know a good one? [jokes thread]

[robban]

Two women were playing golf. One tee'd off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

'It feels great,' he said, 'but I still think my thumb's broken.'

[robban]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. The next day the removal company collected her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow ends of the all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the property company refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that actually she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce cash settlement demand in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed to give her the house for a hugely reduced price, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

...including the curtain rods.

[Marcashvin]

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish.................................49.
Adventurous.....................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking................Moooo.
Beautiful.............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure...........On medication.
Feminist...............................Fat.
Free Spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first.....................Former slut.
New-Age........................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.....................No B.J.'s
Open-minded......................Desperate.
Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.
Professional........................Bitch.
Voluptuous......... ................Very fat.
Large frame..........................Hugely fat.
----------------------------------------------------
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes....................................No
No......................................Yes
Maybe.................................No
We need...............................I want
We need to talk......................You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead........................You better not
Do what you want..................You will pay for this later
I am not upset..............Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You're attentive tonight.....Is sex all you ever think about?
----------------------------------------------------

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

I am hungry...........................I am hungry
I am sleepy............................I am sleepy
I am tired..............................I am tired
Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!
I love you.............................Let's have sex now
I am bored..........................Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance?.........I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?.......I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you to a movie?.....I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you to dinner?......I'd like to have sex with you.
Those shoes do not go with that outfit.............I'm gay
----------------------------------------------------

[Polorise]

Old Gold ....

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks did hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called “Mate Match“.
The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers “yes”, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with phone number for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you’ve heard yet. Anyway, here’s how it all went down:
DJ: “Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of ‘Mate Match’?”
Contestant: (laughing) “Yes, I have.”
DJ: “Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.”
Contestant: “Brian.”

DJ: “Brian, are you married or what?”
Brian: (laughing nervously) “Yes, I am married.”
DJ: “Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.”
Brian: “Sara.”
DJ: “Is Sara at work, Brian?”
Brian: “She is gonna kill me.”
DJ: “Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?”
Brian: (laughing) “Yes, she’s at work.”
DJ: “Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?”
Brian: “About 8 o’clock this morning.”
DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) “Well…”
DJ: “Question #2 - How long did it last?”
Brian: “About 10 minutes.”
DJ: “Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake.”
Brian: “Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.”
DJ: “Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock
this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) “I, ummm, I, well…”
DJ: “This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?”
Brian: “Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks…”
DJ: “Uh huh…”
Brian: “…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.”
DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: “On the kitchen table.”
DJ: “Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife’s work number and call her up. You listen to this.”
[3 minutes of commercials follow.]
DJ: “Okay audience; let’s call Sarah, shall we?” (Touch tones…..ringing….)
Clerk: “Kinkos.”
DJ: “Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?”
Clerk: “This is she.”
DJ: “Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.”
Sarah: (laughing) “A couple of hours?”
DJ: “Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo… do you know the rules of ‘Mate Match’?”
Sarah: “No.”
DJ: “Good!”
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) “Brian, what the hell are you up to?”
Brian: (laughing) “Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.”
DJ: “Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.”
Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”
DJ: “Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?”
Sarah: “Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work.”
DJ: “What time?”
Sarah: “Around 8 this morning.”
DJ: “Very good. Next question. How long did it last?”
Sarah: “12, 15 minutes maybe.”
DJ: “Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?”
Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”
DJ: “Where did you have it?”
Sarah: “OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that did you?”
Brian: “Just tell him, honey.”
DJ: “What is bothering you so much, Sarah?”
Sarah: “Well…”
DJ: Come on Sarah…..where did you have it?
Sarah: “Up the a$$…”
After a long pause, the DJ said, “Folks, we need to take a station break”
And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

[Rob]

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

[Maple Leaf]

*Irish Lent*

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the
pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows,
but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three
more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders
and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town
is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of
the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering
why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers,
and one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised
each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we
drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and
soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and
source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners
would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The
bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest
of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around
town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me
first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your
brother. You know-the two beers and all.

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies,"You'll be happy to
hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I,
meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."*

[Marcashvin]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with
one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your
problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister
is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher ex-
plained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go
back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think
Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some
questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft
and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could
stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong.'

[Marcashvin]

American Indian Chief, 'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government
official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'


The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute
and then calmly re plied. 'When white man find land, Indians
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,
Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend
all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to
think he can improve system like that.

[grumpygrapefruit]

A lad from Leeds spent part of his gap year hitch-hiking around the states. At a small watering hole in the middle of the Arizona dessert he gets talking to some locals and asks who the Indian Guy in the corner sipping whisky is. He's told that he is called Memory Man as he knows all there is to know in the Universe and can remember everything that's ever happened.

The wise guy from Leeds brags to all in the bar that he can catch him out so wanders over to him and say's "Now then Mr Memory Man" Memory man put down his whisky, holds up his right hand and says "How!" Everyone in the bar is taking note and starts laughing and nudging elbows and the Leeds lad bashfully holds up his hand and says "How!" in return and asks. "OK then, if you know it all, who won the 1972 FA Cup final?"

Memory man stares at the Leeds lad and calmly replies "Leeds United, they beat Arsenal 1-0"

The bar erupts in laughter and cheers and the embarrassed Leeds lad slowly backs out of the bar.

Twenty years later he's taking his family on a touring holiday of America in a rented mobile home. Passing through the dusty Arizona town he remembers the incident and seeing the same bar decides to stop off for a break. Entering the bar he sees the same old Memory Man at the same table in the corner and tells his wife and kids the story. The wife persuades him to say hello so he wanders over, and remembering the ritual from 20 years ago, holds up his right hand and says "How"

Mr Memory Man puts down his whisky, looks at the Leeds and replies

"Alan Clarke, diving header, top right corner of the goal"

[Scott]

The last fight with my wife was my fault.

My wife asked,"What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"

[Scott]

BIRTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday! Monica Lewinsky turned 34. Can you believe it? It seems like only yester- day she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.


They grow up so fast, don't they?

[grumpygrapefruit]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow public library and demands a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian yells at him, "Clear away off - you'll no bring it back."

[Marcashvin]

1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoesoutside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying *******!You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about havinga son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Bul Bahadur, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Bulbahadur had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Bul,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his brief c ase.
'Oh my gosh!' the wife exclaimed, 'Bul Bahadur is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smithsand nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?''
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, ' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'

[Marcashvin]

Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain,
"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"
Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"b ecause I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery,
and theblood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss..
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is always in charge

[dod]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.














"No, from the f**kin' skippin"

[mark1978]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the
fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other
people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
so Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many
grandchildren.

Love, your son, John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
school report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for
me to come home.

Desert Island.


A boy is marooned on a desert island, and survives for another 10 or 15 years, when one day a young woman shows up, also apparently marooned.

She asks him, "So, what do you do around here?"

He replies something like, "Oh, pick coconuts, do a little fishing, and dig for clams."

She asks, "What about sex?"

Since he was marooned as a little boy, he has no idea. "Sex? What's that?"

So she proceeds to demonstrate.

"Well, what do you think?" she queries.

"Well,,,,, it felt real good, but hell,,,,, look what you did to my clamdigger!

"Never heard them called "that" before !

Ros

[Marcashvin]

LEXOPHILE (A LOVER OF CRYPTIC WORDS):


1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

[Scott]

As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs,
If we purchase computer it will all go to India If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala,
If we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan,
If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

	Quote:	Marcashvin
	LEXOPHILE (A LOVER OF CRYPTIC WORDS):

Thanks Marcashvin. I am obviously a lexophile, even if I can't find the word in a dictionary