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  #301  
Old 10.12.2007, 10:51
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Two elderlymen are sitting on a park bench. Fred turns to Albert and says, "I don't know about you Albert but I'm feelin really old. You're about my age, how do you feel?".
Albert laughs and says, "like a newborn child".
"Really?"
"Yep, I've got no teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants".

Back with more later (go to do some work)
Will
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  #302  
Old 10.12.2007, 11:04
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the booze and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"



And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
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  #303  
Old 10.12.2007, 14:48
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A scouser was sitting alone in a pub, minding his own business and supping his pint.

He notices a very obviously gay man approach him, who then decides to take a seat next to the scouser.

"Fancy a blowjob?" The gay man asks

The scouser shot up, grabbed his chair and proceded to beat the man to a pulp.

The landlord rushed over and said "Bloody hell Kev?! What the feck?! What on earth did he say to you?"

"Dunno....Something about a job!"

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  #304  
Old 10.12.2007, 21:11
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

The pope died and went to the pearly gates St. Peter met him there ..
Hi, who are you '
Hi, I`m the Pope, and I belong here in Heaven.
St. Peter looks through his book, pope, pope,( he mutters under his breath) Well I,m sorry but I don`t see any Pope written in my book, you have to go over to the other side..
No,No,, says the Pope you`re mistaken, "I know " he says, " Ask Jesus, he knows me, after all I`ve worked for him my whole life".
"Well O.K." says St Peter. So he goes and rings up Jesus,
"Hey Junior, bloke at the gates, reckons he knows you, name Pope"
Jesus hums and hahs and then answers,
"No, Pope doesen`t ring a bell with me, tell him to go to the other side"
St. Peter tells the Pope what Jesus said.
"Well I`ll be damned ", said the Pope. "O.K. I know " said the Pope," Ask God he sure knows who I am".
St.Peter sighed, and picked up the phone again and called God..
"Sorry to disturb you Boss, but there`s a bloke at the door called Pope, reckons he knows you and that he belongs here in heaven".
"Pope, pope", says God, dosen`t ring a bell, "tell him to go to the other side". St. Peter delivers God`s message,
"I don`t believe it, I know ask the holy ghost he would for sure know me after all I`ve been preaching his message all my life":
St. Peter Rang the holy ghost up, "Hey Smokey, bloke here keeps insisting he belongs here, says he knows you good, name of Pope"
"That Bastard", said the holy ghost, "He`s been telling everyone on Earth for years that I`m Jesus` Father", send him to the other side...
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  #305  
Old 12.12.2007, 16:32
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Lady in confession box, "Forgive me father for I have sinned".

Father: "What is you sin child?"

Lady: "I have committed the sin of vanity. I look in the mirror at least twice a day and say how beautiful I am."

Father: "My child, that's not a sin, it's simply a mistake."
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  #306  
Old 19.12.2007, 11:35
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

she called me to get my phone number.

she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box
because it said ... 'concentrate.'

she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to
make up her mind.

she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

she tried to drown a fish.

she tripped over a cordless phone.

she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

she studied for a blood test.

when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the
home, she moved.

when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that
said 'Airport Left' she turned around and went home
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  #307  
Old 19.12.2007, 13:44
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Three racehorses were sitting in a pub bragging to each other about their track records.
The first horse boasts: "I've been in 59 races and I've won 35 of them."
"That's nothing," says the second horse. "I've raced 97 times, and I've won 78 of them!"
The third horse joins in: "Well, I've raced 122 times and I've won 102!"
Just then, the horses hear a voice say, "I've got you all beat!"
The horses look down and see a greyhound, who tells them: "I've raced over 200 times, and I have NEVER lost!"
The horses look at the dog in amazement.
One of them says: "How about that! A talking dog!"
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  #308  
Old 19.12.2007, 18:21
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A Newfoundland woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.

Oh, no, doctor, I couldn't do dat," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went"

It wasn't a week later, that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh jaysus Mary and Joseph, doctor, twas horrid. Just terrible!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did like you said and slipped it into his coffee. Lard, de effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging something fierce! With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and then, lard tunderin jaysus, didn't he take me right then and there, making wild, mad passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was not good?"

"No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I had in 25 years. ............. But, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton's ever again!"
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  #309  
Old 21.12.2007, 12:07
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Don't know if this has been posted already:

The ten Christmas Carols as featured in Marooned:
1. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disorientated Are
3. Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
4. Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic - Deck the Halls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and...
6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent Night, Holy, ooh look at the froggy - Can I have a chocolate? Why is France so far away?
__________________
I resemble that remark.
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  #310  
Old 21.12.2007, 12:21
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I am definitely no 9
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  #311  
Old 21.12.2007, 12:28
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

But where is 10?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - I'm dreaming of a super white, freshly scrubbed, disinfected Christmas...?
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  #312  
Old 21.12.2007, 15:12
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Hmmmm. . . . . I see what you did there. I send you an email and you post it on EF before I get a chance to do so. Bite me.

#9 is my favorite as well.


Quote:
View Post
Don't know if this has been posted already:

The ten Christmas Carols as featured in Marooned:
1. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disorientated Are
3. Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
4. Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic - Deck the Halls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and...
6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent Night, Holy, ooh look at the froggy - Can I have a chocolate? Why is France so far away?
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  #313  
Old 21.12.2007, 16:14
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Since it's that time of the year...





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  #314  
Old 04.01.2008, 21:34
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind Of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at The blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally... a smart blonde joke.
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  #315  
Old 08.01.2008, 09:03
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a
drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
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  #316  
Old 10.01.2008, 10:43
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

There was a language professor who was explaining differences in usage of negatives in various langauges.

"In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

And a voice with a broad Scottish accent piped up from the back:
"Aye, right."
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  #317  
Old 10.01.2008, 10:56
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Mr. Johnson stopped by his local drug store and while he was there he spotted a new condom ad by Durex promoting the 2010 winter olympics in Vancouver. For a limited time only, Durex was offering gold, silver, and bronze colored condoms for the olympian in every man. Excited, mr. Johnson buys a package of each color and rushes home to his wife and exclaims, "honey, tonight I'm going to be a gold medalist in the sack. A true olympic champion!". Mrs. Johnson ponders this for a moment and responds by asking her husband to wear the silver colored condom instead of the gold one. Mr. Johnson is confused by her request and asks her why she is being so particuler.

"Well dear", she responds, "I'd like you to come second for once."
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  #318  
Old 10.01.2008, 10:57
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
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  #319  
Old 10.01.2008, 11:05
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

What do you call a black man flying a plane???












































































A pilot you rasist!!!!!
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  #320  
Old 11.01.2008, 00:31
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A man rushes into the bar and comes up to the barman. He says "can you give me 10 Jägermeisters please"

The barman is surprised and asks the man why he wants s10 Jägermeisters, he replies "It's because I had the first blowjob in my life today"

The barman says "That's fantastic, have another one on the house" to which the man replies

"If 10 Jägermeisters isn't going to take the taste away why should 11?"
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