know a good one? [jokes thread]

[Zonker]

Tom has met the woman of his dreams. They get engaged, the wedding is beautiful and off they fly to Jamaica for the most wonderful honeymoon. As a surprise and to show his devotion to her, he got her name, Wendy, tatooed on his p***s. Usually one can only see "W" and "y" but at certain times, the entire name is visible.

One day, Tom goes to the restroom on the edge of the beach and a local man walks in also. Tom glances over at the other man and notices a tatoo in the same place.

"Oh! Is your girlfriend also named Wendy?" he asks.

"No, man. It says: 'Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.'"

[Maple Leaf]

Blonde Joke

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.

The redhead sighs and says, "Oh crap! My boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies, "I love getting flowers, but he always has
expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

[oscarsmum]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a
couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt
absolutely horrible about what she was doing.



She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad
that she killed herself.



It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and,
after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.






Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren
began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.










So they buried Deirdre.

[gbn]

Two men walking through a graveyard walking their dogs and one man turns to the other and says "Morning", and the other man replies "No, just walking the dog."

[gbn]

Q. What is the difference between a Scottish man and a member of the Rolling Stones?

A. A member of the Rolling Stones says, "Hey you! Get off my cloud!"
The Scot says, "Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!"

[swissotter]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked her rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered,







'Is that one word or two?'

[swissotter]

A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a snog from a nun."

The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."

"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to kiss the cab driver. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.

"What's so funny?" the nun asks.
"Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"

"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Dave and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."

Ancient telephone networks:

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.

Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."

Ros

[higgybaby]

	Quote:	gbn
	Two men walking through a graveyard ....

A Swiss bloke told me this one....sorry in advance to all Britlish Femme fatales.

Two French men were ambling past a graveyard one afternoon and one spots a man on top of a woman obviously having al fresco sex.
So he nudges his friend and nods towards the amorous couple.
After a few seconds the second man notices that the woman underneath is motionless and he suddenly realises that they're witnessing necrophelia.

He says to his friend, "He's shagging and corpse. We'd better tell the police."
They run to the village police station and raise the alarm.
"Hurry. It's disfraceful. There is a man having sex with a adead woman in the graveyard."

The policeman grabs his hat and rushes off to his bike to investigate.

Ten minutes later he returns on his own and the first friend says, "You are here alone what happend? Why didn't you arrest him?"

The policeman replies, "It was very embarassing. The woman wasn't dead, she was British!"

[swissotter]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

[xfreakx]

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Things That Sound Dirty on Thanksgiving But Aren't
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

[Rob]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. these were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied,

'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

[Not a desperate housewife]

Subject: The Importance of Underwear

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.........from the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in thelot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband,who had been standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitchesin his forehead.

[Not a desperate housewife]

Ok, this one's a bit old, but pertinent considering the forum:

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland .

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could go ahead and sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow travelling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'

The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'

[Tim]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she would mind him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'........

'So I just switched the heads.'

[Verbier]

British Hospitality:

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.


After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.


He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.


As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."


"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."


"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.


"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.


Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"


"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

[swissotter]

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' "Get it - - duuhhh?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
.
.

[Not a desperate housewife]

Marriage - The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next
day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 am' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The
paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'

[dod]

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace. I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives.

A doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who blurry gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.

[Sada]

... you must be in a terrible state by now, no ??!!

	Quote:	dod
	By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace. I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives. A doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who blurry gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.