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  #341  
Old 21.01.2008, 17:17
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

But still to be found here (with comments): http://www.london-eating.co.uk/revie...nts/123446.htm

Quote:
When my boyfriend told me he wanted to take me up the Oxo Tower for my birthday, I was a bit hesitant at first because I didn't really think it was my scene. How wrong I was! I mean, yeah, so it's a bit of a strain on the old back pocket, and I admit I did feel a bit uncomfortable initially. But a couple of cocktails helped me relax and soon I was really getting into it - we carried on well into the night. It was a great experience and I really loved it - so much so that I won't let my boyfriend take me anywhere else now! So if anyone ever wants to take you up the Oxo Tower, just throw caution to the wind and go for it!
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  #342  
Old 21.01.2008, 17:35
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans. Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked. "I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school.

It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
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  #343  
Old 21.01.2008, 17:37
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

An American businessman travels to Japan to close a deal with a supplier. While he's there, he gets himself a "lady of the evening". During the evening, the woman has tears running down her face, and is screaming "Nungiya! Nungiya!"
The business man's ego assumes it's a great compliment.

The next day, while golfing with the supplier, the supplier nails a hole in one on a par five. The American, wanting to make an impression, exclaims "Nungiya!" The supplier turns to him and says: "The hell do you mean, 'wrong hole'"?
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  #344  
Old 22.01.2008, 12:38
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.

As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'

Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

'Your turn,' says the man.

'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
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  #345  
Old 22.01.2008, 12:47
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car. All of a sudden, the car broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, "I think the fan belt broke."

The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting fuel."

The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"

He said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."
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  #346  
Old 22.01.2008, 12:56
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Snowman funeral
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  #347  
Old 22.01.2008, 15:10
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

2 Old Gals

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
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  #348  
Old 22.01.2008, 18:53
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
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Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says,
"Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks,
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla,
but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet.....


You just made that up, g'wan, admit it..
Be careful with this. It would be far better to lose your wallet. See headline of the day today http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/4253849.stm
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  #349  
Old 22.01.2008, 21:56
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky.' [/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying). She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'

'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze four-sprung Duck technique!!!!![/FONT]




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  #350  
Old 22.01.2008, 22:02
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A Real Aussie Love Story!



Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Shazza, what the hell d'ya think ya doin'?"

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill me-self."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. "Shazza," he says, "Fair dinkum, not only are ya a top root, but you're a real sport too" .... and drives off!!
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  #351  
Old 23.01.2008, 15:25
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a
pile-up on the motorway.' 'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again
and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this
gently but your todger was chopped off in the wreck and we were
unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000
compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build
you a new todger that will work as well as your old one did, better
in fact. However, the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a
thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many
inches you want but it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go
for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. However, if you had a
nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher
this time she might be disappointed. Therefore it's important that
she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So, the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back
the next day.

'So' says the doctor 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor. . .

We're having a new kitchen.'
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  #352  
Old 23.01.2008, 17:00
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network
more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read:
" English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had
an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier
than the Scots."



One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee ,
Paddy Kelly, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years
ago Ireland had already gone wireless.
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  #353  
Old 23.01.2008, 22:22
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

"Hello?"

"Hi honey.

This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,"But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he 's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.


"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***


***Longer Pause***


***Even Longer Pause***


Then Daddy says "Swimming pool?

Is this 486-....?

Last edited by Rob; 23.01.2008 at 22:24. Reason: Formatting
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  #354  
Old 25.01.2008, 06:58
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. "He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now? he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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  #355  
Old 26.01.2008, 01:10
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Husband has half day at the office.
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  #356  
Old 26.01.2008, 07:22
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
View Post
Check out the (currently) third review for the OXO Tower in London.

"When my boyfriend told me..."
that one has been posted & deleted for at least four years now, nice that you caught it in a "live" phase.
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  #357  
Old 26.01.2008, 17:41
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones . Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
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  #358  
Old 26.01.2008, 19:32
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Scottish Romance. These are real ads from the lonely-hearts column.

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone,
Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango
sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion.
Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08



Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03


Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested
in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on
Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82 .


Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41


Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a
few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe
more Box 84/87


Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes,
seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we
bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy
journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32


Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will
include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social
functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45


Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the
arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big
chest. Box 40/27


Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering
dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07


Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler
competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978,
seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent
comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Box 30/41


Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for
the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm
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  #359  
Old 27.01.2008, 00:35
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.


After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers; the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt .. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".


Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.


The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."


Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.


The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.


The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"


The woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police...."
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  #360  
Old 27.01.2008, 11:50
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having
a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Bul Bahadur, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Bulbahadur had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Bul,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his brief c ase.

'Oh my gosh!' the wife exclaimed, 'Bul Bahadur is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?''

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, ' his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest
and let the poison work.'
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