know a good one? [jokes thread]

[Deep Purple]

I am reliably informed that this is genuine. Whether it is or not, it made me chuckle

[grumpygrapefruit]

Not genuine but I agree with the sentiment

[Tim]

	Quote:	Deep Purple
	I am reliably informed that this is genuine. Whether it is or not, it made me chuckle

My first instinct when I saw it was to yell out..

PETROCELLI !!

You'll have to go here and my post at 18.05.2007, 15:28 to find out why

I'm being very harsh, but it has appeared at least a couple of times on the forum before

[Flashman4]

	Quote:	Deep Purple
	I am reliably informed that this is genuine. Whether it is or not, it made me chuckle

Made me chuckle too the first time I saw it as post number eight here

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering

the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma

of his favorite scones wafting up the stairs.



He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself

from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way

out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the

railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.



With labored breath, he leaned against the

door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's

agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for

there, spread out upon the kitchen table were

literally hundreds of his favorite scones.



Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his

devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left

this world a happy man?



Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself

towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the

edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife

with a wooden spoon ......



off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

Subject: 5 minute management course
-------------------------------------

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Sh * t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts o n you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh* t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh* t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[gbn]

Number 1, very topical...

Bee Sting
A wife comes home from playing golf with her friends. “How was your day?” her husband asks.

“It was just awful,” she replies. “I got stung by a bee.”

“Oh, that must’ve hurt. Where’d you get stung?” the husband asks.

“Between the first and second holes,” she tells him.

“Hmm,” he says. “Sounds like your stance is too wide.”

__________________________________________________

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."

__________________________________________________

A blonde in Las Vegas goes up to the Coke machine, puts in a dollar, and gets a Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

Finally, the man behind her says, "Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?"

She replies, "Buzz off! Can't you see I'm winning?"

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil.

Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously,

"What part did you get?"

No offence to the Scottish Nuns, I tried to think of another order of nuns that this joke would work with, but the others just wouldn't come across the same if you think about it, besides, the ones I've met would probably only hoot out loud .

[Polorise]

A young male puts his shopping on the conveyor belt at his local supermarket. The items include an individual steak pie, individual trifle, a small tin of soup and a 30cl bottle of wine.

Checkout operator says, "On your own tonight are you"

The man replies "How can you tell"

To which the checkout operator replies, "Because you're ing ginger"

[Maple Leaf]

A Chinese man gets in bed with a prostitute and notices her clean shaven punanie and exclaims:



'Why no wool?'



She replies:



'U come to f*** or u come to knit?'

[sandiegan]

the dear God made the world, asked the switzer "Now what would you like? "Mountains". The dear god created the Matterhorn, huge glacier fields glistening with snow, many other spectacular peaks...said to the switzer, what else ? '"make me cows" the switzer replied. God made huge-eutered beautiful cows. The switzer milked a cow, tested the milk, was pleased, handed the dear God a glass. The dear God tasted the milk, it was good, said to the Switzer, "what else would you like ?"
"Three francs eighty"...

(Telling this joke, you switch on the last line to mundart, saying in an intense, persistent, slightly aggressive, self-satisfied tone:
Druuuefrankkkhen-aackhzig) (The switzer here changes from grateful petitioner and becomes the slightly arrogant owner, well knowing he is the prime European vacation destination...impatient now with God.)

	Quote:	basilea
	A swiss one. A man from zurich, a man from basel, a nun and a very sexy blone woman are sitting in the train. the train gets into a tunnel. when it's dark, the sound of an slap in the face is heard by everyone. when the train gets out of the tunnel again the nun thinks: one of the mans tried to touch the blonde an she beat him. the blone woman thinks: wow... one of those guys tried to touch me, touched the nun instead and she beat him. the zürcher thinks: ... i bet, the basler touched the blondie, she thought that it was me and hit me. the basler thinks: hopefully there's another tunnel, then i can hit the zürcher again.

[Polorise]

[robban]

A woman has a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends CHF30,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she asks the sales guy, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32"
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

Later she goes into McDonald's and asks the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29"
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50"

She starts to feel good, and stops at the chemist, again she asks the assistant, who responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." She thinks about it for a while, but finally says "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't," she says.

"I was standing behind you in McDonald's."

[Flashman4]

Retire to Alaska

Tom had been in the POLICE WORK for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 ..."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you."

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em".

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should
I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

[Polorise]

[Eire]

	Quote:	Polorise

Ahh... Polorise, don't you think you should have hit the clear button on recently visited before you posted that screen shot!

[Polorise]

	Quote:	Eire
	Ahh... Polorise, don't you think you should have heat the clear button on recently visited before you posted that screen shot!

very good .... not my screen grab, filched from the net : Urban Dictionary

commendable sharpness in return of serve all the same.

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Southwark South London and sees a card
advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies,
"Uh - yes I've had quite a few enquiries about this job. The job
entails you getting lady patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to
help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether
regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair
then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's
examination. There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid
you'll have to travel to Oxford."

"Oh why, is that where the job's based?"

"No. That's where the end of the queue is"

According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.


That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.