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  #521  
Old 09.10.2008, 20:26
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

An English professor wrote the words "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.


The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."


The women wrote: "A woman: Without her, man is nothing."


Punctuation is everything!
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  #522  
Old 09.10.2008, 20:37
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

=The Wayside Chapel (W.C.)= An English woman, while in Switzerland, looked at several rooms in a large apartment house. She told the schoolmaster who owned the house that she would let him know about renting one of the rooms later.



However, after she arrived back at her hotel, the thought occurred to her that she had not asked about the water closet (bathroom). She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking about the "W.C., "being too bashful to write out the words "water closet."



The Swiss schoolmaster, who was far from being an expert in English, did not know what the initials "W.C." meant. He asked the parish priest, and together they decided that it meant Wayside Chapel.The schoolmaster then wrote the following letter to the very surprised woman.
Dear Madame,


I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is located seven miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sunday and Thursday only. I recommend that you come early,although there is plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.


You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others who can afford it go by car and arrive just in time. I would especially suggest that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is social music. Acoustically, the place is excellent.


It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C., and it was there she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats.


The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings joyously every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all, since the people think it is a long-felt need.


My wife is rather delicate and does not go regularly. Naturally, it pains her very much not to attend more often.


If you wish, I shall be glad to reserve the best seat for you where you will be seen by all. Hoping I have been of service to you, I remain,


Sincerely,


The Schoolmaster
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  #523  
Old 10.10.2008, 09:42
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, “God, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning.”

“Oh, is that so? Explain…” replies God. “Well,” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”

“Well, that’s very interesting… show Me.”

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. “No, no, no…” interrupts God, “Get your own dirt.”
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  #524  
Old 13.10.2008, 12:03
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having. All these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says , 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says , 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.

Her husband again says , 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife ' .
'She's not my wife '
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  #525  
Old 13.10.2008, 12:24
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
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  #526  
Old 13.10.2008, 16:21
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A Tongue Twister in French and one that makes even sense

Chez les papous, y'a des papous à poux, et des papous pas à poux...
Mais chez les papous, y'a des papous papas et des papous pas papas...
Donc chez les papous, y'a des papous papas à poux, des papous papas pas à poux... des papous pas papas à poux et des papous pas papas pas à poux...
Mais chez les poux, y'a des poux papas et des poux pas papas... Donc chez les papous, y'a des papous papas à poux papas, des papous papas à poux pas papas, des papous pas papas à poux papas et des papous pas papas à poux pas papas.
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  #527  
Old 13.10.2008, 20:42
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his
girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.

The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the
glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and
puts it down on
the table with a thud. 'This is not the 1928 Mouton.'

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are other twenty people
surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince
the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he
knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

'My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine.'

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the
Clerc Milon 1928. 'I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928
Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick
the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you
put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use
eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for
a small matter of geographic location.'

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, 'When you return
home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in
one opening, and another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers.
You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location
makes.'
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  #528  
Old 14.10.2008, 15:20
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Some Scottish jokes from the Herald:

Dining out.
MEANWHILE, in Edinburgh, we hear from a barman who was approached by a group of American tourists who asked if they served food.
"Only pies and toasties," he replied.
"Could we get the menu then?" asked one of the visitors.
"Certainly," replied the barman who wrote: "Pies and Toasties £1.50" on a beer mat and handed it to them.


Taking the biscuit.

OUR whisky smuggling stories remind retired Lanarkshire teacher Fred Gibbons of when a colleague brought half-a-dozen Tunnock's caramel wafers to staff meetings for three days in a row, before the supplies abruptly stopped.

The teacher explained they had been a gift from a boy in his first-year class. The teacher offered to pay for them but the boy refused, saying: "It's all right, Sir. Ma maw works in Tunnock's."

It was only on day three when the teacher insisted on paying that the lad added: "But, Sir, she smuggles them oot inside her knickers."

