know a good one? [jokes thread]

[Deep Purple]

	Quote:	JVC
	Thanks Marcashvin. I am obviously a lexophile, even if I can't find the word in a dictionary

I think that the word you really want is logophile

[Marcashvin]

Slogans from National Condom Week

1. Cover your stump before you hump.

2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.

5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

6. You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong.

7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.

12. If you go into heat, package your meat.

13. While you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis.

14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse.

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

16. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

18. The right selection will protect your erection.

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

20. A crank with armor will never harm her.

21. No glove, no love!

[StuartP]

Who said Scots Romance is dead! ADS from the
lonely-hearts column.

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone,
Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango
sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion.
Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested
in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on
Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41

Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a
few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe
more Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes,
seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we
bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy
journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will
include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social
functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old ******* living in a damp cottage in the
arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big
chest. Box 40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering
dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler
competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978,
seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent
comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Box 30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for
the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm

[Marcashvin]

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hello?'



'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'



'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'



After a brief pause, her father says:


'But, honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.


'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'



Brief pause.



'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table,

Run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's

Car has just pulled into the driveway'



'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'



A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.



'I did it, Daddy.'



'And what happened, honey?' he asked.



'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'



'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'



'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

'He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'



Long Pause



Longer Pause



Even Longer Pause



Then Daddy says,



'Swimming pool...??? 'Is this 486-5731?'



'No'said the little girl. 'I think you have the wrong number.'

[Marcashvin]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde
with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh ,' I accidentally said,
'I'd like two tickets to Tittsburgh'........... So she socked me a good one."The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue
twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'
But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'

******************************

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial
embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea.....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not?" giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own blanket."

[tigerli]

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words After stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap For mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But just Before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either The Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions
Following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball With a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in His neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows.

His neighbors were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the Ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You Want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon".

True story...

[radical_mit]

'We in Switzerland cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an
election.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a
lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge
chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?'

[Marcashvin]

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and
brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
she asks,"What about the smell?"

He says,"Hold its nose."

****************************

One morning while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You
know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdles." This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with
silence. Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the balls. Maintaining a vice grip she whispered in ear, "You know dear if
you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."

******************************

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Why don't you wear
Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

[Talita]

How about this one?

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke.....

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde guy's wife said,

"Don't look at me. He made his own lunch!"

[robban]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.

[Tim]

	Quote:	robban
	A father passing by his son's bedroom .......

PETROCELLI !!

This is a repeat of the joke from on the previous page!

See post no. 363 on the thread for another shout of Petrocelli and the means to discover what it stands for!

[robban]

Oops and there was me thinking I'd read them all...

[Rob]

There's a TV audience-participation type chat show and the subject for the day is the supernatural.
The presenter says to the audience "OK, stand up if you've ever heard of anyone seeing a ghost." Half of them stand, big round of applause etc.

"Right, remain standing if you've actually seen a ghost yourself, otherwise please sit down again." A lot of people sit down, but there's still quite a number standing.

"Wow!" says the host. "Well, what about anyone who's actually touched a ghost?" Most of the people are sitting down by now, but there's a few still standing, looking around self-consciously.

"Now for the big one," says the host, "now I know this might sound a bit risque, but has anyone here actually had sex with a ghost?"

Everyone sits down, except for one old white-bearded bloke in shabby clothes. Everyone's looking at him, of course.

"My goodness, sir," says the presenter, walking right up to the man. "I don't think we've ever had anything quite like this happen on the show before. Would you mind sharing with us the story of how you came to have sex with a ghost?"

The old bloke slaps himself on the forehead and shakes his head.
"Ah," he says, "ghosts! Oi thought you were talkin' about goats!"

[Tim]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.


Ontheday the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissedhis wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door babyphotographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,"I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".


After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple onthe bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. Youcan really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't workout for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take histime. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just hadtopack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

[Flashman4]

Thanks for that Tim

I love photography jokes!

[Maple Leaf]

A GUY WALKS IN AND SITS DOWN AT THE END OF THE BAR. JUST A FEW SEATS
DOWN FROM HIM, SITS A VERY BUXOM BLONDE WITH HUGE SIZE 44DD BREASTS.


THE GUY ORDERS A BEER. THE BARTENDER FILLS THE MUG AND SLIDES IT DOWN
THE BAR. IT HITS THE LADY'S BOOBS AND SPLASHES ALL OVER THEM. THE BARTENDER
GOES OVER, RETRIEVES THE MUG AND LICKS THE BEER OFF THE BLONDE.


EACH TIME HE CALLS FOR A BEER THIS HAPPENS. SO AFTER HIS THIRD BEER, HE
DECIDES TO HELP THE BARTENDER OUT. THE NEXT TIME THE BARTENDER HITS HER
BOOBS, THE MAN JUMPS UP AND STARTS TO LICK HER BREASTS...AND SHE DECKS
HIM!!!.


HE'S LAYING ON THE FLOOR MOANING AND GROANING, "JEEZ...THEN WHY DO YOU
LET THE BARTENDER DO IT?"

"BECAUSE," SAYS THE BLONDE , "HE HAS A LICKER LICENSE !"

[Mr Happy]

Hundreds of stag parties have cancelled trips to Vienna after media reports of Austrians locking up their daughters.

[Mr Happy]

	Quote:	tigerli
	On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words After stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap For mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But just Before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either The Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions Following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball With a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in His neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the Ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You Want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon". True story...

I believe the correct quote was "Anal Sex! You Want anal sex?! You'll get anal sex when the kid next door walks on the moon".

[ElJeFe]

Q. What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic and an atheist?

A. Someone who lies in bed staring at the ceiling wondering if there's a dog.

[robban]

Two Dubliners are shopping in London, with one too many a Guiness down them.


Paddy looks in a shop window and says "look at dat, suits £10, shirts £2 Trousers a foiver; let's get in and buy some mate, dere a bargain".


Shamus replies "This is Britain, let's put on a posh British accent in case dey rip us off". Both walk in and list the clothing they'd like to buy in their best imitation of snooty best English accents.


The shopkeeper says " you're Irish aren't you?"


"How could you tell?" say the two disappointed lads.


"'This is a drycleaners..."