know a good one? [jokes thread]

[grumpygrapefruit]

Dave goes to the doctors and says " HEEEELLLLLLLLP...... I think I'm going deaf !!"

Doctor says...." What are the symptoms"

Dave replies " Doh...they are a disfuctional cartoon family with yellow heads "

[grumpygrapefruit]

and if that wasn't bad enough....


A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

[Polorise]

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel

	Quote:
	I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

	Quote:
	A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

	Quote:
	A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

[Stephanwolf]

	Quote:	DaveA
	How about : "Got me a Meat Shakin' Woman, Meat shakin' on the bone, Got me a Meat Shakin' Woman, Meat shakin' on the bone, Every time she Dance some good man's dollars gone.." (Blind Boy Fuller, Meat Shakin Woman) ....... dave

Yo Dave, I like this one: Excerpt from
MEAT MAN
(Mack Vickery)
Performed by Jerry Lee Lewis:
.....
Been down to Macon
Ate the furs of a Georgia peach
I plucked a chicken in Memphis
Mama, still got the feathers in my teeth
I ate a pound of pork in Huntsville
From a fine Alabama hog
Ate a charcoal steak in Dallas
And fed the bone to a stray wet (Louisiana) dog
I'm the meat man
You oughta see me eat man
Oh, I'm the meat man
You oughta see me eat man
Lord, it don't make me no difference
Just as long as it's good meat
The meat man got no preference
If it's dog or rat, I'll eat it
....

[Stephanwolf]

I must admit, I did not read all 10 pages, so forgive me if this is a repost...


A penguin decided to take a day off from his job working at the zoo. He got in his car and drove into town.

Shortly after arriving, he began to experience car trouble. Lucky for him, he broke down next to a service station.

After explaining his problem to the mechanic, the mechanic told him to return in a couple of hours.

Not wanting to lose full advantage of his day off, the penguin decided to kill time in town.

He stopped at a bookstore and purchased a couple of books, and did a little window shopping.

Finally he stopped at a restaraunt and had fishsticks and some vanilla ice cream for dessert.

By then, it was time for the penguin to pick up his car. The mechanic steps out of the garage while wiping his hands on a shop towel and tells the penguin, "Well, looks like you blew a seal."

"Oh, no!" says the penguin, "Thats just ice cream."

[Rob]

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

MALE PROCEDURE:
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine. * 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
* 6 Put window up.
* 7 Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
* 1 Drive up to cash machine. * 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down.
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
* 9 Insert card.
* 10 Re-insert card the right side up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required.
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.
* 19 Re-check make-up again.
* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.
* 22 Retrieve card.
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.
* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
* 27 Release Parking Brake.

[Rob]

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

"£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
"£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist .
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off.
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful, but the price could drop to £40".
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "and it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you £5."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

[terryhall]

Settle down folks, it's a long one but it's worth it.

A man walks into a pub, and sits at the bar with a drink. A few minutes later another bloke walks in "Hi Dave" says the barman. As Dave sits down, all the other people in the pub say "Hi Dave". As new customers walk in, they all greet Dave before getting a drink.

The bloke asks the barman "Is he one of your regulars then?" "Nah," says the barman, "First time he's come in, but everyone knows Dave...don't you?" bemused the man says "No, don't know him at all." The barman says "Rubbish...go over and say hello, you MUST know him...Dave knows everyone in the world."

So the man goes over and says "Hi mate, sorry to interrupt but the barman just said that you know everyone in the world...is that true?" Dave says "Yeah, true enough"

So the bloke says "Rubbish!! Nobody can know everyone in the world"

"OK," says Dave. "Name me any 3 people, and I bet I know them".

"Fine." says the bloke. "Geroge W Bush, Gordon Brown, and The Pope."

"Eaaasy!" says Dave. "Come with me."

So they head off down the airport and jump a flight to Washington. As the checkin staff know Dave, they get a 1st class upgrade, and all the cabin crew bring them extra drinks for the flight as he's a personal friend. No need to check Dave's passport at customs, they already know him, and they're off to the Whitehouse.

The chief of staff comes down to greet them "Hiya Dave, same as usual?" Dave says "No not this time, this chappy doesn't believe I know everyone in the world, so I just need a chat with Dubya if he's got a minute?"

"Not a problem Dave, you know he's always got time for you."

5 minutes later they're in the Oval Office having a coffee with the President.

"Well," the man says "I'm impressed. But this proves nothing."

"I know," says Dave. "Three you said, three you get. George, can I borrow Air Force One for a few hours...?"

"No problems" says GWB. "Just don't bloody scratch it like last time."