Says Fred: "It was a long time before any of us ate another caramel wafer
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  #529  
Old 14.10.2008, 17:05
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I have a joke really happened in my office in Taiwan few yaers ago.
One day my colleague Ian got a call from India.
He answered " This is Ian speaking "
(Very old fashion way we learned from school. I know)
The other said " Hello, Mr. Speaking. ...... "
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  #530  
Old 14.10.2008, 22:48
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
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Q: what's the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker?
A. A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.
I also saw that one on the BBC's list of readers' credit crunch jokes:

One from me first:
I wonder with global warming and its economy goning into meltdown if they ought to rebrand Iceland as "De-Iceland"

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7663475.stm

=Your credit crunch jokes =

Jokes about the current financial crisis are spreading through offices, blogs and chat rooms.
According to psychologists, at times of crisis, humour can provide a vital way of expressing frustration at a baffling situation.

BBC News website readers have been sending us their own humorous views about the credit crunch.

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Emma Ives, Dorking, Surrey, UK
How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
Sara, London, UK
What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Niall Davidson Petch, Lincoln, UK
An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son: 'Icesave?!' What is this, some sort of scam?"
Anthony, Paris, France

Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"
Phil, London, UK

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
Daniel, Calgary, Canada
What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons? The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's
Rob, London, UK
Why did the Banker cross the road? - Because he stapled himself to the chicken.
Charles Brockley, Norwich , Norfolk, UK
What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Tom, London, UK
We've been playing office bingo with phrases like "In The Current Climate.." to see how many times we hear it in a week..
Jen, Ipswich, UK
I've re-named my morning bowl of muesli at the desk Credit Crunch.
Robert Fulford, London, UK
Three investment bankers are sitting outside a coffee shop, sipping glumly on their cappucinos. The first one says "It's terrible, I have lost five million on my accounts this morning, there is no way to recover my losses. When I get back inside I'm going to go past my office, up to the fifth floor, open a window and jump out" The second one says "You think that's bad; I've lost nine million on my accounts in the last hour, I have nothing left. I'm going to ride the lift all the way up to the ninth, open a window and jump out" The third one says "I'm glad our building only has fourteen floors."
Bob, High Wycombe, UK
The last time Iceland had a crash like this aisle three was closed all day.
Stuart Harley, West Malvern, UK
Q: Why are all MBAs going back to school?
A: To ask for their money back.
G. Reinis, Lafayette, CA USA
I had a cheque returned earlier. "Insufficient Funds" Mine or the banks?
Pyers Symon, Worcester
What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common? They both have frozen assets
Stuart Harley, West Malvern, UK
Money talks. Trouble is, mine only knows one word - goodbye.
Nigel Macarthur, London, UK
What is a banker's favourite chocolate bar? A credit crunchie!
Susanna Page, Chiddingfold, UK
Why didn't the little boy get any pocket money this week?
Cos his Mum's gone to Iceland!
Susanna, Chiddingfold, UK
For Geography students Only: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...
John Green, Chessington, Surrey, UK
Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.
Jez, Frodsham,UK
Funnily enough, I run a creative thinking course which uses comedy to demonstrate how novel solutions can be found. When I approached the banks with the idea of running the course for their staff, they laughed. I bet they're not laughing now...(to paraphrase Bob Hope).
Ivor Tymchak, Wakefield, UK
Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."
Sottovoce , Cambridge, UK
QUESTION: How do you successfully freeze your financial assets?
ANSWER: Invest in an Icelandic bank
Madeleine Smallman, UK Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday!
Geoff Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: 'I don't want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other...
David, Cambridge, UK


http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7659334.stm

Q: What is the one thing Wall St and the Olympics have in common?
A: Synchronised diving
Comedian Steve Punt

I went to buy a toaster and it came with a bank

Q: What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't short-sell anything?
A: Quarter pounder with fries please

Q: How many commodities traders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they don't change bulbs; but the trading price of darkness plummets due to oversupply

Q: Entries from a new financial dictionary:
Broker: What my stock adviser has made me
Standard & poor: Your life in a nutshell
Cash flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

When someone tells you 'I'm terribly sorry that the collateral debt obligations that were securitised as part of our ongoing risk amelioration programme have resulted in a capitalisation issue that affects our Human Resources capacity', what that means is: 'You're fired'.
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  #531  
Old 15.10.2008, 17:20
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck?', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, 'I have some really great news!'
I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!'
Then she said, 'There's more!'
I asked, 'What do you mean 'more'?'
She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!' Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....


