know a good one? [jokes thread]

[Louis Wu]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to pass gas.

The music is really loud, so you time your gas with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

	Quote:	Louis Wu
	You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to pass gas. The music is really loud, so you time your gas with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

Good lord. Too familar. Too, too familiar.

[oscarsmum]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.


'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky , but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.'


The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to'try' to not smile, a voiding eye contact with the women .
A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'


The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

[NickH]

A VERY OLD man went into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side (TOP MODEL, 23 yrs old).

He told the jeweler He was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend, the jeweler brought to them a diamond ring at $40,000!

The young lady's eyes shined and her whole body trembled with excitement...
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it"...

And the old man to add: I'll pay you by check, I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write It now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'

Monday morning, the very upset jeweler phoned the old man and said:

"There's no money in that account"!!!!!

The old man answered: Of course I know..., "but can you imagine the weekend I had"???

[Tim]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________



TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________



TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________



TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________



TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry

tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father

didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

______________________________________



TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________



TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as

your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________



TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when

people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

[Deep Purple]

Very good ones Tim. Some could almost be true

[swissotter]

An oldie but a goodie:
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’S DIARY:
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DIARY:
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their pillow.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer”. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But… ALAS! it is only a matter of time…….

[Deep Purple]

	Quote:	swissotter
	An oldie but a goodie: …….

Maybe oldies, but new to me. Thanks. I particularly like the Cats Diary, Day 765.

In the beginning…

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?", came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can only have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"



*You'll have to let him believe that I made him first.*
__________________

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"


Ros

[swissotter]

Young Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.

The farmer said, 'Can't do that.
I went and spent it already'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead.

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.

The farmer asked, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.

Chuck grew up and works now for the government. He was the one who figured out how to "bail us out".

[gbn]

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

[Sada]

pretty ah !!! yuk !!!

	Quote:	gbn
	Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water. "Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender. The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

[mirfield]

In a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarfs said that they weren't happy.

[Worrelpa]

And one of the 6 was really Grumpy !!!!

[swiss_scouser]

a new general in the army gets based in a desert post and as he gets his tour he see's a tired old camal tied to a post.. he asks his tour guide whats with the camal.

the guide replys thats for when the men are getting a little frustrated being here without women.

3 years later need of some quick action so he runs up to the camal and starts getting buck wild when the soldier whoo gave him the tour catches him and asks what he's doing.

the general says i miss woman so much i thought i'd have the camal like you said...

to his shock the soldier replies we use it to go the brothel down the road

[silvertrip]

Horse walks into a bar, - Barman goes - "why the long face?"

[swiss_scouser]

2 blondes walk into a bar ..... you'd have thought 1 would have seen it

[Brightonite]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box
of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to
take care of the box for him. She took the box and
promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioning that he
was a lawyer, and proceeding to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was
annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,

"Would thegentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

[raincookie]

Can we have some more please??

[Ollie]

I got this from my 9 years old son :

How can you tell that a blonde just use the computer?



There are tipp-ex marks all over the screen.