know a good one? [jokes thread]

[swissotter]

	Quote:	raincookie
	Can we have some more please??

only if you have read the preceding 58 pages....

[raincookie]

I have, honest Ms.Otter!!

[Brightonite]

Rodeo Hodeo

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex.

The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo".

The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes this position, too'..... Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

[sajacas]

This was the last joke i heard from an 'Urschweizer'
I said he was mean, his reply;

"You know what's mean?
Inviting a blindman to a movie.
You know what's really mean?
When it's a silent movie."

So, Swiss humour.....
But to be fair, the last joke I told him was the reluctant cow joke. So we are about even.(If you are fortunate enough not to know the reluctant cow joke- don't ask.)

[Not a desperate housewife]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin


A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[raincookie]

	Quote:	Brightonite
	Rodeo Hodeo Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex. The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it? The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes this position, too'..... Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

**faint**

PS : What's "various sex"???

[Brightonite]

	Quote:	raincookie
	**faint**

OK, one for you then raincookie, but be warned it's a real sexist joke.


TRAIN TICKET

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch
as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one
ticket?' asks one of the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their
respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet
together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes
around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door
and says, 'Ticket, please.'
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with
a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever
idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same
thing on the re turn trip and save some money.

When they get to t he station they buy a single ticket for
the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the
three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one
perplexed man.

'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves
into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet
just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women
leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which
the men are hiding. She knocks on their door and says,
'Ticket please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men think they are
smarter than women.

[raincookie]

Hey - great idea!!

[Brightonite]

A SHORT LOVE STORYA man and a woman who had never met before,but who were both married to other people,found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.


At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.........'Ma'am,


I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?I'm awfully cold.''I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'


'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

[raincookie]

Yeah - just like real (married) life....

[Rob]

The Spoon:
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, “Steve’s Place,” and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, “Why the spoon?”

“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

[Rob]

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

[swissotter]

A koala and a lizard are sitting on a tree smoking joints and getting totally high. The lizard gets so stoned that he falls off the tree. He shouts to the koala: "Mate! I am going to the river to get a drink of water, be right back!".
At the river he starts to drink but is so stoned he falls in the water. Lucky a crocodile is nearby and fishes him out and puts him back to safety on the river bed. The crocodile asks the lizard: "What is up with you? How come you fell in the river like that?".
The lizard says "I was up on a tree smoking joints with the koala and getting high, I came to drink some water and fell in".
The crocodile decides to check this out for himself so he walks up to the tree where the koala is sitting (still smoking the joint) and calls out: "Hey!". The koala looks down and says:

"Faaaaaarrrkkk, how much water did you drink??".

.

[Brightonite]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[raincookie]

Aargh - I saw that one coming.....

[Rob]

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Hall,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of
funnels.

13. October 9: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 14: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ..

15. October 16: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

[Verbier]

Post Office Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.''
Have you ever been in the military service?' Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.'
Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'
The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
You can start tomorrow at noon - and plan on starting at noon. Everyday.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until noon.
This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first four hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts.
No point in you coming in for that.

[raincookie]

Ow!!

I liked that one, even though I'm a girl...

[jrspet]

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there
is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

[Brightonite]

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote



DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM


Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER