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  #321  
Old 15.01.2008, 10:30
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught Murphy at the door and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I lost my hat and I really, really loved that hat. I know that McGlynn has one just like it and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after the Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "So, after I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without a hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I suddenly remembered where I left my hat."
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  #322  
Old 15.01.2008, 10:32
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A guy was at the hospital visiting his Japanese neighbor, who had been involved in a serious car accident. He found his friend in the ICU, among many tubes here and there, all connected to various medical equipment. The patient was sleeping peacefully... when suddenly he got up in a shock, his eyes popping out, yelling "SAKARO AOTA NAKAMY ANYOBA, SUSHI MASHUTA!!!" Having said that, he died.

During the funeral, the guy approached his friend's mother and his widow, and hugging both of them he asked,

"Mrs. Fumiko and Mrs. Shakita, seconds before my friend Fuyiro passed away he told me some words I cannot forget: 'SAKARO AOTA NAKAMY ANYOBA, SUSHI MASHUTA!!!' Would you kindly tell me what do they mean?"

Fuyiro's mother fainted, and the widow looked at the guy with a shocked expression in her face. The guy insists, "What do these words mean, Mrs. Shakita?"

Furious, the widow replies, "That means 'STEP OFF THE OXYGEN TUBE, YOU SON OF A B*TCH!!!"
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  #323  
Old 15.01.2008, 13:38
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

BBQ RULES


ROUTINE...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill--beer in hand.

HERE COMES THE IMPORTANT PART:

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

MORE ROUTINE.....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

IMPORTANT AGAIN:

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

MORE ROUTINE:

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL:

(10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...

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  #324  
Old 15.01.2008, 15:57
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Last one of the day

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, two beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide them from the Germans; I hid them in my attic and they were never found."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told them that they had to pay for rent of the attic with sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding them; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell them that the war is over?"
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  #325  
Old 15.01.2008, 18:49
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to
be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and
a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious "Al-gebra"
movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math
instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y'
and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There
are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes."
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  #326  
Old 15.01.2008, 19:01
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and
was climbing into bed when his wife complained,
as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the
bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally or as a suppository,...
it's up to you!"
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  #327  
Old 16.01.2008, 14:39
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says,

"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings "

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says,

"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says,

"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states,

"Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear looks at him quizzically and says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
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  #328  
Old 17.01.2008, 20:55
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”

Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?” He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.”

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now? ” In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream.”

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  #329  
Old 17.01.2008, 20:57
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a bar in Cardiff.

The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink
after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually free. Then, when you've had enough drinks,they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meeself, personally, no," admitted Paddy "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
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  #330  
Old 17.01.2008, 21:01
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Little Johnny gets a new teacher for his infant class. Her name is Miss Franny, but unfortunately, all day long, Johnny refers to her as Mrs FANNY!

At the end of the day, in order to avoid further embarrassment, she takes Johnny aside, and tells him to practise saying "Franny with an "r" " all night, so as to have it right in the morning.

Sure enough, all the way home, Johnny is repeating to himself "Franny with an "r", Franny with an "r", Franny with an "r" ". He gets home and has his tea, all the time saying "Franny with an "r", Franny with an "r", Franny with an "r" ". As he goes up to bed, he's STILL saying "Franny with an "r", Franny with an "r", Franny with an "r" ".

He falls asleep saying it, and even wakes up the next morning mumbling it. All through breakfast, and even on the way to school, same thing.

Finally he walks into the classroom, and proudly greets hs teacher "Good morning Miss Crunt!"
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  #331  
Old 17.01.2008, 22:10
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A husband and wife were enjoying a round of golf and tee'd off from the third, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife sliced it - her shot headed for a plate glass window and shattered it into a million pieces.

The couple felt guilty so went to check the damage, but when they reached the house, there was no-one home. The husband called out and then noticed a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The husband asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - a scratch handicap for him, an annual income of CHF5,000,000 for her.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a multi-millionaire."

They thought long and hard about it, but finally the husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

"Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

"31."

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"
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  #332  
Old 17.01.2008, 22:14
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune after his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million pounds."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
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  #333  
Old 18.01.2008, 15:03
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile,
a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on
a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture
it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and
then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it
and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it,
have sex with it again and then burn it," said
the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist
said: "Meow."
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  #334  
Old 19.01.2008, 14:52
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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  #335  
Old 19.01.2008, 17:25
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Visual joke...

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  #336  
Old 21.01.2008, 10:31
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Apologies for misrepresentation.....

Attached Thumbnails
know-good-one-jokes-thread-pope.jpg  
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  #337  
Old 21.01.2008, 10:34
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Check out the (currently) third review for the OXO Tower in London.

"When my boyfriend told me..."
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  #338  
Old 21.01.2008, 10:39
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I had to read that twice before I got it.
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  #339  
Old 21.01.2008, 10:49
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

^^^

Have you read the 37 comments ?

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  #340  
Old 21.01.2008, 14:11
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Looks like they've spotted it... the review seems to have disappeared already
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