'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'
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  #532  
Old 19.10.2008, 20:41
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

This guy was walking through the zoo one day. When he was in front of the gorilla cage he bent down to tie his shoe. He noticed through the corner of his eye that the gorilla had also bent down.
Then when he stood back up he saw that the gorilla also stood back up. To see if it was a coincidence, he bent down to tie his other shoe and once again the gorilla bent down. He stood up and the gorilla stood up.
After glancing over his shoulder to make sure that nobody else was around, the man jumped up in the air. And you guessed it, the gorilla jumped up.
The man was getting a kick out of it. He started making faces at the gorilla and the gorilla would copy everything he did.
Finally the man got next to the cage and pulled the lower lid of his right eye down.
At this point the gorilla reached through the cage pulled the guy in, threw the guy around the cage, and generally beat the **** out of him, then threw him back out of the cage.
After hearing all the commotion, the zookeeper came running over to the man.
"What on earth happened?" asked the zookeeper.
"I don't know" said the man. "He seemed calm a second ago. I was jumping around and he was jumping around and he was doing every thing I was doing. Then all of sudden after I did this (pulls lower eyelid down) he got all mad and beat the hell out of me."
"Well, no wonder!!!" exclaimed the zookeeper. "That," (pulls lower eyelid down) "means F... YOU in gorilla talk!"
"Oh," said the man,,,, not quite satisfied.
He left the zoo but returned an hour later with a large shopping bag. Again, after making sure that no one was watching, he started jumping around and the gorilla did the same.
After a minute or two of this he grabbed the bag and pulled out two butcher knives and threw one of them into the cage. He lifted the other knife over his head at which point the gorilla grabbed his knife and also lifted it over his head.
After a minute of cutting the air with his knife and watching the gorilla do likewise the man snuck a large salami out of the bag with his other hand and stuck it between his legs. With a sweeping motion he came down with the knife and whacked off the salami "WHACK!!!"

At this, the gorilla simply looked at the man and pulled down his lower eyelid.

Ros
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  #533  
Old 21.10.2008, 14:37
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS’
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language!'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue,
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.? We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added.....
'For those of you who are ****ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'?
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  #534  
Old 22.10.2008, 13:08
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. " Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
" Sure," replied Jesus. " What do I have to do?"
" Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
" Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.
The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked "what is your name?"
the old man paused and said" i , i don't remember...."
Jesus asks him "do you remember how you died, were you sick?"
again the old man replies "sorry, i don't remember..."
Jesus then asks " i need to know something about you, if i am to let you in the gates, to see if your name is in the book..."
The old man pauses again, thinks a long time and replies, "I was a carpenter"
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. " Did you have any family?" he asked.
" yes, i had a son, who grew up to be beloved all around the world"
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispers, " Father?"

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The old man leaned forward and whispers, " Pinocchio?"
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  #535  
Old 23.10.2008, 09:57
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Auditor's one line report on Lehman Brothers Balance sheet:

"There are two sides of a Balance Sheet, Left & Right (Assets and Liabilities respectively):
On the Right side there is nothing right and on the Left side there is nothing left".
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  #536  
Old 28.10.2008, 14:50
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

If you are too confused about what time it is, do as this Italian does it...

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  #537  
Old 28.10.2008, 21:13
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
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If you are too confused about what time it is, do as this Italian does it...
Excellent. I have heard a version of this told as a joke, but not seen it like this
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  #538  
Old 03.11.2008, 08:51
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Chat-up lines guaranteed to fail 100% of the time.

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room...

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']AND[/font][FONT='Arial','sans-serif'].. the best for last![/font]

[FONT='Arial','sans-serif'] 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,[/font]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif'] every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up[/font]



[FONT='Arial','sans-serif'].[/font]

Last edited by oscarsmum; 03.11.2008 at 08:52. Reason: Punctuation
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  #539  
Old 07.11.2008, 17:55
Maple Leaf's Avatar
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The porter looked a bit confused, but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must mean the lift."

"No, if I ask for the elevator, I mean the elevator."

"Well, over here, we call them lifts."

"Now, you listen here. Someone in America invented the elevator."

"Oh, right you are, sir. But someone here in England invented the language."
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  #540  
Old 11.11.2008, 10:59
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Negotiating with your dentist

http://www.our-web-store.com/artofnegotiation.wmv
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