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  #41  
Old 20.10.2006, 03:20
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Two parrots on a perch. one says to the other "'ere, do you smell fish?"
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  #42  
Old 20.10.2006, 03:22
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Man walks past an asylum. He hears this chanting "THIRTEEN!! THIRTEEN!! THIRTEEN!!".

Curious, he finds a hole in the fence and peers in. Suddenly reeling back in agony, with his hand over his eye, he hears "FOURTEEN!! FOURTEEN!! FOURTEEN!!"
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  #43  
Old 20.10.2006, 03:25
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A copper find a drunk man staggering around the street late at night with his car keys. The man sees the copper and wails "they stole my car, they stole my car, it was right here at the end of my key!!!!".

"Very good sir, " replies the copper, " but more importantly why is your penis hanging out?"

"My god, they stole my girlfriend too!!!"
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  #44  
Old 20.10.2006, 22:27
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Fritz is sitting drinking with Milosh and Giovanni. The three order a round of schnapps. As one, they all raise their glasses and throw the drink straight down the hatch.

Much to the other two's surprise, Giovanni immediately throws his glass in the air, whips out a pistol, and shoots the glass to smithereens. As the flying glass shards tinkle on the bar counter and the surprised barman raises his head above the counter, Fritz stammers out: "Kopverdammi, what the hell are you doing?"
Replies Giovanni:"Eh, a-back-a where-a I a-cumma from-a, we have-a so much of fine Italiano crystal, I no drinka two times from-a da same-a glass-a!"

Fritz is of course suitably impressed, and desperately wonders how he too might demonstrate his manliness in this august company.

The trio order another round, and this too goes straight down the hatch.

The next thing Fritz knows, Milosh has thrown his glass in the air, whipped out hispistol, and bang,the next shattered glass sprays all over the bar. Thoroughly flabbergasted, Fritz rises from his prone position and asks Milosh, "Kopfriedstutz! Spinsch du?", to which Milosh (having thought this one out carefully) replies: "Ah well, you see, back in Yugoslavia we have so much desolation and sand everywhere that we actually supply Italy with all their sand for glass production, so I too don't ever have to drink from the same glass twice!"

Fritz is thoroughly impressed with the bravado and machismo of his two drinking colleagues, and by this time is desperately wracking his brains for a similar feat to perform.

The trio order a third round of schnapps, and as they gulp it back Fritz hurls his glass in the air, whips out his pistol... and blasts the other two into oblivion! "Fritz, Du verdammte Tubel! What do you think you're doing?", screams the bartender. "Ja, Kopverdammi", replies Fritz, "Here in Switzerland we've got so many foreigners, I don't need to drink with the same two twice!"..........
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  #45  
Old 20.10.2006, 22:54
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

George W. Bush, a Catholic priest, a hippy, and ninety seven other passengers find themselves on a campaign flight in an old twin prop plane over the continental US. As they rumble along there occurs a mighty explosion on the starboard wing, and suddenly the pilot's voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have had a minor mishap and the starboard engine is now no longer functioning, but please remain calm, we will still be able to make it on one engine and anyway, there are 100 parachutes, one for each and every one of you".

Ten minutes later there is another massive explosion on the port wing. The pilot's panicked voice comes over the intercom: "J-s-s, the port engine is out too, we're going down!" and the next thing the passengers see is the pilot hurtling out the emergency door with a parachute strapped to his back.

In the mad rush to follow suite everyone is scrambling and pushing for parachutes and flinging themselves out the doors. Eventually only George W, the priest and the hippy are left. With the pilot having taken one of the parachutes there are only two left, and George's mind is working overtime.

"Well now, boys," he says, "Ah should imagine that whut wit' me bein' the leader of the free world, and mos' probably therefore about the cleverest man in the world, I should be takin' one of them there parachutes!", and so saying he grabbed one up and threw himself out of the plummeting plane.

The priest gave a calm look at the hippy and said: "Well, son, I have spent a long life in the service of our great and holy Maker, and I have no fear in going to meet Him. I want you to take the last parachute."

The hippy took a last drag on his joint and squinted up at the priest: "Yeah, I wouldn't worry about all that too much, Father, there's plenty of 'chutes for the two of us... the cleverest man in the world just jumped out of the 'plane with my rucksack!"
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  #46  
Old 20.10.2006, 23:25
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I hear you have a genie hidden in here and for $10,000 you will let anyone make a wish?"

The bartender nods so the man hands him $10,000. Then the bartender says "See the midget over there playing the piano? Ask him about seeing the genie."

The man goes and asks the midget to see the genie and without saying a word the midget hops off his stool, pushes the piano aside to reveal a door and ushers the man in. A moment or two later there is a huge ruckus and all you can hear is QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!

