know a good one? [jokes thread]

[mirfield]

"Where is Sarah Palin from?"

"Alaska"

"No, don't bother. I'll look it up on the Internet"

[radical_mit]

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to
dance?"
The girl haughtily says, "I don't like this song, but even if I
did, I wouldn't dance with the likes of you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said
you look fat in those pants."

[radical_mit]

An amnesiac walked into a bar.
He said, "Do I come here often?"

[KAKA]

[FONT='Book Antiqua', 'serif']Something to keep you laughing .[/FONT]





[FONT='Book Antiqua', 'serif']COMPUTER DIAGNOSIS...[/FONT]




One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was
printed:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine,
poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.


DAM FISH.......

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the ****ing potatoes.

Buying Condoms ...

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist






The Irate Customer....

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."



[FONT='Arial', 'sans-serif']Williams Marriage...[/FONT]

One Sunday morning, William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married for thirty years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heartbroken. After 8 months, he eventually started dating girls again. A year later, he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

[FONT='Arial', 'sans-serif']What they Really Mean...[/FONT]



What a woman says, what she really means...

• <LI class=MsoNormal>I need = I want <LI class=MsoNormal>We need = I want <LI class=MsoNormal>It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now <LI class=MsoNormal>Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later <LI class=MsoNormal>We need to talk = I need to complain <LI class=MsoNormal>Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to <LI class=MsoNormal>I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! <LI class=MsoNormal>You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot <LI class=MsoNormal>You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? <LI class=MsoNormal>I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS <LI class=MsoNormal>Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs <LI class=MsoNormal>This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house <LI class=MsoNormal>I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper... <LI class=MsoNormal>I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade <LI class=MsoNormal>I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep <LI class=MsoNormal>Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive <LI class=MsoNormal>How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate <LI class=MsoNormal>I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. <LI class=MsoNormal>Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful <LI class=MsoNormal>You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me <LI class=MsoNormal>Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead <LI class=MsoNormal>Yes = No <LI class=MsoNormal>No = No <LI class=MsoNormal>Maybe = No <LI class=MsoNormal>I'm sorry = You'll be sorry <LI class=MsoNormal>I was wrong = Not as wrong as you <LI class=MsoNormal>Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it <LI class=MsoNormal>Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
• I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!

What a man says, what he really means...

• <LI class=MsoNormal>I'm hungry = I'm hungry <LI class=MsoNormal>I'm tired = I'm tired <LI class=MsoNormal>Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you <LI class=MsoNormal>Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you <LI class=MsoNormal>Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you <LI class=MsoNormal>Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you <LI class=MsoNormal>Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! <LI class=MsoNormal>You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you <LI class=MsoNormal>What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now? <LI class=MsoNormal>You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question <LI class=MsoNormal>Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before <LI class=MsoNormal>Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!
• I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!

[radical_mit]

coke addict returns home from boozer one night & in need of a hit - searches everywhere with no luck - eventually, finds some curry power & decides to give it a snort - ends up overdosing... the police found him the next day in a korma...

[oscarsmum]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra.

Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
****Get off the roundabout.......you're ****ed ***

[asdfasdf]

Why men have better friends

Friendship between women: A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.


---------------------------------

Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

------------------------------------------------------

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.

[dod]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank whole bottles of wine, chatted for hours on the phone to friends, always had a clean house, watched chick flicks without feeling guilty, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, didn't have to pay for dual view TV, travelled more, had a career, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, owned every remote control in the house, never wore friggin lacy lingerie that went up her arse, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, and felt and looked fabulous all the time.

THE END

[higgybaby]

Dr Ruth was a famous TV sex therapist.....

[Swiss Cheddar]

	Quote:	asdfasdf
	Why men have better friends Friendship between women: A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship between men: A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.

lol thats great!!

[oscarsmum]

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive More than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might See yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'


The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.


'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he Fondled them for several minutes..

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was Sporting a
huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful .. . Stick it in the camel and let's get The hell out of here!'










--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[oscarsmum]

Hope it comes through!

[swissotter]

Q: what's the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker?

A. A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.

[Sutter]

Dave works hard at the factory and spends most evenings bowling or playing 5 aside football. His wife thinks he his pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says "Hey Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he`s been to this place befor. "Oh no," says Dave. "He`s on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he`d like his usual Beer.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that women to know you drink Beer." "No Darling, she`s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi Davey." she says, "Want your usual table dance?".

Dave`s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a taxi. Before she can slam the door he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight , Dave!"

[dod]

[swissotter]

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”
The old laday in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
.
.
.
.
.

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t.”

[Sada]

A Woman's Prayer ?

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

[swissotter]

These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench
having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.



But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far. ........

[Rob]

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:

Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:

MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:

ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:

Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:

TittyTittyBangBang

[Deep Purple]

Reminds me of an old one:

If National Westminster Bank and Abbey National Building Society had merged would they have become National National or Westminster Abbey?

Rod