know a good one? [jokes thread]

[Eire]

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and
asked him to forgive me.
-----
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale
and sold the engine?
-----
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
-----
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.
-----
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-----
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
-----
well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.
-----
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.
-----
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have
a good hand.
-----
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
-----
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
-----
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
-----
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
-----
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
-----
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
-----
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.
-----
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. __._,_.___

[Eire]

40 Things you want to say at work... ...But can't!

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learned to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby, whiny-arsed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office; it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder --- my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humour... but different.

[Eire]

I found these mildly amusing.

[gbn]

	Quote:	Eire
	40 Things you want to say at work... ...But can't! 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learned to see it my way. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again... 11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 23. And your cry-baby, whiny-arsed opinion would be...? 24. Do I look like a people person? 25. This isn't an office; it's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. 27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 28. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 36. Chaos, panic, and disorder --- my work here is done. 37. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary. 39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 40. Oh I get it... like humour... but different.

41. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
42. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
43. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
44. You!... Off my planet!
45. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
46. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
47. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
48. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
49. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
50. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
51. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
52. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
53. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
54. Okay, okay, I take it back! Un you!
55. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
56. A woman's favourite position is CEO.
57. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
58. It ain't the size, it's the... no, it's the size.
59. Meandering to a different drummer
60. "Live like there's no tomorrow, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching"

[Maple Leaf]

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president. The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you? The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed. "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak.

Watch! "Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."

[Rob]

A young diehard Manchester City fan, who also happens to be a devout Catholic, goes to Rome with his mum. His big desire is to speak to the Pope. His mum tells him that the Pope will be doing a run round Rome in the popemobile the next morning and that he should wear his City shirt as the Pope is a big football fan and may stop to talk to him if he sees his football shirt.

Next morning the lad is decked out in his City shirt and gets a place right at the front of the crowd. As the Popemobile approaches it slows down and his heart starts to pound, but his excitement turns to dismay as it passes. The dismay turns to despair as the Popemobile stops further down and the Pope gets out and talks to a young lad in a United shirt. The City lad, overcome with grief goes back to his hotel with his mum and cries all night long.

When he awakes in the morning he sees a United shirt on the end of his bed. His mum comes in the room and says that he should wear it when the Pope does his tour of the City that day, to catch his attention as he obviously knows United from their European exploits. The boy remonstrates and says he could never wear a United shirt, but eventually his mum convinces him it is the best way to get to speak to the Pope. So sure enough the little lad wears the shirt and pushes his way to the front of the crowd. This time as the Popemobile approaches his heart pounds as it slows down, and this time stops. The Pope gets out and approaches him, leans forward, puts his hand on the lad's shoulder and says "I thought I told you yesterday, **** off back to London."

[swisscath]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged
that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they
went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold
my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex
than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me
shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and
Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer
willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with
a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !".

[swisscath]

This is the worst fishy story in the book
>
> The Prawn
>
> Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
>
> The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
>
> A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and Lo
and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
>
> Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his
old mate.
>
> Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark
boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
>
> While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
> He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
>
> With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends
> and bought them all a cocktail.
> (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
>
> Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his
old pal.
> "Where's Christian?" he asked.
> "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the
> enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
>
> Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came
flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
>
> Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

> Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
> changed.".........
>
>

>
> "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

[gbn]

Liverpool supporters

[gbn]

[Maple Leaf]

A muslim couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet
with their Mullah for counseling.

The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

Ahmed asks, 'We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with
men, and women to dance with women.
But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to
dance together.'

'Absolutely not,' says the Mullah. 'It's immoral. Men and women
always dance separately.'

'So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?'

'No,' answered the Mullah, 'It's forbidden in Islam.'

'Well, okay,' says Ahmed, 'What about sex? Can we finally have sex?'

'Of course!' replies the Mullah, 'Allah Akbar! Sex is OK within
marriage, to have children!'

'What about different positions?' asks the man.

'Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem),' says the Mullah.

'Woman on top?' Ahmed asks.

'Sure,' says the Mullah. 'Allah Akbar. Go for it!'

'Doggy style?'

'Sure! Allah Akbar!'

'On the kitchen table?'

'Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!'

'Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with
bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porn video?'

'You may indeed.. Allah Akbar!'

'Can we do it standing up?'

'No, absolutely not!' says the Mullah.'

'Why not?' asks the man.

'Because that could lead to dancing!'

[Polorise]

[Deep Purple]

Not jokes, strictly speaking - but they will probably make you laugh. These are a selection of conversations recorded in call centres. I am told they are all true. Make your own mind up:

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

More to follow

[tigerli]

The Pastor's Ass


The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it
won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local
paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next
day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get
rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day
the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was way too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy
back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

As God seems to like a spot of humour,,,,,

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3 He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2 He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do

Have a great Sunday and God bless us all,

Ros

[Marcashvin]

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a
booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I
want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,
what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[swisscheese]

A man receives a telephone call from a women. She say's "Hi John, remember me I'm Mary and we met at the ski chalet at Seven Springs last winter. We had drinks and you called me Good Sport Mary"

John feins no knowledge but Mary is insistant. "Sure John, remember we sat in the bar, you called me Good Sport Mary and we got really hammered. Afterward we went to your room and made love all night and you kept calling me Good Sport Mary."

John still feins ignorance.

Mary says: Well John I'm pregnant and if you don't marry me I'm going to jump out of my 35th story apartment window and kill myself.



John replies. "Gee Mary you are a Good Sport."

[PlantHead]

Whats brown and floats through space?


The captains log.

[PlantHead]

Q. How many surealists does it take to change a light bulb.

A. 2. 1 to get the clock, the other to hold the giraffe in the bath

*******

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb, the other to hold the penis cock ladder.

[Flashman4]

	Quote:	Maple Leaf
	A muslim couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counseling.<snip> </snip>'Because that could lead to dancing!'

The truth is out there...
Cleric attacks hardliners over wedding dance