The door bursts open and out comes the man in cloud of ducks and feathers. He wades through the ducks and up to the bartender.

"YOUR STUPID GENIE! I ASKED FOR A MILLION BUCKS - NOT DUCKS!"

And the bartender replies "Yeh sorry, the genie is hard of hearing, do ya think I asked for a 3 foot pianist?"
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  #47  
Old 23.10.2006, 13:50
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I'm looking after my next door neighbours Labrador dog while she’s on holiday so I was buying a large bag of Winalot at Tesco's and was standing in the que to the checkout. This stupid woman behind me decided she was going to start a pointless conversation by asking me if I had a dog!?!?!

On impulse as I thought it was such a daft question, I told her no, and that I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time. But because I'd lost 50 pounds, despite waking up in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms, I thought it was worth another shot.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I also said that the food was nutritionally complete and didn’t actually do any harm, so I was going to try it again.

At this point practically everyone in the queue was listening intently to my story but I carried on regardless.

Horrified, she asked why if the food was ok did I end up in intensive care? So, I eplained that it wasn’t the food that did it, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls when I got run over by a bus.
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  #48  
Old 23.10.2006, 13:56
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

What do you call a pigeon on his holiday's at Aviemore?

A Sgian Dubh


You really need to be Scottish to get this one, hopefully I'm not the only one who finds it funny
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  #49  
Old 23.10.2006, 13:58
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I can hear the two of you laughing from here.
To help the non-Sweaties: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sgian_Dubh

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  #50  
Old 23.10.2006, 13:58
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A link to a joke:
http://www.weeville.com/taliban_singles.htm
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  #51  
Old 23.10.2006, 14:03
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Sexist:

A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man, I sure wish I had bigger tits.
Well the man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.
The woman looked at him and said Toilet paper, what will that do?
The man said, I don't know, but look what it's done for your arse.
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  #52  
Old 23.10.2006, 21:04
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A burglar is creeping around in the pitch dark of a home he has just broken into when all of a sudden the silence is broken by a loud voice proclaiming: "Jesus is watching you!". He just about sh*ts himself, and quickly switches on his torch. Illuminated in the beam is a parrot, sitting on it's perch. Flooded with a feeling of relief he mutters: "What the hell kind of a stupid name is 'Jesus' for a parrot?", to which the parrot replies, "it isn't, it's the Rottweiler's name..."
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  #53  
Old 21.12.2006, 03:11
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

What happens if you play a Country and Western song backwards?

The guy gets his wife, combine harvester and dog back.



Bush Senior advises Dubya

Senior: Son, ya made the same mikstake in Iraq as I made with ya mother.
Dubya: What's that Pop?
Senior: Yer din't pull out in time.
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  #54  
Old 21.12.2006, 09:13
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Basilea, that joke nearly made me spit coffe on my keyboard!!

Thanks. Now, if I can remember it, I'll have a joke that my Swiss friends can understand
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  #55  
Old 21.12.2006, 21:27
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I've read some great jokes in here.

Here's one from me:

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room.

"What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
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  #56  
Old 21.12.2006, 23:01
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the costume party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. So he took his costume and went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour woke up without pain and decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume on the dance floor, dancing with every nice girl he could dance with. She went up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After several drinks and slow dances he finally whispered in her ear and proposed that they go outside. She was taken aback, but it was her husband and a bit naughty so she agreed thinking she'd reveal all to the bastard later.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so asked if he'd had a good time.

"Oh, the same old thing, you know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "No, I didn't even dance to one song. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"Huh' annoyed by his dishonesty "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to the door man so he could join in. Apparently he had the time of his life..!"
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  #57  
Old 21.12.2006, 23:17
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
although the point with the orgasm as the end of life isn't a too bad idea...
For most 80 year olds, an orgasm would probably push them over the edge anyway ....
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  #58  
Old 21.12.2006, 23:25
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Not new, but still funny...

Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard.

As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God!

All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"
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  #59  
Old 16.02.2007, 10:25
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

This was told to me by an American friend.......

Little Johnny was at school one day and the teacher asked the pupils to talk about what their fathers did for a living. Little kids stood up and said "My father is a lawyer and he helps to defend people in court", "My father is a fireman and he puts out fires in houses to save peoples lives". the teacher comes to little Johnny who explains that his father "dances in a gay club and takes off all his clothes and sometimes if the men there are nice he lets them take him round the back and for a 100$ he will have sex with them...."

The teacher quickly changes the subject and gives the pupils other work to be doing. She goes up to Johnny and sympathetically asks him if it really is true what his daddy has to do. "No" he replies, "He actually works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to admit that"
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  #60  
Old 16.02.2007, 15:28
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
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