICH for our Holidays!!!
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  #257  
Old 10.10.2007, 22:10
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Rude Swiss Joke

For those of you who don't think the Swiss are funny here is a joke from the Vaudoise countryside. It is rather rude so stop here if you are shockable.


A jounalist from TVR1 visited a remote farming village near the Lac de Joux and met an old farmer. He asked the farmer to tell him about his fond memories of farming life.
"One day" the farmer replied "my neighbour's cow got lost. The whole village turned out to look for it. After many hours we found the cow stuck down a river bank. We saved the cow and to celebrate we had a party and everyone buggered the cow."
"I can't broadcast that story" said the journalist "Don't you have any other happy memories?"
"Well one day" continued the farmer "my neighbour's wife got lost. The whole village turned out to look for her. The next day we found the woman stuck in a cupboard at the church. To celebrate discovering her we had lovely party and then everyone got to bugger the woman."
"And I can't broadcast that story either" said the journalist "Do you have sad memories?"

"Well" the old man continued "one day I got lost..."
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Old 11.10.2007, 12:48
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Obviously the journalist couldn't use that one either, so tried again.

"Well," said the farmer, "let me me show you the old orchard, I've a really romantic tale to tell you about that."

"Aha," thought the reporter, "maybe we are onto something."

They walked a little way down the lane and the farmer pointed to a small field in which stood two trees.

"But this isn't an orchard. What's the story?" asked the reporter.

"Well, the trees got diseased so had to be cut down. I told the bloke who did it to save those two trees because they are so special to me."

"How so?" asked the reporter.

"That one over there is where I had my first sexual experience" said the farmer pointing to one of the trees.

"And the other?"

"Oh, her Mum was standing under that tree watching us."

"WHAT? What did she say?"

"*baaaa*"
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Old 11.10.2007, 12:55
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A bloke walks into a pub with a crocodile.

He says to the barman, "I bet you a free beer that I can put my c*ck into this crocodiles mouth and leave it there for a whole minute without it being bitten off" The barman says "No chance!"

So the man whips his trousers down, puts his c*ck in the croc's mouth, after a minute he smashes a bottle on the crocodiles head, who opens his mouth and the man withdraws himself unscathed. As he sips his beer, he then asks the rest of the patrons,

"Anyone else want a go?"

After a moment's silence a girl's voice pipes up saying "Oh, go on then. But you can't hit me with the bottle."
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Old 15.10.2007, 21:40
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada.

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Damn snow plough.

Dec. 22 - More of that white sh*t fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. A*hole.

Dec. 25 - Merry ing Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-b*tch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the ing ice.

Dec. 27 - More white sh*t last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white sh*t and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the sh*t again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28 - That ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the sh*t this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the sh*t he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his ing head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those ing beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that ing salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada.
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