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  #21  
Old 21.08.2006, 13:19
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Re: know a good one?...

Old joke with a topical twist:

A rare but deadly sheep virus has reached the Netherlands, but the chances of it spreading to the UK are small, says Debbie Reynolds(dont I remember her from somewhere ?), chief veterinary officer for the UK.

The Secretary of State for Scotland has announced that the bluetongue virus is now known to be spread by midges, and not by sexual contact as previously thought. The entire Welsh nation have heaved a collective sigh of relief
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  #22  
Old 21.08.2006, 16:09
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Re: know a good one?...

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so
you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper.

"Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in
me."

"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"

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  #23  
Old 21.08.2006, 16:34
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Re: know a good one?...

A woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're
finally together.
"One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
=======

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Even old men can still be inspired to think quickly.
====
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  #24  
Old 21.08.2006, 16:46
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Re: know a good one?...

And a good old fashioned Englishman, Irshman and Scotsman joke, enjoy....

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded."Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies."Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta afford any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit."
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  #25  
Old 21.08.2006, 16:47
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Re: know a good one?...

At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot Died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the
International competition?"

"Si, Senor,that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird."

"What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thorougbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor!
A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!
"Yes Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod.
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?

"Your wife's, Senor Rod... "She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE.................. , LONG SILENCE...
"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"
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  #26  
Old 21.08.2006, 18:00
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Re: know a good one?...

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, we have no bread."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, we haven't got any f****** bread."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f****** bread! Ask me
again and I'll nail your f****** beak to the bar you irritating b*stard
of a f****** bird!"

Duck: "Got any nails?"

Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?
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  #27  
Old 29.08.2006, 12:43
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Swiss Jokes

Its probably gunna be a short thread but here goes:

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?" He asks. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez-vous français?" The two continue to stare. "Parlate italiano?" No response. "Hablan Ustedes espagnol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says: "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…"

"Why?" says the other, "that bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
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  #28  
Old 29.08.2006, 13:35
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A swiss one.

A man from zurich, a man from basel, a nun and a very sexy blone woman are sitting in the train. the train gets into a tunnel. when it's dark, the sound of an slap in the face is heard by everyone.
when the train gets out of the tunnel again the nun thinks:
one of the mans tried to touch the blonde an she beat him.
the blone woman thinks:
wow... one of those guys tried to touch me, touched the nun instead and she beat him.
the zürcher thinks:
... i bet, the basler touched the blondie, she thought that it was me and hit me.
the basler thinks:
hopefully there's another tunnel, then i can hit the zürcher again.
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  #29  
Old 29.08.2006, 14:00
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Basilea,

Love it! Laughing out loud just blew my cover when I'm pretending to be working...

=DM=
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  #30  
Old 29.08.2006, 14:06
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

thanks. is that an argument that swiss can tell jokes? hehe... makes me proud...

hang on... there'll come other ones. just have go to a meeting...
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  #31  
Old 29.08.2006, 20:37
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

LMAO love it, who ever had this idea is a genious
kt
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  #32  
Old 29.08.2006, 20:40
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first,start out dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and
you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you
become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.
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  #33  
Old 30.08.2006, 11:06
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
Whoah Katie, this is the jokes topic, not the dreams topic

=DM=
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  #34  
Old 30.08.2006, 11:09
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

although the point with the orgasm as the end of life isn't a too bad idea...
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  #35  
Old 31.08.2006, 16:34
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

talking of orgasms that reminds me of a joke about a biker and an old lady!!

1603 Mockingbird Lane

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket
and
an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a
couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store
he
now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird
Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot".
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry
the
goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this
alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a
lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
ravish me?
"The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil,
two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up
against the wall and do that?
"The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens!!!!!!!!! "
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  #36  
Old 31.08.2006, 19:17
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Diem we are both pretending to work. Well its 7pm I don't need to pretend any more.

see you
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  #37  
Old 31.08.2006, 23:35
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Q: What`s the difference between a sparrow?
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  #38  
Old 01.09.2006, 10:25
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
although the point with the orgasm as the end of life isn't a too bad idea...
So that you're guaranteed at least one, during your lifetime?

=DM=
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  #39  
Old 01.09.2006, 10:54
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

for some, like the lady in black at the (b)right side of this forum, this might be true...

but don't worry, this isn't true for me...
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  #40  
Old 02.10.2006, 08:52
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

WHY NOT TO RENT!

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her
for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he
did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a
cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the
whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a
cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:


"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not
sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that

#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasnt any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for
$250
with the following note:

"Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if
you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
landlady.
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