know a good one? [jokes thread]

[dod]

[Marcashvin]

Bonza mate ,,,,,

Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of
living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few
days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across
and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his
way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front
yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese
customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about
to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the
Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to
interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on
hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last
go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull
down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese
man and says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running
around the yard after hens. The next day you are ****ing in a glass,
and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that
bull's bum, it could just about **** on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you no
understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'

'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man,
' He say to become true Australian, I learn to chase chicks, drink
****, and listen to bull-****'

[Flashman4]

=What Not To Name Your Dog=Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Spot" I made the mistake of calling mine "Sex".
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too!" Then I said, "But this is for a dog." He said, "I don't care what she looks like." Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. Not wanting the dog to bother us, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a dog show, before the competition began, another contestant asked me what I was doing. I told him that I planned to have Sex in the show. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. When I asked if the show was televised he called me a pervert.
I left my dog at the Veterinarian. When I went to pick him up I said, "I've come for my dog." She said, "Which one, Spot or Rover?" I said, "What about Sex?" She slapped me. After I straightened out the misunderstanding, I asked if Sex was good for her. She slapped me again.
Sex ran away, I went to the dog pound. As I was looking in all the cages the operator came up to me. I said I'm looking for Sex. He said I was looking in all the wrong places.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." He said, "What's your point, so did I." I said, "But my wife wants to take Sex away." He said, "That's what happens in a divorce."
Last night Sex ran off. I spent hours looking for him all over town. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up Friday.

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

Ros

[oscarsmum]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Porsche convertible out of the Dealership in Butte; MT. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying The wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

Amazing, he thought, as he flew down I-90, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this', and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Porsche, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused and then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with A State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir', replied the Trooper.

[tigerli]

Hansli's parents were getting divorced and the judge had to decide who would gain custody of the child.
The judge asked Hansli "Would you like to stay with your father ? ".
"No" said Hansli, "He beats me too often".
"So you would like to stay with your mother ? ".
Hansli: "No, she also beats me from time to time too".
Judge: "Is there anyone else you would you like to live with ? "
Hansli: "Yes , I'd like to stay with the Swiss Nati(onal football team). They never beat anyone".

[Rob]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son
were strolling around while the wife shopped.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by some shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's 'at?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son
'....'Boy......go git cha Momma......'

[Mr Happy]

	Quote:	Edward
	Early in the coldest winter the state of qharang has noticed, a bunch of intrepid treasure seekers come across an opening in the seeemingly inpenatrable mountain of the gods. They walk in.... they see a bunch of bodies in the cave. One of the explorers exclaims, This is Adam ... How Did he know ?

??? Can some one explain??

[dod]

A bloke walks into John Lewis Oxford Street and looks like a normal bloke in a big shop, a bit lost. One of those many assistants come up to him and asks if she can help.
"Urrm, yes, could you tell me where the womens' department is please?"
"Certainly sir, it is on the first floor, the escalator is over there"
"Thank you"
On reaching the first floor, the man stops again and looks equally quizzical. Another assistant comes over.
"Hello sir, can I help you?"
"Is this the women's department?"
"Urr, yes sir, what is it you are a looking for?"
"A Hoover!"

[Maple Leaf]

When I say I'm broke, I MEAN I'm BROKE!!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'

[swissotter]

Guy and gal go on date to trattoria. They arrive, they order and she disappears to powder her nose.
He waits 10 minutes...
He waits 20 minutes...
He waits half an hour!
'Will she ever return?' He sighs. When she eventually comes back, the food has arrived and he's squidging the pasta about with his fingers.

'What on earth do you think you are doing', she screams in disgust.

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'I was just feeling cannelloni'

(come to think, this should probably go under the bad jokes, thread

[swissotter]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she."

[swissotter]

An airline captain was breaking in a new stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Mr Happy]

	Quote:	swissotter
	An airline captain was breaking in a new stewardess.

this joke didn't go the way I was expecting...

[Rob]

Santa and the FAA

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration. The FAA examiner arrived for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and put his flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

“What's that for?” asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, “but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”

If Adam and Eve were chinese,we would all still be in paradise! You know why? They would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake!

[oscarsmum]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'
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God replied: 'I didn't bloody recognize you.'

[Swissaholic]

A guy walks into a Doctor's Surgery wearing nothing apart from being wrapped in clingfilm.

The doctor looks up and exclaims

'I can clearly see ur nuts'

[edster]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone."
The man below said, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[buli]

H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!!!! love it