So they jet back into London on Air Force One, on the flight Dave rings a mate and arranges a limo pick up to take them to no.10. Upon arrival they're greeted as before, and ushered in to see the PM. After a quick cuppa they're back out on the street.

"Right" says Dave "Vatican next"

Back onto Air Force One, and they head over to the Vatican, only to find that the square is packed with people. As they join the back of the crowd, one of the chaps there says "Hi Dave, come to see the Pope's speech have you?"

"Nah," says Dave "This chap doesn't believe I know everyone in the world so I'm heading up for a quick word with Benny".

"Better be quick then" says the chap, "He's on in 5."

Dave turns to the bloke from the pub and says "Right, you wait here, I'll nip up and say hello, do a quick wave from the balcony then we'll get back to the pub. 5 minutes." And away he goes, stops for a quick natter to see how the security guards wife is doing and pass on his regards, then up to see The Pope. As promised, he steps out on the balcony, waves to the crowd below, and then heads back down.

When he gets back to where they were stood, he finds an ambulance loading the chap into the back on a trolley.

"Bloody hell!" Says Dave, "What happened!"

"Well Dave," says the Paramedic, "He had a heart attack...he's coming round though so you can ask him yourself"

Dave gets in the back and says "You silly bugger! Told you I know everyone, surely it shouldn't have been such a shock after Dubya and Gordon..?"

"No," says the bloke, "it wasn't that....just when you and the Pope stepped out on the balcony, some fella behind me said "Who the f**ks that stood next to Dave..."


(yes, all that, for that...)

[Dodger]

(Not really a fan of geeky in-career jokes, but this one is worth passing on)



An opthamologist, a priest, and an engineer were out playing golf when they came upon an incredibly slow foursome ahead of them. The trio soon became frustrated and called the marshall over, asking him what was up with the foursome who were playing like blind men and taking so much time.

The marshall replied, "They ARE blind men. They are firefighters who recently lost their sight when the clubhouse caught fire... they saved numerous women and children from a horrible death, but all lost their sight. As a gesture of thanks, the club has given them free golf any time they want."

The opthamologist exclaimed, "How selfless! I will treat each and every one for free, perhaps I can restore their vision!"

The priest exclaimed, "How righteous those four are! I will dedicate a sermon in their honor and ask the congregation to pray for them!"

The engineer asked, "Why don't they play at night?"

[Rob]

You know why there are so few German jokes?
-Telling the punchline in the beginning kind of spoils the fun...

[Beanie101]

This one was told me by a restaurant-owner in Lausanne:

Q: What's the difference between sensual and kinky?

A: Sensual is when you caress your loved one with a white feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

Here's a silly seasonal one...


A Xmas tale.....


A Young man called Roger wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.

His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Roger got the knickers.

Good old Roger sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel, with the following letter:




Dear Sasha,

I chose these, because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.

If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all..

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.

She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean .In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them..

I wish i was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love


Roger..



P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little bit of fur showing.

[Tim]

With apologies if this is repeating something gone before.....

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business
function.

He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping -
Love you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what
happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am , drunk and out of your mind. You
broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye
when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a
rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and
when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed.....

"Leave me alone, b*tch, I'm married!!!".

Broken table - CHF200
Hot breakfast - CHF10
Two aspirins - CHF 0.5
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless

[swissotter]

it's christmas in 20 days - aren't we all excited! so in the spirit of this here is a-not-particularly-funny joke, but since its christmas season, we need corny jokes...



The politically correct Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

[Rob]

Two southern belles are sitting on a porch swing having a conversation:

Belle 1: Y'know, honey, for my first anniversary, my husband gave me this gorgeous diamond ring.

Belle 2: My, how nice.

Belle 1: And for my second anniversary, my husband gave me this lovely mink coat.

Belle 2: My, how nice.

Belle 1: And for my third anniversary, my husband gave be this beautiful Mercedes-Benz

Belle 2: My, how nice.

Belle 1: And what did your husband give you for your anniversary, honey?

Belle 2: Well, for my first anniversary, my husband sent me to charm school.

Belle 1: Charm school?

Belle 2: Yes. Charm school. So now, instead of saying, "F*** you, b***h!" I say, "My, how nice."

[Rob]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Rob]

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.

They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read .... "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly "I think the man would have said -"Well, f*** me!! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[Polorise]

Why don't Welshmen ever get a handjob from their other halves?

sheep don't have opposable thumbs

[Rob]

Three Labrador retrievers (chocolate, yellow and black colored) are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?"

The chocolate lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac", came the reply from the chocolate lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too", the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper", the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[Rob]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'