know a good one? [jokes thread]

[TheSpouse]

Heaven is Where:The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.

[PaddyG]

Footy-related joke:
Apparently, Andrea Dossena has a future career as a magician once he retires from football. When he scores a goal, he makes 70000 ManU fans disappear.

[Rob]

Man wrongly jailed for 27 years walks free and is hit by a taxi.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...-hit-taxi.html

Someday your luck will change. Poor guy.

[Uncle GroOve]

Apparently when Alan Greenspan called in his resignation one financial reporter asked him the reason why...
'Ole Greenies, being fond of obfuscative language, just replied

I'm Fed Up

I'm still trying to figger what he meant

Paul

[PaddyG]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress,
walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right
arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed
to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore
her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed
drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and
bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman
chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again
pointed around at all of them, revealing the same
hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a
lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his
money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina
another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and
said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you
want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg
that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[Macchiato]

	Quote:	Rob
	Man wrongly jailed for 27 years walks free and is hit by a taxi. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...-hit-taxi.html Someday your luck will change. Poor guy.

Wouldn't call it bad luck, he simply forgot rules of living in modern lifestyle!!

[NickH]

Have you noticed the way that burns victims stick together? - Carey Marx

[Brightonite]

	Quote:	NickH
	Have you noticed the way that burns victims stick together? - Carey Marx

Whooah! Is that funny??????????

[NickH]

	Quote:	Brightonite
	Whooah! Is that funny??????????

Depends on how dark you like your humour

Here is one more tonally neutral


- Woman walks into the bar and asks the barman for an innuendo...

... So he gave her one

[gbn]

	Quote:	Brightonite
	Whooah! Is that funny??????????

In a dark and sick manner eminently suited to my black sense of humor

[oscarsmum]

Bloke says to his mate

"I've been taking steroids for a while and have grown an extra willie."

"Anabolic?"

"No, just a willie."

[swissotter]

	Quote:	oscarsmum
	Bloke says to his mate "I've been taking steroids for a while and have grown an extra willie." "Anabolic?" "No, just a willie."

good one :-)

why can't you get aspirin in the jungle?


cos' the parrots-et-am-ol

[raincookie]

Love that one, Swissotter!
More please!
(Can't think of any good jokes since I had my hit on the head.....)

[Maple Leaf]

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence

He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled: “See what you get for five pounds, you tight *******?!"

[Uncle GroOve]

	Quote:	Maple Leaf
	Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!" One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled: “See what you get for five pounds, you tight *******?!"

Hahahahaaaa....

Good 'un!

Thx

Paul

The scene is Bishoploch Primary School , Glasgow.

Teacher:
'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're
going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and
Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead
brilliant at general knowledge, so I am. This is goannae
be a doddle!'

Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said.
' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but
what you can do for your country?'

Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the
air.

Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar Fauntleroy at the
front.

'Yes, Farqhuar?' Farqhuar (in a very English
accent): ' Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy -
inauguration speech 1960.'

Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday
and Monday and we will see you back in class on
Tuesday.'

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even
more determined.

Teacher: 'Who said 'We will fight them on the
beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight
them at sea. But we will never surrender?' Wee Murray
's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting
'I know, I know. Pick me Miss, pick me Miss'.

Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at
the front: 'Yes Tarquin.'

Tarquin (in a very, very posh English accent): 'Yes
miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of
Britain speech.'

Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday
and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.'

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is
hyper; he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and
he's ready for anything that comes.

He's coiled in his chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one
giant leap for mankind?'

Wee Murray 's arm shoots straight in the air, he's
standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming
'Pick me miss. Pick me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss,
me miss, meeeeee'.

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at
the front.

'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully,
frightfully, ever so plummy English accent):

'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon
landing.'

Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and
Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.'

Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and
throws his chair at the wall. He starts screaming:
'WHERE THE F@&K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B@ST@RDS
COME FROM?'

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts:
'Who said that?'





Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door,
'Robert the Bruce, Bannockburn , 1314. See ye on
Tuesday Miss!'

Ros

[Brightonite]

Very funny joke, Delphinium Blue, I loved it and I'm an English Ba5tard

[Deep Purple]

Financial Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "But in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll be the sole heir to a £200 million fortune."

Impressed with his banter, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[HollidayG]

One sunny day in February 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.' The old man said, 'Okay' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.' The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S.
Marine, saying, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?'

The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow.'

[nigelr]

a woman goes down to the hotel reception early one morning and says to the guy at the counter "hey, can you check me out?"

The guy looks here over and says "not bad, not bad at all!"